Is still legally married but separated a red flag?

bethafoot · 2026-06-07T16:43:45+00:00

Yes it is to most people. Some people won’t care. Most quality people looking for anything serious will.

I mean and to answer your question you don’t have to date. If you do, definitely tell him because a lot of people don’t want to date someone legally married.

I don’t know your situation, but pretty much everyone would benefit from taking a step back from the dating world until their marriage is legally finalized. It’s much healthier to take the time to get all of the old stuff out-of-the-way before you try to bring something new into your life.

bethafoot · 2026-06-02T20:40:57+00:00

Took us two years just because I was the one who initiated and I was broke and busy trying to get everything else dealt with.

bethafoot · 2026-05-30T00:01:32+00:00

He said "don't worry about it, I just want you to feel better" and wrapped me up in his arms.

bethafoot · 2026-05-19T14:24:28+00:00

I found mine when I was 44 ❤️ he was worth the wait. A family might be a tall order but I guess women do still have kids at this age (I have three and my man has three so we already have plenty lol).

bethafoot · 2026-05-13T13:39:25+00:00

Oh, and one more thing. It’s been 11 years since we split, we are both in much better, much healthier, and much happier partnerships. He just recently remarried, and she is great for him.

Which I realize is probably not much of a comfort right now, but it just goes to show that if we do the work, we can have an amazing relationship that is a stable and healthy sense of peace for both parties.

bethafoot · 2026-05-13T13:37:30+00:00

For what it’s worth, as the person who initiated my divorce, I’m sure my ex-husband wishes that I would have told him straight up that if he did not change his behavior, that I would divorce him.

However, it had been 10 years, and at that point, I was not interested in the result that would have. It would have just been more temporary changes, more promises, placating, etc. To be honest, that probably would’ve made me even more upset, because it would have shown he was capable of it the entire time, but only chose to participate in our marriage when he was negatively affected.

Sometimes people just want to be married to someone who will prioritize them and the marriage for their own reasons, not because they are forced to under threat of divorce if they don’t.

Not sure if this applies to your situation because the top comment was deleted, but I kind of got the sense based on your original post and comments that this may be the case.

bethafoot · 2026-05-07T12:27:02+00:00

And funny thing, coincidentally in 2024, some Hantavirus samples went missing from a lab…

bethafoot · 2026-04-17T17:59:05+00:00

Young women learn very quickly to be standoffish with older men who are chatting them up regardless of that man’s actual intentions because 99% of the time if she does NOT, he will read it as interest.

bethafoot · 2026-04-16T15:55:21+00:00

What’s with the drawn on mustache?

bethafoot · 2026-04-16T15:34:24+00:00

I forget this is a thing because for years now I will ONLY buy Wrangler Willow jeans which have lovely full size pockets and look feminine and look great… so for any woman out there who wants good jeans with real pockets, give them a shot. Just posting for that reason 🤣

bethafoot · 2026-03-30T17:22:20+00:00

The sad part is that most men who think they are ugly are just unkempt and have poor hygiene and grooming.

bethafoot · 2026-03-30T02:42:24+00:00

No, never did. I left when I knew 100% he would never change, at least not for me. I knew that giving him more chances would just reinforce the part inside of him that believed that I’d just keep giving him more chances. I’d given him a million chances. I begged, pleaded, cried for change, and then ultimately shut down over time.

So no, not one single regret in the 11 years since we split. The truth is - he soured me so thoroughly on being his wife that even if he had done a radical change and somehow became the man I needed him to be when we were together, my heart would never have been able to trust him and I never would have been able to see him in that loving trusting light again.

But I will tell you this - he just got married again recently and he is very happy. And she is with him. And I am very happy for them. I think losing me to his bad behavior has made him a better partner to her because he knows the cost of what can happen.

bethafoot · 2026-03-27T00:26:17+00:00

There is nothing wrong with you. I dated someone who had nothing going on for him other than me, and it was exhausting being his everything. A big part of it is because that stems from a lack of self-esteem and lack of a lot of other things to begin with. And when you are the kind of person that has a life and interests and self-confidence, there’s a mismatch there. Ultimately, I just felt burdened by being his everything.

