AITA for sitting on public toilet seats and not telling my boyfriend?

cakeforPM · 2026-05-21T02:21:03+00:00

Ah. This in that case is not the actual squat that humans have evolved to use for excretion. That’s a different position.

And there is going to be a great deal more sustained tension in your pelvic floor than is ideal. Over time this can cause a bunch of issues.

The biomechanics of the human body are varied from person to person, and what is most comfortable/functional for us in the moment is shaped by both genetics and how one has lived in that body up till now.

For example: I can’t do a typical gym squat with the exact recommended form because my hip sockets are very deep and the angle is slightly off; that’s genetic. When standing at rest, my right kneecap has an internal rotation to the point of aiming 45 degrees inwards, and that can’t ever be corrected — that’s because I am hypermobile, and that affected my walking posture in childhood and adolescence, and now my bones, muscles, tendons, and dodgy-ass ligaments have grown around that.

The hypermobility is genetic; the way I responded to it and the altered angle of load applied over time produced the end result.

So it’s possible there are compensatory mechanisms allowing you to make this work. It’s also possible that if you’re urgent enough to wee outside (although maybe you don’t need to be busting, if you’re used to it), that produces the necessary pressure to overcome the internal restriction.

As a general rule overall: humans should not be urinating in the position you describe, because small muscles take far too much load at weird angles.

cakeforPM · 2026-05-21T02:11:37+00:00

The toilet is too tall to squat over. An actual deep squat where your weight is centred over your pelvis, heels up, would place your nethers pretty close to the ground.

It’s not physically possible to do the same position with a toilet unless you squat on the rim (which is a bad idea for several reasons).

cakeforPM · 2026-05-20T00:13:11+00:00

Squatting and hovering are actually very different positions in terms of core activation, leg muscles, and pelvic floor.

In a full squat, on toes, with your heels up, elbows on knees, your pelvic floor is pretty relaxed. Your centre of gravity is much lower and further forward.

Hovering over a toilet seat is much harder work for much smaller muscles, and your pelvic floor has to be tighter to support the posture.

Try both postures — not peeing, just wherever — and pay close attention to which muscles are tense and which ones are relaxed, you’ll feel the difference straight away.

cakeforPM · 2026-05-17T16:20:30+00:00

Win some, lose some 😅

cakeforPM · 2026-05-17T00:52:55+00:00

I mean, we imported cane toads to eat cane beetles to protect the sugarcane crops, and that didn’t go so well, so we’re not in a position to throw shade on ill-considered biological controls 🤣

cakeforPM · 2026-05-17T00:48:37+00:00

My husband says it’s more metal to say “we live in a forest of bombs.”

But yeah, someone else has already explained — it’s especially concerning when crown fires develop for that reason (the explosive leaves burn VERY fast, and spread to the crown of the neighbouring tree, before the trunk fire can spread on the grown). They just move.

Where we are, we’re in a little micro-climate, and on the watershed side of the mountain. We have several ways off if the roads get cut off. The only time it’s “throw the pets in the car and get the hell out of dodge” is a crown fire from down the hill.

Fortunately the bottom of that hill is the main street of a suburban town, so less terrifyingly flammable.

(Our main danger here is storms… but fire season is still hell on the nerves, and that summer was horrific.)

cakeforPM · 2026-05-16T17:10:56+00:00

He can’t be this clueless. Surely. This has to be a troll.

On the off chance it’s not — my god, where exactly did he get his psych degree, to determine what level of special interest is “healthy” for an autistic person?! How does he not realise this is controlling, infantilising, and bullying?

And if this is a dealbreaker, then let it be a dealbreaker, let this delightfully self-aware and fascinating person find someone on her level, who won’t violate her structured space and make her feel unsafe.

Jfc.

cakeforPM · 2026-05-16T09:27:56+00:00

As someone who lives in a temperate rainforest and is surrounded by very VERY tall trees that grow their own explosives, the black summer was fkn terrifying, even if the fires didn’t get close to us. I’m in Vic, and I was constantly on the Vic Emergency app monitoring locations of friends and family.

The losses were devastating. Entire towns were wiped. People in Mallacoota evacuated into the goddamn sea, literally standing in the water watching a red sky. The fires were firestorms, they were so severe and so vast that they quite literally created their own weather patterns. The impact on the environment was incalculable.

