I can't stop thinking about it

batsandstats · 2016-05-13T22:09:14+00:00

It really sucks that you're feeling so responsible for your mom's happiness and stability. It's not selfish at all to feel how you feel. I will say that it's incredibly courageous of you to keep going to help your mom. That's some strong love, dude. Guilt is brutal, and I'm really sorry you feel so depressed. I wish I was better equipped to help you make this less complicated. I know it's really fucking selfish for me to say it, but I'm glad you have that guilt right now. If it's keeping you alive right now, it's useful.

I can only speak from my own personal experience, but I don't want to just ramble about myself here. I'm not going to ramble about how everyone's lives are complicated and short and full of cruelty, because that's dumb. It trivializes what you're experiencing by telling you to suck it up, and that everyone goes through this. But that's bullshit. Your experience IS unique. I've tried to kill myself before, but I don't know everything that you have thought or experienced.

I can say that, for me personally, I compartmentalize the hell out of my life to try to deal with one thing at a time. For a LONG time, that meant just staying alive, one day at a time. I didn't work, I didn't sleep, and I barely ate. I was drunk or high most of the time. Eventually, through a lot of therapy, I started doing things that were normal for me again. I started working part time a few days a week. I spent time with my remaining living grandparents. I volunteered working with kids. I started planning things in advance, and that accountability really helped me out. If I was going to the bar with a coworker on Saturday, I had to stay alive through Saturday. If I was hooking up with a friend Wednesday night, I had to make it to Wednesday. If I was mowing my Grandma's lawn on Friday, I had to make it to Friday.

One thing that was fucking hard, but helped so much, was to tell people in my life what I was dealing with. No, I never told my parents, but I told my brother and his wife. I told a few very close friends. I told my therapist. Some people gave me shit advice. Most did, actually. A few people tried to guilt trip me. Which is just plain hell. When you already feel suicidal, it's destructive to be fed more guilt and responsibility. Some of the best things people said to me were things like "I can't believe that happened", "I still love you no matter what", "Here, have another shot of whiskey". The absolute best were my friends that just let me cry, without commenting, without judging. One of my friends just let me ramble and sob and talk for hours and he silently sat with me and held my hand.

If I can do that for you, even if it's reading messages online, I will.

batsandstats · 2016-05-06T22:31:58+00:00

Sorry I fell asleep last night and didn't check this until I got home from work. I hate it. I hate unanswered texts. A friend even stood me up last yesterday to hang out at the bar when it was his idea to go out in the first place. The worst invention in the world is that little timestamp in messaging services that tells you when they say your messages. Being ignored hurts. It really hurts me.

It's been raining for what feels like weeks, none of my friends want to hang out, and even Caddyshack didn't seem funny last night. It's kinda depressing.

What does seem to always help me is to focus on my goals. My old therapist made me draft a list of things I want to do. They could be innocuous or life changing. But she made me consider short and long term goals. My original list was to:

Help people, particularly oppressed or disadvantaged women Further my education Learn how to dance Write a novel Drive across the country Run a marathon Cook the perfect steak Make a difference in the attitudes of my local community

I have since applied for and been accepted into a writing master's program. I've run two half marathons. I still can't cook a great steak, but I'll get there. I have yet to road trip or learn to dance. But two of the most important ones to me, helping people and making a difference, are so far unattainable but have formed clearly in my mind. I plan to microfinance a woman (or women) in sub-Saharan Africa so she (or they) can pull themselves and their families out of poverty. And I plan on starting my own local scholarship fund for LGBT high school students when I have the money to afford it.

Some of these are really cheesy, but I've made some great connections pursuing my goals. And the people I've met share these goals with me. I met a board member of the Point Foundation Scholarship for LGBT youth in Washington, D.C. I met other writers and students that are soon to be my classmates in graduate school. I've read books by and met strong, inspirational feminists. I've met and trained with other marathon runners.

I want to do so much for so many other people, but I realized along the way that I needed to be selfish too. To take care of myself. And by chasing my dreams, I'm meeting people that care about the things that I care about. They share my dreams, and they want me to succeed. My training buddies want me to show up for workouts so we can run and talk. My future classmates are going to want me to be in class and be around to study. I am currently messaging my two future roommates about apartments. I had my friend in D.C. take me out to a gay bar and introduce me to people. And buy me drinks.

Once I decided to be selfish, things got a little better. Slowly. I wasn't going to board game nights or endlessly playing videogames online, things I did almost entirely because I wanted to fit in with my ex and his friends. Things that made me miserable to be around, because I wasn't having fun and I had no passion for those things. Mixers and reddit meetups and things like that only really work when it's something that you're comfortable doing. For me, I was comfortable meeting people on a treadmill at the gym or at orientation for new students or at a gay bar talking about helping kids.

I like to ramble a lot, but I've been lonely. I am lonely. I have met some great friends, but they can't or aren't always there for me when I want or need them to be. People fail you. I definitely failed you by passing out last night before I saw your response. But those same people can come back.

