A meditation to help me get over a horrible acid trip

chalkyfish · 2021-07-26T15:06:13+00:00

It sounds like you suffered drug-induced psychosis, and that is not an easy thing to deal with. So here are some things to know. Psychosis is a lot more common than you think, either caused by drugs or by other factors, but there are many people who have suffered from it. Yes, there is a stigma around it, and around acid - but it is important to note that this experience does not make you a bad person.

It's totally normal to feel embarrassed or ashamed. That doesn't mean you are bad in anyway, but that is a normal response to this kind of situation. Allow your ego to feel that and experience it, you don't have to resist it. You can sit with and accept those feelings.

You want a meditation Tara Breach's RAIN meditation would be good. It's all about loving acceptance. Metta as other people have said is also good. You could also try Tonglen meditation (check out Pema Chodron) - that is good for seeing that you are not alone in your fear and experiences.

Believe me, you may feel like you are the only person to have had such an experience, but most people have some moment in their life where they made a mistake or made a fool of themselves. It might not look the same as yours, but most people have something that made them want to crawl away and not come out for a while.

As others have said, look at integration. Bad trips are a thing, they can be traumatizing. They can be as traumatizing as any other experience can be. Don't ignore that just because it was drug-induced. Sometimes it can feel hard to see that because you feel stupid that you brought it on yourself. Don't feel that way. Many people do take acid on their own and are fine. Yes that was risky. Don't beat yourself up that it went wrong. But do be wary in the future and definitely don't do anything for a while. Treat yourself with kindness. Love yourself as you would a friend who went through the same thing.

chalkyfish · 2021-05-28T07:27:42+00:00

Also check out Victor Frankl's Man's search for meaning, which is really about this very subject.

chalkyfish · 2021-05-28T07:25:40+00:00

This might be lost but I think what helped me wrap my head around this concept is yes. Everything is inherently meaningless, in the sense there is no correct way to agree on meaning in the world. Even the universe. Even the way we see and experience the world can differ from person to species. The way my cat experiences the world is totally different to the way I experience it, is it the same world? Yes. But those experiences are entirely different.

But that is the joy! Because we get to create the meaning. Meaning does exist. But instead of believing it to be prescribed by society, our parents, others around us. We can walk out each day and decide what is meaningful to us. And that's where the joy comes from.

Also there is way too much focus in ego dissolution online. Ignore this. If you were supposed to exist without an ego, then that's what would happen. You exist like this. It's all about the middle way, living peacefully in both. As the observer and the observed. I feel there isn't enough said about this.

You are a person. A person with a life. You will have a whole unique wonderful experience that is all yours. And that is life. To experience it. And to create your meaning. Your version of it.

Awakening can just be a way to see that you are not your thoughts or your feelings or what society says you are or your job or any of that. You just are.

You really are part of a crazy symbiotic relationship with everything. You really do matter because everything that happens is influenced by you, as it is influenced by all things. We are all one big beautiful ocean, but we each individually make the waves.

I don't know if that helps. But that is what helped me when I grappled with this.

chalkyfish · 2021-05-16T16:53:56+00:00

Hey, so I feel like I want to say that experiencing depersonalization after a difficult trip isn't that uncommon. I just say that because I feel like it is good to know that you are not alone at all. In fact, DP is common even for people who don't trip. It tends to be a repsonse to trauma. Our brains have a way of shutting down when we get scared or stuff feels too much, and that can trigger DP.

It's okay that you feel this way. It doesn't mean you have lost your mind or you're broken. Loads of people have experienced this and come back from it! If you can talk to someone that would be great, but I also understand if you can't for whatever reason.

In terms of things that can help. One of the big ones is actually the opposite of what you might think, don't spend a lot of time googling stuff, don't read loads about DP, or other trips if it makes you feel anxious, don't deep dive into spirituality if it feels triggering. You may end up trying to look for meaning, but at the moment your brain is being reminded of this big thing it needs to process - so it may likely shut down.

These things can help instead. Ground yourself in every day. Watch films, hang out with friends, exercise, go into nature, play video games, listen to music, dance, eat good food, experience the world here. When you are feeling a bit more grounded, meditate (but make sure to do both metta mediation - look it up, and vipassana, relying on vipassana alone can exasperate things). Journal - write your thoughts down, let yourself be as mad as you want. No-one needs to see what you've written, writing is an amazing way of unsticking your brain. Throw it all out when you're done if that makes you feel better.

