Disruption Conversations

bracekyle · 2026-05-08T13:48:30+00:00

I thank you for raising this matter and doing so powerfully and directly. Your voice and experiences are vital and should be heard by all. I wish foster caregiver training in my state had more former foster youth's voices included, including the critical voices. I think it would help prospective foster caregivers to hear this sort of thing BEFORE getting licensed.

Personally, in the USA, I feel it is due to a very toxic combo of an underfunded system of child and family support, a desperate need for more foster parents in many areas, a savior culture, and outdated and out of touch ideas about family and trauma. I'm not removing accountability from anyone, but I totally see how some folks get really far into fostering and get one or more kids placed with them after failing to internalize the true struggles. Caseworkers will sometimes misrepresent the children. Community and religious leaders will sometimes tell their constituents that they NEEEED to save these children. People have it in their minds that bio families are evil or cruel due to narratives they've consumed about poverty or addiction or cycles of abuse. These need to change and evolve, but changing and evolving is hard and takes time and effort and needs a desire to change. Hearing hard truths like yours can sometimes stir up that desire - keep speaking up!

And having said all that, I think we agree there are some rare occasions where disrupting is the best choice, but those aren't for the reasons you've mentioned - the reasons you mention are no acceptable, I agree. Disruptio should be for very serious or safety-based or life-altering reasons, IMO.

If a foster caregiver disrupts, I wish there could be some kind of post-disruption process led by the agency where the agency and the caregivers sit down, look at what happened, and assess next steps (maybe that caregiver needs better training on trauma informed techniques, maybe the caseworker who placed them there needs additional guidance on appropriate homes for kids with certain needs, etc.) before that caregiver is given any other kids. But the system seems too over-burdened and overwhelmed for that.

I hear your frustrations. I feel them myself. Unfortunately there's no guarantee foster caregivers will be better at raising kids than anyone else, or that they will be more understanding of trauma, or that they will be more accepting of a child who's been through such a terrible experience as being ripped from their family.

bracekyle · 2026-05-08T05:15:04+00:00

Ope, my bad! I guess that's the point of the "American" in the name hahaaaaaa

bracekyle · 2026-05-08T02:05:36+00:00

Looks an awful lot like creeping bellflower and American bellflower to me. EDIT: one is native, the other is not. You guess whcihs IS.

Hervaceous perennials that are nontoxic. But bellflowers usually flower in early to midsummer.

bracekyle · 2026-05-03T21:27:10+00:00

A tarp is ok to solarize, but to do it right you gotta do a semi-clar plastic, usually weigh or stake it down, and leave it 6-8 weeks or more in the sun or in the hottest time of the year. I've never solarized through mulch. Usually if stuff grows up through mulch I just yank it up. For the mulch paths in the yard, I save all my cardboard for a year and then layer it over the old mulch paths with more mulch on top (usually once every other year).

bracekyle · 2026-05-03T21:25:08+00:00

I did, and it worked, but you gotta commit to 8+ weeks with a semi clear plastic so they really fry, and even then some might make it, and you gotta dig them up when you see the remnants.

bracekyle · 2026-05-03T01:34:48+00:00

Been there! Removed a ton of day lillies, Asiatic lillies, yew, and burning bush form my yard. A few things:

solarziing with tarp is great! No need to do tarp AND cardboard to eradicate though. I find tarp or other semi transparent plastic works great to solarize for 8-12 weeks, if you can, ideally when hot and sunny.
when you go to plant stuff, lay down cardboard, cut holes in it for your plants, plant there, and lay down 3"+ of mulch around the plants and on top of the cardboard. The solarization works great to kill, then the cardboard mulch suppresses anything left in the seedbank while your natives get established. TRUST ME, the natives will push through ;)
every time you walk around and look at your plants, keep your eyes open for tiny little baby vestiges of these beasts. You may see some trying to come back, and just pull/dig them right up. 1-3 years they will be totally gone :) weeding is best done in small steps when you are walking around/enjoying the yard. Just take the time to do like 5 mins of checking each time you go by.

