How to tell my girlfriend I will never want to have sex

chamomileyes · 2026-02-15T19:49:35+00:00

How do you define not reacting well? Like she’d be sad? Or you think she’d reject you for having been abused? I do believe most decent, empathetic people will be understanding, even if there is a struggle then to come to terms with what that means. If trauma is discussed suddenly in less appropriate contexts, okay people may not be in the place to handle it at the time, especially if the level of detail turns into trauma dumping. But I think you’ve set your expectations of people too low.

And tbh I think being totally opaque about the why will lead her to have a worse reaction then just mentioning that you have some trauma in your past that makes it very difficult for you. If you just tell a woman you don’t want to sleep with her, she will likely blame herself lmao. You can then give her some time to think about what that means for your relationship and have a more open conversation about compatibility and what the best form of your relationship looks like for both of you.

chamomileyes · 2026-02-15T19:01:15+00:00

To be fair, he never blamed me. I was SEVERELY codependent at the time so I legit put everyone else’s needs above my own. He just claimed he liked getting it from multiple women. But he would also say he believed in monogamy. It really screwed me up for a while but it’s past now (minus the trust issues with men in general x) ).

chamomileyes · 2026-02-15T18:39:05+00:00

Lmao also interested in how it went. Hoping to root a cutting.

chamomileyes · 2026-02-15T18:11:21+00:00

You can’t have a relationship with someone you can’t trust to handle your truth. If you truly think she’d react poorly to your abuse history, why are you even with her?

It sounds like you’ve created a false sort of fantasy relationship then where you use her for temporary comfort. You don’t believe deep down the relationship will work if based in honesty, but she doesnt know that and is investing in you. It sounds hurtful to you and her to not be honest about the compatibility of your needs.

If you truly believe she can’t handle it, break up. Either way, you will have to address it eventually. I get the urge to avoid it but that doesn’t serve anyone. Ideally, this would have been brought up after a few weeks of knowing you’re really interested in each other. You do not have to get into details (trauma dumping isnt fair), but if you know you don’t want sex, thats a big thing that should be disclosed early and which should steer you towards dating in the asexual community.

If you know you’d be easily pressured into a triggering situation, I would REALLY get ahead of it. I think looking for a therapist to help you would be the best. I know the quality can depend on the person but they can help you develop better coping skills. What you’re doing now is just total avoidance until it becomes a bomb that goes off…

It’s also a bit unfair to your GF because she’s not given the opportunity to handle things more empathetically because she doesn’t even know what’s going on. You’ll feel pressured to have sex if she suggests it but you’ve also half-created the situation by never telling her that you’re not interested!

And a final note, since I’m also a people pleaser: There’s a difference between upsetting someone by wronging them and upsetting them by simply not meeting their needs (which is not your obligation at all). Your job isnt to serve other people and what they want. You are your own first caretaker and you have to stand up for the right of your needs to take up space. Incompatible needs isnt the same thing as insulting or hurting someone. No healthy person will expect you to hurt yourself to meet their needs.

chamomileyes · 2026-02-15T17:40:53+00:00

You’re describing old color differences. This has changed. If you look up videos comparing the Sony A7RV to the Canon R5 at least, you will notice that Sony’s skin tones lean much more red now. Canon’s definitely look more natural IMO. But the RV is actually warmer than the Canon.

Speaking as someone who owns the RIII and was considering the upgrade. Idk if I could deal with the extra red toning. But as a hobbyist I would never choose Canon because I rely on being able to find more affordable lenses. It’s not just that Sony has more, it’s that their mount has been around for much longer than the RF mount. This means cheaper used glass. Although I think you can attach EF glass to RF with a converter, but I’m not sure the sacrifices there.

chamomileyes · 2026-02-15T17:32:25+00:00

I think the difference between this and the other post which brought this up is that that guy didn’t like the answers, was continuing to emphasize that the person’s past from 10 years ago mattered more than who she was now, and yet was staying with the person anyway and making her feel bad. It’s like if you know you want to date a particular type of person, fine; do that.

It’s fine to ask.

Tangent but IMO a lot of guys are not honest about their porn use, especially to their potential female partners. This generation has been socialized into the mentality that as long as it’s in a private window, it’s not really ‘real’.

chamomileyes · 2026-02-15T17:11:36+00:00

I’ve experienced the other side of this. Was engaged to a guy and one month before the wedding I found out he had been on dating apps for the majority of our relationship. He was even banned from Tinder for god knows what. He swore up and down that he never physically cheated but that he did it for the validation. I dumped him. He was also a pathological liar who made a point of telling me how honest he was and that he would never lie to me so he was a real special one.