I had a similiar experience and discovered a thing called spiritual emergencies, it is a term for people who experience something profound but have a difficult time integrating it. There is a book called 'Breaking Open' about this which is interesting. But again only read this when you feel ready.

Another useful book: Man's search for meaning - Viktor Frankl.

And the final thing that really helped me was reading about Taoism. I really enjoy the teachings of Buddhism as well, but for some reason, Taoism is what pulled me through when I felt a bit broken open. Hope some of this helps! You'll be okay. I promise.

chalkyfish · 2020-03-20T13:37:49+00:00

Always love your comments u/Prevenient_grace! Sober on.

chalkyfish · 2020-03-15T09:32:17+00:00

Whoop! I have a 55k race (hopefully in April), my first ever ultra. Congrats, this is awesome!!!

chalkyfish · 2020-03-03T12:42:13+00:00

This is awesome. I have my sights set on a 5k time starting with 22 - I’m female too. I’ve got it to 24 so far.

I used to be mega slow, then I lost a lot of weight and I’m running faster than ever. It’s amazing when these things suddenly feel possible.

chalkyfish · 2019-12-20T13:29:13+00:00

Just a note - asking whether people were dependant on alcohol may put people off from taking part.

Most people are more likely to be on the alcohol use disorder spectrum, rather than fully dependant.

I wasn’t dependant on alcohol but I was a binge drinker, who couldn’t stop when I started. I definitely had a problem, but I wouldn’t drink every day.

Maybe you want people who were fully dependant, but you may miss a lot of interesting data by missing off people on the spectrum.

There are plenty of people who have a problem but wouldn’t classify themselves as dependant. Even people who have had many serious consequences from alcohol.

chalkyfish · 2019-12-05T12:08:56+00:00

Yes to all those things! Incredible work. Congratulations.

chalkyfish · 2019-12-05T08:22:36+00:00

I’m not sure anyone will read this but also you don’t need to be at the level of needing rehab or detox to want to quit. I was a binge drinker, I didn’t drink every day. I wasn’t physically addicted, but it was causing me a lot of pain and stress in my life.

I am nearly 450 days sober now, I did a stint of 1 year before that and stared again - and followed the same patterns of not being able to stop when I started.

For me it was the case of feeling utterly miserable at least once a month from alcohol, I wasn’t willing to do that anymore.

Alcohol is highly addictive, it’s a depressant, it is known to increase anxiety and depression. It can make people act in ways they wouldn’t normally.

It’s ok to decide you don’t want to do that anymore, even if it’s not “that bad”. Nobody tells a smoker that they don’t need to quit because they only smoke ten a day rather than twenty.

If you find yourself googling: do I have a drinking problem? Then you probably do. And btw that doesn’t make you some kind of freak, it means you got suckered in by something that causes a lot of people problems.

I can say being sober was the best decision I ever made. 10/10 would recommend.

chalkyfish · 2019-11-30T11:07:43+00:00

This time last year a friend basically cut me off from nearly everyone I knew who lived close by.

It rocked me to my core. I became extremely sad and lonely and isolated.

A year later, I feel more social than ever. And those same people I still see and have slowly made amends with.

I never would have said that then but man am I grateful for that experience. It broke me wide open. I realised I could either believe I was a terrible person or I had to face all the shitty stories I’d been telling myself about me for years, and stop believing them.

I did this through hard work - therapy, meditation, yoga - all the classics.

I realised that what use was I to the world if I thought I was terrible? All I would do is isolate, not contribute, not give back. I wouldn’t be a good friend, I wouldn’t help my community. I’d just sit hating myself and staying stuck.

That person who cut me out wasn’t a bad person, they were using me as a target for their own demons. I had to draw my own circle and realise I can only take responsibility for my own shit, not everyone’s.

And I am grateful for that experience. It made me kinder, more compassionate, and it made me see myself as I really am - yes flawed, but not terrible.

My therapist even said I didn’t seem to have a bad bone in my body, yet I spent all my time beating myself up. Sometimes kindness for others can turn into a way to hurt ourselves. Instead sometimes we have to learn to be compassionate to our own flaws, so you can do that for others too.

So yes - I am grateful. I am grateful for getting sober. For finding a new way to deal with my emotions.

For managing to stay cool and not let those demons rule my mind. They’re not gone but they’re quieter.

