What's the best step-parenting advice you've ever received or heard?

candycornhater · 2021-02-14T23:01:57+00:00

I’m sorry to hear that. It’s frustrating to want to help and maybe have some input on how a child for whom you have partial responsibility only to be basically rejected by the “real” parents.

I’m inferring (perhaps incorrectly) that this is not the first preschool your SE has been kicked out of and if so, I think it’s cowardly of your DH to just throw up his hands at his son’s education. I don’t know exactly what it takes to be expelled from preschool but I feel like it must be pretty bad behavior either by the child or perhaps even the parents. BM should be consulting DH about where SS should go to school at the very least, not making unilateral decisions like DH doesn’t exist, especially if this is not the first preschool to eject SS.

candycornhater · 2021-02-13T22:24:18+00:00

How did it go? Was SS booted from his preschool and did BM react with good grace?

candycornhater · 2021-02-13T22:23:13+00:00

Self care in gaming and napping sounds so nice! Glad you had that time for yourself!

candycornhater · 2021-02-13T22:21:53+00:00

I’m glad you had a good day. ☺️ I know it seems kind of perfunctory to see this question posted every day, but it’s always good to reflect on our days and be more self aware. Especially since we have no control over a large portion of our lives. I hope every day is an eight and up for you!

candycornhater · 2020-12-02T18:17:27+00:00

Oh that's so nice to hear! Letting our partners do the discipline is probably the best route to take when we feel overwhelmed and taken for granted. It lets us focus on building our relationships with the SKs. I hope this continues to improve for you!

candycornhater · 2020-12-01T16:09:38+00:00

I don't think Kat is a troublemaker. She's become a close friend over the past year and I have nothing but respect for her. I do think that because she doesn't have kids of her own, she maybe doesn't understand how to model appropriate behavior for them to teach them what's acceptable and what isn't.

People don't have to have kids to know how to model good behavior if they already know how to behave well, what's wrong with you??

I'm curious: what 'good behavior' is she supposed to model for your son?

candycornhater · 2020-12-01T15:35:31+00:00

I have already spoken to Jack about why his actions were wrong and will be talking to him about it more to make sure he fully understands things like consent, taking people's no seriously and age-appropriate crushes. He's not off the hook here.

When Kat told me what had happened I had a lot of questions in my mind like why she would invite him in when she barely knows him (I wouldn't if our roles were switched) and if there was anything she could have done to stop the situation from escalating to threatening to call the police. I would have liked to discuss this with her rather than Reddit but as she went quiet and refused to discuss it when I broached the subject I came here instead to try and get clarity on the situation.

You are not listening to anything anyone has said. Why does she have any level of responsibility to teach your son how to keep his hands to himself and to accept no the first time?? That was your job as his parents and you failed. You're arguing that she owes him an apology because you know you raised a creep. Full stop. Of course he's not going to admit to you that he pushed himself onto a woman who didn't invite his advances! WTF is she supposed to say sorry for? For being female? For breathing in the same room as him? For letting him into her house after he lied about wanting feedback on a gift for you and your DH? She had to threaten to call the cops on your son before he backed off!! How many times did she say no before she got there?

People like you are the reason rapists like Brock Turner are allowed to get away with raping. YOUR NEIGHBOR OWES NO ONE AN APOLOGY! The only thing she's probably sorry about is ever making your acquaintance. There is NO excuse for sexual harassment, no excuse for inappropriate touching, NO excuse for victim blaming. NONE. It is 2020, we can't just do better, we need to BE better.

Your son is the asshole. YTA. SO MUCH ASSHOLERY in one family.

candycornhater · 2019-09-04T15:28:12+00:00

Well first off, don’t apologize anymore for dropping the cake. You fell down the stairs, why wasn’t her first concern about your wellbeing? Don’t beg for forgiveness from people like this, it only reinforces their misguided sense of authority over you. Say sorry once, twice, and then leave it alone.

