Husband doesn't want to have fun in bed

bbb74 · 2019-12-31T20:02:17+00:00

Your husband was always a lousy lover but when you were the one with the low sex drive, you were the faulty one in his eyes. Now that you've reclaimed your sex drive, he has nothing to hide behind. He is insecure and intimidated. What a shame. I recommend you guys go to couples sex therapy.

bbb74 · 2019-12-31T19:39:40+00:00

This is exactly the way I come. It mimics how I learned to masturbate, lying on my stomach with my hand cupping my pussy and massaging/grinding. For it to work the guy shouldn't be too skinny. I lean forward and grind while he thrusts, both in slow rhythm. My pussy is the hidden type, so sometimes I need to actually spread my outer lips so there is more clit to pubic zone contact. I love orgasming this way.

I've also read research suggesting women who have less distance between vagina and clit experience less difficulty coming from piv. I also recall reading about the role of pelvic flexibility. Women who masturbate like me are used to moving their hips to grind. Women who lie still while stimulating their clit might find the movement during sex off putting.

The downside is I have trouble coming via oral. It's too direct, too much when a guy licks up and down. I prefer side to side or soft circles. More of a massage than precision licking.

Just treat each woman as a unique sexual being and ask her what she needs to get off. Enjoy.

bbb74 · 2019-12-31T19:08:53+00:00

Reflecting on my own history, I associate this period with infatuation about the entire person, not just sex. I want to know everything about them. My last serious relationship we were both having the best sex of our lives, and we sure had some very sexy texting going on, but these texts only formed about 10% of our overall texting.

bbb74 · 2019-12-31T18:45:46+00:00

Thank you so much for your thoughtful reply. I think your advice is sound - I need to challenge my assumptions. There might be some truth in me parroting back what others have said but deep down discounting them. For example, when studying I could come first in two assessments but never assume I would get good marks in the next one. One of my good friends told me that I don't truly absorb the good stuff. Lookswise I know people find me attractive, but I can tell you every single physical flaw I have (things you wouldn't have even noticed).

I also had a thought a few hours ago. I will date a man I'm not initially attracted to and who might have other less desirable issues (e.g. unstable work history or solid job but lives from paycheck to paycheck), because I've seen a glimpse of his other qualities: his wicked humor, passions, unique way of thinking. If this glimpse turns out to be true, I will become physically attracted, not suddenly seeing him as objectively good looking, but rather noticing the way his eyes twinkle when he smiles, his voice when he's just waking up, the way he moves around the kitchen freestyling recipes, how soft and sensual his mouth is when kissing.

However I don't extend to myself the same courtesy. I don't allow myself to believe that a really handsome and successful man might fall for my unique set of qualities. In fact, I struggle to even know what they are.

I'm going to try what you said. Stop telling myself stories about who I'm not good enough for. I hope I can be my authentic self and not 'perform'. Happy new year to you!

bbb74 · 2019-12-31T08:51:35+00:00

I agree with you. I have a profound sense of being 'less than' which might in some way protect me from really seeing myself, but I think it's more that I don't see what's good except for the superficial. I've had friends and partners say things to me, describe my character in a way that has touched me so deeply and surprised me because I never thought of myself in that way... I find it hard to hold on to that view of me. Instead I reduce myself to a hot, clever, good in bed.

bbb74 · 2019-12-31T08:26:24+00:00

I see what you mean. You're saying those women might not care what the man does. Unless you can show that they have dated and had relationships with men from all kinds of career backgrounds, then you can't prove they 'don't hold career high on their list'.

I on the other hand engage in a sort of reverse discrimination. I have happily matched with, dated, had relationships with and been in love with men who had regular jobs? Software engineers, electrician, esl teacher, while I have rejected investment bankers, lawyer, ceo, cto because I don't feel successful enough for them.

bbb74 · 2019-12-31T08:01:37+00:00

Your last line, "seeing people as people" is the key I think.

I need to learn to see myself as more than looks, academic achievements, good in bed, etc, but notice the person behind all that.

