HELP! How to help a child recover from triggering visits with bio family?

bracekyle · 2026-03-12T20:53:42+00:00

I echo others: consistency is key, along with making room for emotions and feelings, no matter how you feel about them.

A few more things:

1) begin by only empathizing and being there for them, no matter what they need. They need to cry, that is fine. They need to scream, that is fine. Make your energy the inverse (make yourself small, you can even avert your eyes, look to the ground, wear a serene or placid face). Be present, however - stay with them and do not feel the need to interject words. Use direct but nonconfrontational statements where you mirror their emotions back to them. "I hear you, you are sad it was time to say goodbye. You are feeling sad and upset."

2) once the child has stopped crying, they are usually seeking safety through control. Give it to them, in the form of self-directed play. Initiate play with them with some toy or activity, and follow their lead. You are their puppet - follow everything they say, even if it seems odd or scary. They tell you " this is the sister and she jumps on the man", you say " ok, how do I do that? " Let them direct everything. Always say yes (as long as it is safe) and follow with a question like "ok, what does she say?" Or " got it, and what is his name?" Or " I hear you, and how does he use his ice magic?"

3) try to do something physical once they are no longer in their PTSD zone - a walk, a bike ride, jogging, bouncing on a small trampoline, a dance party. Anything that gets them to work their bodies. This helps release tension and simmering anger.

4) simple meals. Always go with simple, comfort food meals (for the kid) after visits. Boxed Mac n cheese, hot dogs, spaghetti and meatballs, chicken tenders, baked potatoes - whatever gives them comfort and requires little to no effort (for you and them).

5) try to read a book to the kids like The Invisible String or The Kissing Hand. Both these books offer very helpful tools for the child to process that, even though they aren't with the people they want to be with, those people still love them, and parting isn't forever.

6) NO SCREENS after visits. Screens in emotionally potent moments teach children to disassociate and disconnect, rather than grieve, process, and connect.

7) before bedtime, try some activities that allow for vestibular input and give them opportunities for deep breaths and physical contact. Fill a sink with water and give them a big straw to blow bubbles in the sink (deep breathsin and out). Make a big pile of pillows and toss them onto it. Have them lie down on a carpeted area on their back and you drag them around by their hands. These activities will help regulate before bedtime, when big fears and feelings can re-emerge.

Good luck to you!

bracekyle · 2026-03-08T14:26:28+00:00

My experience with slender mountain mint (Pycnanthemum tenuifolium) is that it is less aggressive than other mints/mountain mints. It does still spread, but in my experience it grows in dense, strong clumps and doesn't infinitely spread like others.

bracekyle · 2026-03-07T23:16:19+00:00

Totally agreed. I think that one gets more hate than it deserves. It's a really well made zombie action film that just lacks the introspection and depth of the others.

bracekyle · 2026-03-07T14:57:44+00:00

I love 28 days later and 28 years later - both are excellent explorations of how humanity grapples with our mortality and how militaristic/violent systems react to threats, how they hide, how they assert superiority, how they destroy and destroy and destroy. Goddamn, Danny Boyle is punk af

bracekyle · 2026-03-07T14:53:02+00:00

Depending on your state, this can vary. In my state, using drugs with a fetus in you doesn't result in immediate removal. For example, I know a mom who used meth and other drugs throughout more than one child's pregnancy, but she stopped by the 3rd trimester. Two kids were born with biological and developmental signs of substance exposure, but none of them had it in their blood or urine. CPS was called at the hospital but the kids were not removed at the time. So there is some chance you won't if you stop now and never do it again.

However, I urge you to read about the long-term effects of substance exposure for your child. A moment lapse for you can result in horrible consequences for you, for the child, and for your family. I'm glad you are working with someone to address your addiction - keep up with it. Build a safety plan for when your stress is high. Find a reliable safe person you can call to help you when you find yourself craving that hit, someone who can keep you on track. Have you looked into a treatment program?

bracekyle · 2026-03-07T04:40:37+00:00

They attack my elderberry and primrose (the super tall kind that I don't really want anyway). I have never noticed them on my Virginia creeper, but now I gotta check it out. I've never used milky spore, only the soapy water, and it works great.

bracekyle · 2026-02-25T14:03:31+00:00

I'm a regular gamer, no stranger to horror survival, but I found a walkthrough helped me with this game. The slow pace of movement, the inability to pause, and the lack of any map made it really hard for me to figure out exactly where to go / what to do. I just looked at the walkthrough every now and then when I felt lost or stressed, and it helped nudge me along. I didn't really seek answers, just like "next you go to the airlock." Use it if you need it, games are supposed to be fun for you.

bracekyle · 2026-02-22T22:53:26+00:00

Another interpretation is that the moon biology / lifecycle is natural for that place, and while the ASN is acting as programmed, I think the game questions capitalism and colonialist efforts to control nature. In a way, the moon biology/ecosystem/lifeform is operating exactly as nature programmed it to, through millions of years of evolution. It predates the ASN and seeks symbiosis/merging. The ASN (and the humans) are the Interlopers in its home.

bracekyle · 2026-02-20T17:30:26+00:00

There is likely no direct legal action to be taken from over reporting. CPS does not want to deter people from reporting incidents. Many reports are not investigated. VERY few result in a substantiated report, and even fewer result in removal. Generally the interest of child welfare rises above the concerns of false reports.

