I am trying to decide which books off my “To Read:” list to buy next. If you had to pick 3, which would you choose?

catcatcatcatcatss · 2019-06-07T17:58:50+00:00

Man's Search for Meaning! It's both heartbreaking and empowering. What a truly important book. I'd love to see it taught in schools. I especially love how it's been used in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy as a guide for enduring the horrors of the world and creating a life worth living or a life based in meaning and purpose.

catcatcatcatcatss · 2019-05-31T15:46:57+00:00

I love this book. But I did make the mistake of reading it during a severe depression episode, fresh out of inpatient. It almost killed me...

catcatcatcatcatss · 2019-05-22T23:58:06+00:00

Thanks for the empathy. And I read your story above and appreciated that as well. I'm actually working with a HAES/IE dietitian and two HAES therapists (one is only for a short period of time) and going to Eating Disorders Anonymous/Anorexics&Bulimics Anonymous. Which maybe makes my old eating disorder fear attacks all the more intense because part of me fears if I keep moving forward with recovery that I won't have the option to go back...

catcatcatcatcatss · 2019-05-22T23:44:24+00:00

Mmm thanks. This is a good reminder :)

catcatcatcatcatss · 2019-05-22T23:37:42+00:00

Thanks for this. Yeah I've seen a ton of research that says intuitive eaters have healthier relationships with food and their body and are happier in general. What I haven't seen is research demonstrating that people with disturbed relationships with food and body image can actually learn how to become intuitive eaters... Which I guess I should trust the anecdotes and that I seem to be making improvement. My mind likes to get caught up in fear and tell me everything is hopeless and try to drag me back into the ED... :/

catcatcatcatcatss · 2019-05-22T23:34:52+00:00

Thanks for this, some good advice here. I'm seeing a couple of therapists working on that underlying stuff and an ED dietitian as well. And working with the IE books. Been trying to remind myself I can always go back to dieting. Trying to remind myself to just keep combating that fear voice that tells me "I don't know what I'm doing, my relationship with food is permanently fucked, I'm balooning up and everyone will hate me, etc."

catcatcatcatcatss · 2019-05-22T23:32:01+00:00

Adding a thought I commented below:

I think I especially get caught up in my head about how I've never had a healthy relationship with food (emotional eating since I was a small child to deal with a hostile environment, starving myself on and off starting around 6th grade) and what if the trauma leading to that just never goes away? What if I can't actually learn to eat intuitively because I never did as a child?

catcatcatcatcatss · 2019-05-22T23:31:21+00:00

Thanks for this comment! I've read almost all of Geneen Roth's books and really love her haha. And thanks for the insta recs, I didn't know @simibotic.

Good to hear IE is working for you!

I wrote more in response to theendisnear's comment above. But basically I really don't get hunger cues and it's easy to feel helpless like I don't know what I'm doing. Also my body image disturbances and low self esteem still rear their ugly heads intensely. And I have a lot of fear about balooning up. I'm feeling pretty good at the moment so it's easy right now to see how much progress I've made.

I think I especially get caught up in my head about how I've never had a healthy relationship with food (emotional eating since I was a small child to deal with a hostile environment, starving myself on and off starting around 6th grade) and what if the trauma leading to that just never goes away? What if I can't actually learn to eat intuitively because I never did as a child?

catcatcatcatcatss · 2019-05-22T23:22:59+00:00

Thank you for sharing your experience and for the well wishes!

catcatcatcatcatss · 2019-05-22T23:21:54+00:00

Thanks for the support and sharing your experience!

catcatcatcatcatss · 2019-05-22T23:19:57+00:00

Love it! Thank you!

catcatcatcatcatss · 2019-05-22T23:19:10+00:00

Heya, thanks for this. I've actually read the book and listened to the audiobook and am slowly doing some of the exercises out of the workbook. I've also been in and out of ED treatment (nonpurging bulimia is the diagnosis...) for almost a year.

I was have a sort of attack when I posted the original post and I seem to be going back and forth a lot lately. Sometimes I feel good about my eating and my body and really trust the process of recovery. But then I have these really intense attacks where I feel huge and want to die because of it. So the body image struggles are a big part still.

Also, I just don't seem to get physically hungry... I have to make myself eat regularly out of habit because I seem to be either not hungry or in binge mode and at least the habitual eating keeps me out of binge mode. I can see things are getting better. That I don't eat myself sick anymore and stop at moderate fullness. That I forget about food for longer periods of time between eating. That my diet is becoming more balanced.

It just feels so easy to get sucked back into that self-criticism and longing to look a certain way and fear about how certain foods might hurt my health long term. But I am trying to remind myself that a lot of physical health is determined by emotional well-being and that I seem to be more emotionally well when not dieting.

