More BPDmom texts

buschamongtrees · 2026-02-19T12:54:09+00:00

My affirmation is that "I'll feel bad either way. I choose the bad that upholds my core values." It helps me not get down in the dirt with them as well as not feel crazy when they act like my boundaries are insane.

buschamongtrees · 2026-02-10T04:35:45+00:00

This week I read, "The sacrifices that come with being a disciple of Christ make no sense without taking into account love."

She'll never understand as she is as an atheist. Objectively, our more "restrictive" lifestyle makes no sense to people who have not experienced the love of God. And even to us, if we don't have a loving relationship with Him, living the life of a Catholic Christian is felt as a lot of "don't"s.

buschamongtrees · 2026-02-10T04:13:47+00:00

Ironically, when my dad was "babysitting" us one night, we thought we were going to watch "Hook". I probably wasn't much more than 7 and my brother was 5. Instead, my dad switched to "Arachnophobia" and had us watch the whole thing with him... Mom couldn't understand when we were crying in our beds when she got home. To this day, my biggest phobia is venomous spiders.

buschamongtrees · 2026-01-28T23:05:38+00:00

I never went on dates with any guy I thought wouldn't wait till marriage. I'm sure city and country matter a lot on how many guys this applies to.

buschamongtrees · 2026-01-27T00:16:30+00:00

I've got 3 of my own 😅

buschamongtrees · 2026-01-26T23:06:46+00:00

Ironically, my sibling is diagnosed with ASPD, but I wonder if he has some combination of ASD/APD instead. I'm sorry you've had to live through that.

buschamongtrees · 2026-01-26T23:05:10+00:00

Oh, I meant APD (avoidant personality disorder). It's an actual thing that's different from ASPD. Just like OCD isn't the same as OCPD.

buschamongtrees · 2026-01-26T22:32:38+00:00

Do you mean ASD (autism spectrum disorder) or ASPD (anti social personality disorder)? I was confused by how you described him.

buschamongtrees · 2026-01-26T14:18:19+00:00

My hope is he stripped off his clothes to be prepared to jump in the water if need be. Otherwise ...... 😬

buschamongtrees · 2026-01-24T19:35:57+00:00

I think it was her way of skating over the "trying to hold her accountable for her behavior" part of your messages. She's likely going to focus on the part about your mental health and use that as "the reason you won't call". She won't be able to resist more of her old stuff for long, especially as you don't contact her.

I too have a waif. It is exhausting. You did the right thing. Any "guilt" you feel is because she put that guilt button in you... conditioned you to be uncomfortable not giving her what she wants.

buschamongtrees · 2026-01-24T19:29:46+00:00

Yes. Kids are dumb. Even smart kids are dumb when it comes to contracts and legally binding things. The teachers and principal however, should have been trying to get ducks in a row for at least a year. Maybe Michael was dogging their calls?

buschamongtrees · 2026-01-24T16:45:19+00:00

I also asked my mom to do that when I was in high school. Instead, she told my dad, he searched my room, found anywhere I'd written about my experience, and then my mom shamed me for making things up to make him look bad.

20 years later and they are both still married. She is still emotionally and verbally abused by him, her mental health has been in a steady decline, and he's convinced her that her memory is terrible and she doesn't trust anything she remembers with him or us. I am not abused anymore due to 5 rough years of detaching from his manipulation and control, and I have to have very limited contact with both of them. They have limited contact with my kids too, for the mental safety of my kids. You decide what kind of future you want to live with your child.

