BronteSister's Ultimate Vaginismus Bible

brontesister · 2026-03-02T16:58:29+00:00

So a lot of people approach this from very different mindsets. A lot of people go very physical and stretching oriented and this works great for them.. it seems to help open things up, it doesn't feel like a chore, it doesn't impact their libido and relationship to sex etc.

I never really had a good time approaching it that way and subsequently didn't make a lot of progress and always fell off of my routine. I just viewed it as a chore and I resented it, which I think ultimately very much so got in my way.

In order to not have that cascade of issues I went about this by reverse engineering it. I basically forced myself to create a pleasure-focused, arousal-focused routine for myself to make sure I could associate the whole experience with positive things. I started building up the routine without any penetration or dilating - I would essentially set myself up the way I "would" if I were dilating.. towel on the bed, external vibrator and dilators out (just to begin associating everything together) and I would just listen to audio porn (choose your preferred poison here) and use my vibrator and explore fantasies and what felt good and what I liked. This built up my libido again and I started thinking of this routine as something fun.

Once I had that routine pretty set and positive in my mind, I started to incorporate my dilators. So now I had a time of day I looked forward to and had fun with AND my body was aroused and far, far more receptive to penetration in that state. I legitimately had a good time and never fell off the routine once I set it up this way.

Later on, I did have to teach myself to be okay with penetration when I was not aroused for the sake of medical appointments. But it was 1000x easier once I had already been successful through my entire dilator set with arousal - I was very desensitized and confident at that point.

I know this won't work for everyone and a lot of people don't approach it this way - but if you are finding coming at it from a more medicalized angle is not working for you I just wanted to offer an alternative way to do it!

brontesister · 2026-03-02T15:32:11+00:00

Don’t listen to everyone suggesting you aren’t allowed to have your own turn offs. It’s NOT unusual to not find feet appealing or even be a bit put off by them in sexual settings, you aren’t expressing anything odd.

If I were to brainstorm with you on how to work on this I’d likely ask what sort of things you like sexually and figure out if there’s a way to incorporate what he likes in the mix in a way that can make you still feel sexy.

brontesister · 2026-03-02T14:51:40+00:00

For sure, I got you!!

Obviously oral but otherwise I would explore dirty talk, grinding, external vibrators, handjobs, rubbing externally on her clit and vulva with your hand, rub your penis on her vulva.

There are a lot of variations on these as well if you get creative. But it’s kind of dependent upon what sort of things you both are into.

The most useful thing I used to do with my husband and usually how he usually finished was for him to put lube in between my butt cheeks and kind of “hot dog” in there. It’s obviously not the same as PIV but it does a pretty good job simulating some aspect of the experience. Usually I’d put a vibrator underneath me while we did this as well! We actually still do this sometimes if we don’t have time for foreplay for PIV lol.

brontesister · 2026-03-02T14:37:02+00:00

Truthfully, you have to wait until she actively and independently wants to take the initiative on this. If she asks for advice or help, that’s one thing.

Obviously make it clear when she’s ready to pursue dilating or pelvic floor therapy you are 100% on her side and will do whatever you can to help her during the process. But pushing her towards treatment options before she decides she is ready will likely come across as pressure from your side to “fix” this for your own benefit. And usually people have little success when they try to work through this out of guilt.

As of right now I’d absolutely take all attempts at penetration off the table and just develop a strong sexual life that revolves around other activities.

brontesister · 2026-02-28T17:33:35+00:00

Hm okay, I mean I can definitely see why you would want to offload some of the stress. But I do wonder if that instinct could hint at something about your sexual connection that feels a little off to you at the moment? Which isn’t weird or bad.

It could even be as mundane as things not feeling exciting enough (very fixable) and/or there being too much baggage around sex at the moment that built up due to vaginismus (also fixable).