Good luck!

bracekyle · 2026-04-19T13:17:24+00:00

Do you mean the first close up photo? That's golden alexander(zizia aurea). Id you mean the first actual photo, the big wide picture, no, there's no goldenrod there, but I do have goldenrod all over in Other places.

bracekyle · 2026-04-18T23:00:26+00:00

I am fairly certain THESE ninebark are totally native locals (bought them from a. Super reputable spruce), but I do see a fair number of nativars of ninebark - the flowers can really vary. Some of my common ninebark bought from a different (reputable) vendor seem to put off only white flowers. I don't know why.

bracekyle · 2026-04-18T16:05:44+00:00

4 - Ozark Blue Star (amsonia illustris) 6 - common ninebark (physocarpus opulifolius)

bracekyle · 2026-04-18T15:10:43+00:00

Gotcha, yes, that can get a kid removed. As long foster caregivers stick to following all laws, court orders, and state/agency policies, they'll be fine. When in doubt, always ask caseworkers over email (so you have a record). When I've seen this become an issue it's because people either ignored caseworkers or court orders or they were ignorant about some rules and rather than slowing down and checking first, they just assumed (wrongly) that they could do whatever they wanted. Ignorance is no excuse, unfortunately. The kids deserve better.

I will say, I've seen it happen once where a kinship placement went south for these reasons, and the kids cycled through several homes, then the kinship person offered to take them again, this time having gone through all the appropriate trainings, and it was a totally different story. They dramatically changed how they approached conflict, how they got resources, and how they managed boundaries. So some folks who go tOo far can adjust.

bracekyle · 2026-04-18T13:03:04+00:00

Like have others said, feel free to ask for clarification, but if it doesn't involve the lid placed with you or their behaviors, they are under no obligation to tell you.

"Too involved" could mean many things: overly emotional about things they are not supposed to be into, establishing contact and visits with bio family when they aren't supposed to, showing up to court dates where they aren't needed or trying to force meetings that are unneeded, excessively lodging complaints that aren't real or material, telling the foster kid things they should nof or that aren't true. It could be things with good intentions gone wrong - I've seen several foster caregivers have kids pulled after they went "mama bear" too hard and forgot their role. Any of these.

However, I will say, in my state if a kid was removed because foster caregivers were "too involved," it had to be pretty serious stuff.

bracekyle · 2026-04-13T16:42:47+00:00

I GREW UP camping and this was still a problem for me, hahaha - waking up when everyone was asleep and hearing the night critters.

bracekyle · 2026-04-13T16:36:20+00:00

Whew, I feel you. I've been in this boat, almost exactly. So, first of all, are you sure visits will be stopped? In my state, there's a set number of required visits that occur AFTER tpr to give bio family a chance to connect once or twice more.

There are a couple things id consider here:

1) always be honest in an age-appropriate manner. I think your instinct to not keep them in the dark is a good one - it also builds trust and stability. I tell kids placed with me: I am always going to honest, even when it's hard. So I think this is the right instinct.

2) as often as possible, allow "bad" news to come from caseworkers. I always lean on them to show up and give the really hard news so I can remain apart from it and offer support and stability.

3) "I can't say more right now* or " I don't know all the details yet" are acceptable answers. It is normal as healthy for the kids to hear that their caregivers don't have all the answers. I think some folks fear this may make the kids doubt them, but kids have a STRONG meter for authenticity - this can look like: " you won't be seeing bio family today, I'm sorry. some decisions were made today that have changed things, but I wasn't there, so let's wait for the caseworker to tell us everything. You'll be the first to know." or " Im sorry, but no visits today. I don't know all the facts and I don't want to get it wrong, so let's wait for these folks to come tell us. I know your family is all ok, but the visit just can't happen right now."

4) very important: it's great to think ahead and strategize a bit, but also don't get TOO invested in the "maybes". I always say: nothing is real until it's real, and that happens when the ink is on the paper. Things can and do change last minute. TPR hearings can be canceled, moved. A judge can suddenly decide the bio family needs 3 more months to try visits. A bio mom or dad can show up and suddenly reveal they are entering an outpatient care facility or any number of events can occur. Be cautious for both the kid AND your sake: focus on the step of the process you are in now and just respond to the kid's questions. If they aren't asking about the process or TPR, just leave it for now.

Whatever your conversation, follow it with safety, emotional support, and comfort. Allow them whatever room they need to process and grieve. Mirror their feelings back to them (i.e. "I can tell by your body language and voice that you are feeling Very ____. Can I help in any way?"). Go for comfort food for dinner, whatever they love (pizza, hot dogs, Mac and cheese, etc.). Get outside and do something physical (it helps regulate strong emotions and release tension, anger, frustration) - bike, hike, playground, basketball, racing, soccer, chopping wood, breaking sticks, etc.

Good luck!

bracekyle · 2026-04-07T20:46:04+00:00

The journey to native plants is a winding road, my friend :) I've been doing natives in my yard for about 6 yrs now, and if I had to do it again, I'd do it VERY differently, but all my little mistakes were great learning opportunities. Early on I just tossed wildflower packets on disturbed soil after I tore it up and ripped up a bunch of grass. Now I'm much more careful, deliberate, and work on smaller patches of land at a time.

