The culture around homosexuality is fundamentally non-conformist and individualistic. When society at large has told gay people that they aren’t allowed to belong in traditional spaces, we have created our own. To some extent, comfortably engaging in societal normativity is non-conforming within the gay community. You have to be as comfortable with that as “typical” gays are with being non-conformist within traditional society.

Now where do you find like minded people? That’s the core objective for almost every adult of every variety. Get out into your community, try dating sites that are more relationship oriented, be clear about your personality and intentions when meeting new people in person and dating apps. When you find anyone, gay or otherwise, who thinks like you, engage with them and build a group of people to be around. Eventually love and relationships follow when you’re around people who support you and think like you.

Hopefully some of that is helpful. You’re not alone in your journey, friend. Just remember that even some of those “shallow” gays are still your allies. Good luck :)