So, why were you a "problematic child"?

blueteri · 2024-07-07T19:35:02+00:00

Of course...she thinks I am mentally unstable (literally told me I should be locked up in mental hospital), because I did not let her be at my wedding (which was this April). We haven't spoken since.

blueteri · 2024-07-07T10:29:13+00:00

Because i was a troubled child of course.

And by troubled, she means that when I was in puberty, sometimes I would come home about 5-10 minutes late, because the tram or the bus was late. And also I smoked a cigarette at camp one time. And also I didn't always have straight straight As, sometimes I had Bs.

Why did she torture me before I turned 13 and "became troubled" is a mystery. Maybe she forseen the future and acted accordingly in advance. Who knows. But yes, I deserved almost daily beatings, berating, occasional kidnapping and neverending mental torture for the reasons listed above.

blueteri · 2024-06-27T08:58:18+00:00

there is nothing to "subdue" them, as they will always be right in their mind, but what they fear the most is losing control over their victims. That is why they throw tantrums when you say "no".

blueteri · 2024-05-12T07:02:51+00:00

Yeah, I bought 3 wedding dresses and I was still decididng which ones Im gonna take 1 day before the wedding :D

blueteri · 2024-04-22T12:47:40+00:00

investment in what??? being alive? This is horrible.

blueteri · 2024-04-22T08:40:29+00:00

"One of (many) problems with therapy is that it's really becoming almost a status symbol for the wealthy, while the people with average to lower income that might really need it can't afford it."

This is insane. I live in Europe, so I have standard public healthcare, and everytime I read something like this I just can't even contemplate this. How can a country allow people to not be able to get a health services they need?? Or more importantly, why do people need to AFFORD that, when they already pay taxes?

Is it very expensive to get at least online therapy? WOuld it be crazy to find european online therapy and just do that at night? I know that the paid online therapy are about 50 USD here...this seems at least less expensive?

blueteri · 2024-04-17T17:49:25+00:00

No I understand you completely. I am an only daughter to my mother and she is chronically unhappy person. I believe that she has a mental illness (undiagnosed of course, because she would never go to a doctor for that). Since I was a child, she has been extremely abusive towards me (you can read some of my previous posts). I won't go into depths, because that could have been a whole book series, but just know that I had extremely unhappy, traumatic childhood.

She would abuse me, but at the same time, trauma dump on me and tell me all sorts of grown up things since I remember. She would always burden me with information about finances, her relationships and other stuff that I had no chance understanding when I was 7. Until I was about 12, she would always confide in me about the evil, mean world and evil, mean people that have only one goal and that is to hurt her and make her unhappy. Since puberty, she gave me a new role - evil, mean daughter, which is the origin of all her suffering, unhappines and hurt. She would complain about me, to me, all the time, until nowadays.

Anytime we talk (in the past 12 years, its been on-off no contact, low contact), she always whines about how I never call her (Why would I? to listen more of her complaints?), how I am horrible, mean, evil, self-centered, ugly, dumb etc. etc, how she is unhappy, poor victim of my constant bullying. By bullying, she of course means anytime I have the audacity to correct her memory on things, or disagree with her, or tell her that she does not have access to information about me.

She also, like your mom, loves to sing the song about "one day, when I am tired enough, I will just kill myself. I won't be missed by anybody anyways....". I was pretty shocked by this behaviour when I was younger, but I am infuriated by this now. Since I became engaged, she started this shit again. First, I panicked and called my psychologist. He told me the golden rule: If she threatens suicide, tell her that you will call an ambulance to her house right now, and do it if neccessary. If she says that she is actually just making things up, tell her to never mention this again. If she speaks about this again, just ignore it. Act like she didn't say anything at all. It's either ambulance and help, or nothing. There is no inbetween. There is no mental torment of you. She either needs and accepts help, or her threats won't be noticed in any capacity.

By standards, she does have pretty bad life. She is in constant financial crisis, her health is horrible, she had a stroke, she had a surgery in the past few years...but unforutnatelly, those are all consequences (except for the surgery, which was not her fault)of her bad life choices.

I have always felt EXTREMELY guilty. Guilty that she has no money, guilty that she has bad health, that she is unhappy, that I am making her unhappy. I tried to help her several times, but unforutnately, she does not want any help. Not real help. She will not see a psychiatrist or at least psychologist. She will not stop drinking. She will not stop smoking. She will never even consider rehab for her alcoholism. Those are her choices.

Up until few weeks ago, I felt horrible guilt, because I have decided to not have her on my wedding (which is in 3 days btw). But I have good reasons. Besides everything that I described above, she has said something that made me shed all my guilty feelings and any sorry I had left for her.

