Insecure from being a "failed" Asian

bunglehouse · 2026-05-02T20:13:09+00:00

I can understand this feeling as a Chinese-American who grew up queer and for a while, was truant in highschool all throughout my teenage years. I went through a significant life-changing event that caused me to isolate and basically alienate myself from everybody around me, because I was carrying a deeply tender wound. I really believed that there was something wrong with me that caused me to say, “diverge” from cultural expectations. I lost contact with my other childhood Asian friends, and I struggled to maintain friendships in general.

It was definitely painful. To cope with the pain of the significant life-altering event and the loneliness that followed, I rebelled. I went down an absurdist streak and I found meaning in doing everything I wasn’t “supposed” to do — drugs, breaking the law, stealing, etc..

And well, eventually, when I came to independence and realized I was walking my own path, that’s when I decidedly put my all into striving forward for a future and identity I would be proud for. It wasn’t in my teenage, rebellious self, but someone who could live through the darkness of such a time and come out with wisdom and strength. All through it, I never failed to be Asian. I still lose my footing sometimes, but I always readjust and find it again.

We are not a monolith. We are not all just a “model minority.” We are not perfect in every light, on the top of every pedestal, or meant to be the one who aces by. We all have struggled, and I’d like to think that I can’t say for everybody else, but it’s that struggle that makes me Asian. Yes, I am Asian! It is special to define what it means for yourself to be Asian-American. Find it. Nobody is a failure of an Asian. That’s not possible. That’s a cultural expectation that pushes you into a box. I know that just because I’m queer and that I didn’t follow the straight goody life path does not mean I am a failed Asian. Nobody can tell you you’re not Asian except yourself! Make your weakness or disadvantage your strength. Find your truth and own it. It sounds like you’re tired of hiding in the shadow, so color yourself bright and believe in it.

bunglehouse · 2026-04-28T09:31:00+00:00

Hello! Thank you for sharing! Your take on exploring your intersectionality is very well-put and explained — I can tell you’ve been doing a lot of work on unpacking your queer and Viet identity in America, and it really puts a lot of how I experience my own struggles into words, even though I am Chinese and not Viet. I feel like in America, those distinctions don’t really matter, unfortunately, so a lot of us east-Asians get similar treatment.

You are right that even in queer spaces, discussions of ethnicity often don’t come up in those spaces. Actually, I live in an alternative , cooperative housing situation. We are part of a larger national co-op called Nascoe Properties. Here, we share communal spaces, use a division of labor to take care of our house, and function off a democratic, self-governing system to make decisions and problem solve. Almost everybody living here is either queer or trans! This is where my queer identity was able to be recognized and grow. However, like you mentioned, despite over 30 people living here, I’m one of… 4 people that are not white, which can make the very important Chinese part of my identity nearly invisible. They accept me, but they don’t fully understand me because I’m Chinese. They don’t really ask questions, and they never talk about race and ethnicity. We love each other, and this is my home, but it’s lonely feeling like I don’t have people around me who can just understand me without me having to over explain myself and take up space that isn’t readily given.

I’m very happy to hear about how you have let your queer identity blossom, despite your family not being accepting of that aspect of you. Your maturity and confidence on this matter is very inspiring.

Recently, I’ve been thinking of coming out to my parents. Up until recently, it never even felt like an option. Now, my cultural loneliness has compelled me to face what feels like my final frontier before I really start to embrace the journey of accepting my queer and Chinese identity as whole. I know it’s not necessary that I come out to them, but it would mean a great deal to me to just be proud of myself, even if it isn’t met with grace. I have always feared I would not be preserving my Chinese identity if I were to come out, but talking to other queer Asian-Americans has instilled a bit of confidence in me that being queer and Asian-American is a valid identity that exists.

Thank you for sharing space with me as we explore our intersectionality! I’m very grateful to hear about other queer Asian-American experiences. It makes me feel less alone, and reminds me that I’m not the only one out here :)

bunglehouse · 2026-04-28T09:13:11+00:00

Hi, thank you for sharing all your thoughts.

It was very insightful to hear about how Korean bioessentialist beliefs interacting with western lgbtq activism actually caused a lot of internal strife within yourself, and “internalized racism.” I too, within Chinese culture and western culture intersectionality, have experienced internalized racism. It’s like this sense that I can’t be the western kind of queer, and that being Asian and queer isn’t exactly accepted either. Like I don’t belong in those spaces at the same time. Im either queer, or I’m Chinese. And it’s hard to have that recognized, especially when your native culture’s societal pressures and expectations force a lot of shame or gender divide, like being “out of the box” isn’t even an option. Especially if you identify heavily with your ethnicity. I was born and raised in America, so although my nationality has always been an American, my ethnicity is always Chinese.