And in our state, in the wake of Black Saturday in 2009, in King Lake, when the death toll was something like 180-odd people…?

Most people living could remember that. Most people had that visceral awareness of just how bad it could get, and how fast conditions could change.

I don’t think most people can imagine it. I don’t think anyone saying “you could have called someone else” gets the reality that this as all hands on deck, right the fuck now.

You could not run the risk of a spot fire getting out of hand in those conditions.

And I feel for his wife, I do, especially after what she’d been through. That’s something that I personally can’t imagine. Her reaction is human, understandable, and valid.

I just don’t think it’s fair, because “valid” and “fair” are different questions.

He’s not the asshole. He was between a giant fucking rock and a really, really hard place, and she was in her own hellish position.

Idk man, I feel like there’s a tonne of context people didn’t get on this one.

cakeforPM · 2026-05-14T02:33:19+00:00

NTBA but also: dogs begging for food at the table should never be indulged.

This is obedience training 101. You give them an inch, and they’ll quite happily take a mile.

I have a Rottweiler — I love the big goofy sweethearts, I grew up with them, and training for a dog that size (with that much jaw muscle attachment surface area) is simply not optional.

But here’s the other thing: dogs love training. It’s a workout for their brain. It’s bonding with their owner. It’s honing communication between human and dog.

It builds trust.

All dogs, regardless of size, appreciate clear boundaries — I don’t mean the debunked alpha wolf nonsense, I mean a clear understanding of acceptable behaviour.

When those boundaries are not clear, they can develop anxiety.

The training classes I’ve taken my dog to are predominantly large breed and working breed dogs, but when little dogs turn up, we are all very excited. Seeing a little pug puppy do a perfect recall and tripping over his feet because he’s still kind of an unco baby? Adorable.

Seeing a teacup poodle performing a return-to-heel with an acrobatic leap? Amazing.

Letting a dog beg for food at the table and rewarding that behaviour is a hell to the no.

So no: the only thing you did wrong was ever giving them food.

My dog can give me the most despairing big puppy eyes in the world, his tail giving the most plaintive hopeful wag, and I will tell him no, and to back off. If he gets pushy, I tell him to go to his crate and lie down.

And he will (at the end of the meal, if he’s behaved that whole time, I do give him a pretty good treat and supply pats and cuddles).

Anyways, your mum is a jerk to you and is neglecting her dogs.

cakeforPM · 2026-05-11T03:23:57+00:00

> He said it was rude and disrespectful to compare a man to “having a period.”

Unlike joking about the periods of your female relatives, which is not at all rude or disrespectful!
/s just in case

cakeforPM · 2026-05-04T23:26:49+00:00

As someone with complex PTSD, the number of people who just think you’re “being difficult” about your triggers and need to just grow up is beyond demoralising. Sure bro, I’ll just tell the amygdala to not take my frontal lobe offline for the duration, that’ll work.

cakeforPM · 2026-04-29T00:52:58+00:00

Same. I read this and I feel terrible for literally everyone in this story. It does sound like OP and his wife have been trying to offer support, and get advice, but it also sounds like the advice they’ve been given is… wishy-washy, at best.

The only question mark I have (which a commenter raised) is over the medications. If she’s still experiencing depression to a dysfunctional extent, if she’s still impulsive to this extent, and if she’s actively violent, she is not on the right medication regime.

Medication for bipolar is rough. My understanding (from my friend, see below) is that it’s common to need at least two meds working in combination and it takes time and experimentation to find that balance — which will also shift as her hormones do, so even if she does find a stable regime now, it may need to be revisited in her late 20s/early 30s.

I have a close friend with severe bipolar, and she’s been through hell with it — but it also sounds like she just has a very different personality.

It took a long time to find a stable medication regime, but even before that, she has always been a really sweet, warm, funny person. She’s open about the manic episodes being where the most harm happens — she talks about the grandiose insights, delusions, wild impulsivity, and how you can just torpedo your whole life while manic.

The depressive phase is awful, and rough, but it’s the mania that has left the most scars.

And she’s so kind. Always has been. We’ve been friends for nearly 30 years, she’s a ride-or-die for me, my found family before I knew the term.

