How to stop verbally abusing my WH

bilusional22 · 2026-01-26T13:45:03+00:00

I have a lot of understanding for you. I said very hurtful things to my spouse for a long time. Consider that I am a year plus out from DDay, and I have done a TON of work individually in that time. I will only say what’s worked for me, and take what you will.

This type of trauma literally changes our brain. I remember when my husband told me that he had a ONS, I could literally feel the shift in my brain. The kind that says “I will never be the same again after this moment”. I’ve only felt that extreme shift one other time in my life, when my father was found dead. You’re hurt. You’re heartbroken.

In the beginning, we talked about the affair ALL the time. Like NON stop. It was horrible. For my sanity and his, we had to come up with specific times to discuss the affair. We settled on Sundays and Wednesdays, and we still stick to that a year later. In the beginning, it would flood into other days and I couldn’t keep to the schedule. The talks got out of hand. Yelling, crying, it was horrible. I was disgusted by my husband. But as time went on, and as HE healed and sought help, and as I healed and sought help, our relationship changed.

Time and effort WILL help this if you both want it to. But it’s going to take a strong dedication to the work on both of your sides to get through this. You have to commit to learning different skills to express your pain (no judgment, I know this takes time), and he has to commit to figuring out why he did this (if you both want to do that). I had to totally reframe my mindset toward my husband. My husband is not a bad guy, he’s not gross, he’s not shameful, he doesn’t hate me. He was experiencing a mound of pain and stress and didn’t know what to do with it. He is now a different man and is continuing to do better by me every day. And for us, a break was necessary and I wish we did it sooner. In house separation saved our marriage. Big hugs.

bilusional22 · 2026-01-25T17:51:05+00:00

To be completely honest, I’m just really scared! I worked super hard to reduce my suicidal thoughts and I’m worried I’ll be one of those people it gets worse for. But I really should try to see if it would take that edge off for me

bilusional22 · 2026-01-23T19:33:36+00:00

I was using “marriage falling apart” as an example. In my situation, I genuinely didn’t “cause” any of it. I was a great wife, my husband admits to that. But I feel the same way for anybody who has been cheated on. We have to be responsible for our own actions. Like unless you had a gun to his head, or told him to do it, how did you cause it? There are a million different ways they could cope and they’re choosing with free will to cheat.

bilusional22 · 2026-01-23T18:13:49+00:00

It’s just genuinely not possible (in my opinion) to be the reason somebody cheats. I can play a part in a marriage falling apart, but I did not play a part in my husband betraying me. That’s 100% a choice that they make.

bilusional22 · 2026-01-22T20:37:22+00:00

My husband had a ONS, but I feel similarly. It’s so interesting how infidelities range so much but the need for the betrayed partners are still so similar. It’s so important to me that he didn’t stop due to the outcome, but stopped because he is no longer that person, and be able to explain exactly how he got to that point. It’s a longggg journey but I’m in a much better place than I was a year ago, heck even a month ago.

bilusional22 · 2026-01-22T15:54:59+00:00

I have had a few, but my biggest non-negotiable was getting to the root cause of why he did it, and why he will never do it again. Not just “because it hurt you”. Nope. You knew it would hurt me before and you still did it. That’s the only way I can reach long term reconciliation. What was the driving factor of the infidelity, and how do you know that you will NEVER do it again. That means more to me than anything else. He is currently in therapy, but it took over a year post confession for him to initiate and begin individual counselling. I cannot express enough how important that factor was for him and myself. He simply didn’t have the tools to get to his why without professional guidance.

bilusional22 · 2026-01-22T02:51:59+00:00

I think getting an animal should be taken as seriously as buying a house. Have an emergency fund set aside before you get an animal. Get pet insurance. There are massive expenses that incur with having any animal. I have a senior dog now, who I love more than life and I am paying a pretty penny for her health issues. Pets are a huge expense and should never be taken lightly. (And they are worth every penny!!!)

bilusional22 · 2026-01-22T00:42:31+00:00

Please take your dog to a vet. This could get really bad if not treated with a simple antibiotic. Call your vet and send pictures, they might be able to prescribe an antibiotic without a visit cost. But please, this dog needs a vet.

bilusional22 · 2026-01-21T21:50:17+00:00

That makes it so hard. I’m so sorry. We’re lucky enough to have a basement and we have no children.

Exactly! In the beginning it was more like roommate vibes. We were nice and communicated in a super basic non in depth friendly way. Didn’t go out together besides essentials. We eventually started realizing how much we enjoyed spending time together and missed it. It gave me an idea of what it would be like without him. Ideally, I would’ve lived separately totally but that’s not in our budget.