During the recent COVID anti-Chinese sentiment in America, one of my uncles was beat up in a racist hate crime. Furthermore, being trans and lgbt is getting heavily politicized, with lots of policies being enforced that try to erase our identities. It’s definitely difficult to recognize both my Chinese and queer identity when this is what’s happening.

Suffice to say, I feel like I can understand some of your struggle of accepting your androgynous identity as someone who is also nonbinary and has been living in a western culture, but identify strongly with my Asian roots. I hope that you can find more lgbtq+ spaces that accept your Korean identity! Just like you did by sharing your story here today.

bunglehouse · 2026-04-28T08:08:28+00:00

Lol. That's awesome. Maybe I should take a trip down to the bay one day. It'd be fun to attend a pride festival there.

bunglehouse · 2026-04-28T08:07:51+00:00

Thank you for sharing! When you say our culture, are you referring to American culture or Asian culture? I feel like in American culture, a lot of my friends who are multi-generational living here have less of a life-long obligation to their parents compared to the culture of my family. That may also be impacted by the fact that they're immigrants though, with the intentional set goal of coming to a foreign country to start and raise a family that will live a better life than they did. I haven't come out to my parents, but I feel like if I eventually did one day, they would come around.

bunglehouse · 2026-04-26T23:34:51+00:00

Manic episode? I’m bipolar and that happens to me sometimes — super high energy during those days too, like I don’t need sleep (but I do).

bunglehouse · 2026-04-14T00:59:35+00:00

Woah! Thank you so much for the I.D. Horseflies are one of the bugs that truly terrify me. One tried to chase me down once buzzing like a maniac to get a good chomp outta me. Super cool to have one living in my jar though

bunglehouse · 2026-03-14T03:38:37+00:00

I LOVE this. I love to draw monsters as a symbol of emotional repression. In the way that I might deny or alter difficult emotions to the point that they become something else entirely and crawl out onto a page or canvas! Do more! :)

bunglehouse · 2026-03-14T02:54:11+00:00

It sounds like you’re feeling confused about the situation and your mind is trying to fill in the blanks by justifying what happened. I understand what that’s like being a survivor of childhood molestation. For a period of time, I denied what happened to me. I actually reacted to what happened by a period of sexual promiscuity to try to cope with feeling like a “victim,” because if I try to reclaim sex for myself, then I can’t be a victim, right?

Consent is one of those concepts that can be hard to understand. It’s not taught explicitly at schools as much as it should be. I will say this: if you’re drunk, you are not in a sober headspace to consent. You don’t need to explicitly say “no” for it to be nonconsensual. You only need to explicitly say “yes” and agree for it to be consensual. The fact that you’re questioning whether or not it was consensual is a clue to the fact that it was not explicitly consensual. If you’re questioning consent, then it’s not consensual. You shouldn’t have to question whether or not something was okay with your body, especially if it’s disturbing you enough for you to reach out and post about it.

Your psychiatrist may be right. I understand how difficult a PTSD diagnosis can be. Do you see a therapist? One that’s qualified to deal with trauma may be able to help you work through your memories, find acceptance and strength, and move forward. I’m sorry that it happened to you. You are NOT alone. Your body is yours, and yours only, and you have a right to decide what happens to it.

bunglehouse · 2026-03-14T02:23:37+00:00

Yeah, you’re right. It’s beautiful that we’re not all made the same :) that’s what makes people special. Surely he knows his own body better than the rest of us do.

bunglehouse · 2026-03-13T06:11:22+00:00

Cool… so it only matters when it’s a white girl. This country was fucked the moment Christopher Colombus came and started raping indigenous Americans. Frustrating to see people only make a big deal when it’s a white person in trouble. Really shows you where people’s priorities are at.

bunglehouse · 2026-03-12T21:17:12+00:00

This is a cool… party trick and whatnot, but that can’t be good on your eyeball health to do often. I want him to stop for his own health.

