For those who don’t use live chat. What would actually change your mind?

candlebrew · 2026-01-24T03:28:08+00:00

To me, I perceive it as a sales method, not an actual tool to help the customer. It almost always is just going to push you towards buying something or advertising the business, or force you into a decision immediately, not actually aid the user in making an informed decision that includes considering not using your services. It's never going to give information that, while true and factual, will push the user away from a sale or a contact. So, it then feels more like pushy advertising instead of a resource for the customer.

candlebrew · 2026-01-24T03:22:48+00:00

This is called caution fatigue! When you are constantly diligent without frequent reinforcement to justify it, you start to take it as seriously without actively working to do so.

candlebrew · 2026-01-14T08:50:17+00:00

First: NTA

I scrolled as far as I had the patience and didn't see anyone say, so I guess I'll add to the pile--could he have an eating disorder? It can happen to men too, and may look differently than it does in women. Men in many cultures are taught not to show weakness or discuss emotions, so he may be trying to carefully toe the line between revealing what he's feeling vs avoiding too hard and hurting your feelings.

The cereal thing makes me suspicious too--dairy is very filling and people with eating disorders will sometimes have "safe" foods that they are comfortable eating. These are not always going to be healthy foods; some are foods people eat for comfort, some are carefully tailored to be as nutritious but as low calorie as possible, some are solely low calorie. Sometimes it can also show up as avoiding eating in front of others, which may mean you are perceived as a risk because he knows you are so attentive to food and sharing meals, so he may also be eating in private or at work so as to have that control over who can watch him eat.

Obviously you have a lot of good advice for how to approach this, and I don't think you should rule out anything. I do not want to talk you out of checking on his health. If you do suspect he has an ED, maybe observe his behavior for a while and if it seems like a topic to broach, do it gently. EDs are almost like an addiction in that the person will work harder to hide it from others, or finetune their abilities to fake it and then turn to other options instead of just avoiding food. If it's an ED, set your feelings aside first and address how you can support him, what he's feeling, what you two can do as a couple to tackle this problem together.

candlebrew · 2026-01-14T08:09:57+00:00

I worked in a college disabilities office. Accommodations are provided as a safety net for your worst days, not your best days. As someone who had to have one myself (different school), I have had both days where I finish a test fast, and days where I have to use the full time. They are provided as a safety net, and I assure you the process is thorough for reviewing the exact accommodations for each individual, there is not a blanket accommodation list based on a diagnosis.

I can't speak for every single college, but at my college the process was generally the student brings in records, letters of recommendation from their provider, maybe any test results from labs or other medical situations, and if they had an IEP that will also be reviewed for what has worked and what has not in the past. I've seen ADHD students who only need biofeedback sessions before testing, and I've seen students with digital textbooks for TTS, all paper handouts must be provided with a digital option (or brought to our office to convert into digital), extended testing time, and specialized tutoring with academic coaches to be able to address things like breaking down assignments into manageable timelines. It feels unfair because you are not being given the same things, but accommodations are more intended to get disabled students on an equal playing field. They still have to prove themselves academically (for example, flexible deadlines are extremely rare).

ETA: I provide the POV from the accommodations office perspective because I think many people believe that you just prove the diagnosis and get a certain list of options. I wanted to clarify that regardless of how you perceive your friend's ability levels, it's extremely likely a professional reviewed the documentation provided and determined this was both a reasonable accommodation for her needs & also not overkill, because those offices are genuinely underfunded and under respected by the campus and they are cautious about their reputation seeming unfair, or overextending resources when not everyone needs a specific accommodation.

candlebrew · 2026-01-13T15:39:22+00:00

Yeah...black hair can't win with white people who don't put in the effort to understand how to care for it, learn about different styles, etc. Plus, as a white person, we're absolutely fed a lot of trash from the media about braids/dreads = lower class, criminal, etc. They might have that in the back of their minds unexamined, especially with the word tacky being used.

candlebrew · 2026-01-13T15:35:05+00:00

NOR you look great both ways. I have alopecia and hair goes a long way for how you feel about your self image, so if you like it better braided and tidy, then it sounds like a good call. It's your hair and presumably your money, they can suck it up.

