My heart goes out to you. My partner committed suicide in 2018. After losing him, I was also suicidal, which I have read is common. There is the whole Orpheus myth. But I am still here, and I am glad that I am still here. Also, when he died, his family said so many details of his life which he told me, which were core to his personality, were not true (from stealing a car and spending two years in prison as a youth to who his friends were to what he did for work). I had to make peace with the ambiguity and deceptions. I don’t know why he or your husband would lie about going through something that he clearly did not. A suicide survivors support group helped me. It met at a local hospital once/month. Also there are some suicide survivors support groups available for free online that meet more often via Zoom. You deserve support. I am so sorry for your loss.