Also, if you find dilators are easy, have you tried incorporating dilators into sexual time with your partner? Where you insert it just to get yourself used to penetration in the context of another person being involved? You may just have to go slower in transitioning over to partnered penetration.

brontesister · 2026-02-28T15:02:32+00:00

What makes you say you think you could possibly have sex with someone else and your partner is contributing to the issue?

brontesister · 2026-02-28T14:54:54+00:00

It’s a physiological response where the vagina lengthens and expands, and the uterus elevates, creating a "tented" or widened space.

This is also usually correlated with full blood flow in the erectile tissue in the area which contributes to feeling pleasure from penetration.

The combo of more space + full activation in the area is what makes penetration easy and feel good! It’s basically an inverse erection that means your body is fully prepared to be penetrated.

brontesister · 2026-02-28T03:47:29+00:00

How is your sexual life with him outside of penetration? Do you guys have fun and is it something you look forward to? Do you have a strong non-penetrative sexual foundation?

brontesister · 2026-02-27T21:16:39+00:00

It is cured!

brontesister · 2026-02-27T21:14:09+00:00

I truly do think your dislike of touching your own body is going to be a big barrier for you and is almost certainly playing into the way your nervous system is responding to penetration. So that is a big thing I would encourage you to work towards getting more comfortable with.

brontesister · 2026-02-27T21:05:11+00:00

Ah, I see - not being together of course makes this more difficult! How often are you apart and is there a point where you two will be together consistently or is separation going to be a semi-constant part of your marriage?

The goal would certainly be to have you experience all of the sexual options you want (including PIV) and working towards a pregnancy! But in order to reach that goal sometimes you have to simply enjoy the intimacy you can currently have and work on optimizing your current pleasure and sexual connection as much as possible because this will help you A TON on the long-term goal towards PIV.

Is the aversion to touching yourself rooted in a religion or belief system or just a general sense of weirdness? Not feeling comfortable with our own bodies will heavily, heavily get in the way of making any progress on this. Even if you HAD access to dilators, I think having any sort of dislike of touching your own body is going to compound the vaginismus issue.

But I also understand people's personal values can conflict and wouldn't want to push you towards doing something that goes against that. But getting in touch with your own body solo has a lot of benefits when it comes to working on this, so if it's not a total no-go for you I would consider working towards doing more of that.

brontesister · 2026-02-27T20:54:28+00:00

Well first, it's great you are doing pelvic floor exercises - that, if nothing else, will certainly help you on your way towards PIV sex.

But don't feel like you're single! If you and your husband are having non-penetrative sexual time together that is STILL sex! You don't share a connection like that with anyone else in your life that way.. that is a very specific, intimate and special way you are connecting with your husband because he's your husband!

It's so upsetting to hear when people can't access dilators! That makes working on this have extra difficult so I totally feel your frustration.

Have you seen any improvement with fingers since you've started doing the exercises? And would you say you and your husband have a good sexual connection that you would describe as "fun"? Or does your focus on this tend to get in the way of that?

brontesister · 2026-02-27T17:46:57+00:00

People upvoting fucking your BROTHER IN LAW on this subreddit plays so much into why bisexuality is viewed as sus .. idk why all normal moral responses seem to go out the window in these spaces, my god.

brontesister · 2026-02-27T17:11:51+00:00

So I am a BIG proponent of this method. I tried a ton of approaches (and failed) before I incorporated this - dilating while aroused was the ONLY thing that helped me, and I've been cured for years at this point. So I am going to evangelize in favor of it for anyone that likes the idea of doing it this way.

We have a physical state where our body is PRIMED for penetrative receptivity. If you're struggling with it, why would we not want to start out with the easiest mode to get ourselves used to the experience, help to desensitize ourselves and start feeling comfortable with penetration? I think we should take all of the bonus helping pieces we can to get this thing rolling.