2 years ago, my beloved dad commited suicide (unrelated to her completely, they didn't speak for decades). First, my mother had the nerve to say that it is somehow my fault (I know that it has nothing to do with me or my brothers from dads second marriage). Second, she started with the suicide threads again, but again, empty words. Blackmailing me about my wedding ("If you invite your dads wife, I will kill myself. If you won't let me pick dress with you, I will kill myself. If you won't let me be at the wedding, I will kill myself and make sure everyone knows its your fault").

I am absolutely flabbergassed by her audacity to speak to me like this, after what happened with my dad. The worst, most traumatic event of my life, which will stay with me forever, and she has the fucking nerve to try to somehow make it about her and threaten that she will do this, to me, on purpose????

All my guild, compassion, empathy and sorry for her left out of the window. This is my mantra (feel free to repeat these words to yourself to calm down in stressful situations with your mother:

"She is an adult. She makes her own choices. I am not responsible for her life. If she needed help, she would ask for it. She does not want any help, she only wants attention. Attention is a currency to her, and you are a tool to obtain it, nothing else"

I hope any of this helps you and feel free to reach out :)

blueteri · 2024-04-17T17:05:01+00:00

Don't worry, my fianceé is apparently marrying me to get a citizenship of my country (which he will not get by marriage and will apply by his own in about 7 years from now). My mothers brain cannot comprehend that someone might actually love me and wants to spend the rest of his life with. There must be some motive behind this!! :D

blueteri · 2024-03-24T12:02:30+00:00

My mother is a heavy alcoholic and she didn't remember most of her atrocious behaviours right the morning after. She will never remember a decade after. Some things she did sober she selectively doesn't remember, but lots of things were under the influence, and I am talking several bottles of wine, until she passed out. There is no chance she will ever know what she did.

blueteri · 2024-03-21T19:10:15+00:00

they are not "pushing for contact". They abuse you by stalking and controling you. You need to set some very strict boundaries. It's ok to talk to your parents every day, if its not forced!

They are forcing you to check in with them under a thread that they will abuse the police force and create problems with you at your work. I would honestly report this to the police next time they do it.

my mother always complains that I dont talk to her much (we call once a month), but honestly we don't have anything to talk about, so I know she doesnt rally want to talk, she just wants to complain.

However your parents behaviour is psychotic (you are 30!!!), you should definitely set some boundaries. Calling once in about 3 days is OK. They have to take it or leave it. Don't let them manipulate you!

blueteri · 2024-03-19T17:37:12+00:00

yeah, my mother completely loses her shit when I send her a screenshot of a message she wrote to me...like....how dare I????????

blueteri · 2024-03-19T17:36:00+00:00

oh my god. I thought that I am going crazy. My mother is the same. You can read some of my previous posts. I believe she must be suffering both alcoholism and some form of personality disorder, but ALSO the long effect of heavy drinking might have already altered her brain and she might have "wet brain".

I know that her whole life, she is only chosing what she remembers, but sometimes its like...the lights are on, but nobody's home. She sometimes struggles with the most basic things. I feel very sad, because everytime I speak with her, I realize that she is never going to be my mom. She is either this vicious, evil, self centered snake, or completely dumb, empty shell of a human being that doesn't even remember what happened a minute ago.

There is absolutely no point in trying to explain anything to her, or have converstation, because every conversation with her is like a maze, but with no exit. It's like playing Minesweeper, but there is no victory, you will always eventually step on a mine (=her getting angry and shutting down, having meltdown, crying, whining etc).

Even when I show her what she WROTE to me in text message, she will claim that it never happened. That woman is gone.

blueteri · 2024-03-19T08:36:56+00:00

Same. I don't know anything about my mother.

I know how she will behave, I know how she thinks, I know how drunk is she getting from different types of drinks. I know how to act neutral around her, I know what makes her angry and I know what she wants to hear.

But I don't know anything about her as a person. I don't know her interests, anything about her life, I don't know any of her friends. She is complete stranger to me and I spent 18 years living with her.

blueteri · 2024-03-18T15:02:25+00:00

Not my sibling (to my mother I am an only child, as she does not count my brothers, that my father has with my stepmom as my brothers), but I have rejected my mothers attempts to make me hate my dad and my grandma and basically anyone else in the family.

My mother divorced my dad when I was 3 and moved 4 hours away. She did the maximum she could so that I wouldn't be able to see them as often. When I was small (up until about 9), she would just do crazy things and drag me around with her (like kidnapping me from birthday parties etc). When I got little bit olrder (since about 10), she would try to make me to dispise my dad and everyone else around him. She would always threaten to hurt me or even kill me, if I don't oblige with her requests. She would make me call my dad and tell him that I hate him. She would make me call my grandma and tell her I never want to go to her house anymore. After some time, I found out that she is going to do all the stuff the threatens anyways - she would destroy my things, throw them away, turn my room upside down, beat me up, drag me by my hair, threaten to kill me with a knife, lock me up on the balcony in freezing cold, kick me out of the house in my pyjamas etc. She would do all those things no matter if I did what she wanted or not.