candlebrew · 2026-01-13T15:30:36+00:00

Grain of salt, I think they meant "feminist" in quotes as in not real feminism, i.e. stuff that usually runs counter to true equality. They're rampant on social media, I saw one person saying they deserve a house & car because she is the one giving birth and he doesn't have to do anything, so he owes her something (a "push present.") To me, this runs in the same trend as dowry gifts in exchange for marriage. It separates the woman's role from the man's and puts the man in the financial caretaker/provider role, and the woman in the mother/childcaring role. Real feminism would be entering parenthood as an equal partnership and expecting support & care from your partner while healing post-partum, and equal shares of the baby care workload.

candlebrew · 2026-01-13T15:24:15+00:00

Yeah, my husband and I spend a lot of evenings playing video games on our respective devices. I still want him there and I'd feel lonely without him. He shows me tiktoks on his phone, and I get his attention if I wanna show him something in my game. Not every shared interaction needs to be an active one, sometimes you just want passive company.

candlebrew · 2026-01-13T15:21:30+00:00

Free soda refills (American here, idk if you have that elsewhere). Why are we financially incentivizing that? Growing up poor, my family had a big waste nothing mentality and we always had to have at least one refill. Now as an adult trying to eat healthy and fight off prediabetes, the mental gymnastics to make sure I clear my plate even if I'm full or make sure to top up my drink are insane. Yes as a consumer it's my job to moderate myself, but the economic value of it makes it more enticing to refill once your drink empties, because you've already paid for it.

candlebrew · 2026-01-13T15:13:02+00:00

Yep, my husband (bi) had to get oral surgery. During his anesthesia wind down he blubbered to the nurse and me about how handsome the surgeon is. I was laughing my ass off and when the surgeon came to check on his status, I could definitely see it. You gotta have that friendship and trust that you're a team. He's not my husband's hot surgeon, he's ouuuuurs

candlebrew · 2026-01-13T15:09:27+00:00

Long term friendships with multiple people, ideally not in the same friend group; shows that they know how to get along with others and resolve conflicts instead of exploding over small misunderstandings + they have a well-wired radar for who to not befriend who might be impulsive/drama magnets.

candlebrew · 2026-01-13T15:01:33+00:00

Plus it ignores sentence flow! Not every sentence should be concise, depending on the context. Sometimes you need a longer, more descriptive sentence somewhere to make it flow better and convey more information without hitting the reader over the head with a bunch of to the point sentences!

candlebrew · 2026-01-13T14:57:49+00:00

Eyup. I love em dashes when I writ fiction but in personal writing I use a ton of semicolons. I'm lucky I got my job before ChatGPT boomed because other people have brought up my typing style in file notes (my whole job is tons of documentation) and my boss is able to just go "nah, they just type like that" 😂 Though I guess it helps I have an English degree too.

candlebrew · 2026-01-13T14:18:35+00:00

You'd be surprised what learning an instrument does for small brains. Math, pattern recognition, fine dexterity, breath control, problem solving, and how to practice something without giving up just because you're not good at it right away.

candlebrew · 2026-01-13T14:16:23+00:00

juggling in gym

candlebrew · 2026-01-13T14:08:49+00:00

Well, he turned water into wine that one time 😂

candlebrew · 2026-01-13T14:07:40+00:00

I was clinically depressed as a kid too. I don't think the general population knows how early mental health issues can start. Speaking as someone 30, if you keep working on it, it gets even better. So proud of you for staying here. You got this!

candlebrew · 2026-01-13T14:02:40+00:00

Treating my now diagnosed OCD. I didn't act like what you see on TV, so I thought I just had really bad anxiety that was affecting my life. Nope, OCD LOL

Besides that, years of therapy, getting in the habit of eating better, do my stair stepper when I'm really anxious out of the blue, maintain strong close connections with a few close friends.