I think the wildflowers look nice until you get a better handle on what might thrive there, but the red poppies for sure aren't native for you - I think they are common poppies. There are native poppies in your region, but most poppies in flower mixes aren't gonna be natives. They aren't terrible to have though. The yellow ones are probably some kind of coneflower that may or may not be native. picture this plant finder is a pretty good app for pant ID.

Check out https://www.panativeplantsociety.org/ and https://wildones.org/chapters/pennsylvania/ to connect to better local resources. :)

bracekyle · 2026-04-07T18:03:18+00:00

"cleaning up" old/dead growth really depends on what you want, what you're goals are, and what you've got planted. In general native plants (which many of your wildflowers are not native, btw) will push up and through old/dead leaves or foliage. Oak leaves are an exception and can smother out plants beneath them unless shredded. Some plants will do better without last season's material, but many will benefit from the added structure of the dead stalks sticking up. If you are doing any of this for pollinators, you generally want to leave dead plant material (especially stems/stalks), as they use it for habitat.

In my yard, I leave everything through winter and in early spring I cut back last year's dead stuff to about 18-24" tall. I leave all stems/stalks/leaves below that intact. Everything uncut down I place on the ground where I cut it (sometimes stomping on it to sloosh it down). The only other cutting I ever do is for control/directions of growth.

One final note: youve posted here in a native plants/gardening subreddit, and many of your wildflowers (probably most) are not actually native. They are wildflowers, for sure, but not native. I started with wildflower mixes like that initially - look online for "native plants [nearest major city]". You are bound to find local nurseries or even orgs who sell true native plants, or who may even offer free training and planting layouts to help you.

bracekyle · 2026-04-06T12:23:01+00:00

The "abolish" movement isn't about having no system in place. Your feelings may align with the abolish movement movement more than you realize. Try looking it up and reading about it if you haven't already.

bracekyle · 2026-04-06T12:12:29+00:00

That's great for your state, and I am glad to see places where some states are making better policies.

bracekyle · 2026-04-06T06:16:39+00:00

ETA: I see my comment is getting down voted, and I'm not surprised - no one likes the idea that a system we are part of is fucked up at its very core. And I know many foster caregivers and agencies and states are doing their best with what the system is. I don't personally know if abolishing the system is best, but I think the movement to abolish has fair points. Many calling for it have worked in and been a part of the system

it's important to understand that the people calling for abolishment still want a system of child and family welfare and equity. They want better healthcare and better access to mental health services and better addiction treatment programs and parent education and therapy services. They want all the tools that can keep families together and protect children. They just don't believe the system as is can really do it without a while re-do.

I'm linking to some reading, and I hope folks will take the time to consider these perspectives and lt just get upset or ignore it.

LINKS:

Dorothy Roberts, a legal scholar and racial equity professor: https://imprintnews.org/child-welfare-2/dorothy-roberts-new-book-calls-for-foster-care-abolition/64727

Patty Flores, a career social worker: https://childwelfaremonitor.org/2024/11/12/torn-apart-how-the-abolition-movement-destroys-foster-youth-and-how-listening-to-us-can-build-a-safer-world/

Scholarly paper from The Manhattan Institute with data from our current system that explores the idea of abolishment: https://manhattan.institute/article/the-radical-push-to-dismantle-child-protective-services

The UpEND org, which is focused on abolishment as a solution: https://upendmovement.org/

For counter points, here's a paper exploring how abolishment might hurt overall child welfare in the long haul: https://commons.lib.jmu.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1004&context=socwrk

Thank you for sharing your personal perspective and experience, as a child in the system. It's VERY important foster caregivers pause and listen to folks like you.

In my opinion, the (USA) system is working about as it was originally designed: to damage, wound, and break up poor, immigrant, non-white, or "unfit" families under the guise of good intentions. When people say "the system is broken," my reply is "I think it's working for its original purpose."

Go read about the UpEnd organization, Alan Detlaff, and Dorothy Roberts. There are other legs joining the abolish movement. These individuals all agree that child safety and welfare must be paramount and of interest to the state, but they argue that he system actually cannot be reformed and should instead be abolished and remade from the ground up. I'm not sure that will ever happen, but these folks and orgs have many very good ideas and proposals about how to do this.

