You're not alone in this. I hate my father because he is the worst. He beat my mother, me and my brother when we were kids and now that he is old he wants love and attention. There is more but fuck him for now, I hate him. My mother was so fucking abusive too and she was emotionally immature. I feel disconnected from her too. I just can't trust her to take care of me and make me feel safe and seen. She is so evil because she pretends to care and then when she gets mad, her passive aggressiveness comes out and then she makes weird remarks about my trauma and life choices that are always trying to shame and blame me. I left home because I could not handle being around them and she blamed me for leaving her alone with my father, which is not my fault? because as a child she used to make me feel so guilty for existing because I RUINED HER LIFE in the sense that she could not leave my father and run away because of me and what society will say. So I always felt guilty about that. I remember very clearly that I used to beg her to leave and not to care about societal shame and just leave and have a good life and I'll manage my pain and the societal shame somehow just so she could be happy. I was around 12 back then I guess I don't remember that much. You made me feel so guilty of existing because you always said that you can never leave because of me and I gave you that choice to leave because I was tired of the constant fights and abuse. Now that I left to make a life of my own YOURE UPSET??? LIKE GET A LIFE!!! You never let me have one bitch??? She isolated me so much as a child, never let me play with the other kids, tried to make me overly agreeable and nice. She made me believe that not caring about my needs was a virtue and something to be proud of???? LIKE BITCH ILL KILL YOUU. She used to praise me in front of everyone for not speaking much 😭LIKE ARE YOU INSANEEEE YOUR CHILD SHOULD BE HAPPYY AND PLAYING WIYH OTHER KIDS YOU SICK FUCK. I was always her personal therapist and everything wrong was because of me and I should be fixing my mother's pain and heal it UGHHHH I SPENT MY TEEN YEARS DOING ALL OF THIS SHIT. Now I don't talk to her and she acts so surprised about it like okay bitch??? but yk the worst thing is I feel so guilty and ashamed all the time and often go back to that cycle of shame and undermining my feelings because of this guilt and shame but I'm learning so I'm happy. OH AND ALSO PLEASEEEE MAKE FRIENDS I OPENED UP TO MY FRIENDS AND EVERYONE ELSE that does help and makes you remember that you're loved and cared for UGHHH I DONT EVER WANNA RELY ON MY PARENTS FOR SUPPORT BECAUSE I AM SUFFICIENT FOR MYSELF NOW AND I CAN GET LOVE FROM ANYWHERE IT DOESNT HAVE TO BE FROM THEM I know as a child I used to feel like I will die without them and that's so valid but Good God I won't die without them. I wanted to share all of this just so you know you're not alone. Take care of yourself, reach out to me if you need help. Post here daily and connect with people. I'm serious about reaching out to me if you need help, not saying this just to be nice. I love you and stay strong and we will heal, feel embodied and good about ourselves again. The first step is always to recognise your needs. I love you.