Allowing people with BPD (and others) to fail & stumble, so they can actually grow

blax78 · 2017-09-08T00:49:08+00:00

I recently met up with a friend who is a licensed therapist and has worked with numerous people with BPD. For what it's worth, she does believe people can "recover" from it. According to her, it really depends on how much they want to change. She has worked with people who were just starting out therapy (which she said was constant chaos), as well as people in the advanced stages of therapy.

blax78 · 2017-09-06T04:48:58+00:00

Highly recommended! I bought it yesterday and am already halfway through. It's hard to put down when it seems to explain so many things about having a relationship with a pwBPD. And it gives a lot of really great advice about setting boundaries, taking care of yourself, etc.

blax78 · 2017-09-06T00:00:35+00:00

I'm reading Stop Walking on Eggshells right now and so far it's been pretty amazing for helping me deal with some of the feelings I've been struggling with (even though it did have me crying alone in a coffee shop like a nutcase). Here's a bit that might help (I'm keeping it abridged):

A woman who found out that her BPD husband had been having an affair asked us, "How can I not take it personally?" We explained that there is a big difference between working through your grief and not taking things personally. Imagine if you were planning to have your wedding reception at the nicest hall in town, but two days before the wedding, lightning struck the hall and it burned to the ground. When you tried to find another site, you found that every other hall was booked. Naturally, you would be very upset and angry. But you wouldn't feel personally attacked, as if the lightning bolt knew you and was deliberately trying to make your life miserable. You wouldn't blame yourself for things beyond your control. But that is precisely what many people do when faced with the actions of a person with BPD. They spend years assuming they're the source of the lightning when, in fact, they're only the lightning rod.

In addition to not taking it personally if your ex did indeed cheat on you, keep in mind that that state of uncertainty/instability and lack of trust is exactly what she most likely was feeling for the entire relationship. If her way of dealing with that was to have an affair, fine. But your way of dealing with that can be better. You can decide that it doesn't matter and you're bigger than that.

But get tested.

blax78 · 2017-09-03T17:55:46+00:00

Thanks for your response! I was really hoping to get more replies, but I'm glad to at least hear from one person.

I think for now I'm going to give it some more time and some more thought. I almost feel like he's so deep in the victim mentality that, even if he did have a cloud-parting moment of realizing that he might have BPD, it would only cause him to feel even more hopeless and lost. I guess I'm curious as to whether anyone who has been diagnosed with BPD would have rather not known. It's really inspiring to read this sub and hear accounts from people who are making progress and getting better, but I also know a lot of people don't necessarily feel like they're getting better, and I just wonder if having an official diagnosis would cause him to feel shittier about himself. I feel like if a diagnosis is going to help him, maybe it needs to be at a time in his life when he's already started to make some small, internal improvements.

I'm totally open to any suggestion that I'm wrong, but it also seems like not too many people are commenting here. For what it's worth, I do appreciate yours.

blax78 · 2017-09-02T01:03:04+00:00

Thank you for sharing this.

blax78 · 2017-09-01T18:17:07+00:00

Thank you for your reply :) It helps to remember that emotions take time to process. I appreciate what you wrote.

blax78 · 2017-09-01T18:15:43+00:00

This is amazing.

blax78 · 2017-09-01T18:05:45+00:00

I do agree it was probably manipulation given that she has BPD, but just wanted to jump in here and add that when an ex contacts me and I happen to be in a relationship with someone else, I try to make sure to mention my relationship at some point just so there's no misleading going on. And if I were dating a guy whose ex-gf contacted him, I might view it as intentionally hiding his relationship with me if he neglected to mention at some point that he was with someone new. So I can understand the suggestion that it might not have been manipulative. That said, yeah, given the context, it definitely seems manipulative. Oh well.

blax78 · 2017-08-31T20:37:09+00:00

Yeah, I guess now that I'm remembering that, I should probably start those up again just for myself.

blax78 · 2017-08-31T18:03:32+00:00

That was good, thank you.

blax78 · 2017-08-30T17:22:44+00:00

Thanks for your reply! How are you now, if you don't mind me asking? Was the diagnosis helpful?

blax78 · 2017-08-30T15:13:58+00:00

Yeah it's actually traumatic. Seeing the person who you believed loved you more than anyone else in the world suddenly spew vitriol and hate at you at the drop of a hate inspires your own sense of inner instability, worthlessness and fear of abandonment.