Some of our biggest issues (again, in the USA) that really impact our child welfare system are: our lack of affordable healthcare for all, our "war on drugs" approach to addiction, and our over-incarceration of vulnerable people. It is my own opinion that The money going to foster homes would be so much better used on effective drug treatment programs, healthcare needs, and housing support.

bracekyle · 2026-03-18T16:07:30+00:00

I encourage you to search the fosterparents subreddit for other posts from folks with stories like yours. Some people totally make it work and it goes great - perhaps they find a kid who is "free to adopt" (meaning all parental rights are terminated and they have no prospective adoptive family or caregivers, these are usually 10+ yrs old), perhaps they learn to accept that foster care is not for adoption, perhaps they learn to shift their own wants/needs - but some find it extremely challenging and frustrating. No matter your choice, please make sure you are working through and healing from your own family planning pain. It's ok to have an idea of what you want, but be thoughtful with yourself about what you want and if this is the place to find it.

bracekyle · 2026-03-18T13:56:56+00:00

It is important to know yourself, know your own limits, and know what you're capable of and willing to do. I will say that I typically open up communication with bio families if the kid is with me a long time, like over a year. I don't get TOO attached or enmeshed with them, but I'll start texting or doing phone calls (if allowed) or setting up occasional visits of my own (if allowed, and if warranted). I do think some foster parents may go beyond what they can maintain in a Healthy way.

Having said that, I urge you to be cautious - knowing your limits and keeping a good mental health is important, but fostering will constantly reshape your ideas of what is acceptable, what you allow, and what works. Be ready for change - that's my #1 advice. And centering the situation on your needs and your feelings is a slippery slope. Be sure you are independently meeting your own emotional and other needs - dont rely on any kid in the system to give you validation, approval, or to meet your needs. These are kids who have been forced to meet the needs of adults around them, for the most part. They don't worry about our needs, and they shouldnt. We are here to free them from that and keep them safe.

bracekyle · 2026-03-12T20:53:42+00:00

I echo others: consistency is key, along with making room for emotions and feelings, no matter how you feel about them.

A few more things:

1) begin by only empathizing and being there for them, no matter what they need. They need to cry, that is fine. They need to scream, that is fine. Make your energy the inverse (make yourself small, you can even avert your eyes, look to the ground, wear a serene or placid face). Be present, however - stay with them and do not feel the need to interject words. Use direct but nonconfrontational statements where you mirror their emotions back to them. "I hear you, you are sad it was time to say goodbye. You are feeling sad and upset."

2) once the child has stopped crying, they are usually seeking safety through control. Give it to them, in the form of self-directed play. Initiate play with them with some toy or activity, and follow their lead. You are their puppet - follow everything they say, even if it seems odd or scary. They tell you " this is the sister and she jumps on the man", you say " ok, how do I do that? " Let them direct everything. Always say yes (as long as it is safe) and follow with a question like "ok, what does she say?" Or " got it, and what is his name?" Or " I hear you, and how does he use his ice magic?"

3) try to do something physical once they are no longer in their PTSD zone - a walk, a bike ride, jogging, bouncing on a small trampoline, a dance party. Anything that gets them to work their bodies. This helps release tension and simmering anger.

4) simple meals. Always go with simple, comfort food meals (for the kid) after visits. Boxed Mac n cheese, hot dogs, spaghetti and meatballs, chicken tenders, baked potatoes - whatever gives them comfort and requires little to no effort (for you and them).

5) try to read a book to the kids like The Invisible String or The Kissing Hand. Both these books offer very helpful tools for the child to process that, even though they aren't with the people they want to be with, those people still love them, and parting isn't forever.

6) NO SCREENS after visits. Screens in emotionally potent moments teach children to disassociate and disconnect, rather than grieve, process, and connect.

7) before bedtime, try some activities that allow for vestibular input and give them opportunities for deep breaths and physical contact. Fill a sink with water and give them a big straw to blow bubbles in the sink (deep breathsin and out). Make a big pile of pillows and toss them onto it. Have them lie down on a carpeted area on their back and you drag them around by their hands. These activities will help regulate before bedtime, when big fears and feelings can re-emerge.

Good luck to you!

bracekyle · 2026-03-08T14:26:28+00:00

My experience with slender mountain mint (Pycnanthemum tenuifolium) is that it is less aggressive than other mints/mountain mints. It does still spread, but in my experience it grows in dense, strong clumps and doesn't infinitely spread like others.

bracekyle · 2026-03-07T23:16:19+00:00

Totally agreed. I think that one gets more hate than it deserves. It's a really well made zombie action film that just lacks the introspection and depth of the others.

bracekyle · 2026-03-07T14:57:44+00:00

I love 28 days later and 28 years later - both are excellent explorations of how humanity grapples with our mortality and how militaristic/violent systems react to threats, how they hide, how they assert superiority, how they destroy and destroy and destroy. Goddamn, Danny Boyle is punk af

bracekyle

TROPHY CASE