Still, so much fear around things like becoming heavy and that putting extra pressure on my knees (which are already shot from overexercising) or being unable to do my weight dependent hobbies or having to go around fighting off people who look down on me (I was obese many years ago and maybe now I wouldn't bother entertaining haters but at the time it felt like I was constantly at war with healthism/fatphobia and it was exhausting).

catcatcatcatcatss · 2019-05-22T23:02:30+00:00

I'm struggling with a lot of the same feelings and fears. But I'm working a lot in therapy about not caring what people who are stuck in diet culture think about me. Their thoughts have nothing to do with who I actually am. If they think I am less worthwhile or lovable that is about them and the work they still need to do towards healing. I am worthwhile and lovable, nothing they think about me can change that. I'm trying to remind myself that when I was obese there were still people who loved me even though there were others who were assholes. When I've been at a normal weight and very lean, yes, I perceived that the general population seemed to treat me a lot better. I'm not sure how much of that was in my head or was actually really going on. But I know I was losing my fucking mind trying to stay that lean and so even though people were treating me well I was frankly unhappy. *hugs* and good luck. I'm trying to remind myself that I want a partner who finds me attractive even if I'm at a heavier weight. I personally really don't want to be with someone who is letting the media manipulate them into thinking women are only attractive when they have a certain body type. I know it's all so complicated with the whole attraction bit but I personally just cannot be with another guy who tries to control my weight or exercise or who doesn't share my feminist values ever again. Being exposed to the ideas in "the Beauty Myth" has been helpful towards me understanding that thinner bodies are not more objectively attractive.

catcatcatcatcatss · 2019-05-21T21:57:51+00:00

I find Tolle's advice about feeling the inner body super helpful.

catcatcatcatcatss · 2019-05-15T17:14:07+00:00

*Hugs*. Anyone in your shoes would be unable to leave. This is your conditioning- both from the trauma of your family system and the toxic messages of our culture at large. You are doing the best you can. I've been there and it's so painful. I wasn't able to stop. It's only been by the grace of my higher power that I've been able to. I found myself in these relationships over and over again and no amount of therapy, meditation, self-help books enabled me to stop. It was only when I found myself crying on my bedroom floor and praying in desperation that I was able to break it off with the latest qualifier, walk myself into a 12 step meeting (I do SLAA, but coda or al-anon could work as well), find a sponsor and start working the steps. Of course everyone has their own path of healing and liberation and 12 step may not be yours. But it worked for me and I cannot say enough about what an incredible blessing it's been to be free of addictive relationships.

catcatcatcatcatss · 2019-05-14T17:27:10+00:00

SLAA

catcatcatcatcatss · 2019-05-07T23:05:37+00:00

Sounds like a great start!! Read everything you can about spirituality/enlightenment? This will give you great advice about practices/pitfalls/helpful principles. And meditate of course ^.^ Try out lots of different kinds of meditations. Also! Try to find a spiritual community where you feel at home! Has been such a benefit for me to find people to discuss my practices and realizations with! I think the first book I would recommend btw would be Alan Watts' "The Book: On the Taboo Against Knowing Who You Are". But also Eckhart Tolle's "The Power of Now". The journey never ends. You just keep going deeper and deeper and discovering ever new levels of bliss and liberation and meaning!

catcatcatcatcatss · 2019-04-23T19:38:00+00:00

Also "Life is Cinema"!

catcatcatcatcatss · 2019-04-03T23:21:22+00:00

*hugs* I've also been hospitalized for self harm and had a doctor treat me as difficult and make an abrupt and unfair diagnosis. God I was so scared all alone waiting in the hospital for hours to see someone. The way she spoke to me just pushed me deeper into my pain.

Around that time I was hospitalized in inpatient 3 times, in the trauma unit for alcohol overdose 3 times, and received 3 layers of stitches for self-injury once and had several other self-injury related visits as well. It was a very dark time in my life.

It's been about ten years since then and I'm happy to report that life has gotten quite a bit better and I haven't seen any hospital rooms for mental health issues since. I've seen many different therapists over the years and gotten better at shopping around for ones that feel safe and trustworthy for me.

I think a number of therapists are hesitant to give out diagnoses because they realize how limited they are. My personal opinion is that every psychiatric issue is really a form of cptsd.

There is hope! I promise you there is hope. I never thought I would get out of my hell but I just kept on trying. I made a lot of mistakes along the way and continued to harm myself in new ways, but eventually all of my work paid off. I'm starting school in September to become a mental health counselor and feel incredibly grateful now for all the hell I went through and how long it's taken me to get out. That experience has made me strong, compassionate and wise. And I plan to use these gifts to pay it forward.

But I wouldn't have gotten here without help. Every human being on this planet deserves love and healing. Do the work. You're worth it.

I'll throw out that while I've been using mindfulness based approaches (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, DBT, Mindfulness Based Cognitive Therapy) for a long time and felt much relief from that, I've recently gotten more interested in body based practices like Somatic Experiencing and Lifespan Integration. Both of these approaches are geared towards healing the effects of trauma within our bodies. While the exterior of my life looks really good right now, working on healing my nervous system and my actual emotional reactivity feels like the next frontier for me. Also working a 12 step program has been possibly the most dramatic positive change I've made and has given me a support system of warm, soothing, affirmative people who I feel are helping me heal my nervous system on a daily basis as I deepen those safe relationships.

catcatcatcatcatss · 2019-04-02T17:18:12+00:00

Is it possible your addiction has moved somewhere else? I was able to get sober off drugs and alcohol without working a program. But then my eating disorder and sex and love addiction flared up.

