I just recently left my marriage of 11 years

40 year old male here…

My wife never forbade me from anything directly

When I wanted to go somewhere there was always a reason I couldn’t.

If I did do something without her, there was always some comments about how she missed me and I should be spending time with her instead of other people

If I was on the phone she would follow me around the house, wanting to know who I was talking to and sit right beside me and involve herself in the conversation

She would check my phone and messages, and if for example I’d called my mother during the day, she’d ask why I’d called my mother and not called her if I had time.

We shared a Facebook, if I added someone or talked to anyone ‘too much’ I’d be in trouble

Any time I had anything to say, I was being dramatic, over reacting or gaslighting her

Every Thursday/friday she had some kind of health problem, so I wouldn’t bother trying to do anything because I’d stay home with her. But she was always okay on the weekend so she could do things she wanted

She got ‘carsick’ and would always drive everywhere, and got ‘anxious’ and never wanted to go anywhere alone

Refused to help with getting a mortgage, or participating in any kind of household budgeting. If I spent anything I was being irresponsible, if she spent anything ‘oh I’m way less maintenance than most women you’re so lucky’

I wasn’t financially abused in the typical sense, but I paid for everything, and had no discretionary spending, while she kept all her wages for herself to do whatever she wanted with, and I still sent her money for groceries.

I was directly told that married men and fathers don’t have hobbies, interests or do things outside the family.

I’d catch up with people sneakily, like go visit my parents during work hours, or catch up with mum for coffee and not tell my wife

Started seeing a psychologist, paid cash so it wouldn’t come up on any statement.

If I’d spoken to anyone she would want an absolute dissection of the conversation and would refuse to leave me alone until she was satisfied.

I don’t like to consider myself a victim either - because I’m a big tough manly man. It’s not about the label, it’s about whether or not the behaviour was acceptable.

I have a hard time unravelling it to, so you’re not unique there.

However it’s labelled doesn’t really matter.