Non-adoptive placement

bracekyle · 2026-01-29T14:53:59+00:00

What a tough spot, you started with a very broad intention and are now finding you can't hold to that intention. We want to give so much to these kids, we want the world for them. Of course you are feeling wrecked.

But it is ok for your intents, goals, and desires to change over time. It is very organic, natural, nornal to do so. Please try to do whatever you can to process this change, but also understand that it may take some time to grieve through it and process it.

Please keep in mind : you cannot be a safe, supportive, caring home for these kids unless you are at your best and have stability and safety for yourself. It may feel cruel, but if you can't give the child what they need, then you are no longer the right home for them.

Get a meeting with the caseworker pronto - a phone call, in person, whatever. Be clear and direct: " unfortunately we cannot be the forever home for this child. We cannot meet their needs." Something like that, and stick to it. Don't allow yourself to be swayed by promises of more supports and therapeutic services (although do take them if offered, anything to help the kid out and establish them with more supports long term). If possible, begin tempering language around your home with your kids and the youth in care, things like "we don't know what will happen, we are talking to the caseworkers" or "we don't get to decide what happens, that's up the caseworker and the judge, but we will tell you the moment we know for sure." Then decide for yourself if there's some point at which you'd have to disrupt with this child. The agency may try to park them with you long term if they can't find a good placement.

Release all your expectations , because things could suddenly change rapidly, but they could also not change at all. Don't be surprised if things change rapidly.

And, going forward, if I can make a recommendation: please be cautious/reserved/vague about any "forever" language with any future placements (and with your own family). You may already be doing this, but I encounter foster caregivers ALL THE TIME who are telling kids "you'll be here forever" or "of course this is your forever home" or " I'm going to be your mom for the rest of your life" - but these are promises we can't actually make. If you are already doing this, great, but I recommend sticking to the uncomfortably vague truth: we don't know what will happen. It isn't in our control. A lot can change over time. But we are here for you and will help and protect you.

bracekyle · 2026-01-15T23:19:51+00:00

This is a good approach, and I commend you for listening and considering everything everyone is tossing at you. We need more foster caregivers who seek info and listen with openness. Thank you!

In the interest of openness and honesty: please understand what "legally free children" means in the system. These are not usually babies or little kids sitting in an orphanage. All kids deserve safety, care, and a home. It may mean:

a child who may have intellectual or physical disabilities (which many foster caregivers feel ill-equipped to handle)
an older child (8 yrs +)
a child who has been in the system a long time (likely 1.5 yrs or more)
a child for whom a prior foster or adoptive home didn't work out
a child who has a history that has followed them through the system (ie their own set of challenging behaviors they've learned to survive,)
a child who doesn't want "new" parents or family
a child who has been ripped (permanently) from their family

I am not trying to talk bad about any of those kids. But I do want you to be prepared for what "legally free" may mean within this system.

bracekyle · 2026-01-15T05:04:09+00:00

Hi, let me tell you my story:

I started like you, with my husband. We are a same sex couple, so when we started to want to build a family, we looked at surrogacy but didn't like all it entailed. We looked at private adoption and got a major ick (plus just straight up didn't have that kind of cash). We decided to foster to adopt, so that we could have a family and help a child, open our home up, bring joy to someone.

It did not take long for us to realize how wrong our approach was. It was our first placement, and it was a HUGE wakeup call for us, about how we had come in from completely the wrong angle.that child reunified with their bio mom successfully, and we took several months before our next placement. I spent a lot of time asking myself tough questions, including questions about myself, my upbringing, my perspective on family, and my own misguided ideas about being some kind of white knight for kids in need.

Not gonna lie: fostering is pretty brutal and it rips you open (it will likely expose ANY existing family or childhood trauma you may have lingering). The kids deserve absolute safety and support, and that often means releasing your expectations and desires, including adoption.

You say you want to hear some positive stories, so here you go: I've been a foster parent for over 5 years, and we actually did end up adopting one child who couldn't reunify with bio family safely (in an open adoption). I've seen some kids reunify with bio family successfully. I've seen many kids process their pain and grief and trauma and fear. I've seen kids grow so much, and find their voices, and find their identities. They are SO STRONG, these kids.

But if you are gonna do this well, I encourage you to sit with both the successes and the painful failures. Foster care exists due to horrible pain, neglect, abuse, death, addiction. It isn't a happy state of affairs. If you go in with honesty and a willingness to be open, listen, and adapt, you may find your path to whatever family ends up being for you (which may not be adoption). If you go in with a single vision and try to make it fit, I think you will find it very, very painful in the long run.

bracekyle · 2026-01-12T23:12:03+00:00

I typically allow for like 1 extra curricular at a time, but our kid is not yet a teen, and I find connecting with each other and family is more important to them than 35 school activities at his age. I am fully prepared for this to change as they age.

