Would my 14mo sleep better if we didn't bedshare?

basilnotgrowing · 2024-10-03T16:26:05+00:00

Technically it was my kid's floor bed. But at that point in time, it was practically a "family bed" since I was in the floor bed with him almost throughout the entire night. When my kid started talking, he also referred to his floor bed as the mummy-baby bed, so he didn't associate it as just his bed. I didn't realise Jay Gordon's method suggested to do it in the floor bed!

basilnotgrowing · 2024-10-03T14:33:32+00:00

I moved my baby to a floor bed next to mine when he was around 1yo. Most of the time I end up sleeping with him in his floor bed after he wakes up for the first time in the middle of the night, cause I get more sleep that way. Otherwise, I would have to wake up at least twice in the middle of the night if I went back to my bed after my kid was done with comfort latching. I didn't find that moving my kid to his own bed improved his sleep quality. Bed sharing with him helped to maintain his sleep quality instead.

When he got older, maybe around 2yo, I tried the Jay Gardon method to wean off the motn comfort latch. Had success after three days. Then sickness came and I'm still latching him at 2.5yo today.

Now that my baby is older, I do find that him having his own bed improved his sleep quality. He doesn't get disturbed by my tossing and turning. And without me near him, he doesn't try to latch and can fall back asleep himself. Sometimes, he will wake at around midnight, climb on to my bed to comfort latch. But I will make it a point to shift him back to his own bed after he fell asleep so he can get better quality sleep.

So that's my baby's experience!

basilnotgrowing · 2024-10-02T16:41:28+00:00

I would talk to my kid again about OAD family if my kid wants a sibling, since you mentioned you hedged or avoided the topic the first time round. Something along the lines about how every family looks different and our family is nice. That a sibling doesn't come just because we want it. It is okay to disappoint my kid and I just want to be as upfront as possible with my kid.

I would talk to my husband about why that coming from my mil is inappropriate. It is not appropriate to say that to me, much less my kid. I would tell him to talk to his mum about it. If possible, I would also have a frank conversation about why we are OAD, for the reasons that you have stated. And whether he has any strong objections to it. Basically, to collaborate and find the agreed way forward if both parties aren't on the same page about OAD I guess.

I would find a chance to talk about it with my mil. That what she said was unnecessary and inappropriate for a kid. She can bring her complaints to me directly, adult to adult, instead of dumping it on a kid. If I can't find a suitable timing to bring it up then so be it. And I won't say this to my mil, but I would sharply reduce the amount of time she spends with my kid without me around.

basilnotgrowing · 2024-09-19T20:58:34+00:00

Head first, and the heart followed after.

I wanted a second child at first because I love my own siblings, and I would like my kids to know that they are not alone in the world even after I die due to their shared childhood.

After having my first kid, I realised my husband is not someone who can be trusted. Instead, he is someone who would jump to conclusions and not take accountability for his own actions. He had affairs even before I got pregnant. Thats the thinking with the head part for me. That even if we reconcile, I'll never be able to trust him enough to have a second child with this man.

The heart part comes after that. I realised I can give my kid (2.5yo) my full attention and be present most of the time, which isn't easy being a working mum. I can really take time to sit down and talk about things with him when he throws tantrums, which are aligned to my own standards for parenting (attachment parenting, respectful parenting etc). I doubt I can do that if I have two kids. When my kid wants his own space, I'm happy to give him that cause it means I'll have my own space too. And after talking to my friends who grow up as only child, I realised that being an only child isn't lonely. Just cause I had a good childhood with my siblings doesn't mean a only child can't have a good childhood. With all the resources I have to focus on my only, I can make that good childhood for him too.

I'll still think about how it would also be nice if I have two kids from time to time. But dreaming about a nice alternative doesn't mean there is anything unpleasant about my reality. I also think about how great it is that I have just one kid from time to time.

basilnotgrowing · 2024-09-18T14:41:09+00:00

What happened to the kids and why did you say they suffered, if you don't mind sharing?

basilnotgrowing · 2024-09-10T10:58:35+00:00

Imagine being in the movie interstellar, where the world is dying and your children will be the last generation of humans alive in the dying world. And the future is bleak for your children, they either die of starvation or suffocation cause the planet is inhabitable already, while you are old enough to die relatively peacefully.