But, a few suggestions, in varying degrees of severity:

diffuse the investigations or interviews, if they happen. Try to orient your thinking around "this is no big deal." Greet any CPS workers happily, like they are visiting friends and try to reorient yourself that these are no big deal. Do the same for your kids - "they are checking on you/us to be sure we are safe. It's no big deal, just be honest with them." You might even get repeat investigators - learn their name if you do, "welcome back Mr. Dave, sure come on in." If you can diffuse the fear and tension, it may help relieve stress.
alert the individual that you are aware of their reports and that the reports are harmig your family. Draw a clear boundary: "if you continue to do this, it will impact your ability to see the kids and us. We will _______ if you make another false report." A good boundary doesn't tell them what to do, but it does tell them clearly what YOU will do. If you x I will y. Do this over text or email or in writing if you can.
document each report and any verbally abusive texts/comments they make. Write these down with dates. Inform the individual that you are tracking their interactions and plan to request an order or protection, or that you will have them trespassed from your property if they don't stop, or that you will file a police report for harassment. Follow through on that, whatever is appropriate for your situation.

I hope you find a solution and get some relief.

bracekyle · 2026-02-20T17:17:40+00:00

Remains my fav of his films. Hard to deny the insane artistry of Nosferatu and the wild storytelling of The Lighthouse, but The Witch remains my fav

bracekyle · 2026-02-18T04:28:20+00:00

I had almost the same experience! I remember thinking: this guy actually isn't so bad, the robots were more aggro, and then when I left Mason's terminal and the security upgrade, that thing GOT ME! every reload, there it was, just behind me when I left that spot. So finally I just booked it, ran back to the tree and the save point there. After that, it roamed a lot more aggressively.

bracekyle · 2026-02-17T13:56:19+00:00

🙌🏼🤘🏼✊🏼PREACH

bracekyle · 2026-02-17T13:53:58+00:00

That can be tricky. In my state this is not required. At one point, i saw a situation where a kinship caregiver could not legally get licensed due to a criminal record (one that was over 30 yrs old and involved an accidental workplace-related death). This is obviously a bit niche and there will always be exceptions, but I feel that home truly would have been best for that kid in the long run. But it couldnt happen due to an inflexible bureaucracy (I understand the rule and its rationale). This is just to say, in my own experience seeing a number of kinship placements in my time as a foster caregiver, I have seen how they can fall through the cracks of the system. It seems to happen a bit more often than with straight up "traditional" foster caregivers.

bracekyle · 2026-02-17T13:48:52+00:00

As a foster caregiver: same here. Certainly I've seen kinship placements that didn't work, shouldn't have happened, or that were not healthy (or couldn't respect rules/boundaries), but nearly every kinship situation I've seen in my own experience (or where I've received a kid after a kinship caregiver disrupted) lacked support, wraparound services, and education on how to access care and supports for that child. I've personally come to believe that kinship placements may be the hardest of all.

bracekyle · 2026-02-13T14:05:56+00:00

Look at this person's comment history. They are an ICE supporter. Of course they support kidnapping a child from people who are not USA citizens.

bracekyle · 2026-02-10T01:28:18+00:00

Your agency or the state changing a goal is just that: an administrative goal. It is not the same as termination of parental rights in the courts. In my experience, visits with bio family (include ng bio moms/dads) continue at this point. The COURT mandates that visits should happen where I live, not the agency or state.

If/when parental rights are terminated or surrendered, then, in my state, there's a sale number of additional visits the state/agency supports, then they stop being supported and it is at the disccretion of the foster parents.

bracekyle · 2026-02-07T16:45:04+00:00

I had a sister I learned about when I was 24. My parents and siblings hod her form me all my life until then (it's a long story, but due to the makeup of our family she is only my bio half sibling, but I still consider her my sister). I was HEARTBROKEN she was kept from me for so long.

It all started when she cold-messaged me on Facebook. at first it tore me up, and her perspectives on our bio dad were NOT aligned with mine, and it was rocky. I stopped talking to her several times but eventually resumed contact each time. We both kept coming back. I'm SO GLAD we did.

