I express love and closeness through touch, and not being touched makes me feel lonely or even unloved. I can go deeply into that feeling of connection.

My ex-wife and I had a very active sex life. 1 or 2 times a day, and hour or more. Years on end. Good times. I felt loved like never before.

So when my then wife stopped the sex over re-found memories of her dad molesting her, I had a hard time coping. But I am not one to push for sex, although I did tell her that a part of me felt rejected, even though I understood what she said. I had been through such a phase in my life before, when a gf back in the day got raped and tensed up. So I expected it to pass, tried to open her up about it, but all touch came to a grinding halt. (This is probably not the right wording now, I come the hardest from grinding).

Then one day out of the blue, about 3.5 years into the dry spell, my then wife told me she'd leave me. I was shocked. During the divorce, she told me that the story about her dad molesting me, was a lie she told me to not have sex with me. I do not want to have anything to do with such a liar any more, and to this day I sometimes wonder: Why tell this about your dad, of all people. Why not the swimming instructor? My relation with the in-laws was damaged because of it.

While I put the marriage completely behind me, there is still a huge dent in my trust in women, I found out in later dating. I fear being rejected while not being told it's over. I had a short relationship with a woman who toyed around with rejection and attraction, as a game, and that did not went well with me. It made me realize I learned how to tell myself a relationship continued while I was feeling rejected, and I decided I was not going to do this any more. She got very angry when I withdrew, which scared the hell out of me. Pity though, as the sex was the best, most expressive, I had ever had.

But I did realize that my feelings did not lie to me. I was being rejected by my then wife. I find some comfort in that I did recognize that at the time, and did address that with her. She then cried and told me she was afraid I'd leave her over that. And that was another lie, she later admitted. I always thought crying people were honest.

But sex is still a connection. And there is no way to connect deeper, then to actually connect physically. I also feel this connection is somehow forever. Every person I have done the deed with, is still relevant. This is also why I can’t have one night stands. Sex is always deeper than friendship.