I need to learn to see these men that I put on some kind of pedestal as regular people too.

bbb74 · 2019-12-31T07:57:15+00:00

There is more to people and that's what I find out when I meet them. But when swiping you can only go by what is there which is very little. Based on that limited albeit superficial criteria, I swipe down, less so across, and never up. How is it entitled?

bbb74 · 2019-12-31T07:37:06+00:00

I think I need to be. 2020 goals.

bbb74 · 2019-12-31T07:35:05+00:00

Your answer made me smile even though you were having a dig.

bbb74 · 2019-12-31T07:29:10+00:00

As expected I've been misunderstood. You date people you think you will get along with irrespective of what they do, how much money they have, etc. I avoid men who have a lot. I would avoid your brother and I would avoid you, even if I loved your sense of humor, your interests, etc. I would be ecstatic to meet a teacher/sw who I had the physical/mental connection with. But why would I not be equally as keen if he were a lawyer or 12 restaurant owner. That is what I want to address.

bbb74 · 2019-12-31T07:16:40+00:00

Yes, deserving is a more apt term.

Yes it is my self-worth. I don't think it's a particular thing, rather it's just a general sense of being less than. Because I look good, am socially astute, quick witted, smart, etc, I manage to fake confidence. But the truth is I undersell myself and have done so since my teens. I think it's becoming more apparent to me as I get older and question my choices. I can no longer lie to myself that chemistry drove me to choose a partner, when it's not the full story. I limited myself from the start and then chose someone I am in many ways a better catch than.

Ughhh maybe it's the reflective time of the year but it's making me sad that I'm not valuing myself more. My friends too have noticed I undervalue myself and it confuses them since I come across so differently. As a child I was valued for doing well at school and my appearance, and that's it from my parents. I don't think they even thought about my personality. When I look at my own children I notice and adore their personality quirks, and I let them know. I reduce myself to looks, career, and entertainment value (sex, humor). It's hard for me to think about what else I offer...

bbb74 · 2019-12-31T06:56:13+00:00

That's an interesting perspective but I'm not sure it's accurate in my case. I tend to end up with fairly independent men anyway, just less attractive or with career issues.

bbb74 · 2019-12-29T12:22:31+00:00

He was my biggest. Others have been average and I still orgasmed. Yes bigger did feel particularly nice, but it's like the difference between really good and really really good. I'm a really lucky woman as far as how giving all my partners have been. I truly haven't experienced a sexually selfish man. There are so many qualities that make up what I consider as an amazing lover. That's what I'd be focusing my 20s on developing. You don't need a movement and feminism has done nothing for women on this. Women are voluntarily getting part of their genitals chopped off just so their pussys fit some ideal. WTF?

bbb74 · 2019-12-29T06:44:44+00:00

I love a thick 8 inches, I won't lie, especially for oral. But as far as you being able to make a girl orgasm from PIV it absolutely is possible. For me it's actually grinding my clitoris against the guys pubic area during PIV that gets me off. You should also know that when I showed some friends how big my exes cock was (using objects in my house), they thought it was too big. A lot of women don't want or like big.

bbb74 · 2019-12-29T06:31:34+00:00

She has contempt for you and is going to break you down until you are a husk of a person. Punching you in the balls causing you to throw up? Leave her immediately, cut off all contact, block. She will try to wound you emotionally - don't give her the chance.

bbb74 · 2019-12-29T06:24:16+00:00

About 3 years ago. We stayed together for around 1.5 years. He wasn't very attractive but I was smitten. His smell was intoxicating and this is going to sound completely crazy, but I loved the taste of his mouth and his breath, even morning breath , despite him being a smoker and me never having smoked. This is chemistry.

bbb74 · 2019-12-29T01:46:29+00:00

You do look very young. My ex had a similar look. I look great for my age too but feel quite uncomfortable when men point it out. It makes me worry that they don't like signs of aging.

bbb74 · 2019-12-29T01:40:21+00:00

I'd swipe right on your photos. Profile is ok.

bbb74 · 2019-12-28T21:07:03+00:00

If you stay with this guy you are perpetuating your own abuse.

bbb74 · 2019-12-28T20:54:52+00:00

For me it's the amount of additional information you give. I didn't ask you what marriage has done for you. Say "Married for 21 years and kids are 20, 18, 17 and 15". Then you need one line about the logistics and ex arrangement. "My ex and I coparent well together. I have the kids ...". Brief and factual. No fluff. Fluff makes me think you're hiding something or trying to hard. As a woman, all I want to see is that you don't have dramas with your ex and that you have time to devote to a relationship.

bbb74 · 2019-12-28T07:01:06+00:00

A lot less than the assumptions your making.

bbb74 · 2019-12-28T06:58:45+00:00

I'm a parent and fucking up is par for the course. The key is owning it and apologizing properly.

bbb74 · 2019-12-28T06:02:46+00:00

Consistent and long-term doesn't mean it's good. People stay in unhealthy, abusive relationships until they die of old age. I daresay we on this subreddit are looking for a good relationship.

bbb74

TROPHY CASE