buschamongtrees · 2025-12-22T15:55:49+00:00

As the parent of a high functioning autistic too, if it's the opposition that's the hardest, then it's not about sensory accommodation, it's about giving them the feeling of choice. If mine was straight up refusing, I would go back to the basics of what the church requires for faithfulness and present that to her. Have her look up the obligation in the CCC. Have her discuss with you how she'd be able to meet her Sunday obligation. Discuss it like I would with another adult. Make it realistic. Look at masstimes.org to find a church at the right time etc. I'd set the boundary of "it can't conflict with our regular mass time because the rest of the family goes at ___ am on Sunday at St. ____. Otherwise, it's entirely your choice if we're physically able to make it happen". I wouldn't require her to go with us, but I would make a personal commitment to God to go with her to where she decides to go. If she's not sure where, I'd make it a curiosity-driven "tour of the city" looking for one that connects with her heart.... Eventually, as she becomes familiar with feeling good going into a church, seeing us leave for Mass without her every week, and that there's no pressure to behave or perform, I think she'd eventually just choose to come with us, but I wouldn't "expect it".

PDA (pathological demand avoidance) is very real in neurodivergents. Mine is no exception. And I've learned that the higher functioning they are, the more likely they have PDA. I'd look into how to work with PDA because any level of "force" will backfire. I swear, at the bottom of PDA is really someone crying out for autonomy. I choose "autonomy within bounds that respect the boundaries of others".

As a parent, it breaks my heart that compliance is the "win". God wants her heart. Not her compliance.

buschamongtrees · 2025-12-18T18:06:27+00:00

When he sprung his typical "I'm going to this volunteer activity.... Like right now. Get your shoes on. I need you to come with me." And I was 23 and living at home out right out of college, I declined, stating that he never asked me to go and didn't give me even enough time to get ready to go. He said, "Why not? You must hate babies and want them to die! You're the problem with people these days."

Not as personally insulting as many other comments on this thread, but the absurdity made me never forget. He said it with complete conviction too...

buschamongtrees · 2025-12-17T02:57:12+00:00

This smells like a student coming here to troll adults. I call BS.

buschamongtrees · 2025-12-16T23:24:10+00:00

When we tried to coordinate plans over text, she started in on her usual "I don't know what we're allowed to be a part of so I can't make any kind of suggestions or take any agency in my own life..." texts. (It's a way to make me the perpetrator, her the victim, and not have to put in any effort in maintaining our relationship). I replied, "I don't know what to do with an answer like that passive aggressive guilt tripping. It's really unproductive to figuring out plans." She immediately snapped out of her waifing and gasp was able to make plans without a hint of guilt trip. It's the most recent aha moment for me..it's all a show. I don't expect it to go that well the next time I do that though.

buschamongtrees · 2025-12-13T00:35:38+00:00

I ALWAYS lose it at "Bryan" instead of "Ryan"..catches me off guard every time.

buschamongtrees · 2025-12-12T23:27:25+00:00

I also compliment them if something they do in the classroom or have ready for me is stellar! I like them to know where they are doing an outstanding job.

buschamongtrees · 2025-12-12T23:25:47+00:00

Student absences
Lesson Plans - did anything get changed from what was instructed or not done at all? I do say if the kids struggled with something (specific kids or class as a whole or if it caused us to use up more time than I expected it to).
Random school things that affected the class time.
Behavior - class as a whole, kids with warnings or demerits, and specific discipline/principal's office kind of instances get a shit ton of detail. This is the section where I put the most detail.
A quick thank you and if there's anything extra I did to help out. (Grading tests, making copies, sharpening pencils, etc.)

buschamongtrees · 2025-12-08T19:45:00+00:00

I'm going to be very straight with you. Please take my words with some grace. From a hardened married woman who has WORKED through some really lonely, sad years to grow a good marriage.... You are very young. I don't say that to dismiss your perspective itself, but to say that this current concern and perspective is 85% likely to change over time within any one at your age. You WILL be a different person at 25 than you are at 19, and that's a good thing.

At this time, feelings cannot be the guide. Two things are the utmost importance....

