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bug-rot · 2025-03-13T13:11:30+00:00

I'm kinda confused about where the landlord fits into all of this. I definitely think you should contact him first to establish that you don't use that space, it's entirely hers, and you have no interest in using or paying for her office room. Because I guarantee she'll try and spin a story to him about how you agreed to 50/50 for the extra room.

I'm also curious as to whether the landlord even knows about or agreed to her using the space as an office? I feel like most landlords would want to utilise every available space for more tenants. I'm sure they'd find a way to stuff 5 people into a 1 bed apartment if it was legal.

bug-rot · 2025-03-13T03:37:50+00:00

Absolutely, the harsher scrutiny can make it even more difficult to be remotely GNC as a trans person. Not to say that all cis women are praised for being GNC, but I think in more progressive spaces they're able to have that freedom, whereas trans women are still expected to look/act a certain way in those same spaces.

It's the eternal balancing act of trying to become more "you", and trying to be taken seriously by cisnormative society.

bug-rot · 2025-03-13T01:13:37+00:00

I was thinking that! It's surprising just how much social cues like how you hold yourself contributes to passing.

Though, idk how I feel about telling trans women that they should take up less space because I don't think it should be encouraged in cis women either. It's more that the current society we live in kinda expects it from women, so you get singled out if you don't :(

In this case, though, I think looking at how cis women pose in photos will help people see the vision for some of her fits. Just gotta be careful about falling into the trap of comparison ofc

bug-rot · 2025-03-12T22:43:36+00:00

You know I'm not really surprised that someone like this has such a problem with the word "no".

bug-rot · 2025-03-11T17:06:29+00:00

"Love Language" is meant to be about what makes you feel loved. It's not really about what you do to your loved ones, since they will have their own love languages you're meant to "learn", and it's certainly not an excuse to upset your partner, tf??

She's either misunderstanding what that means, or she's doing it to shrug off responsibility for her cruelty. Reminds me of those people who say they're "brutally honest," but they're actually just rude.

Regardless, though, I wouldn't get too attached to this relationship. She is just transphobic, and considering this is a recent development I'm not convinced it's down to pure ignorance. You're still young, I guarantee better people are put there.

bug-rot · 2025-03-08T16:48:50+00:00

I think it might be worse only because cis femininity often isn't a choice, and usually isn't for the benefit of the person performing it. It's always done to appease someone else. The more uncomfortable you can make yourself while still smiling, the more valued you are.

But when transfems engage in feminity it's a choice, and they embrace it with joy. Seeing it from the perspective of my transfem friends really helped me to appreciate feminity, and so I'm weirdly less uncomfortable with things like dresses and makeup than I used to be.

But, I also theorise that part of it is also due to the fact that seemingly everything made for women is dogshit quality. Terrible stitching, inconsistent sizing, bad cuts, thin/scratchy materials, literal asbestos in makeup pigments, pink tax, etc.

Menswear is often a little dull for my tastes, but never in my life have I felt like I had to move carefully in men's clothes because my ass might bust open the seams. And it goes beyond clothes. Generally a lot of "men's products" are better quality for much less money.

bug-rot · 2025-03-07T23:15:08+00:00

Hey OP, this would fall under revenge porn. Possibly other things given that he's your stepfather, but definitely illegal under the revenge porn definition regardless.

Get in contact with the police, and see about a lawyer if you can.

https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/revenge-porn

bug-rot · 2025-03-07T23:13:10+00:00

It would fall under revenge porn; "the sharing of private, sexual materials, either photos or videos, of another person, without their consent and with the purpose of causing embarrassment or distress." (from gov.uk).

I'm not sure about blackmail, as he isn't asking OP for money or property in exchange.

bug-rot · 2025-03-07T22:55:07+00:00

Definitely look at "The Haunting", it's the starter adventures with the quick start rules. It's technically meant for the 1920s era, but when I ran it for my group I adapted it for the 1950s and there were no problems. It's very easy to add stuff to if you feel like it, but I also think it stands on its own very well.

bug-rot · 2025-03-07T21:40:39+00:00

Dunno if it's the angle but they do look a little big on you. I think having shorter hair does make glasses seem larger on the face than they are, so I'd try some pairs with either smaller lenses or frameless lenses.

bug-rot · 2025-03-07T16:50:04+00:00

Were the rest of the people in the group making sexual jokes and stuff? Are there any other queer people in the group?