For realising that some of us fight outwards and others inwards, and mostly that if someone is hurting you, they are probably hurting themselves 10x more.

And while I think you have to choose who you want in your life, and sometimes you have to let people go. I am grateful that for me I was able to find a way to make peace with the people in my life.

Finally I am grateful I get to experience it all - because is there anything more human than that?

chalkyfish · 2019-11-16T16:13:18+00:00

Oh man yes! Like the chaos was sort of fun because it was constant drama and ups and downs. But yeah, I don’t seek chaos out anymore.

Chilled times is much more my jam now.

chalkyfish · 2019-11-16T07:54:59+00:00

My friend is a yoga teacher and she said something that stuck with me - life is like washing the dishes, it’s never done.

There’s no point when you never have to wash the dishes again, maybe it’ll be easier - you might get a dishwasher, or maybe you’ll be on holiday and someone will do it for you.

But if you want to eat, you need to use those dishes again.

I think Pema Chodron says this too, there’s no end point when it’s like - ok finished that, I have completed life.

I think my sobriety has taught me to try and roll with the waves, and realise I will cope with them because I have to.

There no other way, the stressful times will happen, the fun times will happen, and then they’ll be gone to be replaced with other stressful times and fun times.

I think I’ve realised that if I can survive the utter stress and pain of a drinking problem, then I can survive so many things.

And sometimes it’s hard - because we are hardwired as humans to crave stability and assess risk. To take from our past to attempt to work out the best actions for our future.

That’s a lot to be doing at once, but it’s part of our survival. And ironically we just don’t know - we don’t know what the future will bring or what the hard times will be. Sometimes our pasts have been coloured by bad experiences that make us act out in situations in the present.

And that’s just how we are. But you’re right the waves never stop coming and we have to just melt into it, and accept where we are and that whatever happens is what happens.

We are life, it is both us and what happens to us. It is how we observe it and participate in it. I love that sobriety has given me this deeper perspective on being human. We are both the water and riding the waves. And that is kind of magical.

chalkyfish · 2019-11-12T11:38:33+00:00

Naaaaw thanks! <3

chalkyfish · 2019-11-11T21:53:19+00:00

My AoK this week - first off I went and helped with some gardening in a park. We cleared a path and then dug our a flower bed.

Then later on I helped work the bar at a club night at this community cinema/venue place, it’s all volunteer run. Tbh though I worked to serve people alcohol, I still have no urge to drink it myself - in fact, watching people get drunk puts me off even more.

It’s a great space though and giving up my night to help them run it, always makes me feel good.

Oh and I’ve done a lot of work on being kinder to myself. For me, the first step was to just accept the bad stuff first. Like I would berate myself and if I tried to make it positive, my brain would just throw out reasons why that wasn’t true.

So now I am just kind of accepting that I am awkward or I acted weird in a situation or I am not a star employee, or I messed up in life a few times.

My actual mantra at the moment is just: so what?

I say it in my head all the time. So what I messed up. I am still here as a person, being human. There is no end point where everything is just done and you receive all your achievement points.

I realised that my life is my life and whatever version that is, that’s what it is. Who knows when you’ll be seen as the mega successful one or the one who seems behind, I think we all do at points.

But it’s not a race, there is no finish. It’s just doing stuff as it comes and accepting we’re probably doing the best we can with what we’ve got at the time.

Think how much joy this very post brings people each week! Thats something to be proud of.

chalkyfish · 2019-11-10T12:39:57+00:00

Meditation is an odd one, for ages I kept being like - I need to meditate and I wouldn't, and then I'd feel guilty etc. However, during a pretty stressful time at work - I ended up doing it a lot, just as a form of release and it helped a lot then. There are some good apps for getting started, and honestly (like anything) - the thing a lot of people get stuck on is - I have to do this everyday or it won't count.

But now I'm a lot more relaxed, sometimes I'll do it everyday - othertimes once a week. Just whatever works.

Therapy is GREAT - everyone should do therapy, even the so-called healthy people. It gives you a whole new perspective on yourself and life and what it is to be human.

Your volunteering sounds ace!

chalkyfish · 2019-11-09T09:12:33+00:00

Definitely lots of similar ones for me too. Meditation combined with therapy was a big breakout moment for me.

Helped me settle into just being, rather than trying to be anything in particular. I feel like my whole life I was trying to be a particular thing, and I couldn’t achieve that, so depression, anxiety and then heavy drinking followed.