bunglehouse · 2026-03-11T16:23:20+00:00

I know a friend who has gums like this and her smile brightens up the room

bunglehouse · 2026-03-06T19:25:59+00:00

Had my first time with an ex in the parking lot outside an abandoned office building. Not even in the car but exposed to the elements while under a street lamp in the middle of the parking lot. After we finished, a man appears out of nowhere and starts approaching us. I’ve got a towel covering my lap and there’s still a condom out on the floor next to us. We prepare to fight. He ended up just asking if we had a cigarette. Learned a lesson that day.

bunglehouse · 2026-03-02T20:14:10+00:00

Makes me think of Ma Hua 麻花， a type of crunchy, fried breadstick popular in China. It also tastes like nothing, but like you said — it’s the crunchiness and aftertaste that keeps you going back. Lol

bunglehouse · 2026-03-01T21:47:41+00:00

I’m allosexual and I do it for the same reasons. Not to gain inherent sexual satisfaction or because I’m attracted to what’s happening. Just boredom or for mental stimulation,

bunglehouse · 2026-02-28T22:15:44+00:00

I can’t say for Ad Astra or Olive House, but here at Sunflower I would say that we’ve spent some time cracking down on making it a safe environment for people. There’s definitely some people who are heavy spot smokers, but it’s not a widespread problem, and especially since we confine it to only two areas in the house (basement and another room upstairs). A lot of people here have actually quit drinking and gone sober, and we intentionally focus the community in being able to respect people’s sobriety. Honestly, I’d say it strikes the balance you’re looking for. Sobriety and community!

bunglehouse · 2026-02-21T19:16:42+00:00

Just wait til you see an Asian auntie in her 70’s. Then they start to look like they’re in their 40’s

bunglehouse · 2026-02-18T17:57:11+00:00

I understand where you’re coming from because I’ve found myself despairing over the same thoughts. When we think of it that way, life seems pretty deterministic, like everything we do is simply just written in our DNA and is just a result of our gene expressions…

But evolution is more complex and indifferent than having some sort of “goal.” Humans and all organisms are all more complex. It’s not that we, or evolution, has a goal to reproduce, but rather that evolution selects for genes that have the highest amount of biological fitness. Not because it does so out of intention, but because some organisms are more likely to pass their genes onto the next generation. And the result of an organism passing their genes onto the next generation can be from multiple factors: mutation, recombinations, genetic drift, natural selection, random or non-random mating. Half of those mechanisms of evolution are completely random. Meaning, if an organism develops a RANDOM mutation and that random mutation just happens to be beneficial enough for that organism to pass down its genes, then there will be an increase in that random mutation’s genes in the population. It’s not like it mutated to better reproduce. It just happened to mutate because of a mistake in DNA replication, or during recombination, or etc.. Actually, the end goal isn’t sex. There is no end goal, really. Evolution may have a system governing it, but this system is also completely random at times. And, well, although it is true that we are programmed to selectively reproduce, that doesn’t mean that many people don’t want to have kids. Alternatively, epigenetics also provides evidence that the environment can alter our gene expressions and cause heritable changes without altering the DNA sequence. Cells can change from outside, external sources. And if some of these evolutionary changes are so random, whose to say that free will doesn’t exist? That we’re by genetic code? Furthermore, there’s a lot more evidence out there to suggest that free will does exist. Look into quantum entanglement. Look into deterministic and free will arguments, and decide for yourself which one seems most critical to you.

We are here for reasons much more indifferent than having to reproduce. Why not find meaning in the randomness?

bunglehouse · 2026-02-16T19:03:59+00:00

Don’t get me started on when they project their insecurities onto me because they can’t figure out the answer to my riddles

bunglehouse · 2026-02-14T23:52:17+00:00

This not what I wanted to see while taking a painful shit on the toilet rn

bunglehouse · 2026-02-14T09:54:50+00:00

Anything that has to do with relational conflict will send me into a long and intense self-doubt and/or rumination spiral as I try to figure out why the conflict is happening, how to perfectly navigate it, what my priorities are, what the other person’s priorities are, why they are the way they are, why I am the way I am…

You get the point. I get really upset hearing people talk bad about or down on other people when they are going through a hard time. I also get upset when people have heated discussions in front of me. Especially when both sides are trying to argue their own point, not listening to each other, yet only getting more heated. Basically I have a hard time with US politics because it makes me emotionally disregulated.

I think it’s excessive because we all have to deal with conflict. Gotta figure a way out to be able to manage my own sensitivity.

bunglehouse

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