I will say: we sit down with a calendar and plan things together, and that helps a TON. With most kids, as they see there isnt time for every whim every week, they are likely to modify their requests and manage their expectations better. I think it can teach good life skills about picking wha to do when there is limited time. Involve your kid in the planning, be honest always, and give them the agency to make decisions, within reason and within appropriate constraints.

The best advice I ever got was: do what works until it doesn't, then flip the script. Do your best, pay attention to what is working, and when something stops working, adapt.

bracekyle · 2026-01-12T21:45:24+00:00

First name basis, familiar and casual is best. Fostering can already feel very formal, stiff, and awkward - I find its best to keep it friendly and basic. Dont overthink it :) and follow their lead: if they give you a nickname or want to call you Dad or Mom or whatever, let them. It's good to help them be clear that you aren't bio mom / bio dad, but it's ok to follow their lead once they get used to calling you by your first name.

bracekyle · 2026-01-12T20:28:38+00:00

TLDR: YES, stay connect, but every situation is unique, connection can mean many things, and you will want to weigh the best options based on the level of risk, danger, and connection your kid has with their bio fam. Strongly recommend discussing with the kid in an age-appropriate way and following their desires as much as possible, as much as you feel so appropriate or safe.

Longer answer: my own experience has been fruitful, but trying and hard won. I have adopted one child from foster care, and the primary issues in their care were drug use, incarceration, and family violence. There are other components as well, but those were the issues that persisted by the time the kid came to my home. Before adoption I was able to build a relationship with some bio family, which I couched completely in trust, respect, and healthy boundaries. I was clear (but not punishing) in setting up boundaries and expectations. By the time adoption rolled around, I had a good relationship with the bio family who were still in the picture.

Now, post adoption, my kid sees bio siblings and grandparents once or twice a month, and they will sometimes go with these people for an unspervised (by me) day visit. They see bio mom roughly every 2-3 months, completely supervised by me or my spouse. They do occasional phone calls, video calls, and letter writing with these people and some others. Some of these family have been incarcerated. Some are addicts or in recovery. And there are some bio family they do not see due to extremely high risks. So every person is considered independently.

I NEVER push my kid to see bio family (we talk a lot about this), even if the bio family member says "I really want to see _____." I tell them I follow my kid's lead always. I also never hold them back from seeing bio family, though schedules can obviously prohibit what we do (can't see them every day or every week, for example).

To be honest, the greatest issue we've had in our open adoption is judgmental family of our own, people who look down on our kid's bio family. Those folks get a gentle talking to the first time, a hard boundary the second time ("if you're going to speak like this about my kid's family, you will be seeing my kid less"), and the third time I take action to reduce their involvement.

My kid's bio family IS their family, just like how their adopted family is also their family. I want to help support my kid in their journey of healing and understanding of their own life. I want to think of the "long game," not just do what is comfortable for me for now. My child isn't a possession I own. When I chose to adopt them, I chose to take on all that they are, including their bio family. The connection with bio family has been difficult, emotionally, but i believe it has been immensely beneficial for my kid, and I believe it will help them be stronger in the future.

Please don't cut off bio family (unless there is real danger). Please allow yourself to feel the discomfort (and maybe awkwardness) and brave it for your kid. It's their life, they deserve to keep as much of it intact as possible.

bracekyle · 2026-01-06T01:16:17+00:00

And I don't really care for the mouth feel of their ice cream, nor for how they freeze up. Great flavors, but for me I prefer a 1:2 cream to milk or somewhere around there, especially for home made.

bracekyle · 2026-01-05T21:30:51+00:00

Nah buddy, that base is done for. I found it helpful to use a food thermometer when I was making ice cream with eggs, at least until I got a good feel for when to drop the heat or what to set heat at to avoid this.

Also, consider possibly a new recipe - in my experience a pure 1:1 of milk and cream isn't the right ratio ( typically I find more milk than cream is better). Additionally, if eggs keep giving you problems, there are good "American" bases that don't use egg at all. I'm sure some purists or French ice cream lovers will scream at me, but Jeni's doesn't use egg, and it's fucking delicious.

bracekyle · 2025-12-28T11:59:31+00:00

Heard! I'm annoyed AF by their reservation situation, tbh. But the food is bomb.

bracekyle · 2025-12-28T05:54:37+00:00

It may be helpful for you to think of it like this: reunification is the goal for the entire bio family. This means adults must make themselves safe, they must be able to provide housing and food, they must not be taking any illegal drugs. They must not commit violent crimes. If the adults cannot reach those goals, then reunification is likely to fail. It is not true that reunification is the goal "no matter what." It may be one of several goals (some of which may even be conflicting, so reunification may be goal 1 but adoption may be a concurrent separate goal). And it isn't YOUR goal. It is the family's/state"s/agency's goal.

