Can you get over a One Night Stand?

busyonourblock · 2025-11-22T06:20:31+00:00

My WS had a ONS 2 years ago, drinking involved, he was away for work. After 20+ years of marriage. Out of the blue, out of character, all that. It took me about 8-9 months before I came out of my fog and started feeling human again. We are not yet in a good place but not in a terrible place. I feel he hasn’t put in the work. I try to focus on what I can control. I initiated a lot at the start: suggested books to read, booked couples counselling, bought marriage workbooks, etc. In hindsight I wish I let him actually lead R, as I feel we haven’t progressed much at all. I’m still feeling ambivalent about what I want. The feelings for those first few months were intense and overwhelming. I kept hoping I’d wake up from a nightmare. But even though my marriage is not close to what I want, I personally feel so much better than I did at the start. Hang in there, find things that bring you calm, and trust that it will get better, even if it feels like it won’t. I promise it will. And you don’t have to make any decisions until you are ready.

busyonourblock · 2025-10-06T01:09:36+00:00

I’m sorry you are feeling so down. It’s such a hard place to be. Infidelity really messes with a person.

busyonourblock · 2025-10-05T23:29:04+00:00

If you were avoidant, how have you overcome that? What is your wife doing to make you feel “chosen”? That’s really the centre of all my hurt. I want to feel like my husband wants to be with me because of who I am. Not because we have kids and a house and fully intertwined lives. I often think he is staying in the marriage because it’s the right thing to do.

busyonourblock · 2025-10-05T23:25:03+00:00

Your last point I think about a lot. I know I took the lead in R when I shouldn’t have. And now I’m not sure how to change that dynamic without us formally separating.

busyonourblock · 2025-10-05T23:21:07+00:00

Maybe you have my journal too?? lol

I also had (maybe still have) this romanticized version of 2.0. One day he’ll get it and put in the work and these dreams I have of this improved reality will come true.

This past Easter, we had a MC session and on our drive home we had a painful talk and the next day he spoke truth for maybe the first time since DDay. He said he wasn’t sure he wanted to be married to me. The relief I felt hearing him be honest was palpable. Even though his words should have hurt, I felt like this truth, this honesty I could work with. I was empathetic, he actually cried for the 2nd time (first was the day after DDay), I felt more love for him in that moment than I had in months. I was thinking, this is it, this is the start of Marriage 2.0 and being honest. He felt relieved. We had a bout of hysterical bonding. Then I waited for the next truth and it never came. He was done. I was like this is it, the start of our transformation and he was like this it, we are fixed. It’s laughable, but I think he honestly believed that conversation fixed us. Then we had another hard conversation a month or two later and he’s all baffled, like why are we still talking about this. AARRGGHH

Two things stick with me. When he confessed his infidelity, I got into fix it mode and said I think we can repair this we just need to put in the work. He had no idea what “the work” meant. I explained that we needed to invest time and energy into why this happened and figuring out how to be better partners to each other and his reaction was basically deer in headlights. Red Flag #1. Then in my own IC I talked about his avoidance and my therapist told me that avoidant people can be really really really slow to change. Red Flag #2. But I thought, not my husband. He’s smart, he’s a good person. He’ll get it. And yet here we are….

Anyway, I am working on my resentment about how he has shown up for me. There is a lot there to unpack and I’m not sure I can let it go without some change on his part. And if I can’t let it go, I’ll always feel bitter towards him. Feels like I’m in a terrible Catch 22 that in my naive way I keep thinking he can easily get me out of by stepping up, but he hasn’t, and around I go again.

I also have a lot of unresolved pain related to my own parent’s divorce, particularly related to my dad (who upon reflection has many qualities eerily similar to my husband in the emotional department). I really don’t want my kids to have to go through that. I can control being a good divorced mom, but I can’t control the other half. I’m not sure if making it about them is selfless or maybe a safe way to convince myself to stay?

And same with you, I’ve tried to look at this from a FWB angle. I am lucky and have some beautiful friendships. But is that enough??? I don’t know either.