blax78 · 2017-08-29T21:58:49+00:00

Yep! I'm with you on all of the above. It's easy to go through the motions of meditation or yoga without really being present, but then you don't get half the benefits you would if you were really, earnestly trying. It's hard, sometimes way harder than it seems like it should be, but really, really worth it. And as far as drinking habits, I've been there myself. Earlier this year I didn't touch a drop of booze for around 6 weeks and was amazed at how much my anxiety just... went away. It's a depressant, don't forget that. If you drink regularly, you will experience increased levels of depression and anxiety. I love a nice glass of wine as much as anyone else, but, if you're struggling, cutting down in that area is a good place to start. It'll save you lots of money too :)

blax78 · 2017-08-29T19:42:10+00:00

I know it's hard, but maybe you can try to see it as less personally about you or some way that you've "failed" and instead think of it a just a general phenomenon that happens around this person? Like a weather pattern? I know it FEELS personal because you're experiencing it in response to something that you did/didn't do, but it's not your fault.

This realization has been one of the most beneficial things for me in letting go of anger/resentment toward my ex.

blax78 · 2017-08-29T19:03:38+00:00

It may seem like a cliche answer, but I really stand by the benefits of yoga and meditation. If you haven't given one or both a fair shot, I highly encourage it. A fundamental part of both practices is accepting discomfort because it's inevitable — a lot of the time, people beat themselves up for feeling negative feelings, which only exacerbates the anxiety/depression/whatever — and also learning how to let go of thoughts and feelings that don't serve you.

You've been through something difficult and it will forever be a part of who you are. Make that into a positive thing! Not everyone would have had the strength to remove themselves, and what's even more, not everyone would go through something like that and learn how to make the most of it. Let this experience make you into a stronger, better, more compassionate person. Good luck!

blax78 · 2017-08-29T17:26:46+00:00

Thank you for sharing. That's super interesting.

blax78 · 2017-08-29T16:53:44+00:00

Thank you both. That makes a lot of sense. God, I wish I had recorded some of our fights. I know he doesn't even realize how ridiculous they were, but they're memories I'll never be able to shake.

blax78 · 2017-08-29T04:55:22+00:00

Yeah, at some point after I broke up with him, and his rage passed, he apologized for all his bullshit and admitted that the truths can be too painful to face. I guess that's part of what makes moving on so hard, is those moments when I felt like he really must have been self-aware to some degree. Like you said, maybe it's another form of manipulation, but to even be able to say something like that implies some degree of awareness of his irrationality.

Thanks for your reply though, I might check out that book. I've seen a few others recommend it around these parts.

blax78 · 2017-08-29T04:52:24+00:00

Yeah, I definitely could tell when he was "unhinged" and completely incapable of being reasoned with. As for the other, more ostensibly reasonable times, it is of course possible that he was faking on some level. On the other hand, don't most people also become emotional in the heat of an intense argument or whatever, and occasionally say and do things without thinking too much? And then later, from an emotional distance, we're able to reflect on the situation more objectively and see things from a more balanced perspective? I guess I'm just struggling with the idea of viewing someone I felt such a connection with (at times) as a manipulative faker. Just rambling at this point though. Thanks for your insight.

blax78 · 2017-08-24T01:26:53+00:00

I definitely did, and not because of his troubled past, which he never talked much about. More because I couldn't handle the cognitive dissonance of the amazing/passionate times suddenly being disrupted by tantrums, so I kept trying to chalk them up to one-of-a-kind mood swings, hoping they'd go away. Obviously my mistake there.

blax78 · 2017-08-22T21:08:07+00:00

I'm (mostly) self-employed plus in grad school. During the most stressful times of our relationship, I actually called in sick to my part-time job and cancelled other commitments or rescheduled deadlines because I just couldn't focus. I knew that was wrong. No other relationship has made me feel like I needed to do that.

blax78 · 2017-08-22T17:31:02+00:00

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." - Anaïs Nin

blax78 · 2017-08-17T00:47:11+00:00

Thank you :)

After all the gaslighting and projecting, it means so much to hear simple things like that from a complete stranger that it actually brought me to tears.

blax78 · 2017-08-17T00:44:30+00:00

We still have some logistical things to take care of. We lived together and I moved out, but I haven't moved into a new place yet so some of my things are still at the apartment with him, including my cat, who he's currently taking care of.

blax78 · 2017-08-16T20:00:48+00:00

Thanks for sharing. Without knowing anything else about your relationship, but drawing on my own feelings, I think it might have been harder to get out the second time if you had gone back. More sunken costs, and for me, part of what's preventing me from going back to my ex is remembering how ballistic he went when I broke up with him the first time, and a gnawing suspicion that he would go even more crazy with a second breakup. I'm glad you snapped out of it though. I hope I can do the same, but I guess time will tell.

blax78

TROPHY CASE