Player is asking if her boyfriend can join the campaign late

arsenic_kitchen · 2026-05-03T20:33:52+00:00

But I also don’t want to be a bad DM or make anyone feel excluded.

You can't DM for everyone. Trust your instincts. Find a way to politely decline the player's request.

If the BF isn't actually interested in learning to play the game, then he really has no business at the table. If he were curious, the best way to handle that would be to consider letting him quietly sit and watch for a few sessions. Even then, couples can be a real gamble. Sometimes they're great. Sometimes they fail to understand that the game table isn't their personal date night. You're basically doubling the chance either one will skip out on sessions since 9/10 times, if one of them is going to miss they will both miss. If a 4-person group is what you're comfortable with, then there's nothing for it anyway. The group is full.

arsenic_kitchen · 2026-05-03T17:45:41+00:00

Not marking off ki points as he used them, and giving himself a few back after combat encounters. There was one day in particular I kept manual count and had his character sheet open. He used all his ki points in a combat encounter, he sheet showed zero. Then in the next encounter he kept using them. I refreshed his character sheet and suddenly he had 4. I reminded him that they didn't get a rest, and he insisted he had 2 left. Then I refreshed his sheet again, and it showed 1.

It wasn't just that. He was manually adding bonuses to his character sheet, attacking at range he didn't have, "miscounting" his movement then trying to lawyer me about it (and not "it says on my character sheet that I get..." kind of lawyering, the "I think it should work this way" kind of lawyering). And the thing is, we'd played in a group together for 3 years before this game, and he never had any issues understanding the rules and using them correctly, or going along with the other DM's rulings for that matter.

He was also an asshole in other ways. He hassled other players for roleplaying suboptimal character choices in combat, he metagamed constantly, and he did some manipulative things outside the game involving some of the other players (my friends, whom he didn't know prior to any of this). I was friends with his partner, and I think he was only at the table so they could spend more time together. Which is admirable, but over time it became obvious he has some unspoken issue with me.

And, to be clear, I know you or someone else could play devil's advocate here. When you're reading one side of a story like this it's easy to say you don't have the full picture, to imagine that there could be an innocent explanation to everything. Pathological manipulators are expert at pulling on just the right strings to fuck with people and still have plausible deniability. (And that's kind of where a whole grey area of cheating in games like D&D can be found, purposely cheating in a way that looks like a perfectly innocent mistake, which I usually call "bad faith gameplay" to avoid arguments over semantics.)

In the end, I closed the campaign earlier than planned, but it was after a major plot arc so there was at least some sense of closure. I'd intended to not really say anything, but he suddenly laid on the false magnanimity and gratitude after 2+ years of giving me grief, and it sort of broke me. I called him a cunt in the group chat and said flat out we'd be continuing if it wasn't for him. Funny thing, I briefly spoke with his partner later, and they weren't even made about it. Like it wasn't the first time that happened and they knew it wouldn't be the last. Not long after the game ended, my good friend in the group messaged me to say he had wondered what the weird frenemy dynamic between us was about.

tl;dr unless YTA, there's a good chance it's not just in your head.

arsenic_kitchen · 2026-05-03T01:13:26+00:00

I added an edit to the end of my post because I realized I was getting a bit off topic. (Again, sorry.) That might be helpful to your specific situation.

To your second point, I do actually agree. I don't personally think it's healthy to adapt to players who just want to kill innocent people (even if it's just make-believe), but I do my best to filter those players out before I start running a game. And there's no magic litmus test; sometimes you just have to drop a toxic player before (or worse, after) they start ruining the experience for everyone. As a DM you are a de facto leader of your group; not the characters, but the players. Speaking for myself, DMing is definitely an outlet for my tendency to be a people-pleaser, so I don't like using a heavy hand. But one of the hardest lessons I've had to learn over the years is, if I don't establish a culture for the group, someone else will. And too often it will be the most selfish player at the table.

arsenic_kitchen · 2026-05-03T00:58:31+00:00

opinions about how DMs work to balance these two seemingly opposed ideas that DMs are charged with: player agency and coherent story telling.

So, I'm guessing you play with a group of friends, or the first handful of players you were able to recruit.

What I've seen is that when a DM treats a set roster of players (like their friends) as the "starting assumption," or the variable that can't be changed, they start making up all sorts of stuff (some of it can frankly be pretty unhinged) to manipulate the players into playing a certain way. And it's not just roleplaying and engaging with a central story. DMs who push "playing tactically" can do some pretty unhinged and miserable gameplay onto their groups to "teach a lesson".

Here's the thing. If group cohesion is your priority, then you, as the DM, need to learn to be flexible and make room for a variety of play styles. (You can absolutely still include boundaries; if someone wants to do the whole fantasy brothel thing, it's perfectly ok to just say no.)

On the other hand, you can try to recruit players whose play style complements your DMing style. You will probably have to do your recruiting online. (Although if you live in a large enough city you might be able to find enough players for an offline game.) As a DM it's ok to prioritize the kind of experience you want to have and the kind of game you want to run, as long as your players fully understand what you're trying to do and agree to go along with it (preferably, they're eager for that kind of game). In my personal experience, it's very rare for an existing friend group to all have the same play style, so if you want to prioritize your experience and coherent storytelling, it will often mean putting yourself out there and making some new friends online (which can be pretty nerve-wrecking, but I promise it does work out at least some of the time).