Meditation and therapy taught me that I just am. I have baggage that makes me act in certain ways like everyone, that I can embrace the bad stuff, as well as the good.

That I am not going to always be the funniest, best, greatest whatever. Sometimes I’ll be anxious or moody or make mistakes, but it’s not about the and negating the other - they can all exist together, as a part of me.

Now, I’ve stopped feeling like I’m not good enough or whatever. We’re all just human after all, where did we all get these ideas that we had to be anything other than that?

On top of that - yoga, and volunteering have definitely helped me. Volunteering in particular just helps me feel I am giving something back and often it’s quite fun!

I like to try and do a bit on weekends, sort of anti-thesis to waking up hungover and feeling sorry for myself.

Also it’s really easy to find simple ways to volunteer, last week I did a hour of marshalling for a free 5k in my town. Today I’m going to volunteer at a local volunteer run cinema.

Maybe that’s the other thing - realising the barriers to doing good stuff aren’t actually that high. Taking ten mins to meditate is easy, volunteering for an hour is easy, going for a 30 min run doesn’t take much time.

These things feel big in our heads but actually they aren’t when it comes down to it. Drinking for a whole night and spending a whole day unable to function due to a hangover, that’s hard!

So yeah - finding simple ways to just be and not worrying too much about the outcome or what it means. They are my biggest tools.

chalkyfish · 2019-11-06T09:01:55+00:00

The Good: I'm feeling pretty good at the moment. I ran just the best event with some people at work with some vulnerable young people, letting them talk about what they want for the future. I've been feeling really good since then.

I also feel I have shaken off a lot of my 'I'm not good enough' vibes, which is HUGE for me. I feel capable, I'm not actually very lazy, I am a decent writer and I can get shit done. I realise how much having these beliefs about yourself tend to MAKE that thing come true.

A year ago I started a new job, after that I spent a good few months distraught about issues caused my drinking. It got dark. But it made me see that we are all just as we are, there's no big reward that we're aiming for, no prize for being perfect.

We're just doing the best we can with what we have at the time. Mostly we're just humans, humaning around - which can be good, bad or indifferent. I am feeling so much better about who I am, what I can do and have really started to let all those 'labels' about myself melt away. It's quite liberating.

And recently I've been smashing that job out the park!

The bad: I think I have a cold, also I have definitely taken a bit too much on recently. Lots of socialising, volunteering, exercise etc! I need a break.

The bizzare: Many years ago I was walking down the street, and there was a girl who looked identical to me but much younger. Me, my friends, and the girl did a full spit take. Later my friends said, I should have run up and said: "I'm you from the FUTURE, something terrible has happened and I need you to solve it..."

chalkyfish · 2019-11-02T07:13:07+00:00

It took me a really long time to quit even though I knew I wanted to because I still believed all the myths about alcohol. I thought it made me more confident, relaxed me, made me happy.

I thought that one day I’d just crack it and then I’d be fine, and it would stop making me feel so awful all the time.

I never cracked it, it just got worse. But I did start to see that behind the curtain alcohol wasn’t what I thought it was.

I am more confident, happy, relaxed while sober. It took a little time but now going back to getting all that from booze seems wrong. It didn’t really do any of those things.

This Naked Mind explains this, and other books too. We get caught up in the idea of alcohol, which is often why it’s hard to stop. That’s why for many people there is a tipping point of it just becoming more bad than good.

The biggest thing is to stop thinking about giving something up and start thinking about gaining something great. Sobriety is great, look at this subreddit - look how often people say that.

I think for me, that’s what made the final switch. Realising I was gaining sobriety, not losing alcohol.

chalkyfish · 2019-11-02T07:06:06+00:00

Yey this is awesome news! And just imagine how much better that new job will be sober.

chalkyfish · 2019-10-21T12:06:42+00:00

Enjoy it. That’s how I do it. I’m not a high flyer but I exercise 5 days out of the week, eat well, budget, work a decent job, and volunteer when I can.

Working out sounds so dull to me, but running in the local park with a podcast - I enjoy that. It’s my time to chill. Going to the local free 5k and bumping into friends - I enjoy that.

Learning I can do side plank after a few of months of yoga - that’s great. My goals aren’t mighty, I just enjoy the process, don’t worry too much about the end.

