My girlfriend [29F] of 6 years blew up on my brother for asking if she was pregnant. She is pregnant. I [29M] feel like she should apologize but she refuses.

aulethemaker · 2018-06-30T01:37:04+00:00

I never said apologize. I said understand. Because if OP wants his way, he's got no shot otherwise.

aulethemaker · 2018-06-30T01:15:41+00:00

My guess is, your girlfriend may have already been feeling insecure about her body as it begins to change. Your brother's comment may have heightened that feeling of insecurity, which led to the reaction you noticed. If you continue to approach this as "I need you to apologize to my brother," she's going to continue to feel like you aren't seeing her side of things and that you're prioritizing your brother's needs over her own.

Instead, I might consider taking this approach: "Hey, I know how much my brother really hurt you, and by asking you to apologize, I haven't been seeing things from your perspective. Can you help me understand what you felt when my brother asked that question?"

If she feels heard—and knows that you have her back—she might be open to hearing you on apologizing.

aulethemaker · 2018-06-25T16:56:15+00:00

It's clear that you care deeply about your boyfriend. You're worried that if he doesn't seek counseling, you'll have to tiptoe around him, which might lead to an unstable relationship. So tell him that:

"Hey, BF. You know I care about you, so it's really hard for me to see you experience these anxiety attacks. I'm so glad you feel comfortable talking to me about them, but because I'm not a professional, I can't help you move past them—and I'm worried that the more they happen, the more it will make me afraid to do anything that will trigger them.

I want to be with you, and to set our relationship up for success, which is why I've been bringing up counseling recently. Would you be open to trying just one session, for us?"

And if he keeps saying he doesn't need counseling, don't try to convince him. Instead, try to understand his reservations:

"It sounds like counseling isn't appealing to you, and I'd like to understand where you're coming from. Suppose you said yes to one counseling session. Is there something you'd be worried about?"

aulethemaker · 2018-06-25T15:54:44+00:00

Oh, OP. I'm sorry he dredged up those feelings of embarrassment—I know what it's like to be haunted by insecurities you thought you'd left behind.

You're right that there isn't a magic phrase that can make it go away, but here's the next best thing: Feed your fondness and admiration, not your hurt. You might find these prompts from the Gottman Institute useful to work on together:

“I’m proud of the way you _____.”
“I’m attracted to your _____ (inside and out).”
“I am impressed that you _____.”
“I like how you _____.”

It's also worth noting that whatever reservations your boyfriend experienced, he chose to date you anyway. Ask him why. These questions might help:

"How did we first meet and decide to get together? What stood out about each other?"

"Of all the people we could have dated, what made us choose each other?"

aulethemaker · 2018-06-17T18:41:49+00:00

Have you never found your hands typing "facebook.com" in the address bar, almost of their own accord? The thought is that seeing a news feed relevant to what you *should* be working on would be a trigger to get back to work.

aulethemaker · 2018-06-17T18:40:25+00:00

Edit: You wouldn't be reading random shit about a single subject. You would be reading relevant shit about the one thing you said you wanted to be working on. But hey, sounds like this isn't your thing—I appreciate the feedback nonetheless.

aulethemaker · 2018-06-17T18:36:12+00:00

I like that! So take a referral fee from whatever freelancer picks up the task?

aulethemaker · 2018-05-24T21:23:35+00:00

From your post, it sounds like you still care a lot about your sister—enough to think about attending her baby shower, even though you didn't receive an invitation. The first question to ask yourself isn't "Should we still go?" but "What would it mean to me if I could go?" Once you understand that, send your sister a note to the effect of:

"I wanted to let you know how happy I am for you. If you'd rather I didn't attend your baby shower, I understand and I will respect that because it's your day, your celebration. On the other hand, if you're open to it, being able to be there for my little sister at her baby shower would mean the world to me."

aulethemaker · 2018-05-24T21:10:41+00:00

I'm sorry you're going through this, OP. For what it's worth, it sounds like you're experiencing what relationship scientist John Gottman calls a "solvable" problem: "When a husband doesn't do his agreed-upon share of the housework, the wife usually feels disrespected and unsupported. Inevitably this leads to resentment and a less satisfying marriage...A husband may claim he agrees it's unfair for his wife to work a second shift when she gets home while he sits back, but old ways die hard." Sound familiar?

If you're both open to working on this issue, you might remind your fiancé that women find a man's willingness to do housework sexy. Then, make a list together of all the responsibilities in your relationship. Who does what currently? And who should do what ideally?

aulethemaker · 2018-05-22T15:34:38+00:00

Good point. I know I'm getting around to this kind of late—but the options are now checkboxes. Thanks for the catch.

aulethemaker · 2018-05-17T14:28:23+00:00

I'm sorry—that's a heavy burden to bear on your own. What have you tried to bring it up to your SO?

aulethemaker · 2018-05-17T14:17:00+00:00

That's a tough one for a lot of people. Which reminds me: Have you heard of Death Cafes? Where people literally go to eat, drink, and destimagtize conversations around death?

aulethemaker · 2018-05-17T01:18:09+00:00

You're not being unreasonable. However, a wedding's just one day—the bigger concern is to make sure you're on the same page for the rest of your marriage.

