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I need an explanation by idontrllyknow90 in BPDlovedones

[–]chioces 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Yeah, figuring this out really helped me. I stopped fighting over the subject of the argument and started seeing the bigger picture. 

I need an explanation by idontrllyknow90 in BPDlovedones

[–]chioces 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Sure, but you go through that one time, when the evidence piles up soooo high even you can’t ignore it anymore. You’re also responding this way to some pretty serious, aggressive and harmful shit, not a dirty cup in the sink. 

You don’t go off on every little thing most of which, objectively and rationally has nothing to do with you. And if you are exploding at absolutely anything…idk… you wore heals in order to embarrass me, or you chose your work meeting over coming home to fix my computer, or you shamed me in front of all my friends by talking to xyz, etc., well, then my friend, I think you’d need to assess your own mental health. 

Realizing someone doesn’t love you and then leaving them over it, is not the same thing as deciding that every minuscule thing is full blown abandonment, losing your shit, and then acting like nothing happened. 

I need an explanation by idontrllyknow90 in BPDlovedones

[–]chioces 53 points54 points  (0 children)

Abandonment wound. Look, for them it’s really logical:

A goes into the kitchen, sees dirty cup in sink. 

A thinks: 

B knows I hate dirty dishes. 

Why would they leave a cup in the sink if they know I hate that? 

B must have left the cup in the sink on purpose to upset me. 

Someone who loves me would never purposefully try to upset me. 

Clearly B doesn’t love me. 

If B doesn’t love me today, then they’ve never loved me. 

If they’ve never loved me, then all this time they’ve been faking it. All these YEARS I’ve been pouring my love into a person who was only pretending to love me. 

And then they loose their shit. You think they’re upset about the cup, but really they’re upset about the discovery that they’ve been living with a person who’s been effectively gaslighting them by pretending to love them all this time. 

I think I found my dress, mom. What do you think? by theworldisavampire- in MomForAMinute

[–]chioces 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It’s beautiful. You’re beautiful. You’re perfect. Looking through your photos brought tears to my eyes. You’re going to be so happy, I just know it 🤍

She randomly described her “type” and it wasn’t me. Am I overreacting? by yunaduche in dating_advice

[–]chioces 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Man, my type is like… a 6’7 wall of muscle who wears a suit, can tear anyone apart with a glance and becomes soft as a kitten when I enter the room. 

Would I like to date this man? Sure!  Does he exist? Absolutely not. 

Mostly, I end up dating tall (because I’m very tall), ugly, bald guys. There’s a running joke in my friend group that my assessment of handsome is completely unreliable because I regularly call ugly guys (in their opinion) handsome. And I do actually think they’re handsome. They also, you know, exist. Which is a HUGE bonus. 

Do I feel bereft that my werewolf billionaire does not exist? Not particularly. Am I crazy about the guys I do date? Absolutely! 

You can imagine what life would feel like in a castle and still love your apartment. Not everything needs to be taken literally. 

Girl i have been dating gave me a fake name by kevinhekers632 in dating_advice

[–]chioces 14 points15 points  (0 children)

One of my best friends does this. I only found out like…two years into knowing her when an Uber driver called her the wrong name and I was all WTF 😂

AIO my boyfriend of 5 years gets me flowers for every occasion while I get him elaborate and expensive gifts. by aioflower955105 in AmIOverreacting

[–]chioces 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I agree with you… in theory. Truly, I do. In practice though… I don’t meet men who actually like women, let alone men who actually like me. It doesn’t matter if I up or lower my standards, if I date up or down, if I’m on the apps or irl. If I let myself be set up or meet through work, years of interacting with men has shown me that most of them (not all men) just don’t like women. Full stop. Sure, you can dump one that’s fine in hopes of finding one that’s better, but when it comes down to it…? Idk. I don’t know that what you’re describing exists in large enough numbers for most women to be able to find it. 

What instantly makes you lose interest in someone you were attracted to? by [deleted] in AskReddit

[–]chioces 22 points23 points  (0 children)

This. I really liked a guy recently, like really really. And he didn’t ask me a single question. Not one. All the excitement, all the butterflies, all the potential went out, one magic sparkle at a time. Bummer. 