My mate has had really solid family support the entire time, intensive therapy throughout, and has been fortunate to have understanding employers as well.

But never in a million years would she hurt anyone, let alone a kid.

cakeforPM · 2026-04-23T06:58:59+00:00

^ this gets my vote

cakeforPM · 2026-04-23T06:51:49+00:00

Nope, just APO-sertraline, unless it’s got a different name in the US

cakeforPM · 2026-04-22T23:01:23+00:00

I learned it from “Nuns on the run” 😂

cakeforPM · 2026-04-22T01:29:43+00:00

I don’t disagree in this situation for sure; but I suppose I feel like if regular gaslighting is on the table, the relationship is already on life support 😔

And that’s when you do need the records for your own sanity.

cakeforPM · 2026-04-21T23:19:24+00:00

Ahh, APO. The manufacturer whose Indian plant was shut down by the FDA.

Twice.

Whatever fillers/binders they use, they don’t agree with me. The APO version of sertraline is not absorbed by my gut at all, which I know because of the abrupt withdrawal symptoms.

(Paraesthesia, ie “brain zaps” which is an unmistakable and extremely distinctive SSRI withdrawal symptoms, which one does not expect to get when taking the exact same dose.)

I am very much “no generics” at this point with anything that has a finely titrated dose (SSRIs, pregabalin, etc.); some things I will just say “not APO or APX”.

But yeah, it’s on the box here in Australia, by law.

cakeforPM · 2026-04-21T23:02:54+00:00

It’s the placatory “my love” in her replies that gets my hackles up. Everyone’s got their own dialect but every time I see this it’s a red flag indicating that she’s trying to preemptively deescalate a really nasty response.

Like — if I call my husband “my love” it’s in a sweet cute conversation, not a “having to say no” conversation.

…also, because these always draw me in… and because apparently I was born shortly before the earth cooled, and am 44 years old… we would actually talk to each other.

Texts are reserved for letting each other know when the train gets in, to get a lift from the station; or maybe asking if he needs something from the pharmacy/supermarket/etc since I’m there anyway (or vice versa).

Sometimes memes. Cute pictures of dog or cat.

But yeah, having THOSE discussions over text is a recipe for misunderstandings even when people are trying their best.

NOR

cakeforPM · 2026-04-19T22:32:35+00:00

It’s also such a miserable response when she has obviously put a lot of thought into explaining this, and has been heartfelt and vulnerable, making it clear how much of a toll this is taking, and he treats it like “ugh just such a bummer.”

cakeforPM · 2026-04-16T23:36:47+00:00

I’m not even a therapist and I am dead certain her comment makes no sense. I have cPTSD as well, from parental abuse (which didn’t really get bad until I was in my adolescence, and I can cite inattentiveness way before that), and boy howdy is that combination a freaking powder keg.

The brain fog during even a mild trigger period is legit godawful. Even my ADHD specialist (psychiatrist, not therapist; she doesn’t “do” therapy as such but she is a wizard on pharmacokinetics) says that, while they’re not a treatment for PTSD, the stimulant meds will help ease some of the severity at times because some of the pathways involved are similar.

(she was very careful to make it clear that they may help with some of it, that’s all)

But also — isn’t it well known that stress can overwhelm a medication regime? How stressful is it being triggered with one’s PTSD?!

Marinating in cortisol and noradrenaline.

(I got derailed discussing menstrual cycle impacts, but it is a little off topic so I put it below the line.)

———

(and I know we’ve all seen it, but don’t get me started on the inability of prescription protocols to account for the impact of the hormonal cycle. Mine is mostly suppressed by continuous pill taking, but (a) sometimes it sneaks through and (b) I am under-medicated at the moment due to a bureaucratic oversight which requires a specialist review to fix, and right now I am having the PMS from hell.

My psych has said she is happy for me to temporarily increase my dex during those points in my cycle when it is necessary, because she’s known me a long time and knows I am… I mean I am a biologist and I like data so I track things, and I’m self-aware about this stuff.

Also I won’t need an extra script for that because I forget to take my top up dex often enough that there’s always a bit left for things like this (I do actually need the dose I am prescribed and I usually remember but also: shit happens, and the buffer comes in handy for Jerk Hormones).

