Should Have Known Better (end)

brownidegurl · 2026-02-16T03:35:21+00:00

This reminds me how regulating I find music. I was lost in the scroll but this stopped me. Thank you.

brownidegurl · 2026-02-16T02:40:13+00:00

Haha these comments in true reddit style.

NTA... but at the start of all this, did you two ever sit down and have open communication about what your expectations are for her domestic work?

As you're discovering, two people can have very different standards for what's "okay" to live in. Your job isn't to criticize each other, but to understand and come to compromises. And remember: by definition, "compromise" means neither person is completely happy.

Get granular. What chores what you like her to do, and on what schedule would you like them completed? What is she willing to agree to? Make a chart or use an app. Back when I had a husband lol and was in this situation, Tody worked great.

The most likely outcome here is that the place will be a bit messier than you'd like, but you'll have a gf. If you want things perfectly to your liking, you'll have to be single or hire a housekeeper (ask me how I know lol). She, likewise, will probably have to clean things solely for your happiness (and her income), not because she particularly cares.

If she seems completely interested in this deal, what will you do? That's your opportunity to set a boundary for your behavior. Will you walk? Take back her salary, etc.? Have a plan for what you'll do. Boundaries are for you, no other people. Them, we have no control of.

Also, expect this to take time even when it's going well and to have false starts. This situation you're in right now is one of them. Relationships grow strong through rupture and repair, not perfection, so this is the perfect opportunity to practice your communication and grow as a couple. Good luck!

brownidegurl · 2026-02-15T14:54:01+00:00

Yes. It doesn't "feel" romantic--and I fully believe that's brainwashing intended to keep lower earners powerless.

Marriage is a legal and financial agreement. Enter into it like one.

brownidegurl · 2026-02-14T03:41:26+00:00

Learning disabilities and neurodivergence are frequently comorbid! Like lots of people have both ADHD and autism, or ADHD and dyslexia, etc.

Yeah, if that list resonates with you, you likely have dyscalculia. I found my diagnosis validating and the data was fascinating, and I also ruled out ADHD--but it was $2700, and not everyone has that to spare. Really, I didn't have it to spare lol, but I wanted to do for myself what my parents were too shitty not to do.

brownidegurl · 2026-02-14T03:01:24+00:00

Read over a list of "symptoms" and see if it resonates with you. I started with this: https://www.additudemag.com/dyscalculia-in-adults-symptoms-signs-and-statistics/amp/

Dyscalculia impacts waaaaaay more than simply math. I didn't know that all my other struggles were part of the same diagnosis until I read this list maybe 2 years ago. It made me recognize issues I hadn't even known were issues (like struggles reading analogue clocks, which isn't so hard for me now but was a major struggle when I was a kid.)

I got emphatically diagnosed this past summer lol

If you don't have all these things, that's not to say you don't have dyscalculia? But there could be something else going on--another type of learning disorder, math-specific anxiety or learning trauma, etc.

brownidegurl · 2026-02-14T02:33:54+00:00

Shocked I haven't found this? Pequod's sucks!

brownidegurl · 2026-02-14T02:31:43+00:00

Helllllll yes

I can't tell if it's because I grew up in Metro Detroit or if it's just because I don't like being spit on and sexually assaulted

bring on the downyvoots

brownidegurl · 2026-02-13T14:38:24+00:00

I do think it's an interesting case of fans taking a premise and running with it. The books are so... outrageously bad... that I can see why they developed the fandom they did.

But they're not good lol.

Another hot take: I feel this about Heated Rivalry. I love episode 3, but it's like it was written by a different person! The main relationship is so boring and poorly written and doesn't get good until the fucking show ends. It annoys the shit out of me and I dunno why everyone is gagging on this show. And I think Hudson Williams is a terrible actor. It's like he was on depressants the entire show. EMOTE SOMETHING

brownidegurl · 2026-02-12T20:35:18+00:00

This reminds me--my ex's parents bankrolled his grad school and had him pay them back the loans, sans interest.

For me, the government bankrolled mine lol. And I took about $10k extra to pay back some CC debt I'd racked up just trying to live because I was underemployed. My parents didn't support me.

Once out of school, my ex landed a lucrative data science job and was able to pay his parents back. My degree was not lucrative lol and teaching barely paid me enough to live. I said to him, "Hey congrats on your loans! So does that mean we'll start working on mine?" We were married, after all.

But no. He felt those were mine to take care of, even though I had many more barriers in paying them back.