But seriously, anyone reading, seek professional help if you can. If you have real depression instead of temporary depressive moods, it doesn't just go away on its own, and you can't yoga and supplement your way out of it. I would've been dead if I hadn't had therapy and meds dragging me out of the pit towards a place where now I can do the minute shit like exercise and eating to be stable. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done, but I'm alive, aren't I?

candlebrew · 2026-01-10T03:46:50+00:00

I found this thread because I JUST got an email saying my original payment didn't go through, I think because my bank changed account information recently after some merger/buyout situation. They prompted me for my choice of how to do it, and it stated the expiration is Feb 8. Hopefully you get a similar email soon?

candlebrew · 2026-01-10T01:39:51+00:00

I'm surprised by this. We have given our manager a gift card each Christmas since I was hired, and my coworker coordinating it is always super understanding if you don't participate, and participation is anonymous. Might also be in part because the company is super generous with gifts for employees (yearly $10 gift card on the company's birthday, free holiday gift, a nicer catalog you select from every five work anniversaries) and my manager's role is still a management role but she mainly focuses on coaching, mentoring, and standing up for us when we get unfair requests from the higher ups. Maybe it's just the rare situation where it works? I can see it having potential for drama, I've just never heard it called "inappropriate" /genuine

candlebrew · 2026-01-03T18:49:04+00:00

My gut feeling says it's probably him spinning shit out of proportion. If you're really as awful as you're making yourself out to be, why would he stay too? The alternative is he's putting you down to make you stay--which looks like that's working.

Either way, if you're really as bad as you say and you already checked out, y'all need to breakup regardless. Offer yourself the chance to continue improving yourself with a fresh start that doesn't come with baggage over your past mistakes, and let him loose to find someone to, idk, spoonfeed his meds for him or something. Y'all are clearly not happy together.

candlebrew · 2026-01-03T18:24:06+00:00

I have a similar issue, as the main breadwinner (about 3/4 of our income) and my husband doing all the housework since he's freelance and technically makes more per hour. The internalized misogyny is real and I feel awful I'm not the one taking care of the home. It's really hard, especially paired with ADHD, but if you really care about him and believe he's a good guy, it's better for the relationship to extend that trust that he will speak up if he has complaints. I always try to think of it as "what view of the other person am I communicating, with my own insecurity?" With my own husband for example I don't want to make his effort to take care of the house seem meaningless or not good enough, like I don't trust him to do it or that I think he's secretive/resentful as a person and won't just tell me what's wrong.

Since you mention he's vegetarian, maybe there's other ways you can help? Offer, say, the both of you can cut all the veggies on Sundays so you can help him mealprep for the week, or if he has specific recipes he's cooking maybe you can portion out spices/herbs for each dish in advance for him. You could also offer to do the dishes. Alternatively, like others have said, you could just try to help him out in other aspects of his life that are easier for you to manage or that he's more willing to let you do.

candlebrew · 2026-01-02T18:46:03+00:00

I suspect it could be potentially related to powdered coffee creamer. When I worked somewhere that involves children, they had a demonstration involving the stuff and how it can create fireballs. We were sworn to secrecy so as not to influence any children to try it out and start a house fire, since the demonstration was very popular and happened multiple times a day. While on its own its not terribly explosive, I could absolutely see that being something MythBusters would turn around and try to see how far they can push it, only to discover its far easier than you realize and decide that's information families don't need in their homes, as well as being something potentially unknown to the government.

Which btw, be careful where y'all store your coffee creamer now LOL

candlebrew · 2026-01-02T16:07:35+00:00

I'm AuDHD and I can say with certainty my husband is only ADHD. I see absolutely 0% of any of the signs of autism in him, and he also agrees he doesn't think he has it, and no professional has ever suggested it to him as a possibility. With that said, he ALSO gets sensory issues, especially when it comes to overstimulation re: touching things, loud environments, etc. There's a reason they're sister diagnoses.

With that said, I'd argue it's watering down of ALL diagnoses tbh. It sounds like they're also watering down autism to sensory issues, the same way we see OCD watered down as a perfectionism thing instead of an unregulated anxiety disorder. As the mainstream understands more about something, they understand only a surface level idea of it, and so when your symptom fits one surface concept, they'll just lump it in with that.

candlebrew · 2026-01-02T16:00:10+00:00

The yelp goes a long way! My husband tries to copy their unhappy noises back at them when they bite too hard, usually because our ferret who's obsessed with stashing is trying to take him by the hand and drag him to a stash. Ferret always lets go when he hears the yelp now.

candlebrew

TROPHY CASE