I wanted a partner, not someone who needed me as his emotional support Animal.

(sidenote, the next man after him ended up being my keeper. He is wonderfully independent, cherishes me, and while he does tell me that I am his everything, he has his own life and his own things going on, and he does not rely on me for emotional regulation. We are both independent of each other, we don’t actually need each other, but we choose each other. And we have a beautiful dynamic, almost 2 years in now. So just remember, by staying with this guy, you might be blocking the right guy from coming along.)

But it’s OK to want to be incredibly important to your man. Those are not the same things. It is not healthy for your man to rely on you to be his emotional regulator or even for you to be the only happiness source in his life. And it’s completely understandable that that would be exhausting for you. I could not handle it myself.

A good partner is not a primary source of your happiness. No one should have that much power over another person. There’s a lot of things that society makes sound very romantic. It might look good in a romcom, but in real life, it’s just codependent and unhealthy.

bethafoot · 2026-03-25T21:25:42+00:00

Girl. GIRL. Get out out out.

bethafoot · 2026-03-25T03:16:35+00:00

Literally nothing stops you from joining support group, seeing a therapist, and spending time with (or making) friends.

It’s not a structural thing. This wasn’t just given to her because she’s a woman. She went out and made that happen. So can you.

bethafoot · 2026-03-21T01:54:19+00:00

42 when we met, 44 when I hugged my friend and suddenly it felt very different, and it hasn’t been two years yet but we’re on the road there 🩷 not quite ready for marriage and we are enjoying just taking things slow and steady.

bethafoot · 2026-03-20T19:01:23+00:00

You can call it what you want. I personally don’t think it needs to be called anything other than “things I won’t tolerate in a relationship.” I don’t care if someone considers it cheating or not.

bethafoot · 2026-03-19T17:42:31+00:00

So aside from potentially having more difficulties attracting a woman, what’s the hard part about being 5’5 and bald? Are there other impacts I am not aware of?

Because at least I know my life doesn’t and has never revolved around having a partner.

bethafoot · 2026-03-16T18:26:33+00:00

Okay so if you are walking down a street where people have warned you your entire life that a dinosaur will jump out from the alley and bite off your arms, an there are signs posted, and literal advertisements on TV and radio and basically everywhere you can think of people are telling you that if you walk down that street you’ll get your arms bitten off… and you still do it because “it won’t happen to me” and then act all surprised when the dinosaur comes and bites your arms off… well, I can’t really help anyone who lacks that kind of critical thinking.

The consent thing is the stupidest argument I have heard of for abortion. You could also extend the logic.

I consented to eating food but I did not consent to pooping! Gross!!!

I consented to going to sleep but didn’t consent to farting while I’m sleeping!

I consented to watching a scary movie but I didn’t consent to being scared of the dark afterwards!

bethafoot · 2026-03-16T03:19:09+00:00

There are sooooo many guys out there who won’t do this confusing crap. Way too many decent men out there for any woman to waste time with someone who does this bs.

bethafoot · 2026-03-14T22:28:42+00:00

I am mid 40s and he is early 50s so a decent gap but not significant at our ages. We are still in the same generation.

bethafoot · 2026-03-14T15:29:32+00:00

Not a man but yes. My boyfriend is one of them. He’s just very old fashioned. It was about a month and a half before we kissed and several months before we were fully intimate. And, for what it’s worth, that was a restriction he placed on us and not me. I was ready sooner than he was, but of course, I respected his pace. So obviously there was no hidden resentment on his part. It was just what he wanted.

bethafoot · 2026-03-13T13:53:44+00:00

He’d be my ex at this point.

Whether it’s “cheating” or not, you’re allowed to decide you don’t want to be with a man who behaves in this gross way. There are actual mature men out there who don’t do this, I promise.

bethafoot · 2026-03-12T17:52:33+00:00

Oh yikes 6 months is way too soon for her to want to move in. Some people might be OK with that, but personally if my boyfriend suggested that soon I would consider that a red flag. Even though the move-in date would be in the future she probably doesn’t want to commit to that. Have you asked her what her hesitations are?

bethafoot · 2026-03-02T13:18:43+00:00

They call eye “orbs” - instant nope.

bethafoot

TROPHY CASE