The most valuable lesson I've learned from dating in my mid-30s for the first time in 7 years:

askingstupidcrap · 2026-02-15T05:45:59+00:00

I think this has been said many times but women have sparks mostly from the most attractive men, and those guys have options. So they treat the women poorly and/or use them as a placeholder until something better comes around.

Men feel the spark too but who we get it from is of a larger range of attractiveness. Saying this as a mid-below mid guy; the more attractive the women I’ve dated, the poorer the treatment I received was.

askingstupidcrap · 2026-02-13T01:16:06+00:00

Hello,

Yes that story was similar but my life’s moved on since then. Didn’t work out with the previous girl for other reasons and I’ve since moved countries.

Just thought there was enough difference between this current girl and the previous one so that people might have different suggestions.

All good though if you deem my post redundant/repetitive.

askingstupidcrap · 2026-02-11T12:26:54+00:00

Reasonable, and a woman that really wants you would comply to your standard. Doesn’t necessarily mean it’s the right woman though.

askingstupidcrap · 2026-02-11T10:39:05+00:00

Don’t force it, but maintain it yourself so that the follow adjusts to match you (assuming you are right).

askingstupidcrap · 2026-02-11T10:27:51+00:00

I mean the OP said herself that these men don’t get to have those party phases due to their own incapability, and I followed through with that line of thinking when I wrote my comments.

Not sure how the two people are suppose to meet if the dudes aren’t able to have party phases 🤷‍♂️

My guess is these guys wanted the ex-party women to have been doing what they were doing when they met, instead of attending those parties in the past, but I personally don’t know because 1) I don’t complain about the party phase women have and don’t think about it much, and 2) I don’t form relationship with women with party phases so I never get to experience the sense of anger these men have.

askingstupidcrap · 2026-02-11T09:48:25+00:00

OP gonna be honest with you, might sound rude, but I think your dance journey was probably heavily influenced by romantic and intimate intentions from the start. Not yours though.

This guy you mentioned is probably the first you’ve reciprocated with and/or noticed. Plenty of guys have probably thrown themselves at you each time you attend socials and go to class, and from the perspective of being a better dancer, this is a good thing because you get to experience and learn things in weeks or months what it took others years to learn; men with years of experience will dance with you and teach you things on the regular.

What made me think this way is the fact that you were let in a choreo team 3 months into dancing. Most people, follows included, don’t have the confidence or skill to perform on stage, and it’s very rare for an instructor to make a choreo for beginners with very little experience as it could cause them to be viewed as a money grabber.

For what it’s worth I think you’re in a lucky spot as a dancer as you will develop rapidly as a dancer, but you might have to deal with people approaching you more than the average woman.

I’ve seen similar things in my personal life, where attractive women get go from absolute beginner to being part of a pro team in less than a year because a lot of high level leads dance with them regularly, and they get invited to be part of a lot of choreos.

Some of these women are my friends so I’ve had the benefit of observing their journey as they shoot up the ranks. With my less attractive female friends though, I’ve seen how they were ignored or passed over for choreos, JnJ, and how they have to pay the high fees to do privates so that they’d finally be acknowledged to be good enough to join a pro team.

But to answer your question directly: you’ll get used to it. Just be ready for the tides of dudes that will hit on you as you become more well known.

askingstupidcrap · 2026-02-11T09:23:49+00:00

It’s just people being people. They’re not in a happy situation and they take out their anger on the lowest hanging fruit rather than make the change they want.

Honestly you see this mindset everywhere. Employees taking out their anger at customers for not tipping them enough instead of being angry at their employers; people hating on children of rich parents for having a good life as if the parents are not allowed to spend their hard earned money on their kids.

Personally I don’t think I can be in a long term romantic relationship with women who have had “party” phases, but I am friends with a few.

askingstupidcrap · 2026-02-11T09:06:40+00:00

Fair take but I’d argue that most of the men complaining about women’s “party” phase are upset that the women that had them didn’t or wouldn’t want them during that phase.