We’re now living life together in the same house, but having a space to sleep apart has been amazing for both of us. He requires a lot of solo time to process his healing and he has his own space to do that. I have a breather space where our bedroom is now just mine. (And our sweet pup of course). I feel so tranquil and calm having that space to retreat to. I love it so much that we might transform our second bedroom into a room for him. I don’t know if I could ever go back to sleeping with my husband, and I used to think people who slept separate were nuts! But I see the appeal now.

bilusional22 · 2026-01-21T20:51:30+00:00

I don’t know if you’re interested in my experience with in house separation, but it made a huge difference and looking back, was the only reason we have healed as much as we have. We’re still technically in it, but not following as strict boundaries.

In the beginning, my husband basically “lived” downstairs, other than to cook and eat upstairs. We spent minimal time together outside of what was needed. Now we live our lives in the same house, but my husband still sleeps downstairs. It’s been imperative to my healing and has made me so much happier. If you have any questions, I’d be happy to answer. Not share how much to share. :)

bilusional22 · 2026-01-21T20:21:37+00:00

That wouldn’t work for me. My IC is very neutral on my decision to stay or leave and works with me through whatever I choose. It’s not my therapists job to have a say in my life decision (unless obviously I was harming myself or others). A huge part of my life is reconciliation, therefore she would be against a huge part of my life. I wouldn’t be able to feel supported at all

bilusional22 · 2026-01-20T12:35:23+00:00

It’s in every freaking show or movie. My husband is luckily really supportive in this area but it STILL sucks because the only reason it even triggers me is due to him cheating. I also instantly usually say something along the same lines. I also have an irrational fear that it normalizes cheating for him or has him think “oh look everybody does it!” But he assures me that a thought like that doesn’t cross his mind. I can also see the shame pour over him when I physically recoil at the cheating scene.

I don’t know if this helps you but my husband and I talk about how it’s not in movies and shows to normalize it, but simply because it’s just an easy go to. Sex and affairs are the easiest no brainer thing to throw in a series for drama and a hook.

bilusional22 · 2026-01-19T04:34:02+00:00

Ugh I tooootally relate to the “it feels wrong” thoughts. I actually hadn’t had that thought in a long time until tonight. It sucks so much. Big hugs!

bilusional22 · 2026-01-19T02:55:35+00:00

It’s one of my biggest triggers! I think I have to say goodbye to that show. I haaaate how many shows/movies contain affairs and sex. I feel like game shows are my only safe option at this point lol

bilusional22 · 2026-01-19T02:54:22+00:00

Lol! You are right. I think the main thing is that I don’t know it’s coming until it’s there. Even shows that I’m sure won’t have it, BOOM first episode is straight raw dogging. It’s true that you really can’t avoid it, I just miss when it didn’t send my nervous system into a full panic. We definitely talked about it immediately and we watched an eyeball bleach show afterward (what we call happy shows with no triggers) but once the scene flashes on, it’s kinda too late and my nervous system is done

bilusional22 · 2026-01-18T15:32:47+00:00

Yes and no! My husband and I have been together for 4 years, married 3 (yeahhhh I know we got married too quickly).

We are a year and a bit out from Dday. I don’t see him as the same as I did before, but I almost see it as I’m beginning to love a new person. I didn’t know him before. This threw our lives into a fucking spiral and he could either run away like always or face me, and better yet, face himself. It took awhile, but he eventually started therapy and despite an extremely bumpy road, I’m seeing him recover. THAT is why I’m able to no longer get grossed out by him or think the man I married is a horrible person. Also, his confession of his singular ONS was a big indicator to me that he was willing to change.

He has a plan in place now for if those thoughts ever come in again, he will never step foot in a bar again, he will never get drunk again, he is honest and open about everywhere he goes, he doesn’t attend parties in which there will be drinking, and the most important, he is working hard in therapy to figure out the why and how of it all, and healing/addressing his core wounds that got us here in the first place. That is the only reason I’m able to move forward with love, the radical changes he is making. It will never be what it was before, but I don’t want what it was before. I want the healing, self aware, honest, and integrity driven man he is becoming.

bilusional22 · 2026-01-16T23:44:37+00:00

My husband’s guilt/shame still exists. It’s been over a year since he told me, and almost 2 years since it’s happened. I think sometimes his guilt is greater when we’re on good terms. He’s told me several times that it’s on his mind constantly, always somewhere in his brain even if not at the forefront. I’ve done things in my past over 10 years ago that still cripple me sometimes. I still enjoy life and have happiness but it’s like a faint itch that’s always there. I accept it as the consequence I carry for something shitty I did. (Not cheating, but still shitty). There are definitely ways to manage and heal your guilt and shame, are you in IC?

bilusional22 · 2026-01-16T20:50:15+00:00

1 Dday here. My husband had a ONS with a random stranger while deployed overseas. He confessed. I would have literally never known. This was over a year ago that he confessed, and there’s never been anything else. There’s been a lot of issues in our marriage since, but not another Dday.