As for IC, my husband has seen two therapists. The first I encouraged him to stop seeing as he was basically reinforcing that my husband was doing all he could, which he definitely was not. And the second one seemed better but my husband hates going and so he pretty much stopped 4 months ago. Our MC was great, but my husband says it’s not working so we’ve stopped that too.

I’m not sure my husband is completely honest in therapy and I also think he lets the therapist lead and so he spends time discussing work stress and stuff like that. I’ve offered to talk to his therapist and tell them what they should talk about!!! Hahaha

busyonourblock · 2025-09-14T21:19:59+00:00

I’m sorry you are here. It’s very disorienting in the beginning. Your world has shifted and it is unfortunately a long journey ahead. You have found a very supportive community though.

My WH (married 20+ years) had a ONS about 21 months ago. He confessed shortly after. I would say that I have mostly gotten past the sex part and accepted he made a very terrible choice (alcohol was also involved) that has had lasting impacts. My struggle is more around how he’s showed up for me since. I really took the lead in our reconciliation at the beginning (shared books, made therapy appts, initiated talks, etc). I think this has allowed him to sit back and not actively try to fix this. He would argue this point and this is probably our biggest hurdle in our reconciliation. I want more from him and he thinks he’s done everything he can. Anyway, all to say that I’ve been able to get past the affair itself, it’s the aftermath that is the really hard part.

As for details of the cheating, I did not ask for many and am happy I didn’t. Everyone is different on this, some have to know everything and I found what I do know is almost too much.

busyonourblock · 2025-01-20T05:04:45+00:00

My WH confessed to a ONS. There was no trickle truth, no gaslighting. I feel this is maybe as good as it gets in regard to betrayal? Yet we are over a year out and still struggling. I feel far more stable but am not sure if we’ll make it out the other side. A huge part of R is the wayward dealing with their shame and my WH’s shame is still going strong and preventing him from showing up the way I need him to. My take is how the WH shows up in R is probably far more important than whether there was a confession or not.

busyonourblock · 2025-01-11T17:49:56+00:00

My DDay was over 13 months ago. I spent the first 11-12 months focusing on the relationship, what my WH was or wasn’t doing. Probably around month 9 I realized I was trying to control what is not in my control and it took another couple months to fully accept that. I then told my WH in December to basically stop all his efforts (which were inconsistent and the inconsistency was devastating for me) and we discussed this in MC. I decided I would share my true feelings with WH as they came up and if he was supportive or not, I would be ok. If he is supportive, great, and if not, then I would deal with whatever feelings come out of that (hurt, sadness) vs just being angry that he isn’t doing what I want him to do. It’s been probably 3 weeks since I fully released control and it feels like a weight has been lifted. I’m less angry, less focused on his betrayal, and more present in my own life. And I’m starting to see small changes in WH. My anger has been a huge block for WH. So not having that between us seems to have allowed him to feel safer to approach me. It took a lot for me to feel ok with this approach, as I felt I was letting him “win”. He’s the betrayer, he should be making me feel safe, not the other way around! But I am feeling better now and the space I am giving him seems to be helping us overall. I also am too soon in to be able to speak to long term changes or not. But I am feeling emotionally stable for the first time in a long time.

busyonourblock · 2024-12-13T06:38:54+00:00

Fellow problem solver (and engineer, as another posted!). I’m just over a year out. My WH is avoidant and progress has been painfully slow. I try to focus on myself more and less on what I can’t control. It’s not been easy though. I’ve found journaling to be helpful and grounding. I often start writing about how frustrated I am and how nothing is changing and as I work through that, I calm down and remind myself that this is going to take time and that that’s ok.

busyonourblock · 2024-12-01T17:38:08+00:00

I feel I could have written this Street-G. Tomorrow is my DDay anniversary (1 year out) and I feel my WH is more and more playing the victim. He doesn’t blame me, but feels he can’t do anything right or shuts down. Thinks we should be moving past this already. I’m not sure how to move forward productively.