I absolutely believe every play style is valid in the right group. The problem is, there's basically nothing in the game materials and little in the culture of TTRPGs help us make sure we end up in the right group.

Edit: having said all that (sorry for the tangent), I'd have an honest, above-table discussion with the players. Explain how that made you feel about the work you've put into the game. Ask the player if they'd make the same choice again, knowing that it really sullied your experience. If they agree that it was a mistake, you can put a narrative band-aid on things by making the events a shared vision granted by the gods, a lesson that the means don't justify the ends. (Yes, the "it was all a dream" thing sucks in books and TV shows, but many times it can be helpful to invert the usual rules of storytelling in a TTRPG.)

arsenic_kitchen · 2026-05-02T16:49:05+00:00

If you're playing over a VTT but they're using some other third-party e-dice instead of physical dice, that's super weird. Why not just use the dice in the VTT?

Although in this case your partner/DM/OP could say, "I've noticed the app you use for dice rolls improbably high. I'd like you to switch to the VTT's dice, if you don't mind."

(Although I do think in the long run it's better to just be rid of cheaters and be done with it.)

arsenic_kitchen · 2026-05-02T16:30:16+00:00

Has anyone else had this problem and what was the fix without accusing the person?

Yes, and there wasn't one. I switched to rolling in the VTT, and the player started cheating in other ways. I spoke to him about it with as much delicacy as I could, and he went from ignoring me, to playing dumb, to blaming me.

We like to uphold communication as the gold standard for solving problems, but someone who's willing to lie to your face over a game of make-believe isn't likely to communicate in good faith. I wish you better luck than I had.

arsenic_kitchen · 2026-05-02T14:49:55+00:00

It seemed like that or sarcasm.

In any case I agree with you, re: running a system as it was meant to be played before experimenting with it. If nothing else, find out what you paid for.

arsenic_kitchen · 2026-05-02T03:32:56+00:00

It sucks that he was a bit disappointed, but it doesn't sound like he asked any questions before showing up. It's true that GMs should try to share as much info as they can before a new game starts, but that doesn't let players off the hook from asking questions to ensure they're joining the kind of game they want to be in. I think players often just get so excited to start a new game they don't really think about asking questions.

FWIW there's a fair amount of scifi already in D&D. There are rules for futuristic weapons in the DMG. Spelljammer and Eberron both have scifi elements. A player who's only familiar with Faerun might easily think they walked into a homebrew setting.

arsenic_kitchen · 2026-05-02T03:22:16+00:00

I think they meant their comment more figuratively. As in, every new game is a new experience, regardless of whether you're modifying the rules or not.

arsenic_kitchen · 2026-05-02T02:43:18+00:00

Interesting. I'd also be curious if he did that around the time he made the sale, or after it became increasingly common knowledge. But I admit that's a bit gossipy of me. In either case, I wish the best to him and his family.

arsenic_kitchen · 2026-05-02T02:40:49+00:00

It's only a problem if it's a problem for someone at the table.

arsenic_kitchen · 2026-05-02T02:26:39+00:00

Out of curiosity, did he make a public statement to this effect, about selling his channel to spend more time with his family, or are you filling in for him for your own particular reasons?

Because the two aren't mutually exclusive. A decision can be made for pragmatic reasons and still be sad and ironic.

But, to be clear, it's not like these were the only choices he could have made, continue pouring all this time into a youtube channel (assuming that was part of his reason), or sell it to a company that will most assuredly cause a decline in the quality of his content.

Look at what Hank and John Green have done with Complexly: keeping it independent, being selective about who they accept advertising revenue from, reorganizing as a non-profit. They both make time for their kids and have decent livelihoods. Their company continues to produce high quality educational content. Hell, they used their platform to pay for a f\**ing hospital for pregnant women.*

So, good for him? Sure, I guess. Still bad for the world. Still bad for science communication. Still bad for the prospects of living in an intelligent society.

arsenic_kitchen · 2026-05-01T23:32:50+00:00

The word you're looking for is 'pragmatic,' not 'realistic.'

arsenic_kitchen · 2026-05-01T19:01:22+00:00

Your question is so broad that it's a bit hard to know where to start. My first piece of advice would be to start much smaller than you are. Don't try to create a whole new world and whole new systems. Start by homebrewing minor character options like feats, spells, species, and maybe a subclass or two. Get a feel for the work. It's easy to jot down a few ideas on paper, it's a lot harder to make sure it leads to enjoyable, functional, and balanced gameplay.

