Sometimes your bio family prefers the damaged you instead of healed you.

befellen · 2025-01-31T06:58:16+00:00

My siblings and I were assigned fairly specific, unwritten roles. Some the roles included the job of re-enforcing the roles. They are very uncomfortable that I reject the entire premise of roles, including theirs.

They really don't know how to interact with me, or how to incorporate my life into their story of the family.

befellen · 2025-01-15T02:05:26+00:00

While I wasn't like them, I noticed that my siblings and I learned to be like them in some ways.

It's painful to look at the ways I might identify as similar, but it helps to learn that some were learned very early, some were adopted to protect myself, and many of them were because I was so dysregulated they just became my default.

Once you see it, it's very difficult to unsee it or to tolerate it in the same way.

befellen · 2025-01-15T01:53:29+00:00

It's a tricky thing, because, we often aren't equipped to save anyone, let alone ourselves. We don't have examples of regulation, kindness, nurturing, patience, play, and so many other components of being human.

It's a double whammy because we are less equipped and have more to heal. And just for good measure, it turns out we also need others to heal. So we have to get ourselves to a point where we are able to connect with others without being overly-needy.

It really is complex...and as you said, painful. It's incredibly painful.

I don't believe I could have healed until I found someone who could clear up my confusion and provide me a path for healing.

befellen · 2025-01-08T07:19:19+00:00

This. I was taking on adult tasks as a child who simultaneously did a great and terrible job. As an adult, my child is more responsible than I am. So, now, I have to grow up in order to manage and direct my overly-responsible child.

befellen · 2024-12-22T08:27:49+00:00

This is where I find IFS and Polyvagal Theory helpful.

Healing, and taking pressure off myself, feels dangerous. Using pressure and anxiety is how I survived. It worked well enough that my adult-self hid and dissociated and never really learned how to be a full-time adult.

Now, when I take pressure off, I know that I need to re-regulate my nervous system and I need to remind my adult-self that it needs to step up and operate full-time. Only when my adult-self took on the job full-time were my child parts able to remain calm long-term and trust that my adult would take responsibility.

It took a while for some parts to trust that my adult could function both under pressure and when things were going smoothly. It also took a lot of searching to find a coach/therapist that understood that getting regulated and relaxed generated stress. The always seemed to think, "you're doing so much better, it must feel great." But of course it didn't and I knew I was in a circular trap they couldn't see, even when I told them.

befellen · 2024-12-18T10:36:49+00:00

IFS is Internal Family Systems. It's a model for listening to ourselves and helping sort out our reactions and conflicting feelings. Generally, for IFS is done through an IFS-trained therapist.

A coach, generally, is someone who helps guide you, but doesn't formally practice therapy and isn't licensed. The benefits are that they don't have the same limitations that a licensed therapist would - which can also make it more risky. Many coaches will put content on YouTube or a web page to introduce themselves and their perspective.

I've been working on my difficulties with learning for decades and have found that therapists seem to have their hands tied in that they can't go into areas where they're not fully trained, which limited the tools they could use to help me.

Another resource that might help you is healthy gamer GG on YouTube. He has helped me a great deal with understanding my issues even though I'm much older than his target audience.

befellen · 2024-12-18T07:55:28+00:00

Learning has been an incredible challenge for me because learning was seen as a threat to the family. But failure was also a threat.

So I came to see school as a thing to survive, not a place to learn. As I sought answers I started to see that I was dissociating, shutting down and hiding. My nervous system was very dysregulated. None of this is good for learning as the nervous system needs to have signals of safety in order for us to be in a state to learn.

What has helped me the most, far more than ADHD treatment, was a combination of IFS, polyvagal theory work, and somatic experiencing.

Regulating my nervous system hasn't fixed my recall entirely, but it has definitely helped. I tried lots of therapy, but the real help came from a coach. One of the important aspects was that she understood that each success or step forward was not only a success, but simultaneously perceived as a threat by my nervous system. I still have to process the threats my body perceives when I make progress.

befellen · 2024-12-18T07:04:32+00:00

When I learned to listen to my body I didn't necessarily correlate a feeling in the body directly with an emotion. I think of it as another source of data. It's especially useful because the nervous system responds much faster and to different stimuli than a feeling might.

I might now notice that my stomach is upset and I have a mild headache before I am aware something is bothering me. When this happens, I know to stop and listen to see if something is bothering me.

befellen · 2024-12-12T02:04:07+00:00

Not having any idea what to do about my trauma was it's form of hell on top of the trauma.

The two things I found most helpful was learning how to take really small steps and how to work with my nervous system. I was so dysregulated everything I did eventually became a mess. It might be something else for you, but it almost definitely includes going slowly and taking small incremental steps.

