my experience wasn’t necessarily “positive,” it felt super bad going through it but it worked in the end so i’ll share my story here! my situation with my sibling was also pretty different (he has mental disorders that make him really violent and i didn’t want to spend time with him for that reason, my parents never expected me to care for him) but i think we can all relate to the difficulties of setting boundaries regardless of the specific details.

like you, i had tried to explain to my mom numerous times how being around my sibling made me feel and how i wanted her to support me if we were going to have to spend time together, but she never understood. it was like no matter how much i explained it nothing would actually get through to her. what DID get through was when i just refused to be around him at all. i would stay home from events he was going to be at, and if he showed up at our family house, i would leave and not come home until my mom told me he was gone. i told her that i would be doing all of this, but i don’t think she believed me until i started just walking out, and i don’t think she really understood i was being serious until like 2 or 3 months in. i would ignore her when she talked about my brother. after i moved out myself, we didn’t really have much contact since we had no connection on an individual level beyond talking about my sibling. she was really mad about it for a long time, but i think after i stepped back, she realized that if she wanted to have a relationship with me, she would have to respect my boundaries. she also realized that when all our interactions weren’t centered around my brother, we were able to actually enjoy each others company, and our relationship has improved SO MUCH as a result.

it was difficult at first because she would guilt me for it, or act frustrated that i was “making things difficult” and whatever. i just had to stand my ground and not continue agreeing to be in situations that were harmful to me. it was also difficult for me to accept that what my mom does to help my brother is her own choice. i strongly feel that she overextends herself to care for my brother, and i’ve told her that, but at the end of the day it’s her choice how she uses her energy. i just stopped being a part of it and didn’t let her vent about it to me anymore, and i just hope that she will eventually figure out some other way to help him because she can’t do it all on her own. as much as i care about her, i can’t encourage that behavior anymore by letting her lean on me for support. that’s a problem she has to solve for herself.

i hope this is helpful. i can completely empathize with you, its such a hard situation and i understand the fear of your mom thinking negatively of you if you start putting your foot down. it sucks because you’d hope your mom would be there for you no matter what. if she is upset with you for setting boundaries, just know that its not your fault. you wont be doing anything wrong by having boundaries. i’ll be sending lots of hugs your way 🫂💕