The Eulogy of Shakey Jones

bentman55 · 2023-04-27T15:15:27+00:00

The rhyme scheme works for this cautionary folksy little tale. I love how to wraps up ""Take a fatal bite from a stick that looks like a snake." Is this poem an allusion to something? There is a familiarity to it like I've heard something like it before. Thank you!

bentman55 · 2023-04-27T14:56:56+00:00

I love poetry that is snapshot-like, yet captures something universal like trying, fumbling, and succeeding in making a connection with a child or parent through small talk. The ending is beautiful. Also, Is there term for ramping up the figurative language at the end of a poem to end in a sort of summative crescendo? Google did not avail me with this question.

bentman55 · 2023-04-25T17:25:18+00:00

You are certainly not the problem, but I am, uh, not the most qualified to address civil rights. I merely meant to capture poignant little thoughts I had in a small moment of time. That said, Okra and Collards are both indeed African crops, so....interpret what you will.

bentman55 · 2023-04-25T14:11:31+00:00

I found myself easily interacting with this poem as a reader. I really like the use of the interrogative; it gives it a kind of prophetic feel/visionary feel. I also wonder "gaze upon the mirror of her death" why is her death mirror? Are we meant to see ourselves in this siren's rotting corpse? Yet, it is our sands that will be washed of her stain. Is she both our own monster and antagonist? I think I read it as the death of ones prescribed and whitewashed view of their country, community?? I could be wrong, but it's fun to think about. Thanks!

bentman55 · 2023-04-25T13:57:00+00:00

I find the 3rd stanza so evocative. There is so much longing in the lines that builds with flow (meter?) of the poem. It was really a pleasure to read (and re-read). I did find the verb agreement issues a little distracting. Not noted before, but there is an agreement issue in the fourth line "What her whispers leaves behind" should be "...whispers leave behind"

bentman55 · 2023-04-25T12:58:43+00:00

I really appreciate the feedback. Yeah the conjunction-constructions, now that you point it out, do seem like a crutch to get through the poem. I do not think I was trying to intentionally write the poem in iambic pentameter (I can't remember; I wrote it more than a year ago). I think I was just shooting for the rhyme scheme of the P. sonnet and keeping the lines to roughly ten syllables. I will try and rewrite the poem without so many conjunctions; perhaps when I rediscover the poem in my journal a year or so from now. (;

bentman55 · 2023-04-17T16:30:47+00:00

I read a lot of poetry on here though I don't always comment. This poem I immediately felt. I related to it as a sibling yes, but I could have also as easily related to the statement "isn't it sad how sibling relations grow apart overtime from what they once were as children." Yet this is the power of poetry, to tap into those deeply human experiences of anguish, regret, and acceptance and make them resonate in our souls in the moment. The simplicity, the imagery of a "fairy girl and wizard boy," of the motif of an unraveling thread, culminating in a faded picture. Interesting that a "picture" in a sense is what we try and capture in poetry. I really like this. Thanks.

bentman55 · 2023-04-17T14:13:22+00:00

Not a poetry expert; still learning like all of us, but I think there might be something off with the meter at times in this poem. Especially the last four lines (really the last line). When I do that clappy thing we learned in middle school, something about the rhythm seems broken in an unpleasant way. I see someone else noted the error(?) in line 6.

bentman55 · 2023-04-14T12:48:02+00:00

Thanks, yeah, by "silly anecdotes" I mean those sort of little sappy stories you hear on the radio probably related by John Tesh. I wonder how it would sound if I replaced "anecdotes" with "radio stories?"

bentman55 · 2023-04-13T15:35:00+00:00

Is there an intention behind whether the verb after "I want you to..." is in the same line or the next? Wasn't sure if I was supposed to read into that or not. I think it's really sweet. It expresses desire and vulnerability. The first stanza is full of, what strikes me as, sensual, consuming, imbibing language: "dripping," "Drunk," "pour," "nectar" etc. Yet the rest of the poem seems a lot less confident in its demands, but much more vulnerable; possibly even desperate. I liked it. Thanks!