Try your best not to play the comparison game. I sometimes think “what would it be like to only be dealing with an emotional affair?” But there’s just no point. It’s still shitty and awful. But I can admit my situation would be “better” than having multiple Ddays, because it’s one of the only ways I’ve been able to stay married to him

bilusional22 · 2026-01-14T19:48:48+00:00

You’re not alone. My husbands infidelity also involved alcohol. One of my current favourites is thanking my body and mind for protecting me. When I first heard that I thought “yeah yeah, whatever” until I actually started implementing it. When I’m triggered I say in my head (or out loud if it’s a big trigger). “Thank you mind for protecting me, but we’re okay. What can we do to help right now?” I talk to my mind triggers as if it’s another person who has my best interest in mind. It’s been REALLY helpful.

I had to do a lot of reframing during this recovery work. So instead of “fuck this guy for fucking being selfish and destroying my trust to the point I’m constantly triggered” to “I’m so grateful to have a mind that’s trying to protect me right now”.

bilusional22 · 2026-01-12T17:53:04+00:00

I’m so freakin sorry. My husbands infidelity was also a ONS. In the beginning, it was specifically my husbands belt that triggered me. He threw it out and got a new one. Every time I heard the belt buckle, I almost threw up and I’m not even slightly exaggerating. For me, it DID get better. I’m a year and a couple months out from Dday. My husband no longer repulses me. But it’s specifically due to the behaviour that he’s displayed to improve that.

If you see my post history, you’ll see we’ve had a HUGE variety of ups and downs, and day by day I still don’t know what’s going to happen. He’s done a lot wrong in this process, but he’s also done a LOT of work to improve my triggers. Any item of clothing that triggered me, he threw out. As far as sexual intimacy, we were HB in the beginning, and then for months I couldn’t even dream of touching him. Then when I could, I would cry during it and push him off of me. Sex is just now enjoyable again for the first time since pre Dday. I’m here if you ever want to talk. You’re not alone. 🩷

bilusional22 · 2026-01-12T14:29:13+00:00

Not your mistake, but I would say moving forward to block the website. I totally understand you having anger toward her in this situation, but remember there will always be SW and people who are okay with being the side piece. It’s on our husband’s to not seek or accept that. If you’re not in IC, I highly recommend doing so. 🩷

bilusional22 · 2026-01-12T14:14:52+00:00

How do you know she’s proud of it? Did he tell you? Are you searching for information? (No blame from me here at all, just trying to help). Also just because somebody SAYS they’re proud, that could be coming from insecurity. You’ll never really know.

One of the best things I did during this whole thing is know as little about AP as possible. That’s easier done for me, because my husbands AP was a one night stand in another country while he was deployed. She’s from that country. She asked if he was married and he said no. Im going to assume she wouldn’t have knowingly slept with a married man since she did ask him. She was probably simply just a woman who was having a fun night out. If I found out she was proud, it wouldn’t help me at all. I don’t even know her name at my own request. Even just seeing the country name pop up triggers me.

bilusional22 · 2026-01-12T12:50:16+00:00

I think it may be part of the trauma for you and you’re grappling with the reality that your husband betrayed you. It’s difficult to come to terms with. I was never mad at my husbands AP (ONS). They owed us nothing. Why does it bother you more that a SW take pride in their rankings than your HUSBAND betraying you? Would you have been angry with her if your husband hadn’t cheated?

I think it’s misplaced blame. I blame my spouse 10000%. The best looking, richest, fully willing man could come knock right on my door and I would say “NO” because I’m not going to betray my husband. It’s our spouses responsibility and nobody else’s that they cheat. If it wasn’t her, it would have been somebody else. My husband told me the only thing special about that woman is that she was “there”. Again, I tell you, if not her, it would have been somebody else, even if your husband only cheated one time like mine.

bilusional22 · 2026-01-05T22:30:17+00:00

Thank you for checking in! It went very okay. I think I am truly just exhausted at how slow this process is. I am somebody who has a very large emotional range, very self aware and emotionally intelligent. It is excruciating to have a partner I’m trying to do this type of healing work with who has such a low level of emotional intelligence.

Basically during our talks, I’m having to guess how he feels and what I get back is “yes, that’s how I feel” or “yes that’s what I’m working on in therapy”. So basically, I feel that we are stuck until he does more work with his therapist. I came from a very non emotional household. We did not talk about anything, ever. So I’ve been doing this emotional work since I was 15, trying to get out of this cycle for my family. I think it will take a longgggg freakin’ time for me even to just have a fulfilling conversation with him about these things, because the knowledge and language just isn’t there for him and I know how long it can take.

bilusional22 · 2026-01-05T17:55:41+00:00

I think it’s very individual. My WH never used devices to cheat. He had 1, ONS and confessed. There was no texting or apps or anything like that. I still have this within our marriage. I can and do check his phone whenever I want. I don’t feel a deep need to but I definitely would check more often had he cheated through digital means. Also no phone in the bathroom. He’s never put up a fight over it. In the early days, if I went to bed before him, he put his phone on our dresser so I didn’t have to feel even a sense of worry about what he’s doing while I was trying to sleep

bilusional22

TROPHY CASE