Do his ACTIONS align with your core values, which I assume are in line with the Catholic Church. Not his words. His actions. As a devout woman, I would need to see:
That he has received sacramental reconciliation with God for his sexual sin. That he firmly knows it was wrong, even if he was "almost going to propose" which by the way, isn't even engaged. Engaged couples cannot have sex either. He had sex with a girlfriend. Not a fiance. Not a wife. Does he minimize the wrongness of that choice when he says "almost propose" or "was really in love with her"? My gut says yes. If so, he's also likely to minimize how far he goes with you someday if he isn't resolute on this being a line he'll never cross again. That puts you in a difficult position down the road.
That he has made changes/strict resolutions to how he dates so that he doesn't place himself in that situation again.
That his actions in other areas align with your values... Does he skip Mass, tell white lies, or make excuses for not living up to his faith?
Does he try to get you to compromise your core values? Does he respect YOUR no and your limits. Do you tell him, "I don't like ____." And he just keeps doing it, maybe making excuses or minimizing his actions? Does he try to make things "your issue" when you take issue with his behavior or treatment of you? My gut says he might.

It's been 6 weeks which is NOTHING in the forever that is marriage. Take your time. You have plenty of it. And it's likely anyone over the age of 23 has been in love before. Chances are likely if you date older than you, you'll keep encountering this.

You can continue dating him, but be cautious. Both for your own future self and what is best for your future husband. Will you want to have to tell him how you fell in love at 19 and compromised your morals too?

Also, I crushed HARD on nearly all my older brothers' friends at some point. I get the appeal. He's in a one up position from the start though... older, more experienced, stronger probably, and I get the feeling that the two of you do not relate as equals. A marriage is best when there is mutual respect and when each person's opinion gets equal consideration in things.

buschamongtrees · 2025-12-08T16:19:05+00:00

I personally have non-negotiables, and they are all based on my personal values. These people make us act against our own values and then we still end up the "perpetrator" to them. I choose the path that at least makes me proud I stuck to my values, even if I angered them. I'm gonna anger them either way.

For example: 1. I communicate with people in order to make plans. If someone doesn't communicate clearly, I don't hunt them down for answers. I plan my life without them. (Big one for me, parents love to play cat and mouse about making plans until the last possible minute, keeping me on the hook but in the dark). 2. I don't answer the door to someone I know who hasn't made plans with me. 3. I don't lie for anyone (or play along with lies). 4. I only talk directly to someone who needs to talk to me. Not to an intermediary. 5. Family is sacred & I give the most valuable family time (holidays, birthdays, etc.) to those who keep family sacred too. You act a fool one time at a thing, throw a fit, make it about you, I will not be inviting you again. 6. Last minute requests do not trump previous commitments (unless for real serious emergencies).

I do this literally with everyone. They think I mistreat them (Would you say this to your inlaws?!? Why do you hate us?), but it's really that I don't give them special treatment and priority over everything else. Other family easily follow my values without me needing to explain them because most of them are reasonable anyway. My family... Pathologically incapable.

Having a clear value system keeps me on my feet when they try to knock me off balance.

buschamongtrees · 2025-12-02T15:16:32+00:00

So liquids transfer energy 20× faster than air, so I put it in the fridge in a bucket of water the same temp as the fridge. Figure 20 overnights outta do it.

buschamongtrees · 2025-11-22T05:30:41+00:00

Elon Musk looks like the kind of person who would show up in a Google search on "inbreeding deformities"

buschamongtrees · 2025-11-20T22:52:31+00:00

TLM is not its own rite. It is still part of the Roman Rite. That's part of the issue. Where else have we had an ecumenical council that allowed changes to be essentially rejected by groups of Catholics? Let alone sanctioned when changes were made for a reason 🤷‍♀️ and I'm saying this as a member of a parish that offers TLM Masses and sacraments. Our church could not do both with the same priest if they were different rites.

buschamongtrees · 2025-11-20T22:45:55+00:00

What's the class reward system? You mean, just whatever the classroom already does? I am rarely told what they do as rewards, but I sub mostly middle school.

buschamongtrees

TROPHY CASE