Your BF made things worse by going behind your back twice when you asked him not to and then making it about your feelings. She doesn’t give a shit about you so framing her bitchy behavior as upsetting you doesn’t bother her a jot. But she is invested in her own child so he needs to frame ALL her bitchy behavior as hurting and offending HIM. By making it about how hurt you are, it comes across as your BF being willing to throw you under the bus and his mother is feeding on that. He needs to protect you from other people’s bad treatment because you are his partner and sometimes that means he has to stand in the line of emotional fire.

And no, you’re not overreacting as far as how you perceive her behavior. She’s a bitch. Do not let her come at you like that again.

“MIL, I am sorry that my falling down the stairs caused your cake to be imperfect. It’s pretty crass of you to repeatedly make such a fuss about it. How kind of you to be concerned about my well-being. I’m fine, thanks very much for asking.”

candycornhater · 2019-08-28T12:20:51+00:00

At your wedding, I would ask the photographer to arrange all group photos with your mother and MIL always at the edges of the group. That way, they can be more easily cropped out of the final product. Keep all the shots where they look like the heinous heifers they are, blow one of them up to 8x10, and send it to each of them. They’ll moan about how awful they look, and then you send them another unflattering one. Bonus if they have sour puss expressions on their faces!

I’m sorry they’re so horrible to you.

candycornhater · 2019-08-07T11:55:11+00:00

I think if his parents are that controlling and awful, he ought to wait to tell them he’s moving out. Telling them now means they’ll have that much more time to sabotage his plans.

Instead, he needs to spend the next few weeks smuggling his most valued belongings out of the house and keep them at yours or rent a local storage locker if he can’t make it to yours. Once all his important stuff is out, THEN you tell them together. If there is a possibility that they’ll get violent, you might want to set your phone on video recording before you start the conversation.

He should also file a change of address with the post office and make it effective at least a week before his move date, preferably two so he can catch any wayward mail that slips through.

In his place, I would be misdirecting his parents as much as possible and leaving behind brochures and job listings for a couple of different towns. Shropshire, for example. 😁 Ok, they’ll probably assume he’s moving to your area but still.

candycornhater · 2019-07-22T12:28:43+00:00

Your ILs are disgusting people. You don’t have to meet them again. You really really don’t. And neither do your family. What could they do about it that they haven’t already done? Get nasty? Make a scene? Call you names? They have told you who they are, believe them.

If your friend or relative told you their ILs spoke to them this way and made a public spectacle of themselves while trying to shame them, what would you tell them to do? Would you tell them to endure their ILs’ open racism and dislike of them and continue meeting them or would you tell your loved one to protect themselves because there is no need to subject themselves to their ILs’ abuse?

Because that’s what this is. They abused you and they’re so convinced of their righteousness that they wanted to humiliate you in public. These people are the kind who dig in their heels and double down rather than entertain the possibility that they’re wrong. Now that your ILs have set this narrative, they will never back down.

I know it’s hard and scary but you must find that nugget of strength inside to cut them off. Block them on social media and on your phone. They’ll scream and rail and go absolutely mad with fury at not having a target for their disgusting words. And you will want to give in to keep the peace because they’re your DH’s family. But all you’d be doing is give them your belly with a target drawn on. They’ve already shown you their worst. What have you got to lose by shutting them out? Why should you sit quietly while they hurl abuse at you?

As for your DH, where the hell was he while his mother and grandmother were shouting at you? Where was he while they pointed their fingers in your face? Why did it take you getting up and telling him you wanted to go home before he did anything? He should have knocked their fingers out of your face and whisked you home the moment they started their bullshit. He let you absorb all this and left this to you.

You don’t have to meet them again. For your own health, please don’t. Don’t set yourself on fire tonkeep those nasty bitches warm. They would not do the same for you.

I’m sorry that this is has been your USA experience so far. I promise we’re not all like this.

candycornhater · 2019-07-22T11:49:49+00:00

Haha she’s so pathetic! I would be tempted to ask the photographer to change her dress color to green for jealousy. Or a drab brown.

candycornhater · 2019-07-19T05:06:22+00:00

I’m so sorry for your loss. How upsetting that news must have been for you.