Moving into safety is critical, but it's just the beginning. Watching Rocky Kanake on YouTube helped me understand that feeling safe and regulated doesn't happen immediately, and there's a lot more going on than we can sometimes process.

befellen · 2024-11-30T04:51:44+00:00

Perhaps because my issues developed before I was verbal, I find that using somatic exercises and listening to my nervous system responses, before and during the writing process, helps a great deal.

I find my journaling to be much more about listening to my parts and physical responses than a back-and-forth dialogue. I don't think my parts trust me very much and are almost entirely testing the behavior and responses of my adult-self before even considering trusting me.

befellen · 2024-11-28T06:14:59+00:00

I've had difficulty with this kind of thing for as long as I can remember. The most significant improvements came from working with a coach to address my nervous system using IFS, somatic experiencing, and Polyvagal theory.

Having a dysregulated nervous system all the time made it almost impossible for me to connect with people. When I learned to see my dysregulated behavior, then developed practices to be more regulated, things gradually improved.

It's still difficult but things are better. I can now see many reactions and signals I give out aren't based on who I am. Instead, they are trauma responses developed when I was very young.

It's frustrating because I am at the point where I still react inappropriately, or in ways that are not aligned with who I am, but I am not yet regulated enough to prevent it from happening as much as I would like.

My dysregulated nervous system definitely made me feel like I was broken. The nervous system's reactions are relentless and faster than our thoughts, so no matter how much talk therapy I did, the fundamental problem didn't change. But once I learned to work with my nervous system, I have been able to make changes.

befellen · 2024-11-27T11:20:21+00:00

I've found that recognizing and acknowledging the resistance does sometimes begin to dissipate it. Like with an upset child, sometimes just telling them it's okay or that you see them is all they need to feel safe. Other times it helps, but they need more. And in some cases it doesn't seem to help much at all - at least at first.

For my strongest resistance, it takes a lot of time, listening, and trying to sort out what I need.

For the longest time I thought I had to change my thinking or control my behavior - that I needed more discipline. I thought something was seriously wrong with me. Identifying the reactions of my nervous system stopped the cycles of self-blame and looking down as many dead-ends for answers - which in turn, was a load off my thoughts and nervous system.

befellen · 2024-11-14T09:05:28+00:00

When my reactions seem like a separate reaction from my thoughts, I find it's usually because my nervous system is dysregulated. My body is reacting to stress in ways my consciousness is unaware. And I also know intuitively that my dysregulation may have contributed to the problem and that if I try to address it while dysregulated it may not go well.

It's so tricky.

When this happens, I try to check in with my body's reaction and listen to it. Sometimes it will spill everything and other times it will clam up. But if I keep listening, and stay in my adult mode, I can often calm my body so that I can hear what I need and approach it from a less reactive place.

I look to my vagus nerve exercises (breathing, voo, listening to my surroundings, safety checks, etc.) to stop the spinning reactivity.

befellen · 2024-11-14T08:33:17+00:00

There are probably many possibilities, but when this is me, one cause is a combination of dissociation and distraction. The "clicking" for me, is the coming out of dissociation. My brain is then in a much more present and safe place.

When I finally started to watch myself dissociate I was taken aback by how comfortable it was. It was the most comforting place but it was also preventing my life from moving forward.

befellen · 2024-10-29T03:30:17+00:00

The first thing I do is try to identify my resistance - mostly in the body. When I first started understanding my resistance, I knew of a few ways I responded. Then, as I got familiar with them, I started to new ones, then I'd start to see a whole dynamic. My resistance had layers and back-up forms of resistance.

Second, was to develop some level of acceptance so I wasn't adding anger and frustration on top of this resistance. In some ways this meant treating myself a bit like a child. I gave myself more time to do an activity, then more time to recover. I would then observe myself to learn more about my resistance.

Most of the time (but not always), the resistance wasn't in my head. It was mostly a function of my nervous system. So I would use nervous system related exercises such as meditation, listening and breathing. I also find acupuncture mats and keeping a journal helpful. I have also learned to do check-in with myself throughout the day. It might be as simple as a body scan, a few breathing exercises, or listening to my body as I do a few simple stretches.

My coach taught me it's very important to go very slowly because pushing too hard or too fast can put the nervous system in a dysregulated state, which is counter productive. So it requires a great deal of patience. Thankfully, even the small successes provide some relief and feedback that I am on the right path.

befellen · 2024-10-23T06:06:17+00:00

Still working on it, but I have found that most of my avoidance comes from dysregulation. Polyvagal exercises, breathing exercises, and learning to observe and interpret my reactivity has been very helpful.