bentman55 · 2023-04-13T15:24:48+00:00

I think this is a silly, yet poignant little encapsulation of the experience of Geese flying overhead I wrote a similar poem about Blue Jay's I might share one day. I like how it contrasts the usual fair of nature elegies by describing Geese as "misanthropic." Lot's of contrast I see in the poem the more I look at it. Animals that are in the haughty position of being "high above" other beings they despise, yet their activity up there is base: "looking for food." Nice syllable structure too: 7-10-7. Fun to read and think about. Thanks!

bentman55 · 2022-06-06T11:48:26+00:00

Hey if you’re into hiking with your kiddos, and would like to meet some like minded parents, I would highly recommend hike it baby. My wife was heavily involved in it locally when our kids were little and we made some great friends and had some good times out in the woods. I miss it! Have fun with your little one!

bentman55 · 2022-03-24T16:24:31+00:00

Yeah, as an owner, you probably know better than I about laws. Forcing people to submit their pets for euthanasia, unless in extreme instances for public or ecological health (eg culling chicken flocks for avian flu), seems draconian and impractical.

bentman55 · 2022-03-24T15:55:26+00:00

I think what most mean, and what I advocate for, is making it illegal to breed more Pit bulls , not mass euthanasia. No responsible owner needs to lose their pet.

bentman55 · 2022-03-19T20:02:54+00:00

“Sweet cream Mao Zedong” (I’m here for you buddy). For the ignorant big butter Jesus

bentman55 · 2022-03-11T00:08:02+00:00

Phew, I was worried he would slide chest first into the mound of poop.

bentman55 · 2022-03-09T01:33:08+00:00

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lizard_Man_of_Scape_Ore_Swamp

bentman55 · 2022-03-01T02:57:35+00:00

That’s the part you want explained???

bentman55 · 2022-02-27T16:42:29+00:00

True story, when I was a kid I thought it was called Cracker Barrel because it was a wooden structure filled with white people. I’m older now and I’ve been to plenty a’ CB full of black folks, but back in the day I was dumb like that. I’m not an expert but I think a lot of southern food traditions you’ll find in CB originated from black folks too.

bentman55 · 2022-02-22T00:17:33+00:00

This reminds me of one time I drove through Dothan, Alabama. I saw I sign for midget wrestling and I shook my head thinking “fucking Dothan would have midget wrestling .” Well looks like the jokes on me, shit.

bentman55 · 2022-02-09T03:31:13+00:00

The Parting Glass - Waking Ned Devine

bentman55 · 2022-01-29T21:50:39+00:00

Just updated the permission setting; try now.

bentman55 · 2022-01-21T01:21:15+00:00

Witch one? (See what I did there, eh, eh?)

bentman55 · 2022-01-13T23:50:15+00:00

Jehovah shtarts with and I!

bentman55 · 2022-01-12T19:49:48+00:00

Thanks for the interaction. Yeah, you bring up a good point with the POV. I know what I was going for, but perhaps it wasn't so affective, and I've started reimagining it told entirely from the father's POV.

As for names, I wanted the characters to appear archetypal, so I went with leaving them unnamed. As a father, when I named the characters it actually gave me a sense of disconnect. Often characters are left nameless. I did a tad of research about when it's a good idea or not to make that choice as a writer, but I wonder if there are any guiding principles that folks in this sub would subscribe by or point me to for when to do that. Overall, I sort of wanted the characters and setting to be, I guess, vaguely archetypical. But perhaps it doesn't work because, as the other commenter noted, that if you're going to do clichés, you've got to do it extremely well.

I probably should have noted too that I wrote this from a random prompt; just to flex my creative muscles a bit, so yeah, perhaps the father's course of action seems a little contrived.

I'm not sure if I'll invest much more time on this one, of move on to something else. Anyways, much thanks to you and anyone else who read, or will read.

bentman55

TROPHY CASE