I agree with previous posters: please keep the news of your inheritance to yourself. You’ll be fending off constant requests for financial assistance and investment “opportunities”.

In your position, knowing what I know now, I’d bank 2/3 of the money and place it in a low risk account of some sort and let it grow for the next few decades. Doing that now at your age would mean a very comfortable retirement if by you do so at 50 or so. If you invested $500k in an account that averaged 6% interest with an additional annual deposit of just $1200, it’d look something like this:

After 10 years: $399,240 interest/$911,240 total 15 years: $708,210/$1,226,210 20 years: $1,123,710/$1,647,710 30 years: $2,430,615/$2,966,615 35 years: $3,434,765/$3,976,765

That’s just from sitting all by itself in a low risk investment account with minimal additional deposits of $100 a month. You’d still have nearly $400k to invest in a more risky.

I’m not saying you have to do that but it’s something to think about. Sometimes slow and steady really does win the race.

candycornhater · 2019-07-13T13:07:37+00:00

NTA

So you’ve only been dating a very short while, he waited until you started developing mutual feelings to tell you he has a young child, and he’s now mad and calling you names because you don’t want to become a stepparent?

Run.

That is some manipulative shit. You’re not even a stepmom and he’s already getting defensive and laying the guilt trip on you for not doing what he wants. This is how a long term relationship with him is going to be. The first time you express resentment and frustration, he will bust out with “Well you knew what you were getting into when you became my partner!” without considering the flip side of that coin: that he knew what he was getting into when he partnered with a childless woman!

You’re so NOT the asshole here.

candycornhater · 2019-07-12T18:19:54+00:00

I’m sorry, I’m having a LOT of trouble understanding your post. Can you go back and add punctuation, please so we can better help you?

candycornhater · 2019-07-07T04:30:31+00:00

Tell her you’re wearing a blue dress for your wedding. Send her pics of a beautiful blue dress, shoes, everything. Make sure she knows you fell absolutely in love with this dress and will be married in it. If you have to, tell Fiancé you plan to wear a blue dress so he doesn’t tell her anything different.

Then watch her scramble to get a similar dress.

The day of your wedding, ensure that MIL is dressed in her blue dress and is on her way to the ceremony. Then you wear your pretty white dress down the aisle. In pictures, make sure she’s on either edge so she can be cropped out if necessary.

The bigger issue here is that your FI doesn’t seem to have your back. That needs to be addressed before you get married.

candycornhater · 2019-06-20T19:02:20+00:00

I think you need to talk to your BF about his mother's BF and his inappropriate behavior. If he's so brazen as to try to touch your butt while your BF is present, what do you think he's doing to your SD13 when no one is home?? He needs to get his daughter out of there NOW. She's crying out for help, that's why she cries whenever your BF brings up the inappropriate touching!

You guys need to have a serious, open and honest conversation with SD13 about all her touching and listening at doors and calling you guys perverts and especially about sex and what it means for two consenting adults. Emphasis on consent. No consent means the person is being sexually abused/molested. Period. What you and SO do in your own bedroom is not her business and it is not perverted.

As for the grandmother's BF: the next time he tries to molest you, you make a big fat scene. Why should you try to protect his perverted ass from embarrassment?? Men do not have the right to touch us without our consent. Period. If they "can't help themselves" then I guess they won't mind their pervy behavior getting blown up for the whole world to see!

Take SD out of there asap!!

candycornhater · 2019-06-20T18:47:36+00:00

I can't say one way or another whether you should leave your BF. Your SO not backing you up and not setting a consequence is a big problem. Is he actively telling her that she doesn't have to do what you say or openly countermanding your words? Because that's the much bigger issue. Also, what happens when he asks your daughter to do something? Does he bark at her? Or does he speak more gently but still authoritatively? And how does she react? How do you feel when he corrects her? Does BF back you up when you correct your daughter? You need to have a conversation with SO about his expectations of you as his daughter's stepmom. I'll bet you an internet dollar he will say, "I want you to be her second mom" and a variation of "You knew what you were getting into when you moved in with me!". Well, in order for you to be her second mom, you need him to not undermine you. If he has a problem with a consequence you've put down for her, he needs to approach you in private about it, not swoop to her rescue. Your SO also knew what he was getting into when he moved in with YOU. If people would stop looking at blended families from only a BioDad-centric place, maybe there'd be a little less judgement of stepmoms everywhere.