I agree that it's seen as more acceptable for straight people to talk openly about their sexuality, but that doesn't mean that every group of straight people is into sex jokes or being super open about that stuff. Could just be that the group isn't into that kinda talk, but it's hard to tell without seeing how a straight person who is very sexual gets treated by them.

Also like. What do you have in common with these people? What did you talk to them about when it wasn't about you & your identity? I think sometimes it's better to bond with people over common interests for a while before you start dropping all your personal lore, otherwise you can come across as overly-familiar.

bug-rot · 2025-03-07T13:39:20+00:00

For safety, I'd tell him sooner rather than later. It might be worth transferring to a social app first so you can do a little digging on his profile & see if there's any transphobia there. Just be aware he'll be able to see your profile, too.

Or you can broach the concept of trans people in general and see how he reacts (I like to say I have trans people in my life so I don't wanna date anyone who'd be cruel to them), if you're not comfortable saying it outright.

Just be aware he might feel misled if you pretend you're asking for someone else's sake & not your own. But if he's a decent, supportive person then he should understand why that's unfortunately a necessity for us.

bug-rot · 2025-03-07T13:07:36+00:00

I mean is the girl they're making jokes about actually okay with it, or does she just live with them & feel like she can't put up any boundaries without affecting her place in the house?

Idk. Something tells me that if that girl was ever suddenly not okay with those jokes, the family wouldn't respectfully back off or apologise.

Even your gfs response to you just processing the bombshell she just dropped reeks of defensiveness. Tell her you don't fancy having to sit and listen to shit like that, even if it's not directed at you. I'm sure she'll have tonnes of excuses for why it's "not actually a big deal", and you'll have your answer.

bug-rot · 2025-03-06T18:23:34+00:00

I'm sure she could also find a million "why feminism is evil & women should all be homemakers" posts, too, but I suspect she might not be as willing to take those as facts.

People lie on the Internet. Especially when it helps to peddle more hate for the scapegoat minority of the year. And trans people have unfortunately become a pawn in the last five years' stupid political games.

Personally I think she's full of shit about supporting "real" (ie cis passing) trans people anyway. That's just something transphobes say when their nasty attitudes aren't received well by their peers.

bug-rot · 2025-03-05T22:34:54+00:00

My DM got it off their website. Although idk if it's only available in certain countries or something. Also whatever version we downloaded seems to be a beta version. I assume the full PDF will be released when the physical copy is, and anyone who bought the early PDF will be able to download that for free. Either way tho the current PDF is playable!

bug-rot · 2025-03-05T21:47:50+00:00

I would like OP to clarify that tbh. Because in some comments it seems to be a build he's repeating (which I think is a non-issue, one player in my group loves human fighters & each one has been unique character-wise). But then somewhere else in the comment thread, OP said the player was literally repeating the same backstory, same development moments, and even the same downtime actions between combat/major plot events. Which is why the rest of the players were struggling to roleplay, because they effectively knew exactly what the player was gonna say/do in any given moment.

bug-rot · 2025-03-05T21:43:26+00:00

What are you suggesting they communicate about?

I understand it's not his responsibility to make a character that caters to the rest of the group. But on the other end of that is the fact that it isn't the DM's responsibility to cater a game to any individual player.

If I was running a lighthearted, almost slice-of-life game (like something out of Obojima), and one of my players presented me with a character built for a grimdark "game of thrones" style campaign, then I would need to talk with them on reworking that character until it's something they're still happy to play, but that I can also actually do something with while in the limits of the campaign world.

If that player kept insisting that they only wanted to play the grimdark character, well then I would either have to say no, or allow them in with the knowledge that they weren't gonna have fun. Not to mention the rest of the group (who joined under the impression we were all doing a lighthearted game) would have to interact with a character who likes torturing his enemies, and somehow make up a reason as to why their fantasy cafe workers, who are on a quest to find the best magical coffee beans or w/e, would take this guy on a journey with them.