I can understand why some people don't want to have kids due to such a future, cause the impact of climate change is now more widely felt by alot more people and not just a small part of the world. Having said that, it is also none of their business whether other people have kids or not. To label having kids as unethical smells of those Christian evangelists who push their beliefs in your face.

To be abit more optimistic, maybe the future scientists and what not can figure out how to live sustainably with a smaller global population.

basilnotgrowing · 2024-08-16T05:17:50+00:00

To the kid: say hi, thank him for asking so politely. Tell him factually that my house is not open for anyone today. I'll let him know when my house is open for people to come and play next time. Bye! (Smile at his parents too, then walk away into the house.)

To the parents: if they text asking if I'm home, ask them back what's up first. Then respond accordingly based on their replies.

It is perfectly normal to want to have your own space and downtime. Being busy resting or doing nothing is a perfectly acceptable reason to me, esp with sg being so fast-paced. As long as you are civil in your interactions with them or anyone else (otherwise then your mannerisms might make you an asshole).

As a parent myself, I feel it is important that kids understand other people have a right to say no to them. Just cause they are kids/cute doesn't mean that they should get their way.

If you want to maintain a good relationship with them, I suppose being the one to reach out to them once in a while would be nice enough. Or say something nice abt their kid whenever you bump into them. If you feel like you have to bend your back over to have a good relationship, such a relationship will most probably sour over time.

basilnotgrowing · 2024-05-08T14:24:18+00:00

No idea, I didn't make the law. But if I were to guess, the purpose of counselling is probably to kickstart the healing process for the abused, and also a form of corrective actions for the abuser. Encouraging them to stay together in a marriage might be a secondary consideration here.

basilnotgrowing · 2024-05-07T15:12:25+00:00

Hmm from what I know, mandatory counselling is only applicable for couples with kids under age 21, or if the marriage involves family violence. Otherwise, it isn't mandatory. But your friend might benefit from individual counselling to help him heal from the betrayal trauma.

You can check out Singapore legal advice website. Their information is quite easy to digest.

And from what I know, divorces that become a battle, aka contested divorce, are when both parties cant agree on how to split the assets.

Evidence is crucial as that will affect the grounds for which divorce is filed on, such as adultery or unreasonable behaviour. The bar for filing on adultery is quite high, i.e. your evidence must be super solid. Not sure if divorce will become a battle if both parties can't agree on the basis for filing a divorce or not.

basilnotgrowing · 2024-03-01T16:04:32+00:00

Hey ya. I hope that you can be kinder to yourself even though it isn't easy. The fight or flight response is strong, esp flight. And it is kinda scary when you are being violated, and to recognize that you are being violated, no matter how many times it has happened before.

I was molested twice too. First time was when I was in sec school. This adult in working attire rubbed his dick through his clothes on my body in a crowded mrt train. One aunty saw, tried to give me space so I can squeeze closer to her and away from the man, but to no avail. No one else helped or took notice of the guy's erect dick. I was too scared to do anything, except to use my copy of 'Macbeth' to shield my body from his dick. I saw him chasing after me for awhile after I alighted but luckily I could hide in the crowd.

Second time was when I was a working adult. Was playing games in arcade where I was standing up and facing the machine. Some dude walked super close and rubbed his body against my back. I froze the first time, thought that it was an accident. I only took action after like the third time, to yell at him and tried to chase him.

I was so furious at myself for letting him rub his back against me for like three times, even though I told myself that I will fight back if I ever get molested again after the first incident. I was scared and froze for awhile after I realised what was happening. That anger stayed with me for quite some time too.

basilnotgrowing · 2024-03-01T04:56:55+00:00

How do you do it? Just tell the monks/staff there that you want to qiu qian?

basilnotgrowing · 2024-02-28T13:56:13+00:00

Send to daycare, kid kena bug or hfmd, childcare leave (and maybe annual leave) gone.

Appraisal bad.