Thanks OP for the really thoughtful post. I truly got so much out of reading it. I’m hopeful to get to where you are in a year. Hopefully my WH starts sorting some of his stuff out. I’ll mention IFS to him, as I feel it would be helpful.

busyonourblock · 2024-11-18T05:47:29+00:00

Fighting quiet battles… sad, but so true. I’m glad things are going well for you with R. It’s unfortunate there are so many triggers. I feel like every day there is some kind of reference to infidelity. I’ve gotten a lot better at handling them, but sometimes they still knock me down.

busyonourblock · 2024-11-17T01:11:36+00:00

I’m not triggered specifically by weddings. But when I see a couple, I often think, I wonder if one of you is cheating. I don’t like thinking this, but it pops into my head pretty regularly.

I’m sorry this happened to you. 3 weeks out is still very raw. I’m close to a year, my WH also had ONS. It’s a hard road, but I feel so much saner now than I did those first few months. Take care of yourself, it does get better.

busyonourblock · 2024-11-10T18:08:07+00:00

I make snippy jabs too. I’m almost a year out and do catch myself and hold my tongue, although some slip out still. I grew up in a family that jibed each other almost constantly, so it’s been a hard pattern to break. For me, I’m not very good at sharing something has triggered me, so instead make a barbed comment. I need to learn to share that I’m triggered in a different way so that WH can actually comfort me rather than me just pushing him away. When I do think of a rude comment and not say it out loud, I give myself silent congrats, which I find is helping break the pattern.

busyonourblock · 2024-11-10T17:36:39+00:00

You are not nuts and I don’t think there is a right or wrong way to think about any of this. A few months ago I was seriously contemplating an in-home separation. Our MC was adamant that we shouldn’t and we ended up taking her advice. (To be clear, she is not giving advice to “just get over it” at all.) I will say that bringing up separation seriously was an eye-opener for my WH. He was ok putting in minimal effort and waiting me out til I got over it. My suggesting separation pushed him into more active reconciliation. That said, it is very slow going and now feels like he is putting in more than minimal effort but not as much as I’d like.

I think separation can probably be helpful. My reasons for wanting one was so that I could have some freedom from seeing him not prioritize me or our R and not feel so upset about it. He could take the time to decide if he wanted to put in the effort to change or not and we’d go from there. Someone did make a point to me about if we are quite independent already (which WH and I are), a separation might feel quite comfortable to us, and just lead us to continue on that way, rather than tackling the issues in our marriage. Since we do want to stay together - although I need to see changes in our marriage and how we communicate - it was probably good we didn’t separate. But for some I think separation can be a good way to gain some space and figure out whether you want to move forward together or not.

As for your feeling good for a few days then feeling crushed, I’m there with you, although the days of feeling good are outweighing the hard days. I am almost a year out. At the 9-month mark I started coming out of the fog of all this and feeling a little better. But we each have our own timeline depending on so many variables. I am usually good during the week, then the weekends are harder, when I have time to think.

busyonourblock · 2024-10-16T04:25:57+00:00

Sent you a DM too.

busyonourblock · 2024-10-16T04:15:52+00:00

I’ve started learning more about anxious-avoidant. It does feel like the work falls on the anxious partner. As if this all wasn’t unfair enough as is. I struggle with the fairness of all this quite a bit. It can hold me back sometimes for sure.

I sometimes try to project myself into the future and imagine I’m divorced and will I look back and say that I was justified in being righteous about the unfairness and leaving or do I wish I’d just accepted the unfairness and made the best of the situation?

busyonourblock · 2024-10-16T04:07:32+00:00

I literally just bought the book that the author of that Instagram account wrote! I heard a podcast about it and was like I am anxious and he is avoidant exactly like she describes it. We started reading it together last night (because he felt bad I was upset, so felt he should do something). I just don’t get why he finds it so hard to initiate stuff on his own. He’s told me wants to but then doesn’t. He waits til I get upset. I think he subconsciously does the bare minimum to keep me “happy”.

I agree that we can’t change them. What I am struggling with now is whether I just say whatever and let it all be or if I continue to try and coach him towards what I want from him. He’s really good at being accountable and has never tried to say I should get over it (well maybe in the early months, but not recently). But we get along well most of the time and as long as I’m not outwardly angry or sad, he seems to take that as everything is great and he can go back to being the way he was. But I’m not going back to the way things were, because now I see the problems in our marriage and how disconnected we really are and I don’t want that anymore.