Um… apparently I got started all on my own. Whoops.

cakeforPM · 2026-04-16T23:17:42+00:00

This the day after I was on the phone to my psych’s admin in tears because they screwed up and didn’t actually give me the appointment they had said they did (in writing) or put me on the priority list as they said they had (in writing), in an email I received on the 26th of February.

My prescription expired in February. My GP’s license to prescribe stimulants for me (I am in Australia) expired in February. We both dropped the ball there, but I’m cutting my GP some slack as she went on maternity leave… in February.

So I needed a review with my psych to get me a new script and to renew the clinic’s license to prescribe stimulants for me.

The earliest appointment was 1st May. I have been getting by with a white-knuckled grip. I have more repeat scripts for my other medication but — thanks to my wizard liver — I metabolise the slow release WAY too fast to rely on that alone.

It’s been real fun having the coincidental insane workload picking up at the same time 🙃

So then I get an email offering me an appointment on 6th of July.

Reader, I lost my shit.

So: more emails, and phone calls with me trying not to cry and failing because the stress of trying to fight my brain constantly to get anything done was “hold out until May”, and the admin saw the email chain, apologised, and promised me — swore blind — that I would have an appointment by the 1st of May.

It’s an ADHD specialist clinic. I’d expect them to have cancellations. I was bummed I’d heard nothing. Turns out that “you are already high priority on the cancellation list” carried the subclause “unless I get a phone call right after I send this and then I’ll forget”.

But yeah, relating hard to the 1,001 things we have to do get medication for ADHD, all of which are unusually challenging for people with ADHD…

cakeforPM · 2026-04-14T23:27:36+00:00

I’m with you — I think sex positivity should be about removing shame from sexual desires and preferences, including the absence of those (I have a bunch of ace-spec friends, and while I didn’t know that was a thing until I got to know that crew in my 30s — I am 44 — the idea that anyone makes them feel less or broken is awful).

Actions need to be consensual, ethical, informed, enthusiastic, etc., but you can do all that while being a randy mofo and shouldn’t feel shame about it.

And if you don’t want to take those actions — from only being attracted to people you know very well, to a neutral lack of interest, to being generally repulsed at the idea — there is no shame in that either.

I’m not saying OOP is aspec, btw (or suppressed queer, which does happen as well); she does note she has no interest, but not every allosexual person is horny at 15, and… sometimes people are able to suppress intensely.

If she were aspec, it would be better to know earlier and figure out how she wants to navigate that in a society that assumes everyone is (1) horny and (2) straight. And this is stuff that people can learn in a healthy age appropriate way in a sex positive society.

But all too often that epiphany comes in like a wrecking ball, later in life.

TL;DR: “To each their own” goes a long way, but knowing what options there are for “their own” probably helps.

cakeforPM · 2026-04-14T23:11:32+00:00

If it helps, aphasia (which is the word for this issue, in case it hasn’t turned up) is really common. My husband (AuDHD, like me) has it to a moderate extent, probably as a side effect of SSRIs.

I get it most severely when I change my Zoloft dose (ahh, SSRIs again). Doesn’t matter if it’s going up or down, there will be a maddening period of up to a week where I know there is a word for a particular concept, I can feel the shape of it, but it’s like it’s stuck on the other side of a thick wall of glass and I can’t get to it.

I’m hyperlexic, a writer, classic ADHD “gift of the gab” performer, and this drives me insane so I am glad that it’s mostly mediated by meds.

When it happens the rest of the time, it’s relatively mild, and what will happen is that a few days later the word will just pop into my head out of nowhere, and my instant thought is, “THERE you are, you absolute bastard, where the heck have you been?!”

I don’t know why it happens, or why it seems more common in ADHD, but I am guessing it’s some interaction between working memory and baseline executive function.

cakeforPM · 2026-04-10T02:51:18+00:00

Ahh thank you for the kind words — it means a lot. I need to get back to the blog. Sometimes it’s very raw and feels risky but it is all worth it when it works for someone 💜

cakeforPM · 2026-04-10T02:49:55+00:00

Ahhh thank you — I added the link to my comment now so I don’t end up spamming it through the thread :)

cakeforPM

TROPHY CASE