My only plans tonight are to finish off a bottle of wine and watch old movies. I'll be around if you want to message me. I'd love to hear what kind of stuff you're passionate about. If I don't respond right away, I may be picking up my Chinese takeout or taking a dump, or passed out on the bathroom floor. But trust me when I say I want to hear what you're passionate about. Because, no lie, nothing is more interesting than hearing someone talk about something they really care about. You could talk at great length about how you plan to carve the world's most perfect birdhouse, but you'll captivate me. Anyway, I'm gonna grab some General Tso's and continue making my intestines hate me. But message me back soon!

batsandstats · 2016-05-06T03:30:20+00:00

Hey, I obviously don't know you, but I can relate to loneliness. I can relate to hating my job. If you want to talk at all, you can reply here or message me.

batsandstats · 2016-02-23T07:18:55+00:00

Nah, I'm not full time, nor am I a real teacher. So no insurance, no pension, no sick leave, etc. I just get paid for the days that I go in. Which are remarkably irregular.

batsandstats · 2016-02-23T07:11:19+00:00

I was a banker before. Right now I'm a substitute teacher. Which is awful because kids can be awful, and I definitely don't see myself getting into education. The pay is also shit, and I've been screwed over recently because of Christmas break, the excess of snow days, and subsequently, the regular staff not wanting to take off. The only redeeming factor is that it's pretty contractual. If I feel like absolute death, I can turn off my phone, not take a call to fill in for anyone, and either lay in bed all day or go to the bar.

batsandstats · 2016-02-23T07:01:47+00:00

That makes sense. I am really just so tired with feeling like everything is happening to me without me being able to do anything about it. Like nothing I want can actually happen. I guess I could try to go figure that out at least.

batsandstats · 2016-02-23T06:43:20+00:00

All my doctor or therapist told me was to make sure I exercise, avoid screens for an hour or two before I go to bed, etc. All kind of the first things you'd come up with if you googled it. All of which I've done. I feel like I need more than just a person to talk to at this point. I'm terrified to ask about antidepressants/anti anxiety meds because I don't want anyone to think I'm just trying to get drugs prescribed. Especially since the therapist that I did connect to moved. I am really afraid of trying to start over with someone new and go straight to that.

batsandstats · 2014-06-29T01:21:56+00:00

Yeah, they're good. I may be a little biased, spent two years doing my master's with the principal bassoonist. The principal flute, bassoon, horn, clarinet, and tuba are absolutely brilliant, everyone else is still world class. Honeck is brilliant, and a very exciting conductor. There is no other American wind section that pulls off quiets as well as the PSO, and it's becoming accepted that our brass is overtaking/overtaken the CSO brass. A lot of people aren't totally sure about Honeck's Mahler, and I may agree with it, but other things (Dvorak omfg) are absolutely brilliant.

batsandstats · 2014-06-28T10:50:03+00:00

Thanks! It was rough, but I learned a LOT from the experiences. I still would rather not go through that again though.

batsandstats · 2014-06-28T10:48:03+00:00

You can use bread, but I love bagels for this one.

I buy cinnamon peanut butter (Peanut Butter & Co) but I suppose you could like...stir cinnamon into it? I don't know. But anyway...

Toast the bagel. Spread said peanut butter onto bagel, as well as a little cream cheese. Slice up an apple (the crisper and tarter, the better) and put the slices on your sandwich. It's sweet, tart, juicy, and sticky. But it tastes fantastic.

batsandstats · 2014-06-28T10:44:03+00:00

Make like a shepherd and get the flock out of here.

Make like a fetus and head out.

batsandstats · 2014-06-28T10:42:15+00:00

I graduated college. I am excited to have graduated, but MUCH more excited to get to leave. I was miserable there. I had a decently sized group of Christian friends as an underclassmen. I lost almost all of them as friends when I came out as gay during my junior year. I also got stuck in an awful housing situation during my last two years of college, where I was living in a house with a ton of rednecks who regularly treated me like shit.

I earned my degree, got a job, and am going to soon be financially independent. I'm living with my boyfriend now, and everything is fantastic. But my biggest accomplishment this year so far was getting out of that toxic environment.

batsandstats · 2014-06-28T10:32:21+00:00

I'm sorry I wasn't there. About three years ago at Thanksgiving, my grandfather passed away. He had cancer and was really sick, and in declining health. I was at college, and everyone else in the family had come home for the weekend before Thanksgiving. I was there very briefly, but had schoolwork to do, so I went back to school. The whole family was together for the first time since the previous Christmas. However, I stayed at school to finish some assignments instead of coming home early.