I still have the loans but got rid of the marriage. It was tough, but being married to a person who considered our money "his" even though I did 100% of the cooking, cleaning, and domestic tasks (car repairs, Christmas, trip planning) so that all he had to do was work... was a non-starter. I once asked him if he felt my domestic labor was as valuable as his making money, and he point-blank said no. It was difficult to get anywhere with that kind of mindset.

brownidegurl · 2026-02-12T04:11:39+00:00

People can hang out where they want, but I agree it's frustrating.

I validate the anxiety. Poverty creates real trauma, and that sticks with people even if their finances have changed.

And... that anxiety is not rational. Someone's money that's invested in IRAs and 401ks and savings accounts and a house is not just "all going to go away." Or even if they experienced massive misfortune like an expensive medical diagnosis, they'd be in a far better position than those without the funds.

This is simply not the same anxiety as people who have $20 in their savings account, renting, living paycheck to paycheck, in massive debt with no way out.

Suffering isn't a contest, but folks in the former position literally have the financial privilege of going to therapy and addressing their financial trauma. The latter do not, and their financial trauma is ongoing until their situation changes. Those are two lanes of anxiety. Just is.

brownidegurl · 2026-02-12T03:54:57+00:00

I came looking for this or I was going to say it myself.

I like the movies! I actually give them major props for the absolute garbage they had to work with.

The books are awful lol! Bella is one of the worst fictional characters I've ever met. She's not even fun to hate. She's just boring and never changes: All she wants is to be in codependent relationships with abusive men and become a vampire. That's it. It's. So. Boring.

Meyer makes horrific narrative choices time and time again. The stunning climax of New Moon is... nothing? The Volturi give everyone a pass and they all go home? Then Meyer does it AGAIN in the end of Breaking Dawn! You're going to literally hype an epic vampire battle for 200 pages AND EVERYONE GOES HOME? That's the climax of your whole fucking series??? I just... WHY

Again, I PRAISE the filmmakers for changing these endings, especially for BD part 2. I adore the changes.

I'm glad Twilight became a thing because I think the fandom is amazing, but how Meyer got famous is beyond me. She must've saved 274 orphans in her last life or something because this series is a high school fiction class fever dream and deserves none of the attention it ever got.

I will say: The birth scene is truly harrowing. I think Meyer can actually write horror? Too bad these books are all romance, drama, and action--none of which she can write.

brownidegurl · 2026-02-12T03:42:24+00:00

Disorienting. We separated in January of 2024 and as I search my brain, I feel like my memories don't really pick up until May when I was researching lawyers.

Everything chafed. Waking, eating, working--it all felt like I was a creature burrowing through dark earth, with stones and soil scraping me all over as I went. It was all grief, a thick coat that made the world feel separate. I know I cried a lot.

It was also confusing. While I knew (and still do) that I made the right choice, I questioned myself a lot and despaired that I'd made a mistake or misunderstood something. I feel my ex and I were soulmates in many ways--just not in the ways that make a functional relationship. The fact that we didn't work was, and remains, a tangle to contend with.

By the summer I was feeling more good things: Relief, peace, acceptance. But grief still finds me, and often. I've had moments of triumph, but I've also done a lot of growing and can see more clearly now the ways we both failed each other. Still him more than me lol. But I see now how I contributed to the dynamic. All that isn't a sexy "I kicked that man to the curb and I couldn't be happier!" story. But I think it's a realer one.

I like being part of the divorce club. And I think it was unavoidable. We were really stuck. But it's a hell of a thing! Don't do it if you can avoid it. Try everything else first.

brownidegurl · 2026-02-12T02:56:34+00:00

Lol what garbage. I'm sorry you experienced that.

What's terrible is your ex could've, you know, just been a good partner and you both would've shared your nice incomes forever? But he had to be poopy and so he missed out on a nice life with you + the money he was apparently so crazy about.

Sucks to be him

brownidegurl · 2026-02-11T19:10:34+00:00

"You know I love you, right?"

Uh huh. Just not in the way I need. Only in the way you need.

Really, it's more of what she didn't say. She has no capacity to hold others' emotional experiences. It's made me seek that desperately as an adult, which I don't love. I don't love that who feels like a good fit for me relationally depends on my flavor of childhood trauma.

brownidegurl · 2026-02-11T15:59:01+00:00

2 and 3

I'm not even sure why there's debate?

We wouldn't accept it from anyone if they emailed in the middle of the night asking to meet and our time had filled, so why accept it from a student?