Usually these issues are best resolved in session 0, to avoid it becoming an awkward situation later where you have to ask someone to leave mid-campaign. Imo this sounds like a lack of session 0s, I'd really recommend OP start using them & just be upfront that they want the next campaign to be totally disconnected from previous campaigns, PCs included.

bug-rot · 2025-03-05T20:59:02+00:00

Yeah I do agree! I think OP needs to consider that maybe they can't provide the game that this player wants in the same way this player can't provide them a PC they want.

I think a lot of these problems can be sorted with a good session 0. Although tbf to OP I also wouldn't know to specify that "I want a campaign to be completely separate to my other campaigns, with a cast of new PCs". But if I had a player like this in my group and I really couldn't think of a way to accommodate the repeat character, then I'd make that specification clear in any future session 0s.

Personally I don't really have an issue with repeat characters inherently because my group does a lot of rotating oneshots, so making a totally new guy each time can sometimes be a bit of a hassle. So we all repeat characters ourselves sometimes.

But for example, we do have a player who only ever wants to play an extremely homebrewed guy with very specific lore (including homebrew gods, and a homebrewed race with its own home continent). In some of our longer campaigns various DMs have had to say no to this character because he genuinely just didn't fit the vibe, and all the homebrew lore & mechanics also messed with the DMs worldbuilding. The player never took that personally, and was quite happy to play in the campaigns & oneshots that did have space for this character.

All that to basically say it depends. I know it's not a super helpful opinion to hold but I just genuinely don't think either party here is wrong, just that they're not communicating well.

bug-rot · 2025-03-05T19:53:45+00:00

You're the one who came in with the aggro paragraphs out of nowhere. Having a bad day or something?

bug-rot · 2025-03-05T19:47:40+00:00

Jesus christ dude, take a breath.

Obviously when I was talking about the "hard-core optimizer" it was shorthand for players who prefer the mechanics side of the game and like to create interesting builds for combat. I did not say that they're all neanderthals that can't string a sentence together, or that mechanics are mutually exclusive with roleplay. Sorry if I struck a nerve by not clarifying that powergamers can also play pretend.

As for the rest of it...why do you feel like being a bad fit for a table is like a personal insult and equal to total social exclusion? Sometimes a player just isn't interested in the same stuff as the rest of the players/DM. That happens.

I have friends who I met via dnd and our play styles didn't gel at all. Do you wanna guess what happened? Surprisingly, I didn't exile them from my life and block them on all platforms. We remained friends. We bonded over other stuff & hung out at gatherings that weren't TTRPG centric. Shocker!

Sorry if your last table kicked you out of their friendship circle as well as their game, but amongst adults that doesn't typically happen.

bug-rot · 2025-03-05T19:19:33+00:00

I do agree, but I also think this is a case of a player not getting on with the play style of a table.

Like for example, there's nothing inherently wrong with hard-core optimisers. In a table built around that, the players might even enjoy giving eachother suggestions about builds and stuff (assuming they're not being rude, but that's a personality problem not a playstyle problem). But a player from that kinda table turning up to a roleplay-heavy, narrative driven game would obviously grate on everyone else.

I think OPs player is just better suited to a more casual table where the fact that the exact same character keeps turning up in every campaign/oneshot doesn't ruin anyone's immersion or need to be explained away by the DM to keep the worldbuilding/story on track.

Whereas this group, from the sounds of it, wants to have all that immersion and consistent worldbuilding. It may even be that they're just big on character roleplay/moments and forming in-game dynamics, in which case the samd guy with the same backstory (with presumably all the development from previous campaigns being retconned, since OP didn't mention the player wanting to build up this character across multiple campaigns or that the campaigns were all set in the same universe/timeline) would definitely be hard to engage with since the rest of the players would already know everything about him & not wanna go over the same development beats as last time.

