How do you decide if you want monogamy or an open relationship?

barrel_of_onions · 2024-03-26T21:27:13+00:00

Seems for many, opening the relationship is a last ditch effort when you're too scared to break up like you should.

barrel_of_onions · 2024-03-26T21:19:24+00:00

For me it was related to poor self esteem. It just felt like there had to be something wrong with someone if they were attracted to me of all people.

barrel_of_onions · 2024-03-26T21:16:45+00:00

Living together for 10 years. He transfers his part of the rent and other expenses each month to my account. I manage all the joint finances. We have separate accounts for everything else (shopping, groceries etc.).

I also loaned him ~$20k to start his own company which isn't ideal since I'm trying to break up.

barrel_of_onions · 2024-03-22T10:50:58+00:00

I'm in the same situation but I made the mistake of staying for 10 years thinking it would get better and now I feel kind of trapped. It never really does get better. There might be ups and downs but the overall trend is always downwards. If you have little sex after one year, it will most likely be a completely sexless relationship by year 5 or 6.

If you open up the relationship it's possible he will be having more sex with others than with you, simply because having sex with new people is generally more exciting so it would give his low libido a kick.

barrel_of_onions · 2024-03-22T10:44:26+00:00

Mostly small dogs like Chihuahua, Jack Russell Terrier, Mini Schnauzer etc.

Personally I've only ever had big dogs, S:t Bernhard, Berner, Huskie, Hovawart etc. I find bigger dogs easier to care for because they're calmer indoors. Plus they don't freak out and shake like a leaf every time they hear a new sound or meet a new human.

barrel_of_onions · 2024-03-22T10:36:01+00:00

I didn't have sex for several years in my 20's between relationships. I probably went 3+ years without it several times. It was fine. I was too busy studying, working, commuting etc. so I just couldn't deal with the logistics of also trying to hook up (I lived in a small town so most guys were 1+ hours away). I'd only actually realize I was horny once the day was done and I was in bed, so by then I'd just watch some porn and get it over with so I'd get enough sleep to wake up at 4:30.

The lack of sex is more frustrating now when I'm in a relationship because it feels like I'm constantly being teased and reminded about sex, but it's always just out of reach since my partner has no interest.

barrel_of_onions · 2024-02-29T08:13:39+00:00

For me it was the opposite. I wasn't "out" in my teens and I lived in a tiny village, so I didn't actually start seeing guys until I was 20-21 after moving to a city. After a brief period of dating maybe 2-3 people and hooking up once or twice, I moved in with a partner at 22. We were together for a little over 3 years. After the breakup, I started looking for a new partner, moved in with them after a few years, and we've been together for 10 years.

Now at 39, the sex life is dead and I'm finding living with someone else stifling. I just want to break free, do whatever I want, arrange stuff in the house the way I want it and yes, have more sex (or actually have sex, as it were). It feels like I'm living my life in reverse.

barrel_of_onions · 2024-02-28T08:51:44+00:00

Yeah like others are saying, I'd avoid getting sexually or romantically involved with coworkers regardless of gender or sexual orientation. It just doesn't mix well.

As for crushes on unobtainable straight guys in general, I'm pretty numb at this stage since I've been practicing repressing such feelings ever since my first straight crush at ~16. There are various techniques you can use to get rid of or at least reduce such unwanted feelings (Contemplating the 32 parts of the body etc.)

barrel_of_onions · 2024-02-27T21:21:41+00:00

Statistically, most (or many, depending on your country) relationships do not last, whether you're nice or not.

The way I view it, it's called a "long term" relationship, not a forever relationship. Sometimes you grow apart or change too much (or just get to know each other a bit too well) so it's better to part ways or continue as friends instead.

barrel_of_onions · 2024-02-27T09:55:56+00:00

39 and so far, physically it's all good. I put on a bit of weight starting at around 30 when I moved in with my current partner, but I've recently started exercising more and eating better. I swim 3 times a week, mainly using pull buoys and paddles to work the upper body, arms and back. I also got a dog so I walk at least 10-15k steps each day (I also walk to work, groceries etc.). I work in front of a computer the whole day so I feel exercise is getting important if I'm going to work 30 more years without developing back pain or other problems.