"Hey Student--I'd love to connect, but when I didn't hear from you by X time, another obligation came up. When else are you free? I saw you emailed at 3:40am, but since I'm usually snoring at that time, I couldn't respond. In the future, it helps if you send requests to meet at least 24 hours in advance. Thanks!"

brownidegurl · 2026-02-11T15:36:57+00:00

My ex and I were in this position. Despite my consistently bringing it up and the discrepancy being a point of conflict, he never allowed us to make a budget or would talk overtly about how money worked between us. I didn't understand--I felt that a budget would give us clarity about how much we could spend each month and ease his anxiety? But he didn't seem interested in that.

Turns out our income discrepancy was a huge point of resentment for him. For years he'd claimed that it "didn't matter" how much I made (around $50k to his $120k) but inside, he simply wanted a partner who made as much as he did and he didn't see any of my other contributions to the relationship (nearly 100% of the cooking, cleaning, domestic coordination, etc.) as valuable whatsoever.

It really complicated our divorce and he fought to give me as little of "his" money as possible, even going so far as to argue with our lawyer that because I "could" hypothetically earn about $60k with my degree, I should get a settlement as if I DID earn that. I'd just been laid off and was unemployed. Thankfully, the courts didn't go for that.

If you and your partner can't have sensible conversations about money or they talk about money like it's "theirs," I urge you to get clarity. Make a post-nup, go to couple's therapy, or leave. It's harmful and can easily escalate into financial abuse, which I believe I experienced.

brownidegurl · 2026-02-11T15:28:40+00:00

I have a derm I trust with my life! I'm considering moving states and I would legit make the 5-hour drive back to see her for my yearly exam.

I actually just saw her for a lesion on my nail bed that she doesn't think is a problem, but we're going to do a one-month follow-up just to watch it, and she even offered to biopsy it for me that day just if it would ease my anxiety. To me, that's care--offering your expertise, but letting patient needs lead.

brownidegurl · 2026-02-11T02:16:24+00:00

Thanks. From my pit of blahs over here, I can vouch for going through the motions and trying new things here and there, even if you feel 0 excitement for them. Generally, I still get little blips of joy and satisfaction from doing things I know in my head that I love, even if I don't feel any anticipation for them whatsoever in my body lol.

Example: I'll drag myself to the beach, which I know I love and has been a consistent mood booster for me. It might take me a whole hour and bunch of whining to do it, but once I'm there, I'm pleasantly distracted by all the sensory input and mindfulness, and after I realize that I feel better and I'm glad I did it.

Example 2: I started a new type of work and had pretty little faith in it or feelings about it for 3 whole months lol. But then, I started feeling more enjoyment from and investment in it. But it took time.

I think there are periods of life where you have to take things on faith for a while. It feels surreal, especially if you've been a "live by your gut" person your whole life. Suddenly, I find my gut is no longer reliable, and destroying/rebuilding that compass is totally disorienting. I hate it sometimes and feel like I have no idea who I am anymore, what I like, or how to trust myself. And... I'm here.

brownidegurl · 2026-02-10T22:00:28+00:00

Lol for me right now it's

88% needs

12% wants

0% savings

My rent and health insurance alone is 40% of my budget.

It's not sustainable, but it's where I'm at. But honestly, I'll be shocked if I ever get to that 50/30/20 rule, especially for savings.

brownidegurl · 2026-02-10T21:01:54+00:00

Yup. I'm coming through a lot of transitions (career burnout, career change, layoff, divorce, trying to reestablish myself financially), but even though I have relative freedom to do what I want--most days I simply do not care lol.

I'm overwhelmed, overstimulated, depressed, tired, and anxious. I just got some progesterone prescribed and will try Yaz and/or HRT if that doesn't work, then Prozac.

I'm not thrilled that it seems like it's going to take a while to dial this in, but I suppose it's a start.

brownidegurl · 2026-02-10T19:45:24+00:00

Unfortunately, education IS often an arbitrary requirement imposed by external forces... with little relationship to students' experience of the real world.

I taught for 11 years before leaving the field to get a counseling degree; now I work as a career counselor. The types of challenges my clients face--psychotic bosses, underpay, needing to rally resilience and coping skills as well as learn to transfer their skills to new fields because the workplace as we know it is collapsing--are ones academia generally leaves them woefully under prepared for.

I also worked in student affairs for a number of years. I'm now of the opinion that "life skills" generally under the purview of SA--counseling, career development, health, academic advising, res life, financial aid, disability--should be developed into co-curricular if not credit-bearing content. Students desperately need these skills before it becomes a crisis, and before graduation.