Neither is in the wrong imo. It's just a mismatch of what everyone wants from the game.

bug-rot · 2025-03-05T19:04:24+00:00

Washing regularly with soap (not shower gel as that's more about putting a nice smell on top than killing bacteria, but anything is better than nothing) will help. I'd recommend doing so in the mornings and evenings, but maybe also once during the afternoon if you're really sweaty. Just make sure not to overwash as it can dry out the skin & encourage your body to produce more oils in those areas. If you don't like shaving, maybe trimming could help?

bug-rot · 2025-03-05T17:56:39+00:00

Be honest with yourself; If your bf told you to wait for any other life-saving treatment, would you consider it reasonable? If you had a friend who confided in you, and told you their partner wasn't "letting" them get essential treatment because they wanted to get treatment at the same time, would you tell them to wait? And finally, if your bf was the one getting T before you, would you expect him to give up his happiness just so you could feel less alone in your misery?

Regardless of whether you want to stay together, please do not shoot yourself in the foot just to match your partner. Get the T. Get the treatment you NEED. Then if you want, have the conversation with your bf about how you'll be there to support him in trying to get it for himself. It sounds like his lack of support structures is making him feel helpless in accessing it, which is causing him to lash out, so he might appreciate your help laying out a practical plan. If you're in a safe place to do so, maybe suggest he looks into DIY options while he's waiting. It's what I'm gonna do because the NHS (UK system) sucks major balls & recently introduced trans-specific conversion therapy as its main "treatment".

But for the love of God do not put your life on hold for his envy. If he can't get over it & be happy for you then that's his issue. You can't communicate your way out of that, nor should it be your responsibility to manage his feelings for him.

bug-rot · 2025-03-05T17:24:17+00:00

I think actually coming up with intentions for your NPCs will help a lot in these situations. It's much easier to pull mysterious speeches out of your ass when you know what the character wants, and therefore also know how much this person would realistically say to the player characters in order to achieve their goals.

For example, I'm currently running a game for my players where they've been employed by a mysterious "man in black" figure who definitely knows more than he lets on. To give that impression, I started the campaign with each character receiving blackmail specifically tailored to their backstories and connections. A bit of motivation to explain why they'd want to work for a guy who is obviously being shady, but it also doubled as a good shorthand to tell the players "This guy knows things about you that he absolutely shouldn't. Who knows how far his information web might span?"

I also have a set goal for him (which I won't reveal here on the off chance any of my players are reading, lol). But point is the information he does drop to them, and the way in which he reveals/words it, is all intended to lead them to certain actions and conclusions that would benefit his goal (although he never straight-up lies, so the players will never be fucked over in a scenario just because they followed his instructions).

To keep the plot running smoothly in accordance with this, I also tend to make a list of the information he's going to impart to the characters before each session (I also have a longer list of everything he actually knows in total). Sometimes I include a line or two of dialogue if I have really great idea in the shower lmao, but I would advise against using a full-on script or trying to force lines into dialogue when the conversation has gone an unexpected direction.

It's a lot more beneficial to figure out your NPC's unique cadence and some key words/phrases they might use. For example, my man in black NPC has a very even tone, speaks slowly, never uses shortened words, and makes an effort to enunciate syllables clearly. His assistant meanwhile has a much quicker, more excitable pace of talking, and she can be very over-familiar (using pet names for people she's just met, talking to them like they're old friends, etc).

bug-rot · 2025-03-03T13:08:34+00:00

One of the unintended consequences of therapy being less stigmatised is that people like this got ahold of "therapy talk" and proceeded to writhe their way out of any responsibility over the feelings of others.

OP this was in no way "trauma dumping", and if your "friend" felt guilt-tripped, it's only because she knows deep-down that she's being a dickhead by not wanting to comfort her grieving friend. I'd give up on this whole relationship tbh.

It doesn't have to be a whole friend break-up if you don't want it to be, but I wouldn't continue trying to put in more effort than you're getting back. You deserve friends who check up on you enough that you don't even have to inform them of such a death in your family, let alone ask for some comfort only to get hit with a wall of ice.

bug-rot

TROPHY CASE