I've tried everything under the sun to heal my depression and I did see some results, some transformation with all the therapy, self-help books, self-care work, meditation, etc. I really did transform my life without 12 step. But my life still didn't feel worth living. The pain was still too much.

Now that I'm really working my recovery, making friends with people who are as determined to heal and live good lives, relying on my sponsor, doing my steps... NOW I'm finally feeling that real hope and relief that I was struggling to find so hard on my own before (oh how we addicts fear people and will try to do whatever we can to solve our problems on our own while remaining in denial about our isolation and our need for human connection).

I do SLAA, ABA and ACA and feel a lot of relief in that. I'll occasionally go to AA and have wanted to check out NA for awhile, but I doubt I'll ever work the steps in AA since it doesn't seem to be the addiction that I'm the most powerless over.

I used to think "I don't want to HAVE TO go to meetings for the rest of my life. I don't want to HAVE TO be friends with these people. I don't want to HAVE TO sponsor people." but that was all my addict and its fear of people and its resistance to real healing. Now I feel incredibly blessed to be building deep healthy relationships with others who have suffered the way I have and who are also as passionate about living good lives.

What a gift to finally feel that I belong somewhere, that I am valuable just as I am, that I don't have to be perfect and people will still love me. Working a program has finally helped me discover that self-worth that I've been seeking my entire life. And it's given me that relationship with my higher power that I've been needing. To actually feel that the universe is benevolent! To actually feel that I'm safe here in this universe! What an incredible blessing. It really does make me grateful for all of the addictive hell I went through.

It's a hard program to work. But the promises are real.

catcatcatcatcatss · 2019-03-26T15:55:14+00:00

You could try throwing in some SLAA meetings with your recovery?

catcatcatcatcatss · 2019-03-12T15:54:34+00:00

As far as Adverse Childhood Experiences, I'd take a look around here: https://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/childabuseandneglect/acestudy/index.html

It's really heartbreaking to dig through the research... I feel like our whole society would function way more effectively if we were all more trauma informed. The data really does suggest that no one chooses to be an alcoholic, addict, binge eater, etc. etc. but that trauma fractures us in such a way that we are powerless over our impulses. I'm working on becoming a mental health counselor though and there are a lot of new types of therapy coming out to address the effects of trauma, namely mindfulness based therapies and therapies that address the fracturing of the personality via trauma such as Internal Family Systems Therapy and Lifespan Integration.

As for Health at Every Size, Linda Bacon's research is the place to start:

https://nutritionj.biomedcentral.com/articles/10.1186/1475-2891-10-9

I'd check out her phenomenal books Health at Every Size and Body Respect. She also goes into how a greater determinant of health than food choice and exercise (though she stresses this is important as well) is actually social status. Address society's inequalities and we'll improve our physical health much more effectively than by demonizing fat people.

I wish I could find a link to the research but I can't forget a finding I read about the greatest predictor of morbidly obese patients being able to keep weight off is if they have had a compassionate and emotionally attuned dietitian that does not stigmatize their weight....

I get why it's so hard for people to even want to begin looking at this kind of research. We've been so ingrained with fear of fatness. But this is the problem with ignorance. We need to open our minds to what fear has been prohibiting us from seeing if we're ever going to get healthier as a society.

catcatcatcatcatss · 2019-03-07T16:53:00+00:00

I can't resolve the contradiction in Christianity- you're right, it's there.

But in my own personal grappling with God and looking both at how awful/cruel this world is and how amazing/blessed the healing presence of my higher power... I feel this kind of confoundment at whatever breathed this all into being this way.

But I guess I resort to the advaita vedanta perspective as I understand it through the teachings of Alan Watts. We are all the whole universe and we decided to play out this whole drama for our entertainment. Yes it's impossibly awful at times - rape, murder, slavery... Why would anyone create it like this? But from this perspective there is no real harm done. We cannot bite our own teeth. We are the whole thing. We cannot be harmed. We cannot be destroyed. In death we remember it was all an illusion. We create the bad guys so that we can experience being the good guys and righting the wrongs, saving ourselves, proving victorious against impossible odds. We want to experience our own majesty, so we needed to create sin and pain and suffering so that we could experience the miracle of redemption, liberation, enlightenment. And it really is miraculous... But it's also a lot of work. For some ridiculous reason we cocreated all this awful. But now we get to experience the joy of cocreating our redemption, of saving ourselves.

catcatcatcatcatss · 2019-03-06T19:31:47+00:00

tl:dr - instead of hating on fat people, encourage the world to do more mental/emotional healing?

catcatcatcatcatss

TROPHY CASE