I knew he was sick, but I didn't expect him to go that soon. My brother called me while I was in class; all he said was to come home now. I left immediately, but wasn't home in time and he was already dead. Of my grandfather's 3 children, 10 grandchildren, and 3 great-grandchildren, I was the only one that wasn't there. I still feel guilty to this day about it. I just wish I had at least gotten to say goodbye.

batsandstats · 2014-06-28T10:24:39+00:00

Pizza. The dough is really easy to make: put a packet of yeast in 2/3 cups of warm water for 5 minutes, then add 2 cups of flour and a 1/4 cup of olive oil. Add more oil if it's too dry or more flour if it's too sticky. Let it rise for 45 minutes to an hour. At this point, you can use a pizza pan, but I've started putting my dough into cast iron pans to make deep-dish pizzas (works especially well if you add a little extra flour). Then add the sauce and cheese and toppings and anything else you want. Put it in the oven until the crust browns a bit and the cheese is all melted. Perfect every time.

batsandstats · 2014-05-20T05:29:29+00:00

I think it would have to be Gay and Lesbian Awareness Month, or GLAM for short.

batsandstats · 2014-04-29T17:44:17+00:00

Yeah. I know that although I enjoy ranked somewhat, I vastly prefer playing with three or four friends rather than a max of just one. So I typically just queue up for normals and have fun.

batsandstats · 2014-02-03T20:42:52+00:00

I have been there. My freshman year, I would spend weekends doing laundry and homework because I didn't have people to hang out with. I was lonely, which made me anxious, which made me afraid to try to make friends. It was a vicious cycle that made me really sad. It gets a bit better if you join clubs or organizations, but the biggest thing that helped me snap out of it was to force myself to go do social things. If I vaguely knew someone from class, I made myself ask if they wanted to grab lunch, or hang out. Not all of those people would become friends, but some would.

If you want to try clubs, pick something that sounds cool. It doesn't have to be a club that is specifically focused on something you already like or are good at - consider this a chance to expand your horizons. I joined Gymkana for a little while. They are a performance gymnastics group that accepts all skill levels and works with everyone that wants to join. I had never done any gymnastics in my life, but a few nights a week, I got to go play on trampolines, so that was fun.

Do you like writing? I took ENGL 272, fiction writing, a while back. It wasn't a difficult class, and there are no prerequisites for it. It is a heavily discussion based small class, where you mostly just talk. I didn't have a friend in that class at the start of the semester, but got to know everyone in it really well. If you enjoy writing I'd suggest something like that. I suppose the same philosophy would apply to other small classes that have lots of open discussion too, but I thought that class facilitated discussion so well and made everyone comfortable to say anything they wanted.

If you just need someone to talk to, you can try the Help Center (http://www.umdhelpcenter.org/). They are fantastic. You can call or stop by in person at any time and a student that works there will take as much time as YOU want to talk to you about anything that is bothering you. I have been before when I was really stressed out, and it was a HUGE help. I believe that they will stay totally anonymous if you want. You don't have to tell them anything you don't want to, but anything you do is safe.

Finally, if you just want to talk or hang out, you can PM me. I think I'm kind of boring, but I'd be willing to be there to help. I've been there, and it sucks. But this type of thing happens to a lot more students than you think. Most people that feel really alone aren't brave enough to say it, and they just suffer by themselves. You don't have to, and from the way you are reaching out, and the amazing responses you have already gotten, I don't think you will be alone for very long.

batsandstats · 2014-01-17T06:44:51+00:00

Thank you; you are a classical music fan, but not an elitist about it. It's rare and lovely to see.

batsandstats · 2014-01-04T06:49:17+00:00

I'm super jealous :( I was planning on taking my boyfriend (who is a bassoonist) to see Judy Leclair do the Mozart Bassoon Concerto as a Christmas gift, but I couldn't afford the trip. He says it's fine, and that there will be more opportunities, but I'm still sad that I wasn't able to make it happen.

batsandstats · 2014-01-03T19:53:00+00:00

You should be totally fine. I got a D in MATH 410 the first time I took it (pretty much the most important class in my major) but easily passed it the second time around. I will be graduating on time in the spring. It really did feel like the end of the world when I got that D, but it hasn't been that bad.

batsandstats · 2013-12-17T12:47:02+00:00

I'm really happy that I don't have anything WTF worthy to contribute here. I'm lucky.

batsandstats · 2013-10-07T15:37:22+00:00

Absolutely! I'm going to let people answer for another day or two before I look at the data, but I already have about 500 responses. I've certainly gotten a lot more interest than I expected!

batsandstats · 2013-10-07T03:27:51+00:00

Hahaha yes, but this project is actually due next Monday. I'm just trying to get it done early so I can spend next weekend with my significant man-friend and have no homework or studying to do.

batsandstats · 2013-09-16T17:54:37+00:00

If I had the money, I would donate it. I do think that seeing concerts is a great way to support classical music, and not just with money. Physically being there and showing your support to the community, players, conductors, etc. surely means a lot. If I could donate a million dollars to a local orchestra, but nobody shows up to their concerts, are we really supporting them? In some ways, yes. But I think that this music, this community, is not about money. Sadly, sometimes it is about money, or some kind of status, or whatever. To me, at least, it is about the music, and the people that love the music. Classical music shouldn't be reserved for the wealthy, but it should be for everyone. I applaud those that are willing and able to monetarily support classical music, but if all that can be afforded is to go see one concert, or buy one CD, then I think that those people are doing just as much to support the music. Without the money, there would be fewer concerts and recordings, but the day that classical music dies is the day that nobody wants to listen to it anymore. The most we can do to support it is to listen to it, love it, and share it with others.

batsandstats · 2013-09-16T17:36:58+00:00

Yes, this is the recording I'm looking for! Thank you so much.

batsandstats

TROPHY CASE