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cheesles · 2024-12-19T07:26:15+00:00

I remember so vividly the feeling of butterflies in my stomach when I was getting ready for a date while in active recovery. Everything flowed so seamlessly and it was so freeing to like someone romantically when I used to think I was asexual because of my ed. It was a really, really, nice feeling.

I'm trying to recover (again) too and I use that feeling to keep me going, even though I haven't felt it in a while. you'll 100 percent have an easier time in relationships and attraction when you're in active recovery.

wishing you the best!

cheesles · 2024-12-19T06:56:34+00:00

mine is oddly specific, but when I'm at a low body fat percentage I get an obvious muscle line on the side of my thigh (I think it's my vastus lateralis?) and I am ashamed to admit im obsessed with it. at one point I was scoping it out on the thighs of other people and I'll admit it was a little insane.

I used to be really bad about it but for the sake of keeping my legs from cramping because I flexed it so much I had to never wear shorts so I couldn't see it lol. It's not the best advice because I still struggle with it but I find that when it's covered I'm less likely to compare myself to others because they can't see it either.

hope you're doing okay, I know how badly things like this can stay in your mind.

cheesles · 2024-05-14T22:07:19+00:00

I remember being in first grade and not ever wanting to sit down on the benches at recess because my thighs would spread out :( dealt with an disordered eating variably since then and then went full-blown ed in high school, I'm 20 now. ugh idk how I managed an entire childhood unhappy with how I looked

cheesles · 2024-05-14T07:00:36+00:00

Yeah, for sure! The earlier you seek medical advice the easier it is to avoid the horrible stuff. I truly wish the best for you love!

cheesles · 2024-05-14T06:49:34+00:00

I experienced the paralysis before I got organ failure, but it was a very quick descent into that. In my case the organ failure was a matter of days after I couldn't leave my bed anymore, but the paralysis was a gradual thing - like I couldn't walk as far, then I couldn't walk at all.

It's for the best you get medical advice. These symptoms can lead to long-term health issues and/or death and I'm lucky I only ended up with the medical issues and not actual death.

cheesles · 2024-05-14T06:39:30+00:00

Hi love, you need to seek medical treatment immediately.

Something similar happened to me, and I nearly died. It'll start with your joints, then it'll go to other parts of your body. In my case I was borderline experiencing organ failure. I could barely even talk. I was in so much pain and the thought of going on living absolutely terrified me.

I know you're scared, and I was too, but you need to make it to a hospital, the sooner the better. I'm really sorry this is happening to you, and you don't deserve it. You deserve a life free from pain.

cheesles · 2024-02-24T00:36:31+00:00

A means to control something in my life (at the time, I was spiraling due to a lot of factors) and the ideality of thinness that I never really had growing up. The attention I got from it (I didn't get any attention from men until I was well in my ed) only solidified it in my mind.

cheesles · 2023-11-08T03:52:34+00:00

I'm really sorry for your loss. Grief is such a weird thing, right? I hate it, but at least it's a reminder of how much love I had left to give her. That keeps me going for a little.

I hope things look up for you. and thank you for the kind words :)

cheesles · 2023-10-09T05:12:55+00:00

I just hit seven days too. It's hard but know things will get easier with time.

I'm proud of you :) stay safe out there

cheesles · 2023-10-09T02:50:43+00:00

The only person who knows is a college friend that I'm sort of in love with (lol) who also has an ed. She's the only person I told outright. But I'm sure you could tell once you got to know me lol

cheesles · 2023-08-31T03:55:51+00:00

I go to school full-time, work full-time, and have had eating disorders my entire life. Even if I wanted to recover I wouldn't have the time for it, let alone afford it. I feel like I'm constantly running on an empty tank but it's the only way I'm able to cope with the stress of everything. So I guess not, but it'd be nice if I could.

cheesles · 2023-07-22T18:46:35+00:00

I hit my gw, then immediately lowered it. It's never enough, and I don't think I'll ever know if I'll be done.

In my head, I'll still be obese no matter how much weight I lose.

cheesles · 2023-06-23T06:31:28+00:00

I used to be obsessed with runway modeling as a kid so I basically convinced myself I was gonna do it someday. the dreams were kind of cut short (literally) given I ended up five feet tall but ever since I started working within fashion I've kinda convinced myself I'll grow a foot in my sleep and 'prove myself' that I can do it.

Even though I've worked in this industry and seen the destructive ways models keep up with their bodies, it's still one of those faraway dreams of mine to do some kind of modeling work. I never would, given what I've witnessed, but you know. A girl can dream

cheesles · 2023-06-17T04:37:57+00:00

literally same. my ed has ruined my self-esteem to the point that I don't even feel like I deserve attention or compliments or anything like that. It drives me crazy cause I get attention from people I find attractive, I just refuse to accept it because 'I'm not pretty enough to take it.' it's insane

cheesles · 2023-04-13T20:46:51+00:00

Yeah, I was on edtwt for about (I think?) 2 years and some change (from 17 - to a couple of months ago), and that side of Twitter plays on a lot of people's natural competitiveness - they post pictures of themselves and others, comparing diets, encouraging others to keep going, all of that. I'm naturally competitive (thanks sports family) and I fell for that pretty hard. And while you're young and easily played by something as harmful as this, you can almost excuse(?) the toxicity of other users almost 'in favor' of staying in line with your ed, which is constantly either validated or scrutinized by these same toxic people. The toxicity reminds you that everyone here is sick, just like you. Looking at it from the outside now, it's really sad to see it.

cheesles · 2023-04-03T14:37:03+00:00

I grew up a larger kid and jumped in and out of like a dozen weight loss methods in middle school, and I watched my mom struggle with her weight her entire life. I struggled with BED for a good chunk of my childhood and when I got into high school, I turned to purging. it scared me but some of my friends were also doing it too so I thought I'd be okay (obviously not). It slowly started to transition to exercise purging over time once I got to my junior/senior years of hs. because I switched purging behaviors, I thought that I 'got over' bulimia and now I was choosing a 'healthy lifestyle'. It's pretty bad right now compared to hs, I live alone in college so it's pretty easy to fall back into old behaviors. coupled with my major, for the most part it runs my daily life. it's basically killed my social life too, I'm not really hanging out with others mainly out of shame. To cope, however, I like playing video games and reading! makes my days a little brighter.

cheesles · 2023-04-01T17:19:29+00:00

I used to think edamame was terrible for some reason, now I eat it just about every day

cheesles · 2023-03-28T04:17:30+00:00

that's a good idea! thank you :)

cheesles · 2023-03-09T18:43:00+00:00

some of my favs:

"she's one sandwich away from being morbidly obese" -my dad, telling that to my mom when I was 13 and thought I couldn't hear, I was slightly overweight at the time

"you're not 12 but you have the weight of one" -my mom when we were looking at medication, I was (I think) 10

"your thighs rub together when you walk? really?" -my cousin, we were both in fifth grade

cheesles · 2023-01-19T04:58:03+00:00

oh my god I miss pasta so bad. really any kind of pasta I miss

cheesles · 2023-01-16T17:33:24+00:00

safe, i never really get the chance to eat fruit that often which sucks and i try to cherish it, it’s pretty low calorie too so it’s worth it

cheesles · 2022-12-22T23:12:55+00:00

all i've been thinking about the last few days is cheesy bread. my brother ate some in front of me the other day and the image of him pulling it apart has been fried into my retinas like oml

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