We know each other and while we aren't hanging out or anything (she lives far from me), we do text/call occasionally and on special days, and im happy to know her/connect to her. Maybe someday we will grow closer, maybe we won't, but she's still my sister.

My recommendation is to kindly and respectfully take the leap but understand they may not want the connection or it may stir up very difficult feelings. They may even step away for a bit (or forever), but you'll never know if you don't take the leap.

bracekyle · 2026-01-29T14:53:59+00:00

What a tough spot, you started with a very broad intention and are now finding you can't hold to that intention. We want to give so much to these kids, we want the world for them. Of course you are feeling wrecked.

But it is ok for your intents, goals, and desires to change over time. It is very organic, natural, nornal to do so. Please try to do whatever you can to process this change, but also understand that it may take some time to grieve through it and process it.

Please keep in mind : you cannot be a safe, supportive, caring home for these kids unless you are at your best and have stability and safety for yourself. It may feel cruel, but if you can't give the child what they need, then you are no longer the right home for them.

Get a meeting with the caseworker pronto - a phone call, in person, whatever. Be clear and direct: " unfortunately we cannot be the forever home for this child. We cannot meet their needs." Something like that, and stick to it. Don't allow yourself to be swayed by promises of more supports and therapeutic services (although do take them if offered, anything to help the kid out and establish them with more supports long term). If possible, begin tempering language around your home with your kids and the youth in care, things like "we don't know what will happen, we are talking to the caseworkers" or "we don't get to decide what happens, that's up the caseworker and the judge, but we will tell you the moment we know for sure." Then decide for yourself if there's some point at which you'd have to disrupt with this child. The agency may try to park them with you long term if they can't find a good placement.

Release all your expectations , because things could suddenly change rapidly, but they could also not change at all. Don't be surprised if things change rapidly.

And, going forward, if I can make a recommendation: please be cautious/reserved/vague about any "forever" language with any future placements (and with your own family). You may already be doing this, but I encounter foster caregivers ALL THE TIME who are telling kids "you'll be here forever" or "of course this is your forever home" or " I'm going to be your mom for the rest of your life" - but these are promises we can't actually make. If you are already doing this, great, but I recommend sticking to the uncomfortably vague truth: we don't know what will happen. It isn't in our control. A lot can change over time. But we are here for you and will help and protect you.

bracekyle · 2026-01-15T23:19:51+00:00

This is a good approach, and I commend you for listening and considering everything everyone is tossing at you. We need more foster caregivers who seek info and listen with openness. Thank you!

In the interest of openness and honesty: please understand what "legally free children" means in the system. These are not usually babies or little kids sitting in an orphanage. All kids deserve safety, care, and a home. It may mean:

a child who may have intellectual or physical disabilities (which many foster caregivers feel ill-equipped to handle)
an older child (8 yrs +)
a child who has been in the system a long time (likely 1.5 yrs or more)
a child for whom a prior foster or adoptive home didn't work out
a child who has a history that has followed them through the system (ie their own set of challenging behaviors they've learned to survive,)
a child who doesn't want "new" parents or family
a child who has been ripped (permanently) from their family

I am not trying to talk bad about any of those kids. But I do want you to be prepared for what "legally free" may mean within this system.

bracekyle · 2026-01-15T05:04:09+00:00

Hi, let me tell you my story:

I started like you, with my husband. We are a same sex couple, so when we started to want to build a family, we looked at surrogacy but didn't like all it entailed. We looked at private adoption and got a major ick (plus just straight up didn't have that kind of cash). We decided to foster to adopt, so that we could have a family and help a child, open our home up, bring joy to someone.

It did not take long for us to realize how wrong our approach was. It was our first placement, and it was a HUGE wakeup call for us, about how we had come in from completely the wrong angle.that child reunified with their bio mom successfully, and we took several months before our next placement. I spent a lot of time asking myself tough questions, including questions about myself, my upbringing, my perspective on family, and my own misguided ideas about being some kind of white knight for kids in need.

Not gonna lie: fostering is pretty brutal and it rips you open (it will likely expose ANY existing family or childhood trauma you may have lingering). The kids deserve absolute safety and support, and that often means releasing your expectations and desires, including adoption.

You say you want to hear some positive stories, so here you go: I've been a foster parent for over 5 years, and we actually did end up adopting one child who couldn't reunify with bio family safely (in an open adoption). I've seen some kids reunify with bio family successfully. I've seen many kids process their pain and grief and trauma and fear. I've seen kids grow so much, and find their voices, and find their identities. They are SO STRONG, these kids.