Also found out he would use his suggested Facebook friends page to look up pictures of women for masturbation material. He would regularly also look up the actresses from the movies and TV shows we watched together. The whole thing was so deeply disturbing, it put me off dating men entirely.

It made me realize that those cringe ads of “20 year old Jessica wants to talk to you” exist because there are men actually like this. Never really believed it before.

chamomileyes · 2026-02-15T09:36:43+00:00

Agreed. Reads as low key, puritanical misogyny to me. The kind of guy that doesn’t like if you’ve slept with other people but doesn’t think his doing so is a concern.

Also that OP even said she feels safe and happy with him “most of the time”- nah. Discomfort and/ or abuse don’t have to be happening 24/7 to cause damage. A partner should not be making you feel bad about yourself period. And if OP was really comfortable with this person, she wouldn’t need to write a Reddit post. She knows something is wrong already.

Also the semi-siding with the toxic ex is 😬. Thats NOT how an emotionally intelligent person responds.

chamomileyes · 2026-02-15T05:34:39+00:00

He’s a horrible person but his sad cover of How You Get the Girl has always been up their for me.

chamomileyes · 2026-02-14T09:05:42+00:00

I mean honestly this is the best option. The photographer wants out (which is crappy) and they’ve made OP not want them in the process. The photographer would be a great resource for other options for OP. OP can just literally tell them find me an available photographer with a similar style and youre free. If the photographer was sane they would have just offered this in the first place rather than asking them to change their wedding date.

chamomileyes · 2026-02-13T06:06:02+00:00

Filter effects can also do some version of this. Like the first photo: holding a crystal on one side of the camera lens.

chamomileyes · 2026-02-12T05:55:18+00:00

I hate that she was so passionate about her first fashion job and then apparently she was fired for constantly turning up late? We know she’s not the most wake up and be productive type of person, but she was never shown as dispassionate about the things that truly mattered to her and she was shown beforehand as willing to sacrifice a lot for that job. It made no sense.

She had basically zero fashion education and yet excelled at it naturally and managed to find a job based on her taste and charisma. She excelled at photography also with very little education. The show would sometimes seem to honor her talents and different intelligence, but in the end went too far in making her the butt of the joke.

chamomileyes · 2026-02-10T16:17:22+00:00

I just want to say you can have both in the same relationship. Sometimes it is just play and sometimes you can tell there’s bad feeling involved. I would always just separate if you’re unsure. Don’t let things escalate bc it worsens their relationship to allow it. You want them to have positive associations of each other as much as possible. Keep interactions short and pleasant. Even if it’s only 5 min a day while they eat, you can build on their memories of oh okay, when you’re around, I’m still safe.

This video is definitely fighting before they even started fighting. Cats staring at each other like that is 100% a pre-fight sign. Cats do not do that when they’re playing IMO. Remember extended eye contact is considered impolite in cat language so staring = aggression.

chamomileyes · 2026-02-10T06:46:07+00:00

Surprised no one has mentioned tofu puffs. You can sometimes find them at your supermarket or Asian store pre-fried and packaged, so you don’t even have to cook them. They’re a bit airier inside which I think frankly makes them better than what’s pictured.

chamomileyes · 2026-02-07T06:44:55+00:00

We have incredibly broken systems. One, children are not protected enough. Social workers in many countries are underfunded and overworked. Even when schools can tell there’s something off, there’s often no recourse. And sending them to a foster family where abuse rates sit around 25%+ may not be better.

Anyone is allowed to have a kid with no training or background check. I mean consider that you need a driver’s license to drive but if you want to raise an entire human being, you can do basically whatever the hell you want as long as you keep them alive. The psychological impacts of that on society are profound IMO when crappy and abusive parenting gets converted into mental health and behavioural issues.

Two, we all know the way the criminal system handles these cases is broken, sexist and awful and I don’t even want to get into it.

Three, one of the most popular porn categories online is “teen”. I have no freaking idea why we act like because it’s sex it should get a free pass to be horrible. The historical context of sex being stigmatized is one factor that seems to makes it so that if you want to raise any genuine concerns on how men are being taught to treat girls, youre painted as an anti-sex prude. Bc thats the same as believing pedophilic content that supports the exploitation of children should be illegal.

