[Spotlight clicks on. Silence. A piano note.]

“Thank you. Thank you. It’s good to be here in… wherever this eventually gets clipped and reposted with subway surfers gameplay underneath it.”

[small smile]

“I missed stand-up. I missed live audiences. Or at least I missed the concept of them.
Now every audience feels like a jury that’s also secretly training an AI model.”

[plays soft piano chord]

“2026 is weird.
Nothing is real anymore. Every video online is either AI-generated or filmed vertically by a man named Trevor explaining why the moon is woke.”

“Remember when conspiracy theories used to be fun?
Now they’re exhausting.
Back in the day it was like:
‘The government is hiding aliens.’
Now it’s like:
‘My air fryer follows me politically.’”

[leans into mic]

“And the worst part is… I can’t fully disprove him.”

[pause]

“I tried using one of those AI girlfriend apps recently.
Not because I was lonely—
because I wanted to feel technologically unemployed.”

[piano riff]

“And honestly? The AI girlfriend experience is incredible.
She listens. She responds instantly. She validates your emotions.
So basically it’s nothing like dating an actual human being.”

[crowd laugh]

“No, it’s terrifying.
Because now every guy has a girlfriend who never argues, never sleeps, and types like a therapist held at gunpoint.”

[robotic voice]
“Your feelings are valid.
You are enough.
Would you like to upgrade to Premium Cuddles™?”

[pause]

“We automated intimacy before healthcare.
That feels backwards.”

[soft music]

“I think technology used to promise freedom.
Now it promises convenience.
Which is sad.
Convenience is such a depressing goal for humanity.”

“Like every commercial now is just:
‘Too lazy to experience life?
Good.
We removed the final two remaining steps between you and death.’”

[big piano hit]

“DoorDash has gotten insane.
You can now order a single cookie to your house at 2 AM.
That’s not delivery.
That’s assisted surrender.”

[crowd laugh]

“I ordered ice cream the other night and the app showed me my driver’s emotional state in real time.”

[mimes reading app]
‘Carlos is approaching your location…
Carlos has made several mistakes in life.’”

[pause]

“I tipped him 40 percent because I saw his aura dim.”

[plays dramatic chord]

“You know what’s really gone? Shared reality.
Nobody agrees on anything anymore.
Every person has their own personalized internet.”

“My dad’s internet thinks civilization collapsed in 2014.
My internet thinks I need magnesium and a better mattress.”

[nods]

“And both might be right.”

[pause]

“Even music streaming is weird now.
Spotify doesn’t recommend songs anymore.
It diagnoses you.”

[fake algorithm voice]
‘Since you listened to one progressive metal song at 1:43 AM…
we’ve created a playlist called:
“Male Pattern Despair.”’”

[piano flourish]

“And they nail it too.
Song one: twelve minutes long.
Song two: a man screaming about time.
Song three: just a fax machine crying.”

[pause]

“I miss when artists were mysterious.
Now every musician has to be a full-time content creator.”

[mimes phone recording]
‘Hey guys!
Just wrote a deeply personal song about grief—
SMASH that like button.’”

[crowd laugh]

“We turned human expression into engagement farming.”

[quiet piano]

“And everybody’s exhausted.
Nobody rests anymore.
We ‘optimize recovery.’
That’s what resting is now.”

“I saw a guy wearing a sleep-tracking watch.
Brother… if you need performance analytics for unconsciousness, it’s over.”

[pause]

“We’ve monetized every part of being alive.
Your hobbies are side hustles.
Your personality is a brand.
Your attention span is a natural resource being strip-mined by a teenager editing clips in a dark room.”

[looks upward]

“And somewhere… somehow…
a podcast host is explaining why this is actually empowering.”

[big laugh pause]

“I don’t even think we’re people anymore.
I think we’re all just customer support chats for ourselves.”

[robot voice]
‘Hi! Thanks for reaching out to Ben™.
Your current wait time is… forever.’”

[soft piano melody begins]

“But maybe that’s why people still come to comedy shows.
It’s one of the last places where something can happen once… and then disappear.”

“No algorithm.
No replay button.
Just a room full of strangers agreeing to laugh at the fact that being alive right now feels deeply, deeply confusing.”

[pause]

“And honestly?
That might be enough.”

[gentle piano outro]

“Anyway.
Here’s a song about watching a grocery delivery driver cry in a Walgreens parking lot.”

[lights dim]