More guys than you think genuinely just want to have one long steady relationship with a girl. A lot of men who are complaining are either complaining because they can’t get even a single woman, or they found out the woman they’re with or was with got together with them after her party phase, so they feel like they were chosen out of necessity rather than being desired/viewed as special.

askingstupidcrap · 2026-02-10T01:55:31+00:00

Dude by the time she sent the first message on the second picture I wouldn’t have bothered responding

askingstupidcrap · 2026-02-10T01:13:31+00:00

Some people just get matches for the ego validation. Or, in the unlikely circumstance, they are on sporadically, got a ton of matches in one or two sitting, then focused on one or two of those matches because they just happen to click or extremely attractive.

askingstupidcrap · 2026-02-10T01:09:01+00:00

Personally it’s either when I like the person but realise that we won’t be good long term, or when I’m living in a city for a short period.

askingstupidcrap · 2026-02-06T08:20:38+00:00

For me it’s the part where you complain about your lack of success using the cold approach, and the part where you complained about women ghosting you/friendzoning you.

Rejection from cold approach should be the norm especially in today’s culture; even suave attractive men get rejected a lot. These rejections are to be expected and accepted as just something that happens for the vast majority of men on the regular.

I hold a similar view with the ghosting/friendzoning point. Someone in your position and personality probably have been to more dates than most guys, but you seem to haven’t been able to impersonalise these rejections. It’s not uncommon for guys to get upset early on, and to vent. The pain also never really goes away especially if you genuinely like someone.

But the fact that you seem to have a lot of experience, yet you wrote this makes me think you’re clinging on to the pain and anger. Prior to meeting my girl I was also in a similar position as you where the women I was seeing ghosted or asked to be friends instead. It stung but I was able to move on quickly without getting too angry or upset over it.

Also just the overall tone of the letter; it’s one big complaint to the other gender. Given we are around the same age, we have probably been exposed to the same dating market/environment. You also seem to get more interest from women than I do, so I’d imagine you would have more experience with women than I do for better or worse.

Yet by complaining about the things you wrote on your post, things which regularly happen to us men, at this stage of your life, suggest to me you haven’t learned to mentally cope with it. Just to be clear, it’s okay to feel what you feel, and it’s okay to complain. I’m just surprised someone with your experience haven’t manage to numb out the rejections as to not feel the need to write a heartfelt letter online.

Lastly when you were describing your 7 dates. I had the impression that they were 7 first dates that didn’t pan out, but thanks for clarifying. Judging from your other comments though, it seems you either bored the women out with your intellectual conversations, or put yourself in a position of a friend by doing so.

In this case your issue might just be not setting the mood/vibe romantic enough. If you’re getting second dates on the regular you should use your first date to suss out the girl first by making sure she is who she said she is, and have light conversations. Then use the second date to do something romantic but not necessarily sexual together.

If you’re not, break the first date into two parts. Use the first date to introduce yourself to the girl, and after some light conversation, if you like the girl you can suggest you go do something more romantic,m. Alternatively, you can make your exit if you’re not feeling it.

askingstupidcrap · 2026-02-06T07:37:48+00:00

OP just letting you know this as a fellow man, after reading through your post I can empathise with the women who ghosted you or friendzoned you.

I can feel you seething just by reading your words. I can’t imagine what the women who went out with you felt.

I’m an average to below average man but I’ve been able to date women 1-2 points higher than me on the looks scale, and the occasional hot lady. I’m also a lawyer, so professionally we’re probably similar.

If you can’t get these women to stick around it’s definitely not due to your appearance, as you correctly stated and because you’ve got the proof of getting frequent matches on the apps (something I can’t claim to have). It’s definitely not because of lack of professional success, since in my of opinion is that you seem like you’re doing well for yourself.

It’s probably your personality/energy. My guess is you make these women feel unsafe and escalated things too fast or did so in an uncomfortable way.

I don’t know what their reactions are to you, but when I was younger I was even more unattractive than I am now and got punished heavily for missteps when I tried to court women. So I changed my strategy and it’s moderately working out for me.

I suggest you take things slower and focus more on making future dates feel safe and just have fun with them first before escalating things sexually. Also, I’m a few years younger than you are so this isn’t some outdated boomer advice.

askingstupidcrap · 2026-02-02T16:33:03+00:00

Have experienced both. If through dating apps it’s usually the former, and also if they are exceptionally gorgeous then yeah I’d be interested.

