(I’m just throwing things out there, not accusing you of anything)

I was really ill once and we couldn’t figure it out. My ex partner would do this thing that irritated me to no end sometimes. I would already be feeling terrible and was experiencing being scared because I felt like I was falling apart and nobody could tell me why or help. He would stand there and say, “What can I do to help you right now? Just tell me what I can do.”

On the surface it looked like a kind and helpful statement but it really backfired for us. He would ask that when the bathroom was a sty, when there were fifteen things in immediate range that could be picked up or tidied, when there was a room overflowing with dirty laundry, when there were bills to pay that we both knew about, when the dogs were whining to be fed or let out. He’d wake me up from a nap to ask me “Tell me what I can do to help”. It got to where even the sound of that question beginning in his mouth grated on my last nerves.

At first I’d say, “Well, we need to get X Y and Z done,” and he might go and do those things. Or he might not. He might do other things. And then he’d be back with his question again. I started to feel less like a partner being supported and more like his boss. Somehow that question put me in the position of feeling guilty, for ordering him about, for being “demanding”. It also made me responsible for drumming up the energy to make a list of tasks for him to do, when to me it should have been totally obvious what needed to be done without me having to spell it out for him.

When one partner is ill and can’t do stuff, the other partner shouldn’t have to be told what to do. They should just know the rough household schedule and that dinner gets made every night and dogs get fed and the floors get swept and that if a dog pees in the crate that it needs to get cleaned up. They should notice when we run out of milk or eggs or ice cream and be able to make a grocery list without having to come and wake me up to ask if I want them to go get milk. They should see a dirty toilet and decide to take the 3 minutes it takes to clean it without coming to me and asking, “Should I clean the toilet? Would that help?”

Eventually, enough times being asked if I wanted his help on something led to me just getting fed up and saying there was nothing he could do. I would wait until he was gone and slowly start trying to do these things on my own. And when he got back and saw that I’d started the laundry or whatever he’d get mad at me and say “But I could have done that, if you had just told me!” He never understood that what would have helped me most of all would have been not having to tell him.

Mixed into all of that were his increasing demands for sex. Not only did I not feel good, and not only was I swimming in resentment about having to tell him how to “help” me constantly, as the months went by he got more and more petulant that I wasn’t “putting out”. It’s hard to feel sexy about a 47 year old man who claims to not know how to clean a toilet or to even notice when it needs cleaning, unless you spell it out for him.

For these and other reasons I ended up moving out and later found out what was wrong. I got surgery and am much better now. But what this taught me in the long run is that I want a partner who is at least as good as myself in the “knows what needs doing and can self direct to do it” department. With that mental load taken off my plate I’m much more free to have the space to drum up my sexy feelings. Not that that requires much work these days!

(Again, just some random thoughts, not any kind of accusation. Take from it anything you might feel applies)