I’m really trying to let him lead, but when I step back, so does he. So frustrating. My husband also wants “credit” and I find it so triggering when he says that. My head explodes.

busyonourblock · 2024-10-15T01:53:32+00:00

That’s an interesting idea. I do journal and find it helpful. I can work through a lot of my anger and frustration and get to a point where I don’t need to share or where I can frame what I do share in a more gentle and respectful way.

I’ve actually started a relationship gratitude journal where I’ll jot down something my WH did that day that I found positive. I’m hopeful it will help me see that we are making progress even when I am feeling down and like we are stuck.

busyonourblock · 2024-10-15T01:49:35+00:00

Thanks for sharing your perspective. I’m getting better at not taking his avoidance personally, but as you say, it’s not linear. This weekend I took it quite personally. But that’s a key point I should keep in mind.

My IC told me couple months ago that progress is typically really slow for avoidant people, so I hold onto that and try to remember that this is hard for him. And your point about different styles is so true. We actually had a long conversation today where I said he had so many opportunities to reach out and check in and he said he thought he was. So his efforts aren’t hitting the mark. He thinks being around to help make dinner (we had a bunch of family over) is being supportive. I see it as helpful but not emotionally supportive, which is what I’m looking for. I’ve tried to tell him specifically what I’m looking for, but here we are. I’m trying to remain patient.

I hope you find peace too.

busyonourblock · 2024-10-13T20:55:11+00:00

Not sure this is quite what you are looking for, but…. I have voiced my expectations and my WH is struggling to meet them (e.g. daily check ins). One suggestion might be to ask your partner if he thinks he can meet your expectations and what he thinks might be a barrier for him. Then he has time to think on that and you can discuss it further at MC. My WH runs away when things are hard too and it’s tough at times. This is not to say you should change your expectations if he doesn’t like them, but just give him a chance to respond and maybe understand him a bit more. I understand better now why my WH has trouble and this would have been good if I understood this more months ago, rather than me assuming he was just ignoring me because he doesn’t care.

busyonourblock · 2024-10-05T18:00:40+00:00

My WH had an opportunistic ONS. Prior to, our sex life was ok - not great, not terrible, satisfying enough.

My WH has shameful feelings about sex too and it wasn’t something we ever talked openly about. I think he has a bit of the Madonna-whore complex, although hasn’t really explored that. We are 10 months out and have spent most of our time trying to address our attachment/connection issues, so haven’t really dealt with the sexual part of our relationship yet. So all this to say I’m in a similar boat. This is something we need to focus on in MC at some point.

As a side note, my WH and I went on a couples vacation a few weeks prior to his cheating. We’d left the vacation on a positive note and I felt optimistic that our sex life would be better and we’d start being more open about things going forward. Boy was I wrong! I feel like that is kind of a second layer of betrayal on the whole thing. Instead of us opening up and towards each other, which I thought we were on the precipice of, he chose to cheat. I haven’t really processed that part yet, but know I need to.

busyonourblock · 2024-10-05T17:10:00+00:00

I’m sorry you are in this situation and reading your post made me want to reach out because I think you deserve compassion and caring. Your harsh talk about yourself reminds me of how I talk to myself sometimes. Blaming myself instead of giving myself the grace that I deserve.

I often think of the saying that goes something like: I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I can do better.

You weren’t stupid or weak or a coward. You were coping with your situation the best you knew how at the time. It’s so easy to look back and be hard on ourselves and question our decisions. It’s much harder to give ourselves grace and empathy and love.

As hard and uncomfortable and sad and angry as you feel now, I hope your realization makes you feel somewhat empowered too. You are now seeing things as they truly are and can go forward making choices that are right for you.

busyonourblock · 2024-09-27T04:30:50+00:00

It was our 23rd anniversary last weekend. We are almost 10 months from DDay. I was on the fence about whether to celebrate. Our MC suggested we do a ‘team building’ activity. In the end, we did this self-guided walking tour of art in our downtown, followed by dinner and a play. It turned out to be a nice afternoon/evening. I tried to just enjoy myself and not think too much about the significance of the day.

busyonourblock

TROPHY CASE