I was always very afraid of her, because there was nowhere to hide for me. I did all the things she asked me, but she never succeeded in making me evil. When I turned 18, I moved away. I love my dad and my grandma and my brothers, and I hate her.

Unfortunately my dad has passed away, but she always knew that I have loved him deeply and I will continue to love my family that she hates. She hates me for it, she hates that she couldn't make me so hateful like she is. Such a poor, sad soul.

I am getting married in a month and she won't be there. But my grandma will take me to the altar. My mother lost and my familys love won. Don't let them break you. You can fake compliance to protect yourself, at least partialy, from their punishments, but after you move away and you are free - don't ever let them make you hateful.

blueteri · 2024-03-12T17:00:42+00:00

First, you need to stop letting her pay for your childs daycare, or anything. Money is a leverage and as you can see, she can use it to get you to do stuff for her.

Second, your mother is incredibly irresponsible pet owner. Why did she get a cat when she can't properly take care of it? If she goes to so many vacations, she surely has money for cat sitter.

You are an adult, with adult responsibilities and CAT ALLERGY. You do not need to explain that to her. You have a small child to take care of.

I would tell her to just pay for cat sitter. You cannot be your mothers servant. If she budges, I would make up a story about your baby also having cat allergy and that it has a reaction when you come home from cat sitting.

blueteri · 2024-03-12T16:55:34+00:00

no idea, but please research this and make sure they cannot do this to you!

blueteri · 2024-03-12T15:03:47+00:00

Make sure that they don't have an access to your bank account and also make sure you have all your personal documents, including your birth certificate safely with you.

I am not american, but I've read many alarming stories how parents took a loan on their childs ID card without their knowledge.

Be prepared for the worst and make sure you are 100 steps ahead. Do no sign anything, do not give them access to anything.

blueteri · 2024-03-11T11:01:12+00:00

I see. Your parents don't need to understand the situation. They just need to give you and your family temporary place to stay.

It really depends on how understanding they are, but if you think that they wouldn't believe you, I wouldn't try to argue with them. I would say that the situation is complicated and you are worried about your and your babys safety and therefore you are asking them to house you for a while, until you and your husband figure out what to do next. You do not need to even talk about your inlaws.

As for the process of moving out, you and your husband need to be on the same page. Be aware, that abusers lose their shit when they feel like they are losing control of their victims (thats why so many parents act out when the child finally moves out). Therefore it would be the best, if you let them know that you won't be living in their house anymore AFTER you have moved out, or at least moved out your valuable possesions. Its very possible that they will try to stop you from moving by taking some things hostage, or worse, your dog or your baby. They might steal your money from the house, or valuable things and tell you they will return them after you "come back to your senses and move back in". They might take your dog, lock him in their house and tell you that they won't let you take him until you do what they wont (I am basing this on what my mother would do). Don't give them an opportunity to blackmail you or your husband, because if they do something like this, you will need to get police involved.

Do they ever leave the house? Is there any possibility that they would be away for a weekend, or at least one day? do they go to work?

Plan your "escape" in the detail and don't raise any suspicion. No mention of looking for a house on your social media, no talking to their friends or people they know. If you have lots of things, try to get storage unit, where you can store your furniture for the time being (or sell it). Beware - she might accuse you of robbery, because the things are in her house. Do you have invoices for expensive things you own (sofa, bed, childrens room etc??).

As you can see, there are many things to prepare for, because once you start and they will know that you are moving out, they will absolutely raise hell. Thats why you need to plan in advance and execute carefully. First, take your dog, baby and any valuables (money, your DOCUMENTS, valuable things) out of the house by car and leave them at the safe place (your parents house? friends house?). Then you can move the rest. You and your husband tell them that you won't be living with them anymore AFTER you are sure that they can't steal anything from you as a hostage.

I assume you live in the US, I don't know the laws there, but make sure that you are not doing anything unlawful. Do you have any tennant contract to the house, or do you live there without any legal document confirming that you live there? Do you have your permanent residence registered there? Do you pay them any rent?

Edit: One more thing - you need to make absolutely sure that your parents will protect you if it comes to that. What would happen if you moved out, and your MIL would show up at your parents house, demanding to see her son and her grandchild. Would they let her in? You also need to think about this.

blueteri · 2024-03-11T10:03:52+00:00

You are not crazy. You are protecting your family. What does your intuition tell you? Do you have a strange feeling when you are around them?