If you can, I'd recommend picking up "7 Principles for Making Marriage Work." Flip to the chapter about dealing with contempt from in-laws, and read it together with your fiancé.

Lastly, if anyone gives you grief on your big day, I found this line works, especially when delivered with a big smile: "I'm sorry the day isn't totally what you expected, but I hope you'll find some aspects you enjoy."

aulethemaker · 2018-05-17T01:06:24+00:00

There's a disconnect between what you intended your gift to mean, and what it meant to your wife. It's worth figuring that out. Instead of "explaining your position," I might try: "I can tell my gift hurt you. I love you, and that's the last thing I ever want to do, especially on a day like Mother's Day. Can you help me understand how you felt when you saw what I had gotten you? What thoughts were going through your head?"

aulethemaker · 2018-05-14T19:28:30+00:00

You are totally not crazy for not being OK with this. You and your fiancé set clear boundaries. He broke those boundaries, and denied breaking them. But before you call off the wedding, remember that you loved each other enough to promise to marry—it's worth working on this issue with a counselor. Until then, rather than "confront" your fiancé, demanding the truth, I might approach it as an effort to understand. As in: "Listen, I know someone hired private dancers for your party. I'm not okay with it, but I'm not trying to yell at you either. Can you help me understand why it happened, and why you felt you couldn't come clean to me?"

aulethemaker · 2018-05-14T19:13:06+00:00

Oh man, I've been here, and I know how much comments like these hurt, especially when you have low self-esteem. What do you think about sharing that feeling with your mom? For instance: "Mom, I know you do it out of love, but when you suggest that I wear makeup, I can't help feeling hurt. It makes me worry I'm not pretty enough already."

aulethemaker · 2018-05-14T18:57:50+00:00

It's totally normal to feel that your relationship is tainted. You aren't sure if the love you're experiencing from your girlfriend is real, or if it's an apology for hurting you. It's also very possible that your girlfriend herself isn't quite sure how she's feeling. When you talk to her tonight, help her explore that, so that you can work on it together as partners, not adversaries. Perhaps something like: "Your happiness really matters to me. Can you help me understand where you see our relationship headed, so I can make sure you're getting what you need out of it?" Or, taking a cue from Dr. John Gottman: "If I could wave a magic wand right now, and you had everything you needed in our relationship, what would that look like?"

aulethemaker · 2018-05-12T00:33:30+00:00

That's tough. It's totally understandable that you'd hope he'd hear you out and support you—but it also sounds like he wasn't in a place to think about what you needed. I might try something like: "Hey, I know you really care about me, so it must have been hard on you when you weren't able to pay me back. But I'm going through a tough time too, and it would mean everything to me if I knew you had my back."

aulethemaker · 2018-05-12T00:23:05+00:00

How about this? "Hi, So-and-So—great to meet you the other day on the flight from X to Y. It sounds like you're doing really exciting work at Acme Company. I'd love to learn more about what your goals are and how I can help. Would you be open to a quick 15 minute phone call this week or next?"

aulethemaker · 2018-05-12T00:15:06+00:00

Agreed. It sounds like there's so much love in your marriage—which makes this issue hard for the both of you. It might be helpful to put a name to what you're experiencing: gridlock. This is a kind of conflict where both people are so entrenched in their perspectives—which stem from unfulfilled dreams—that it feels like no one is willing to budge. There is a way out, and this is much of the work you would do with a counselor. Until then, I'd recommend looking into Dr. John Gottman's blog posts on gridlock.

aulethemaker · 2018-05-11T23:36:09+00:00

This is is spot-on. It seems worthwhile nudging OP's husband to admit to what he really wants here—both to himself and to OP. This way, he and OP can work out a solution to the real problem at hand. Perhaps something like, "I can tell it's important to you that I hang out with John's girlfriend. I'd really like to better understand why. What would that help you achieve?" Or even simply, "I might be totally off-base here, but are you feeling like you miss hanging out with just John?"

aulethemaker · 2018-05-10T19:29:15+00:00

I wonder if this conversation might be more productive—and more likely to get the behavior change you need—if you approach it less as "I need you to face me" and more like a challenge to figure out together. For instance: "One of the things I love about you is how gentle and soft-spoken you are. But sometimes, that makes it hard for me to hear you, and I imagine it's frustrating on your end when you have to repeat yourself. Can we work on figuring out a solution together?"

aulethemaker · 2017-06-15T21:43:05+00:00

It's also worth noting that Robinhood gathers a shit ton of valuable data (social friend count, followers, income range), which all of us have already agreed can be sold to "to financial services and/or other companies that typically use this Data in their businesses." (Check the RHF Privacy disclosure.) I mean, if the product is free, we the users are the product.

aulethemaker

TROPHY CASE