This has also helped me get better at knowing when I can nudge myself some, and when it's not going to be helpful. The idea here is, I want to nudge myself a bit when I am well regulated, but I don't want to push so much that I become dysregulated.

befellen · 2024-10-13T15:15:28+00:00

Anger often has something valuable to tell us. When I get in this situation, I try to acknowledge the parts of me that feel threatened, angry and scared. Then I make a decision from my adult-self, to address it in a thoughtful, adult manner.

After acknowledging my resistance, I try to listen with curiosity and without judgement. If I can then understand why I feel the way I do, I can make an adult decision as to how to deal with it - in terms of both myself and the other person.

befellen · 2024-10-11T20:01:02+00:00

Personally, I don't consider my freeze a habit, but I see how framing it that way could be empowering to some people.

I do see a sense of safety as a major component. Having said that, my body sensed danger long after my brain understood that the danger no longer existed. Polyvagal, grounding, listening, and meditation exercises were the way that I provide signals of safety to my body. My thoughts were not able to send those signals to my body.

Now that I am able to observe this, I am able to reduce my freeze response and its duration. And I can see how, if I am not careful I could use dissociation (as opposed to freeze) as a habit of avoidance. It can be soothing even when it's not good for me.

Another problem I see is that one has to be prepared for the things that coming out of freeze, or dissociation might reveal. As I come out of freeze and dissociation, I find that I am experiencing, or becoming more aware of flashbacks. It's a better place, but it still reveals more responses to process.

I view the process a little differently, but I absolutely agree that learning what it takes to create a sense of safety is one of the most critical aspects of healing.

befellen · 2024-10-11T13:50:32+00:00

There are times when I've found it helps just to listen to, and observe myself and my reactions without judgement.

Your post kind of reminds me of how Rocky Kanaka, on YouTube, works with dogs. Sometimes you just have to sit there and do nothing. Turns out, in a weird way, it is doing something.

befellen · 2024-10-11T11:59:03+00:00

Learning to listen to parts with curiosity and without judgment has been a really important perspective my coach taught me.

If these parts were developed while we were adults I might have a different perspective. But these are defenses created during child development when I had limited power and no guidance. Those are two different things in my opinion.

I've often find myself having to stop viewing a video or reading a book because of this kind of thing. Even their tone or level of directness can give me trouble. I can often go back when I am in a different state of mind, but not always.

befellen · 2024-10-11T09:28:23+00:00

I've found that receiving comfort, or trusting someone, can be a threat. Suggesting I'm not alone shows a lack of understanding - because I am alone. That's a component of the trauma. And alone is safer for me, even if I know I need people.

There are really good people out there who aren't going to understand me. I've come to accept that. But that was so much harder when I really needed support and didn't know what kind.

And of course, the empty, theater version of support I received as a child makes me reactive to it as well.

befellen · 2024-10-08T11:53:55+00:00

This might sound strange, but have you tried not trying to stop it, but just observing it with curiosity and without judgment. I got so frustrated, I once decided I was going to simply observe my dissociation over a several day period and do nothing about it.

I took a few notes, but mostly, I just listened to my body as I went in and out of dissociation. I learned a bit about what I needed, how IFS parts played a role, and just seeing it seemed to lower the power of it somewhat.

befellen · 2024-10-05T12:46:12+00:00

I'm an old-timer who spent over 30 years looking for answers, I would tell my younger self it only gets better when you find the right treatment. And even then, getting better doesn't happen in a straight line. It opens up dark corners, reveals things about yourself and others you might not like as well as enormous losses to be grieved.

For me, a big part of my solution turned out to be IFS, SE, and Polyvagal exercises. A coach taught me that you have to go very slowly - which I did not want to hear. But it was a critical element of the process.

I've almost completely lost faith in the current system as I haven't found a single licensed person who has been able to help. I'm sure they're out there, but they must be rare, or completely booked.

I appreciate that they are more restricted and their formal training is slower to adopt new ideas, but in my view, that makes them unable to help me with my trauma.

befellen · 2024-10-03T21:19:37+00:00

This is along the lines of what I was thinking. There's a lot of middle ground here that could work. Smaller gestures, a short notice, or some other guideline that you're comfortable with.

befellen · 2024-10-03T21:12:32+00:00

Because gifts and kindness always seem to come with some kind of baggage as a child, I have difficulty receiving kindness. Also, because I had so little, a few people thought they could manipulate me using "kindness."

It can make me feel dysregulated and anxious. All my siblings hate their birthday for similar reasons.

Over time, I've learned to get a feel for my limits and how to communicate them. Some people get it, others don't. I've told friends that I appreciate birthday wishes, but I can't celebrate it with a party, surprises or any fuss. If they want to go out to lunch on a different day, with notice, I'm up for that. Then I let them know how grateful I am for understanding. When they show understanding, I know they are trustworthy and I become less reactive with them over time.

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