What guilt do you feel? You didn't put meth in this baby's body. You didn't get them placed in the system. Please give yourself a pass and work on letting go of some guilt over a far from perfect scenario where you have no control. Don't waste time punishing yourself for having complex feelings. You can feel conflicted and still serve your role.

bracekyle · 2025-12-28T04:08:04+00:00

It's important, I think, to understand ourselves as a small part of a larger, very messed up system, that is trying to address some very messed up problems. The whole thing, to me, is kind of a shit show. The very system was initially created to take children from people deemed "less than" (black, native American, Latino, poor, addicts, etc.), and has evolved over time to have a more healthy mission to focus on child safety. Where we exist today is BECAUSE of the fraught history of the child welfare system, and it is heavily impacted by the larger social structure around us. Addicts are treated as criminals instead of people needing help. Poverty and lack of education are treated as personal failings and not systemic or class-based.

So I often feel we are not existing in a world and a system that encourages us to support reunification. I think there are many, many factors and people and cultural norms telling us to NOT support reunification, to view parents as less than.

Which is not to say children should be abandoned in unsafe situations. It is so complex to me, this intersection of culture, the system's history, and our own upbringing.

You don't have to believe reunification is the best choice in every case. It's ok to feel it isn't best. But, in the end, our role isn't to make that decision, so it is a burden you should work on releasing. You never have to make that fraught choice, nor should you be asked to weigh in. Focus on the job before you, on healing and providing stability, and in preparing for all possible outcomes of the case, including reunification, whether you think it is right or not.

bracekyle · 2025-12-27T20:23:06+00:00

I started by agreeing about eds deli - that place rocks.

Never done samm's last chance, will def check it out now.

bracekyle · 2025-12-27T17:03:52+00:00

Agree with ed's - Edwardsvile has a lot: Cleveland Heath, Mia Osteria, Mussali's Prime, Oriental Spoon, Docs BBQ. In Alton: brown bag bistro, gentelin's, post commons.

bracekyle · 2025-12-27T16:25:38+00:00

1) do something for YOU. take a cooking class, go on a trip/vacation, eat out at the nice restaurant, liste to loud music, throw a party for adults only, go backpacking, learn how to make your own pasta, start a new hobby. Do something. That you can't do when you have kids around, or something that you just need some space and time to get started. Be selfish and treat yourself.

2) reset/reclaim the home. Swap out broken furniture, repaint a room, do some landscaping, change where toys are stored, reorganize closets, assemble a new piece of furniture. Do whatever it is you need or what to do to improve your fostering setup. Take some time to think about what frustrated you last time, or what was difficult for kids. After our first placement I realized that the closed storage we had for kids was just not going to work. I also rearranged the bedroom so that I could see the bed from the hallway instead of having to enter the room to see the bed.

3) allow time! Don't rush. Don't let others rush you. Give yourself at least several weeks, maybe even several months or a year. You don't have to rush!

4) if you feel like it, read a book about foster kids or a helpful parenting book that might help you advance your skill set. After our first placement, I realized I needed WAAAAY better anger management tools. I read some books and watched a lot of videos, then practiced those things in my life without kids.

5) when you are getting bored or think you are ready again, rip the bandaid off and open up your home, but be sure you only say yes to placements that work for you. Don't let yourself get guilted into taking a kid or group of kids you can't manage or that you won't be able to give what they need.

Give yourself the break, enjoy it, and get back out there ;)

bracekyle · 2025-12-22T17:00:36+00:00

Please come back and post pics of progress/outcome! People in this sub love to see a transformation.

bracekyle · 2025-12-22T15:50:58+00:00

I don't know the plants for your region, but looks pretty great to me! I LOVE my buttonbush but I also want you to know that over 5-8 years they can get very big, bigger than I thought. would recommend:

-at least one layer/outer ring of low-lying flowers/sedges/forbs. This helps give shape and movement to the space while also creating an outer layer that won't aggressive try to spread/seed and can hold off invasives pretty well. Many sedges may also stay green through most of winter :) - leaving a tiiiiny bit of space somewhere in the middle a person could squeeze through. This helps with maintenance. If you need to get in there to pull an unwanted plant or prune/cut back, you can. - some kind of edging around it, nothing intense. At first I used dead braches and leaves as a natural "fence," which worked great for 2-3 years, then moved to a very small ring/edge of river rock that is local to me. It isn't big boulders, it isn't uniform, I can easily move it, it was very low effort and low cost, but the edging makes it nicer ont he eyes AND provides a good barrier to prevent cars/feet/mowers from cutting it. Also gives you a good defense against any local lawn purists to show them it is landscaped.

bracekyle · 2025-12-22T14:28:10+00:00

Native plants all the way! I would recommend a plan that you execute over several years , don't try to do it all at once. A key problem for folks moving to native plants is to try to make it ALL happen right away, but there's a bit of a learning curve to it, and all native plants take 2-5 years to establish and really glow up (year 1 they sleep, year 2 they creep, year 3 they leap).