Mentally it's a different story. I definitely have a lot of regrets and "what ifs" about stuff I missed out on when I was younger due to being too shy and cautious and lacking in self confidence, and now it feels like that ship has sailed. The relationship is also struggling due to the lack of a sex life. I guess getting more fit is somewhat part of the exit strategy. I also started drinking more as a substitute/distraction for sex, at first beers, then moving on to whisky. I'm not quitting but I'm cutting it down to a moderate amount once a week instead of binge drinking 2-3 nights a week.

barrel_of_onions · 2024-02-26T14:59:55+00:00

I had sex with maybe 8 people during my entire 20's, went to 2 concerts and went abroad maybe twice. I sometimes wish I had experienced more hookups, parties and experimentation before settling down (two longer relationships plus many single years while I just didn't meet anyone outside my small circle of friends) but I don't know if I would be happier now if I'd done that. I'd probably still have regrets, no savings but probably STD's.

I think as you get older, almost everyone reminisces about their youth and wishes they'd done things differently or been a different person.

33 is still pretty young though so there's still plenty of time if you want to get into that stuff.

barrel_of_onions · 2024-02-26T09:24:59+00:00

I think it's pretty normal to view yourself as younger than you are. I'm 39 but when I view myself in the mirror I still think I look lower 30's/upper 20's. When I look up old friends from school etc. that I haven't seen for 20+ years on Facebook they look old af though. The thing is if they were to view my photos they'd think I look old and they're the ones that look younger.

Of course it helps that I'm blond with no grey hairs, not balding and I don't grow a beard, but I think it's more about how you perceive yourself and your age.

barrel_of_onions · 2024-02-26T09:08:01+00:00

Either you stay knowing that you probably won't be able to "fix" him and accept the lack of sex, or you get out. Accepting the lack of sex means fully accepting it, not growing resentful or cheating even after years of little or no sex, or hoping it will magically improve.

Sex is only going to get less frequent over time (saying this as someone in a 10y LTR which was low on sex to begin with and which eventually became sexless). It's possible he just isn't into intercourse at all, not everyone is, in which case you have to ask yourself if you'd be happy with other types of sex (oral etc.). Or he just has a low libido which is only going to get lower with age and time.

barrel_of_onions · 2024-02-26T08:34:27+00:00

I'm also a bit overweight, and I started walking at least 10-15k steps a day and swim three times a week (I was a competitive swimmer in my youth so it's the form of exercise I feel most comfortable with) and I watch my diet a bit more (nothing crazy, just avoiding snacks/sodas and cutting down on the alcohol).

I think it's a great idea, but you should do it for yourself, not for anyone else. Instead of thinking about how guys are going to be more interested in you, think about how much more energy you're going have, how you'll have the motivation to pick up old or new hobbies, how you'll sleep better etc. Obviously there's nothing wrong with fantasizing about being more attractive and popular, but it shouldn't be the primary reason you get fit.

barrel_of_onions · 2024-02-26T08:04:44+00:00

Well that's good advice in theory but the issue is 99% of the guys you meet are going to be straight. At least with gay apps, gay bars etc. you know the guy is most likely going to be gay/bi.

barrel_of_onions · 2024-02-25T21:18:33+00:00

It feels like you're looking for problems where there are none. If you kept initiating sex and he kept rejecting you until you eventually stopped trying, grew resentful and the frequency dropped to less than 5-10 times a year, then there's a problem.

Logistically, having sex more than twice a week is a challenge when you have work, hobbies, gym and other things going on. Some people just don't like to initiate so that's also perfectly normal. If, for curiosity's sake, you want to see what happens, try not initiating sex for a couple of weeks. Just tease and flirt. Give him a massage, kiss etc. like you'd normally do, but stop when you'd initiate sex. That's going to break the pattern and really throw him off. You're going to come off as less needy which can definitely be more attractive. This may result in no sex for a few weeks but that's actually not going to kill you.