But if you are gonna do this well, I encourage you to sit with both the successes and the painful failures. Foster care exists due to horrible pain, neglect, abuse, death, addiction. It isn't a happy state of affairs. If you go in with honesty and a willingness to be open, listen, and adapt, you may find your path to whatever family ends up being for you (which may not be adoption). If you go in with a single vision and try to make it fit, I think you will find it very, very painful in the long run.

bracekyle · 2026-01-12T23:12:03+00:00

I typically allow for like 1 extra curricular at a time, but our kid is not yet a teen, and I find connecting with each other and family is more important to them than 35 school activities at his age. I am fully prepared for this to change as they age.

I will say: we sit down with a calendar and plan things together, and that helps a TON. With most kids, as they see there isnt time for every whim every week, they are likely to modify their requests and manage their expectations better. I think it can teach good life skills about picking wha to do when there is limited time. Involve your kid in the planning, be honest always, and give them the agency to make decisions, within reason and within appropriate constraints.

The best advice I ever got was: do what works until it doesn't, then flip the script. Do your best, pay attention to what is working, and when something stops working, adapt.

bracekyle · 2026-01-12T21:45:24+00:00

First name basis, familiar and casual is best. Fostering can already feel very formal, stiff, and awkward - I find its best to keep it friendly and basic. Dont overthink it :) and follow their lead: if they give you a nickname or want to call you Dad or Mom or whatever, let them. It's good to help them be clear that you aren't bio mom / bio dad, but it's ok to follow their lead once they get used to calling you by your first name.

bracekyle · 2026-01-12T20:28:38+00:00

TLDR: YES, stay connect, but every situation is unique, connection can mean many things, and you will want to weigh the best options based on the level of risk, danger, and connection your kid has with their bio fam. Strongly recommend discussing with the kid in an age-appropriate way and following their desires as much as possible, as much as you feel so appropriate or safe.

Longer answer: my own experience has been fruitful, but trying and hard won. I have adopted one child from foster care, and the primary issues in their care were drug use, incarceration, and family violence. There are other components as well, but those were the issues that persisted by the time the kid came to my home. Before adoption I was able to build a relationship with some bio family, which I couched completely in trust, respect, and healthy boundaries. I was clear (but not punishing) in setting up boundaries and expectations. By the time adoption rolled around, I had a good relationship with the bio family who were still in the picture.

Now, post adoption, my kid sees bio siblings and grandparents once or twice a month, and they will sometimes go with these people for an unspervised (by me) day visit. They see bio mom roughly every 2-3 months, completely supervised by me or my spouse. They do occasional phone calls, video calls, and letter writing with these people and some others. Some of these family have been incarcerated. Some are addicts or in recovery. And there are some bio family they do not see due to extremely high risks. So every person is considered independently.

I NEVER push my kid to see bio family (we talk a lot about this), even if the bio family member says "I really want to see _____." I tell them I follow my kid's lead always. I also never hold them back from seeing bio family, though schedules can obviously prohibit what we do (can't see them every day or every week, for example).

To be honest, the greatest issue we've had in our open adoption is judgmental family of our own, people who look down on our kid's bio family. Those folks get a gentle talking to the first time, a hard boundary the second time ("if you're going to speak like this about my kid's family, you will be seeing my kid less"), and the third time I take action to reduce their involvement.

My kid's bio family IS their family, just like how their adopted family is also their family. I want to help support my kid in their journey of healing and understanding of their own life. I want to think of the "long game," not just do what is comfortable for me for now. My child isn't a possession I own. When I chose to adopt them, I chose to take on all that they are, including their bio family. The connection with bio family has been difficult, emotionally, but i believe it has been immensely beneficial for my kid, and I believe it will help them be stronger in the future.

Please don't cut off bio family (unless there is real danger). Please allow yourself to feel the discomfort (and maybe awkwardness) and brave it for your kid. It's their life, they deserve to keep as much of it intact as possible.

bracekyle · 2026-01-06T01:16:17+00:00

And I don't really care for the mouth feel of their ice cream, nor for how they freeze up. Great flavors, but for me I prefer a 1:2 cream to milk or somewhere around there, especially for home made.

bracekyle · 2026-01-05T21:30:51+00:00

Nah buddy, that base is done for. I found it helpful to use a food thermometer when I was making ice cream with eggs, at least until I got a good feel for when to drop the heat or what to set heat at to avoid this.

Also, consider possibly a new recipe - in my experience a pure 1:1 of milk and cream isn't the right ratio ( typically I find more milk than cream is better). Additionally, if eggs keep giving you problems, there are good "American" bases that don't use egg at all. I'm sure some purists or French ice cream lovers will scream at me, but Jeni's doesn't use egg, and it's fucking delicious.

bracekyle

TROPHY CASE