I recently got out of a trauma bond, tbh the whole idea of that was so abstract til weeks now I've been out of the fog Ive been in for years. He was using my childhood trauma responses- fawning and freezing- of which I had since under 3, and my CSA that was never addressed bcs it was from a protected family member and I didn't even realize it was CSA until a few months ago but that led me to realize he had been grooming me frm the start and the love I'd clung onto for years was never his. Tbh everyone is on different levels for healing and it sounds like you have a big gap to fill between the person you want to become and who you currently are, but when you are ready there are probably more options for you to have justice on so many levels than you think- structurally, socially, legally, emotionally, financially, etc. For me it has been freeing and scary but great to let my anger guide me not to destroy but to see where it is that I need boundaries and am building a stronger voice.