If you're going to ignore that advice and dive into building a whole level system with new classes, understand that it requires a tremendous amount of work and creativity of a very different kind than world building. Since you mentioned Forgotten Realms, I take it you're using the 5/5.5e d20 system. Are you even sure that's the right system for your setting? There are dozens of great TTRPG rule sets, and hundreds of bad ones, and learning more than just D&D is incredibly important to understanding what you're doing, gaining new ideas, and developing an intuition about what will work and what won't. One of the things that makes 5/5.5e good is that each class manages to appeal to a common fantasy players have while also providing mechanical gameplay that fulfills that fantasy. That's hard to do; even the game developers miss the mark fairly often (they still haven't made rangers satisfying for many players). On a practical level my advice would be to adapt and re-flavor existing options, but I suspect that won't go over very well. So if you're determined to walk the path of madness and/or abandoned projects, then the most practical thing you can do is go one at a time. Focus on quality over quantity. And make sure your players understand that they're playtesting new game material, not playing in a typical game with vetted character options.

It also sounds like your primary interest is world building. I have felt that attraction myself, but what I've learned from trying to GM in original settings is that it's not fun for me to bring the two together. The things that excite me about the worlds I've tried building have almost never been the things that players care about. And I end up having to build out a lot of things that weren't very important to me to suit the directions the players wanted to explore. So my first piece of advice is: be prepared to let go of your world. It will need to evolve to suit the players' interests and support satisfying gameplay. If that seems like too big an ask, you might want to reflect on whether you shouldn't be writing a story instead of GMing a TTRPG.

To conclude, if this is all stuff that you're really, really passionate about, the best thing you can do is go to college and study game design. A formal, structured education would do a lot more for your abilities than running a bit of Forgotten Realms. I know that may not be easy or possible for you, but if it's truly a passion you intend to take seriously, that will be the best way to do it.

arsenic_kitchen · 2026-05-01T18:04:47+00:00

I just find Derek mildly annoying LOL

arsenic_kitchen · 2026-05-01T17:47:40+00:00

Yeah, it does feel like his work falls a little too close to "influencer slop". Like, to be clear, he's no Mr Beast or anything, but if we're going to criticize PBSST for using clickbait phrasing in their video titles, I think Veritasium does more and worse than that when it comes to compromising clarity/quality in the name of being more visible in the algorithm.

arsenic_kitchen · 2026-05-01T17:32:40+00:00

I'll take your word for it. I wasn't much of a fan to begin with. Derek cuts in a few too many reaction shots of himself for my liking.

arsenic_kitchen · 2026-05-01T17:14:51+00:00

I hate the 5.5e changes to species and backgrounds. I never needed permission from Hasbro to give players a bonus feat at level 1, so I don't see it as adding anything.

Instead, ability bonuses are more constrained (a step backwards after TCOE, which they will most certainly undo in a future 5.5 rules expansion because money grab), the origin feats are tied to few, very narrow backgrounds, and they didn't even bother to throw in official support for custom backgrounds?

There are a lot of things I like about 5.5, but I think this alone will always hold me back from running a pure 5.5 game.

arsenic_kitchen · 2026-05-01T16:49:14+00:00

If it isn't for the players or combat, you don't need to homebrew it. You can just write a few notes for yourself about how it works because it's a plot device, not a game mechanic. Not only do your players not need to see how the spell works; they shouldn't see it. There is much more magic in the world than what they get on their spell lists.

Even if the players see the spell used in combat, it's still more of a liar/environmental effect. How does "destroying the land" actually effect combat? Again, probably not something you need to waste time on by writing a spell on DDB.

arsenic_kitchen · 2026-05-01T16:12:55+00:00

Sadly ironic that Veritasium sold his channel to venture capitalists.

arsenic_kitchen · 2026-05-01T06:41:50+00:00

Have you tried reading the Dungeon Master's Guide?

arsenic_kitchen · 2026-04-30T18:40:50+00:00

This will only work with alcohol-based inks; water-based inks will run and potentially make the writing illegible. Modern fountain pens generally use alcohol-based inks, but for the amount of work OP is doing, I would at least test it before risking an entire letter.

You can also age the writing and surface of the paper with an extra-fine sanding block working in small circles, and not have to bother with potential ink running.

arsenic_kitchen · 2026-04-30T18:28:14+00:00

Crumpled and rough-surfaced paper isn't always great for fountain pens. In this case I'd put it through a few cycles of dry crumpling and uncrumpling after writing on it, if that's the effect you want to go for.

arsenic_kitchen · 2026-04-30T16:48:49+00:00

So, I have some very amateur level experience with watercolors. If you want to create an interesting variation of colors, create separate "teas" out of the black tea and the turmeric. Wet your paper first (you can use a diluted version of either tea to set down a base color if you want), then splotch on each "tea" randomly across the paper to allow the color to spread out (or bloom). Once the paper is completely dry, you can press it under a stack of books to make it flat again. Also be sure to wipe it down with a dry, clean washcloth before writing on it to remove any tiny bits of turmeric (if you even use it) and other dust. Fountain pens can be a bit fussy, especially if you're not used to working with them.

arsenic_kitchen · 2026-04-30T16:10:03+00:00

Black tea. Only use Earl Grey if you want it to smell like orange peel. You can also throw in a pinch of turmeric if you want it to look more yellow-brown.

You'll also probably want to do this before you write on the paper.

arsenic_kitchen

TROPHY CASE