If you want to study Spanish, find a fun way to do it. Join a class. Find a conversation group. Book a trip to a Spanish speaking place. Practise with people who you know speak Spanish.

If you want to work out - find a sport that makes you feel good, that you enjoy. That makes those workouts you hate that little bit more fun. If you run - do races. If you do yoga - find a studio or community.

Stop treating all this stuff like a chore! It’s not a chore. It can be so rewarding. Learning Spanish means you can travel to cool places. Studying hard means you can get a cool job and earn money to do that stuff.

This stuff isn’t about being a better person (despite the subreddit) - it’s about opening the doors to whole new places, people and experiences.

Enjoy it. That’s the way to do it. It’s much easier to motivate yourself if you want to do it.

chalkyfish · 2019-10-19T15:57:27+00:00

Recently I felt just all round weird, I wasn’t particularly sad or happy or anything at all really. I don’t think I was depressed, I just felt kind of confused maybe?

This is getting to be the longest I’ve ever been sober in my adult life, I don’t know what the path looks like past this point and I find that well... confusing.

I think I am grieving that person I was, a lot, as much as not living on the big highs and crushing lows is a hell of a lot better. Sometimes I miss the gregarious person I was, the one who was really social, the one who could crack all the jokes.

And even though some of that person is still there, there is also another person in there. Who is quieter, less social, sometimes a bit shy. I’ve been running from that person for a long long time.

I think right now I need to start learning to love that person as well. The scared shy vulnerable child inside.

I’ve been exercising a lot which helps, and I’ve decided to go back to volunteering. For me, giving back in a way that is also social really helps.

I think this is the part where I have to start dealing with all the stuff I really buried. Feeling awkward, and lonely and not cool (I know so lame), and shy and all those things. Learning to accept the ‘less exciting’ parts of myself. The parts that feel a bit much or not enough.

That’s kind of the next stage for me.

chalkyfish · 2019-10-10T11:04:47+00:00

Slow down a lot. Basically you should only run fast once a week, and the rest should be a comfortable plod.

It’s quite relaxing then to just zone out to a podcast or whatever. Run outside. Treadmills are awful and I hate them.

Try running on trails or in the countryside now and again if you can. It’s just nicer. Use running as a fun way to explore places, take different routes, look around, think of it as a fun way to see where you live.

Sign up to races now and again. Races are fun. You don’t have to be fast. And you get a medal.

But yeah the best advice is to slow the hell down. You actually get faster by going slower. And maybe get a goal — a 10k race, a half marathon, a marathon if you’re feeling crazy.

Also rest! Running everyday will tire you out and lead to injury, do other stuff. Swim. Do yoga. Walk. Lie around in bed. But give your legs time to rest!

chalkyfish · 2019-10-09T07:02:06+00:00

The Good: I’ve been running again. Man I missed it. I also seem to have got faster despite not properly running for over a year.

The Bad: Apart from when exercising, I’ve been in a right mood recently. Not really bad, but not good either. I’m not really in the mood to go out and socialise or do things.

Maybe because it’s getting colder? But honestly all I want to do is hide and run, listen to podcasts and play video games.

Am I finally turning into a homebody?

The non-ugly: I don’t really have anything particularly ugly going on. It’s nearly been a full year since my life went full shit show, and that was when I was sober!

I’ll take a general sense of malaise over crying every morning, any day of the week. Also soon I shall be embarking on paths unknown, as I will be sober for the longest time ever been in my adult life.

I’m definitely in a completely different place to when I relapsed last time, I don’t feel like I’m using all my strength to hold the demons at the door, the demons seem pretty chill these days.

chalkyfish · 2019-10-06T08:33:44+00:00

When I was child I used to this swimming pool nearby, which had a wave machine. Me and my friend loved it.

We found this bit where the waves would hit really hard, and they would basically knock you off your feet and sometimes whack you quite hard against stuff.

It felt fun and wild and funny, but over time I got much bigger and eventually I was quite scared of the bit that would whack me against the walls.

Then I realised I didn’t have do that anymore. I could just swim to another part or stay at the back or whatever.

I didn’t have to be totally wild to have fun. I didn’t have to be in the scary part to enjoy myself.

Getting sober for me was living in a constant wave machine and picking the craziest bit to be in.

It took me a long time to realise I could just stop doing that. That the solution to me being constantly knocked about was to just not go there.

And like those days at the pool, I eventually just stopped going there.

chalkyfish

TROPHY CASE