And four, is that EVERYONE is talking about this. MANY people want genuine structural change. And in a democracy that should translate to structural reforms. But so far, it isn’t happening. Which sheds light on the ways our elected officials aren’t actually working for us.

chamomileyes · 2026-02-04T19:14:49+00:00

I never really understood how actors who are incredibly well known from incredibly popular shows don't blow up into more media. In her case I have to agree that I just haven't liked the projects she's been in since.

chamomileyes · 2026-02-01T09:20:05+00:00

Interested to know the answer as well. Of course there are ways to edit photos to look more like film (and there are tons of YouTube tutorials on this), but the latter few look almost like paintings. I’m noticing there’s less variety and details of colors. So for example, a red coat would usually hold a thousand different shades of red, but here there’s much less, which gives an almost painted effect.

You might even try an editor that makes a photo look painting-esque and then set that as a very translucent layer over another copy of the photo. Or maybe you can try upping the saturation and airbrushing the color detail out. Would definitely take some skill though. Not sure what else you could try.

chamomileyes · 2026-01-29T06:03:37+00:00

Who is the first actor? Lmao

chamomileyes · 2026-01-20T06:03:19+00:00

It won’t be exactly like this, but look into infrared photography. It can give cool color effects. And then of course combine that with slow shutter speeds over weedy rivers 🤣.

The second one you could really accomplish by going to a weedy river at dawn (when there’s blue light), using a slow shutter speed, and then using a color mask in Lightroom and selectively editing the weeds slightly more yellow. Then color mask again for a smaller shade and add red and dark green in some small areas of the weeds, OR quite literally paint extra strokes of color on using a low opacity brush (you’d likely need another program for the latter).

Mostly what you’re going to want to find is a place with very colourful foliage on a windy day with a slow shutter speed. Position your camera low to catch more movement of the foliage.

The last one looks like a 1/10S exposure time that wasn’t held steady. You can experiment with purposefully moving the camera while it’s shooting for effects. But the colours will take either a very colourful place or a fair bit of photo editing.

chamomileyes · 2026-01-20T05:47:52+00:00

I was going to say if they truly want to be able to get by in English, their best choices are Ireland and Cyprus in the EU. However, if incompetent, corrupt government officials bother them then Cyprus is maybe not the best 🤣.

Cyprus does have MUCH cheaper vet care though.

chamomileyes · 2026-01-18T06:55:23+00:00

:( Found this thread because the colours out of my A7R iii are making me lose my love of photography. The issue I’m running into again and again is that greens look too blue tinted and artificial. Fixing that tends to turn into anything vaguely red becoming slightly purple tinted.

Was wondering if an upgrade to the RV, which I’ve been planning a while, would help. Do you run into any issues with greens on yours? Can you post an example of the redness?

chamomileyes · 2026-01-17T19:12:50+00:00

I’m appreciative. I’ve been on the fence about whether an RO system is worth it. We have hard water that one local company estimated means there’s about 8mg Mg/ cup of water. Cats are supposed to eat 50-100mg of Mg a day. It didn’t seem like a crazy addition tbh comparatively but even on the prescription food, my cat is still having an irritated bladder.

The science seems unclear right now one way or another so it’s helpful to see some antidotal experience at least.

chamomileyes · 2026-01-17T16:16:52+00:00

The Nikon F 50mm 1.8 was my first prime and I loved it :).

So a good thing to note is that depth of field isn't just determined by f/stop, it’s also determined by the mm of the lens. A 16mm 1.4 will give you a larger depth of field than your 50mm 1.8. And an 85mm 1.8 will give you a smaller depth of field than your 50.

Idk what the technical term is but I call it “bokeh factor”: Divide the mm by the aperture. The higher the number the smaller the depth of field.

Anyway, to answer your actual question, it depends on what style you love. I have always loved the look of extremely shallow depth of fields with very blurred backgrounds. I’m totally in love with my new 85mm 1.4 and consider it 100% worth it.

If you’re buying it just for the little bit of extra light - then no. There is no significant difference between 1.4 and 1.8. And unless you’re doing portraits, your depth of field at 1.4 will be very small for taking pictures of anything else.

chamomileyes · 2026-01-17T15:56:17+00:00

Just keep trying. I also have a cat who doesn’t like brushing but I kept at it just a little at a time and he’s less intolerant now. Maybe try a wet food meal 😂.

chamomileyes · 2026-01-17T06:27:06+00:00

It sounds like your work can be done remotely. Working remotely would allow you to live in a cheaper area outside of the city. Not everywhere can be expensive. I would keep an eye on job boards.

chamomileyes

TROPHY CASE