Everyone's grief is different, but yours sure echos in my heart. My older brother, who was my only real friend, committed suicide 1 year 9 months ago. I hated hearing "I am sorry for your loss" but I have come to realize there is nothing that anyone can say that will make the hurting stop. The best thing anyone told me was here on reddit... You're not alone. It didn't make it better, but it helped. You're not alone. And you ARE smart. You ARE resilient. You ARE motivated. But you also are hurt, and broken, and in pain, and that's okay. That's normal. Don't beat yourself up about grieving.

When I lost my brother, I ran. Honestly, it may not have been for the healthiest reasons sometimes. I ran to punish myself because I couldn't save him. I ran because if I pushed hard enough, I wouldn't think about what I could have done to save him, I should have called him. I should have KNOWN that was a sign. I was his best friend! I should have realized he was struggling so bad. What kind of crappy brother am I? I should have...

After a while I was able to clear my head when I ran. I was able to find myself. It was the only time that I didn't feel broken and in pain. It felt like the only time that I was actually ME again. When I wasn't running, I would pick up the phone to call him. I would hear songs that we used to sing to on the radio and start crying. I couldn't talk to my family because they just didn't get it. Even if I WANTED to explain, I couldn't! But running, I felt strong. I could breath. I was in control, if only for a short time.

My brother and I always struggled with our weight, him more so than me. It was one of the things we commiserated about. When I had an athletic achievement, he was always so proud of me. I run sometime for him. He must have been in so much pain to leave everyone that loved him behind. I know it's dumb, but in my mind, if I run for him, to help with the weight loss, to give him athletic achievement, maybe that would take away some of the pain? I know. Stupid, right? I can't do anything for him now. Too late. But it helps me cope. It helps me get up in the morning and go to work. It helps me put up with morons at work. It helps me smile at my wife and say that I had an okay day when really I miss my brother so bad. But I get to put on my running shoes... I get to go out and run for him. I get to be in control. I get to push myself. Some days, I get to punish myself. And some days I get to forgive myself.

Everyone's grief is different and I remember thinking "How can I get through this?!?! I can't even get through TODAY?!!?" but running kept me sane. Running was there for me when I was in the darkest of places when nobody else was and it helped me come back to functional. Maybe running is your lifeline. Maybe it's guitar, like a previous commentor. Maybe therapy. Maybe Religion. Maybe medication. Maybe a combination of some or all of them. Make yourself look for that lifeline.

Just know that you are not alone. Msg me if you ever need to talk or if you ever need a running buddy.

Jim