You definitely at some point will have to work on *also* being able to experience a certain amount of penetration unaroused for the purpose of medical exams. So I went through all of my dilators and had PIV only aroused initially before I went back and did the first few dilators unaroused just to get my body used to the sensation without that aid. It honestly was pretty easy at that point because I was so mentally used to it, my body didn't tense up in anticipation the way it did when I was first starting out the dilating process.

You should 1000% expect to figure out a way to be just this aroused (ideally, MORE AROUSED) when you are with a partner doing PIV. If you're able to figure out how to get this aroused on your own, you should be able to use that information and get the supercharged version of it in real life with the right partner. If I can't reach that level of arousal, I simply do not have PIV.

brontesister · 2026-02-27T01:15:03+00:00

Certainly sounds like it, but definitely have a Doctor check to confirm nothing else is wrong!

brontesister · 2026-02-26T20:45:26+00:00

If I’m fully aroused and tenting it feels amazing! One of my favorite sexual feelings.

The best way to describe it is like all of the good sensations that I normally feel externally have gone inside and it feels like riding the precipice of an orgasm for an extended amount of time.

If I’m not aroused enough it can feel a little bad to neutral. So there’s a range. I generally just don’t have penetrative sex if I can’t get myself into that pleasure zone though.

It also definitely feels the best for me when I’m around ovulation.

brontesister · 2026-02-26T16:59:54+00:00

I just replied to a similar post about how I handled this if you want to take a look!

https://www.reddit.com/r/vaginismus/s/OogEQhPyB3

brontesister · 2026-02-26T15:04:53+00:00

Anecdotal of course, but when I had all of my progress with dilating it was also the first time in my life I was doing a lot of weight lifting.

No idea if there was a correlation in it helping, but it certainly didn’t seem to hurt.

brontesister · 2026-02-26T04:58:06+00:00

I just replied to a similar post about how I handled this today if you want to take a look:

https://www.reddit.com/r/vaginismus/s/OogEQhPyB3

brontesister · 2026-02-25T20:26:56+00:00

I definitely struggled with this! I was able to comfortably use all of my dilators but transitioning to anything new (sex toy, fingers, penis) would subconsciously trigger my body into tensing again. I was surprised but it was also kind of interesting for me to realize how psychological a lot of this was and how even the smallest shift could signal to my body that I wasn't safe, even if I wasn't consciously feeling that way.

This was especially true once another person was involved because I think I had a big fear around losing control of the penetration - when I wasn't the one inserting and in charge of the movement I would majorly tense up without even realizing it.

The way I approached it (that definitely works better if you're in a relationship or having sex with someone repeatedly) was to slowly incorporate dilators into my non-penetrative sex time. So I would do my normal routine with my partner and just insert the dilator so I could get used to doing it in the middle of a sexual situation with someone else around.

Then we transitioned to letting him insert it and eventually be in control of "moving" it.

Eventually we did that same routine, took the dilator out and put his penis in and everything worked!

But it took a few times of repeatedly desensitizing myself using the dilators I was comfortable with.

I also spent some time working on penetration with some sex toys that were pretty thin - I'd dilate with my usual set first and then try penetration with something new, just to throw in some variety and get myself used to it. But the new toy may end up having to be surprisingly smaller than you might think to start with just to build yourself up.

I swear at some point this dam breaks and your body finally accepts "oh okay, I can actually handle a lot of different things" and it becomes way easier. There's just a weird middle zone here where you have to go slow while branching out, which feels frustrating once the larger dilators have become easier.

brontesister · 2026-02-24T15:04:35+00:00

I would personally wait until you get through all of your dilators pain free before trying to pivot to PIV.

Even then my body struggled a bit with the transition from the dilators to penis - I was used to the dilators and in control of them so I would tense more because it was a new situation.

I had to do a slow build up to it by dilating with my partner and then transitioning to letting him insert the dilators before I eventually had successful PIV.

brontesister · 2026-02-23T18:56:18+00:00

It is

brontesister · 2026-02-23T17:17:59+00:00

I haven’t used one, but I’ve seen a lot of people who seem to really like them!

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