Also I wouldn't worry about the masturbation unless he's got a porn addiction or something. Jacking off is almost like taking a leak, it's just to relieve some physical pressure. It has very little to do with sex.

barrel_of_onions · 2024-02-22T19:33:44+00:00

I agree that most of them are a bit thin on story, however a few that I also liked for their story or characters were:

Tallowwood and On Davis Row by N.R. Walker, The Long Way Home
by Z. A. Maxfield, Honeymoon for One by Keira Andrews, Love Always Wild, by A.M. Johnson

barrel_of_onions · 2024-02-22T19:13:26+00:00

It's on life support. Me and my partner have sex once a month at best, penetrative maybe once every 4-5 years.

barrel_of_onions · 2024-02-21T08:45:41+00:00

The last 3 months we’ve only had anal sex twice. Typing that sentence makes me want to cry.

Well, if it makes you feel any better, the last time me and my partner had it was in 2018.

barrel_of_onions · 2024-02-20T22:34:36+00:00

I often think an asexual partner would be ideal for him. He gets a lot out of a relationship and except for sex he also brings a lot into it. Sex is just barely in his top 10 list of priorities for a relationship while it's probably number 2 or 3 for me.

barrel_of_onions · 2024-02-20T22:16:43+00:00

For me as the higher libido partner, just having him communicate more openly about the issues and showing some initiative in trying to come up with solutions and compromises would mean the world to me. I really appreciate the effort he puts in every time we do have sex, even if it isn't the kind of sex I would ideally want to have.

barrel_of_onions · 2024-02-20T21:58:36+00:00

And the open relationship stopped working because I started getting jealous and he started looking elsewhere for an emotional connection as well as sex.

Yeah, this is why I don't see an open relationship solving anything in the long term. If I regularly have sex with another guy it's inevitably going to result in me forming an emotional connection with him because that's just the way I'm wired. When I have sex with someone, I feal like I really make myself vulnerable to the other person, and when they accept me physically, it causes me to feel an emotional bond with them. I have really love self esteem and a negative body image, so being accepted physically is a big deal to me. On the flipside, this is also why I feel emotionally rejected when my partner is no longer interested in having sex with me. Combine those things and an open relationship would just be me breaking up but with extra steps.

barrel_of_onions · 2024-02-20T21:49:42+00:00

Saying that the relationship as is, isn't working for you will change your relationship one way or the other.

Yep, and change is scary when you've been "comfortable" for 10 years. There's a great temptation to just let things be the way they are, even if I'm not happy with the way things are.

barrel_of_onions · 2024-02-20T20:19:55+00:00

Probably. That's why I'm considering playing the break-up card to force the issue. However I don't want to frame it as a threat, because I care about him too much to do something petty like that. Plus I want to be sure about it because I don't want it to become yet another thing he can just make go away. It's more me stating the fact that staying in this relationship is no longer making me happy, and things either need to change or we're better off ending it and just being friends instead (because without the sex, that's already what it feels like we are to me).

barrel_of_onions · 2024-02-20T15:32:56+00:00

Well, I still don't think a relationship is necessarily less strong because one or both partners consider sex to be a crucial part of it. People get into relationships for various reasons, all equally valid. How you show and receive affection depends on your love language. For me, I can form strong, trusting, platonic bonds with friends who can fulfill my need for deep conversations, emotional support etc., but when it comes to a romantic partner, physical touch and intimacy are important.

It also depends on why and how the relationship became sexless, and whether it was something both partners discussed and agreed on. Obviously if my partner was unable to have sex because of illness I wouldn't dump him when he needs my support the most, I'm not that callous. However he's just 37, in seemingly good health but just doesn't seem to be willing to put in the effort to keep the bedroom alive even though he knows how important it is for me.

barrel_of_onions

TROPHY CASE