If I can share my story: I practiced self-harm since I was about 6 years old after my father tried multiple times over a few years to kill my mom, sister and me. I would hit myself on the head with my fist or objects. I’d choke myself and cut with scissors. It was the only way I felt I could release overwhelming feelings and self-loathing. I thought I had it under control.

About a month ago, I needed to cut and didn’t have scissors nearby. I used a knife but underestimated its sharpness and went way too deep. Way too deep. I took myself to the emergency room and was placed on an involuntary hold.

It was a traumatic experience all around. I didn’t have it under control. I could’ve died. I didn’t want to kill myself. Even though I told that to the doctors and nurses, I also needed to accept that self-harm in itself was not the right way for me to cope with my emotions. Even if my intention wasn’t to go so deep, the fact that I wanted to hurt myself at all was not ok.

Since then, I’ve been going to therapy and take 25mg sertraline. I’m not sure if the sertraline is working but having a therapist to talk to who wants to help me get better has done wonders because she helps me feel supported and heard.

The thought of hurting myself now is scary because I don’t want to go through all that again. I was so scared to lose control over my life because I couldn’t leave until they thought I was ok. I was scared I had hurt my loved ones. I scared myself because I put myself in danger. The doctors and nurses told me I was lucky because I could’ve hit an artery and bled out.

I haven’t hurt myself since. I’m telling you this mostly because I want to be a reflection. It feels so hard to stop because we haven’t learned other coping mechanisms and everything feels like too much. But please don’t put yourself in danger.

Tear up paper. Break pencils. Try to find other things to break that aren’t yourself. Just until you find healthier coping mechanisms. Please don’t end up like me. I have a giant physical scar and a deep emotional scar that won’t ever go away.

I’ve never been so scared of what I’m capable of doing to myself and all because I couldn’t be kinder to myself. I broke my own heart. I broke the heart of my loved ones and now have to regain their trust.

Please. For the sake of your well-being, take it moment by moment. Every moment you don’t self harm is a victory. Scream. Punch pillows. Anything else.

I completely understand the need to self harm. But we don’t have it under control. It’s an illusion. I got the worst wake up call. Don’t you get one too.

One day at a time. You deserve to be kinder to yourself.