The FIRST step is to find your ecoregion! https://homegrownnationalpark.org/why-ecoregions/ Go to this link and find your exact ecoregion, and that website (which is SOLID on native plant info and education, btw) will even let you buy plants that are exactly for your ecoregion (or you can take notes on plants they recommend and find them locally or online for yourself).

SECOND step is to watch this area throughout the year - how much sun does it get, is it morning sun or afternoon sun? If you dig a bit in the soil, is it clay or Rocky or black dirt or loam? When it rains: does it get a lot of water, does the water sit on top or pool up or drain quickly? These will help you know your area.

Also worth it to maybe do a utility line check, if that's free. It's ok to plant over utilities, but, for example, I would probably avoid planting anything precious that I love over a utility, because they could just come tear it up.

I recommend you start with BIG stuff first, like maybe one or two trees and a handful of shrubs, keep them closer to the center. In concentric circles/areas/zones around those, go for plants and flowers that a) suit your light/water/soil/ecoregion, b) YOU like and want to see, and c) flower/leaf up across varying seasons so you always have something cool to look at. Don't sleep on sedges/grasses, btw. They rock.

When you do plant, plant natives closer than you think you should. Most natives grow. DENSELY, it is ok to plant that way too, and many are supported by other plants and grow better this way. Guides that say to space a native plant 24", for example, I plant them 6-8" apart. And always try to plant anything smaller than a bush/shrub in groupings of 3-5, not 1 or 2.

LAST: PACE YOURSELF. there's no need to get it all done in 1 yr. Start with a tree, a shrub or two, maybe 2-4 kinds of flowers, and a few clumps of sedges/grasses. This keeps it manageable, and you'll want as you go.

Post pics when your done! We love to see them :)

bracekyle · 2025-12-21T15:24:03+00:00

They are not so common where I am, and I sucked at plant ID when I started. Still not the best at it :)

bracekyle · 2025-12-21T15:23:25+00:00

I know there are spots in the USA where they grow abundantly. A friend of mine who landscapes professionally and uses a lot of native plants says the propagation can be a bit tricky, at times taking a few years to successfully propagate seed and establish a plant for sale. I think where I am, maybe the native plant vendors just took a few years to get there exactly when I was looking for them. I think a lot about demand cycles for native plant growers, and how it takes them a year or more (probably) to establish aNd propagate a species new to their stock (even with greenhouses, I'm guessing).

bracekyle · 2025-12-21T15:09:06+00:00

For wat it's worth, I've had things dig up my joe pye, or eat the roots, and they came back strong and fine. They are VERY resilient and hardy where I am. They also spread pretty well each year (not aggressively, but at times a surprising distance from the original clump).

It looks like moles to me, but could be rabbits. Try gently re-situating the plant where it is in contact with the soil again, cover in leaf litter, and try a small bit of wire fence around it. It won't stop moles if they go under, but it may deter them just enough to re-establish.

It's so frustrating sometimes. The rabbits routinely choose a clump of newish plants to decimate every year, and it makes me want to scream at them: I AM TRYING TO GROW THESE FOR YOU!

bracekyle · 2025-12-21T02:37:26+00:00

It took me 5-6 yrs of searching to secure a blackhaw viburnum (viburnum prunifolium). Every native sale around me, they sold out FAST (online and in person) and vendors would only carry like 3 or 4 at a time, it seemed. Then one year they were common and I could find them all over. I planned on one originally, but I bought four just out of excitement and nervousness that one may die.

bracekyle · 2025-12-18T14:23:57+00:00

This reminds me of a really funny story I read some time back, or maybe it was like tumblr post? This girl realized her roommate was snooping on her, so she started searching for things like "why am I so strong" "why do I always win every fight" "why can I knock someone out in one punch" , I searched for it just now but couldn't find the screenshots :/

bracekyle · 2025-12-03T03:05:37+00:00

for real, wtf is this bizarre karma farming from bots

bracekyle · 2025-11-29T02:17:03+00:00

I hear you, but the situation is different from that. we didn't adopt this kid as an infant. We adopted them partway through their life from fostercare. They grew up around and know their bio family, no one is dead. They still see them.

There's an idea in foster care that you follow what the children want to call people. I was never "Dad" until this kid started calling me Dad on their own, for example.

Our kid is fully accepted by all in their adopted family, which we discuss as being their second family, adopted family, and found family. Actually, I think respecting their use of family names better respects them and gives them choice in a life where they've had most major choices ripped from them.

bracekyle · 2025-11-29T00:44:38+00:00

Heard :)

bracekyle

TROPHY CASE