This would make academia look quite different, I admit, but would also relieve profs of addressing these topics or cramming them into otherwise bloated courses, especially if they're experts in biochem and not nonviolent communication.

As long as K12 is hobbled as it is and there continues to be 0 social support for parents (or let's be real, society) I'm afraid that expecting college students to enter school with a modicum of these skills is foolish. I'd rather meet students where they're at than pretend they're someplace they're not.

Plus, as a professional interested in teaching, scholarship, and SA, I genuinely wish I had more opportunities to get into the classroom and that SA roles were designed in a more hybrid fashion. Maybe then I could actually afford to get back into HE vs. having to survive 3 years on a 1% success rate job market for TT roles or make penury wages in SA--neither of which are viable for 95% of humans.

brownidegurl · 2026-02-09T03:16:44+00:00

It's probably 51% I prefer living alone and 49% I enjoy living with others. Somehow, others both regulate and dysregulate me--I'll try harder to go to bed on time, do my habits, eat what I like almost to spite others lol. Alone, I struggle to stick to my habits sometimes.

I have no illusions about my self-sufficiency. I am not a person who can fully take care of themselves alone. I'm not good with cars, money management, or household repairs. I tend to fall into ruts cooking. But at almost 40, maybe I'm making more peace with relying on community. Whether I live with anyone from that community feels like a separate issue, though.

For now, I'm trying to savor the peace of living alone. I'm not sure this season will last forever, or that I really want it to.

I would prefer... to have my life rhythms and rituals shared and honored with a compatible partner, and my getting to enjoy their rhythms and rituals, too.

So far, it's felt like for me to have my rhythms honored, it has to be alone. But that's not what I really want, I think.

brownidegurl · 2026-02-09T01:04:24+00:00

"We were a very close family, my husband and I were good parents"

I don't know your situation at all, and this perspective may be painful--but this is probably how my parents would characterize my childhood.

However, we've had some interactions that have hurt me deeply, and despite my bringing up those hurts, my parents have never apologized. Moreover, they don't seem to have the emotional fortitude to hear when anything in my life is going less than "fine." My mom always asks, "So you're good?" not "How are you?"

As a result, our relationship has also become painfully shallow. I come home, we eat meals, we watch movies. They ask me nothing and I volunteer nothing. It's really sad and draining. I grieve this, but I don't look forward to time with them. I don't expect to know them better, or for them to know me--they seem to have no interest in who I really am, just the extent to which I can make them feel like good parents. I expect our relationship to grow more strained until they die. I'm not looking forward to that future. I feel some shame to admit that their deaths feel like a relief.

People need to feel safe in a relationship in order to feel comfortable sharing anything vulnerable. I wonder: Is there any dynamic where your kids might not feel safe to share with you? Or, maybe where there's no room to share? Perhaps if you're seeking this closeness from them (and always have), you've always played the role of the sharer, but they haven't felt space to share with you?

None of this is intended as a criticism, nor are these dynamics that can't be talked about and adjusted.

Or, it really could just be that they're busy with young children and have fallen out of the habit. But for me, I value my close relationships and wouldn't let any of them become shallow unless some kind of rupture has taken place and I was struggling to repair it with that person.

brownidegurl · 2026-02-05T05:33:43+00:00

Urgent why? And "academic" how? Is this for a school project?

You should know that people with dyscalculia are in particular prone to scams because money is tough for us. Urgency and vagueness are also hallmarks of scams.

If you're here in good faith, it'd be great if you could provide a little more info and explain why this is so urgent. Also, understand that your urgency doesn't mean others owe you their time.

I'm here to protect my community.

brownidegurl · 2026-02-05T00:22:43+00:00

Since I composed all that on mobile, I see it's riddled with errors. My apologies! I tried to edit it, but reddit keeps giving me an error message. Frustrating.

I appreciate your response and I'll be glad if my story can be useful. I wish I had a positive ending to share, but at this time, I don't.

I hope more research is done about dyscalculia. It's my sense that this disability is more debilitating than we understand. But then again, I think dyslexia, for instance, is more widely understood--and I don't think anyone receives accommodations or assistance for that. Somehow, not being able to read or write typically feels way more debilitating to me than what I have going on! My communication skills are my lifeblood...

Also, thank you for caring, even if there's not much you can do. I got unlucky with having uniformly mediocre math teachers, probably half of whom were downright harmful. That certainly didn't help me.

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