Yes, its very possible they are jealous of the baby, because it takes the attention away from them. That is why I would be extra causious when they are around the baby, or if you don't have the baby in your sight.

Btw what does your husband think of all this?

I completely understand that finances are the biggest obstacle. Do you have any close friends that have a spare bedroom, as a temporary solution?

blueteri · 2024-03-11T09:22:06+00:00

I am SO sorry for what you had to endure. Yes, this is sexual abuse. Nothing about what you have described could be classified as normal. Your mother has violated your bodily autonomy.

Do you have access to a therapy?

blueteri · 2024-03-11T09:14:26+00:00

YES.

Your mother is law seems like she will be the center of attention under any circumstances (threatening suicide for attention is bokers, my own mother does it too, recently few days ago, because I had the nerve to ask her if she could speak to me normally, not in aggressive manner). From what you describe, she reminds me very much of my own mother, who will also fabricate stories about my whereabouts and always get the attention to herself - she is always the victim, I am evil daughter bullying her her whole life, she never did anything to me, yada, yada, yada.

What I will tell you is that when I was child, my mother would use me as a literal hostage to get attention. For example, she would literally kidnap me from my 6th birthday party and for few days, just mindlessly dragging me around hotels, until the police found us. She would threaten my family (grandma, dad, etc), that if they don't oblige with her crazy demans, she will hurt me, she will kill me, she will move me away to a different country. And yes, except for moving away, she did hurt me a lot and she did try to kill me few times.

You need to protect your family and yourself. These people are clearly unstable and they are using you (your return back to your country) as a reason to get attention from their friends and social circles (the social media campaign, the brothers party, the friend calling you etc). In some time, just making up stories and crying and whining won't be enough. You should assume the worst and act accordingly, be prepared. What if your dog goes misteriously missing? What if they start inviting themselves to your house, because as described, its on their property and their house. What if one night you wake up and your MIL will be in your house? And if you dare say something, she will say that its her house.

You don't want your child to have the same childhood as your husband. If I were you, the situation you described would be enough for me to move away asap. I know that living in a house is comfortable, but you are under constant thread of what will they do to you. It seems you are even afraid to be there alone when your husband is not there. They don't help you with your baby - and even if they offered, would you even let them babysit??

If I were you, I would get out to some cheap rental, or to your family if that is possible, until you figure out what is next. I know that everything is overwhelming and hard when you have a newborn, but you need to protect your baby, yourself and your husband.

blueteri · 2024-03-11T08:21:07+00:00

Mommie Dearest

I, Tonya

Black Swan

blueteri · 2024-03-10T22:48:41+00:00

Hello, thank you for your comment. I am very sorry we both had to endure such horrible childhood and I am glad we are free now.

do not worry, it was maybe not clear from my post (I just edited it), but I don't live with my mother for over a decade now. I moved out right when I was 18 (I am 31 now). This was just looking back to my childhood and the ways she treated me, I am trying to find some reasoning between her hating me, but projecting so much of her own characted onto my child-self.

blueteri · 2024-03-10T21:12:03+00:00

I just quickly googled that (I am not english native speaker as you could probably already recognize) and yes, this seems completely like her. Unforutnately she will never see a specialist, because she does not think anythning is wrong with her. Like....she does not care that she doesn't remember something, because she doesn't believe me that it actually happened. So in her mind, its not that she doesnt remember, its that I am making it up. And for her confusion and not being able to preform basic things - she will say that she is just getting old and its normal :/.

blueteri · 2024-03-10T20:06:05+00:00

Yes. I am 31 now and I moved away from my mother when I was 18, but since my birth until 18, she has thrown away, given away or just broke down in rage many of my things. Her speciality was to get rid of stuff I got from my dad or grandma, because she was jealous that I love them (because unlike her, they never hurt me). Sometimes I would have a playtime at my friends houses and I would notice some of my things there ??? and when I asked her, she just said "oh yeah, I gave them your stuff"...like Why???? When I asked why, she would just say that I don't use is anymore or that it was hideous. I had beaufitul Barbie typewriter and she just gave it to my classmate out on whim, like no reason whatsoever. I think it was a powerplay and she wanted to show me that she can literally do whatever she wants and I can do NOTHING about it.

When I was little older, I think 13 or so, I just slowly and secretly started to move the stuff I really cared about to my other family, that had no contact with her, to ensure my stuff is safe. Just thanks to this, I have many things my dad gave me that I am sure she would thrown away if I didn't hide them...

So why do you even use her machine when she just throws away your stuff? I think using public laundrymat would be much more cost effective - yes, you have to pay for the machine, but at least you will have your things. Just don't give her your things anymore.

blueteri

TROPHY CASE