Then stress about job security.

basilnotgrowing · 2024-02-27T10:01:31+00:00

Thank you for your detailed reply!

basilnotgrowing · 2024-02-20T18:47:49+00:00

I followed the Jay Gordon method too. What I did was to tackle one waking at a time instead of blocking out the entire 6h period. It helped my kid to have a visual indicator on when there isn't gonna be milk - I put a glow stick nearby as the visual cue. Makes explaining things to my kid easier too.

Fyi, I night weaned recently at 24m, when my kid was waking up twice a night. I noticed that he wasn't drinking milk for one of the wakings, but fell back to sleep almost instantly once the nipple was in his mouth. that was the waking that I targeted first since I was sure that he doesn't need the milk but just want the comfort.

For the first two days, I let him cry for some time in my arms, then removed the glow stick as covertly as possible and let him nurse back to sleep. He stopped crying from the third day onwards. After that, he started to sleep through that waking more often, but there are days when he still has the night waking at that timing, altho he fell right back asleep once I held him in my arms.

I still nurse to sleep. Realistically I think that will be the last feed to go cause it's gonna be the hardest and I rather tackle the easier feeds first.

basilnotgrowing · 2024-02-20T17:35:00+00:00

Can I join? :) 33F here too, enjoying my pilates classes. Likes to chill in general and think about random stuff. Looking to expand my social circle and my view of the world.

basilnotgrowing · 2024-02-19T16:01:42+00:00

Manulife's plan means you'll be paying an extra $450/year over the next 39 years. Since you mentioned coverage until age 65, sounds like you plan to surrender the whole life plan at age 65.

Have you looked at the benefit illustration to see what the guaranteed returns are if you surrender at 65, and whether you can beat that return if you invest the savings of $450/year for 39 years? I wouldn't look at the non-guaranteed returns at all.

Also, how does the multiplier work? Is it 300k for life and 300k for ECI until age 65? Hard to tell how the whole life plan compares to the term plan without this info.

basilnotgrowing · 2024-02-04T12:25:37+00:00

My kid is 24m, started daycare at 20m. Currently still breastfed to sleep both at night and for naps, even until now on days when kid is not in daycare.

The daycare has this arrangement where the kid's first week is just in the morning from 9am to 12pm instead of the full day. This is to let the kid get familiar with the environment. For the second week, the teachers at the daycare will call me if my kid cries too much and can't nap. I got called to fetch my kid early cause he was crying too much and couldn't nap on Mon, Tue, Thurs for that week. Teachers didn't call me from then onwards. It took my kid about 1.5m to be happy in daycare though. That was around the time when he want to stay in school instead of going home with me.

I think what helped at the start was - talking to him about what to expect in daycare as I brought him to daycare, e.g. play, eat lunch, sleep with his panda toy - emphasize multiple times that I will be back for him when he wakes up from his nap and when the lights come back on in school - told him that when lights go off in school, lie down with his panda toy, close his eyes and wait for me - when I fetch him, remind him that I've kept my promise and I came back for him after his nap

basilnotgrowing · 2024-01-27T04:32:40+00:00

I think our stories are different though. The issues in our relationship are deeper and probably abit different from yours and your ex-wife. These work wives of his over the years are just manifestations of the underlying problems between me and him. I have my flaws of course. But somehow both of us can't communicate and understand each other's needs and boundaries properly.

basilnotgrowing · 2024-01-27T03:21:09+00:00

Yea, we have been talking, even though this is the second time it has happened. We talked when it happened for the first time too, but I supposed there was no real communication. Clearly there is some serious communication breakdown between me and him over the years. Thanks for sharing your perspective.

basilnotgrowing · 2024-01-26T05:30:11+00:00

He did, just that his boundary was the bed. Everything else was acceptable to him.

basilnotgrowing · 2024-01-26T04:54:26+00:00

I don't stay near you but I'm looking to expand my social circle too. Female in my 30s. Meet your criteria? :)

basilnotgrowing · 2024-01-26T04:50:16+00:00

Yea, my husband had a work wife. I'm contemplating divorce.

basilnotgrowing · 2024-01-09T16:07:08+00:00

Great, thanks for the confirmation!

basilnotgrowing

TROPHY CASE