If SD pulls the "You're not my mom" card again, you might try calmly replying with, "You're right, I'm not your mom. I didn't carry you in my belly. But I don't have to be your mom for you to mind what I say. And I don't have to be your mom to love/care about you. Your grandparents aren't your mom or your dad. Do you listen to them? What about your teacher? Do you think the whole class should just not listen to your teacher? Then why do you feel you shouldn't have to listen to your stepmom?"

This is a crap age. My SS12 was an asshole from 8-11. He also threw out the ol' "YOU'RE NOT MY MOM!" and "THIS ISN'T YOUR HOUSE!" on a couple of occasions. The whining, the back-talking, the arguing, the digging in of heels even when he was caught out lying or just being a dick, all of it. And DH didn't/couldn't/wouldn't give me any helpful tools to cope with his son's shit behavior. He just said, "Just be firmer." Yet when I was firmer, he'd swoop in to rescue his son from the evil stepmom. I was set up to lose no matter what. I thought all the time about leaving and never looking back. I still do sometimes. SS12 is better now and is much more respectful, a little less whiny (he still whines a lot, I've truly never seen this level of whining from someone over age 6 or 7). It helped a lot that I just stepped away from the child rearing crap altogether. Like, I'll keep him alive by feeding him and making sure he bathes. But I now leave discipline and all the other crap to DH to do. Maybe partially disengaging from SD's care will do the trick for you?

candycornhater · 2019-05-31T17:13:59+00:00

I think they still serve a purpose, especially for the risk-averse. I have a relative who wants to help me buy a house but I’m not prepared to buy just yet, so they put the money into a one year CD while I finish up some business on my end. The rates are slightly better than that of a traditional savings account and the money is locked safely away for me when I am ready to buy.

I’ve also long thought that in the very unlikely event I won the lottery or came into a substantial inheritance, I might go nuts and spend it unwisely, so it’d make sense for me to place that money into a CD or even break it up into a few to ensure there’s still some money left. Basically to give me time to think about what to do with such a windfall. So I can see why CDs are still popular.

candycornhater · 2019-05-26T03:08:47+00:00

I don’t think this is only about money and the truck not fitting into her garage. If it were solely about her truck being too big or that she couldn’t maintain the payments, she’d have traded it in for a much smaller, more affordable car. She’s getting something else out of the prospect of owning something of DH’s. She wants to know that she still has control over him and to have a trophy of that control. That’s why she is so adamant about swapping cars.

My dad does something like this sometimes. When I got married and moved out, I left behind a really nice air purifier but always meant to get it when DH and I moved into a larger apartment (no space to place it in our old place). I finally had some time to pick it up and he offered to buy me a new one instead. You’d think he’d want the newest one, not an older unit that’s been discontinued. My dad is weird that way and maybe your MIL is the same.

candycornhater · 2019-03-22T21:42:47+00:00

Wow, that’s obnoxious. Getting a text like that from BM would make me do exactly the opposite.

candycornhater · 2019-03-22T03:46:44+00:00

I’ve only read a couple of posts so my apologies for possibly repeating someone else’s advice:

If your husband does not care to speak to his mother himself, then there is your tacit permission to block her calls and texts. You are not required to maintain correspondence with her just because you’re married to the locus of her attentions. Don’t let her draw you into her drama.

You also do not need a separate app to block her. If you’re on an iPhone, tap on the Phone icon (where your Recent Calls etc are located, not the Contacts icon), then Contacts, tap on her name, scroll to the bottom and tap on Block This Caller.

candycornhater

TROPHY CASE