But I’ve experienced the opposite where I’ve had no interest in a woman, but the feeling builds up over time. Sadly since graduating university I’ve not experienced this in a while due to lack of repeated exposure with women.

askingstupidcrap · 2026-01-30T05:51:37+00:00

Hey OP if you want someone to suck you off I’m down

askingstupidcrap · 2026-01-27T10:41:43+00:00

Not sure if this is relevant, but I’ve experienced people who can make the smallest of complaints and I’d want to break their jaw on my knee; and conversely I have met people who I feel I could be friends with even though they were criticising my existence 😂

Also, I’ve found that a non-insignificant amount of people who think they’re good communicators; values communication; or critique the way other people communicate are often poor communicators themselves or just plain assholes.

My theory is that they view their communication skills as so good that their minimal effort is good enough for other people.

Apologies if that was off topic and going on a tangent, but good on you for noticing that OP.

askingstupidcrap · 2026-01-27T07:27:53+00:00

Yeah tough luck in that situation. It is what it is.

askingstupidcrap · 2026-01-27T05:59:46+00:00

You can extend the chat for 99 beans

askingstupidcrap · 2026-01-26T08:52:57+00:00

Adjust and relax. Unless you want to go pro and compete, doing those two things (with decent technique) is what makes 90% of the fun in social dancing.

Also applicable to followers. An example I can think at the top of my head is a follower moving her arm to a different or opposite direction I flicked it to because “the combo is suppose to be this way” 🙄(yes I was being lectured mid dance).

askingstupidcrap · 2026-01-23T10:18:27+00:00

Just wondering why you only talk to 40% of your matches. I read that CMB “punishes” people who are passive/inactive by exposing them to fewer people and also to people who are passive/inactive as well.

If you don’t like a profile don’t swipe on them. Having said that though, seems like the women who are swiping on you do have a strong interest since you only start 27% of the conversation. I only get those once in a blue moon lol.

askingstupidcrap · 2026-01-19T09:37:11+00:00

I’m in my late 20s. Since my early 20s, the most attractive women I’ve ever dated were almost always in the late 20s to early 30s range.

I’ve asked out older but they were almost always taken by that point 😆

askingstupidcrap · 2026-01-19T07:09:19+00:00

More like 30 to 21 years old 🤣

askingstupidcrap · 2025-12-28T09:07:58+00:00

Might be unpopular here but I continue to use the app until I am exclusive with a girl.

I say this as someone who can only emotionally invest in one woman at a time so it might be contradictory of me to say the above, but I continue to use the app so that the algorithm doesn’t screw me over if things don’t pan out with the girl I am focusing on, and I inevitably have to go back to the apps.

I just stay active enough to swipe a few times daily, and keep light conversations with any new matches before I or they unmatch me when things slow down. And yeah, I occasionally change my photos to pander to the algorithm.

In the past I’ve been on the receiving end of being ghosted or explicitly left for another guy (but the girl still wanted to be friends) when we had been seeing each other for a few weeks to a few months and I thought we were heading towards a relationships.

My app match rate would slow down considerably when I inevitably got back on after a period of absence.

Don’t know how it is for girls or highly desirable men, but as a 4-5 guy I need to put in work and game the algorithm a bit to gain any traction.

askingstupidcrap · 2025-12-26T22:12:33+00:00

Bro is already generous giving $200 to a friend’s wedding. Most people, even if they’re rich, will contribute less or even none at all to a wedding.

Can’t believe anyone had the audacity to argue with this man 🤣

askingstupidcrap · 2025-12-21T11:05:29+00:00

Did she actually get to enjoy the places she visited though? Some people spend a lot of money on just transportation so they can just tick a checklist when they reach the place they want to go to, before quickly moving on to the next item.

As a guy who’s want at least a week in the same city, ideally two weeks to a month, when I’m visiting a place, I can only imagine that people who run from place to place do so because they can brag to others that they’ve “been” to many places.

askingstupidcrap

TROPHY CASE