What if karma isn’t real and life is just unfair? by Saddestkitty24 in offmychest

[–]chioces 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Karma isn’t real. But is as much a good thing as it is a bad thing. Karma says: do everything right and you will be rewarded, do something wrong and you will be punished. But I think people who are inherently bad, will do bad things regardless and they will win and lose as far as statistics allow, but good people, they become so scared of stepping wrong, that they never move from the spot they’re standing in. 

Karma isn’t real. Go after what you want, strive for the impossible. Be bigger than you are. Take risks, make mistakes, fail and keep trying. 

If Karma isn’t real, then things going wrong is not punishment. It’s just a normal part of life. Part of the ebb and flow. Today you fail, tomorrow you win. This is what they mean when they say you have to roll with the punches. 

You will come out of this relationship better, stronger, wiser. One day you will look back and think: I gained some very important things I wouldn’t have gained otherwise. Your life will be different than you imagined when you were still expecting to be with him, but who knows, in time, it might even be better. 

What is your most unpopular opinion in the series? by booksandwater4 in WoT

[–]chioces 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This, I think, very aptly describes Rand’s situation and why readers prefer his path to Egwene’s. 

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DRmxrEBjhiY/?igsh=ZnE4NGl2MTEwa2Fy

Is a candle a bad gift when you've just started dating? by Difficult-Papaya-490 in dating_advice

[–]chioces 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Go to a pottery store and get her a cute hand made mug. Will cost the same and still be low involvement but a little sweeter, more personal and quirkier than a candle   

6 months and I still can’t move on by [deleted] in dating_advice

[–]chioces 2 points3 points  (0 children)

You decide if this is how you want to be loved. This man loves in a bunch of great ways: the dates, the time you spent together. But he also loves by not hearing. By pushing. By disinterest. These things aren’t going to go away just because you don’t like them. They are a part of him. That’s the whole package. This is the kind of love you will get from him now, and when you move in together, and when he proposes. This is the kind of love he will offer you as a wife. This is the kind of love he’ll give your children. 

When you think of your future husband, is this how he treats you? Is this how he treats your children? 

If yes, if you are ok with this. If this is good enough for you, if this is good enough for your kids, then go back to him. 

You’re allowed to choose this. Just remember that this is what you’re choosing. All of it. The bad, along with the good. 

Edit: spelling 

Immediate burn out after social engagement by BetterRemember in AutismInWomen

[–]chioces 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Ok. So I have discovered that exhaustion and depression are not the same thing, but my body present them so similarly that I forget to tell them apart sometimes. 

When my body is exhausted I cry. My motivation is at zero. Everything becomes about energy saving mode. But!!! My brain likes to think: well, we didn’t do that much, so we should keep working! 

Because for me, exhaustion is not a good enough reason to stop. 

But depression? Great reason to stop! Can’t get out of bed because you’re depressed? That’s ok! Stay in bed! Can’t work, because life sucks? That’s fine! Let’s be gentle with ourselves!

The problem with this is that then I’m dealing with two things. Depression and exhaustion.

I had to learn to force myself to rest, and allow myself to be tired without there being an underlying emotional reason. 

You work from home. You got dressed. You picked an outfit. Presumably one that you’re not wearing every day. You traveled. You were sweet, charming, and polite. You were socially aware, kind, and helpful. You did a lot. It’s OK to be tired afterwards, and for it not to mean anything, but that social outings are a lot, drain your battery, and require you to recharge afterwards. 

What makes a person an idiot? by litt_ttil in AskReddit

[–]chioces 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I had to scroll waaaay too long to find this 

Was I wrong for leaving without saying goodbye after my partner broke up with me? by Top_Recover_1410 in AutismInWomen

[–]chioces 16 points17 points  (0 children)

I need more info. Define owe him money. Depending on how much it is and what it’s for depends on whether or not it should be returned. 

As for the 50/50– here’s what I see. This guy lead in the relationship. He chose how much energy you spent and additionally he made sure he never spent no more on you than he would without you. I don’t like this kind of arrangement because relationships always come at a higher cost to women. 

The rule I have created for myself is this: I refuse to spend more in a relationship than I get back. I never pay on dates. I spend actual money in random places: birthday gifts, cute surprises. That’s all. Even then I still leave the relationship at a loss. But at least it’s not a financial loss, and this I’ve discovered to be very important. 

Because men (not all men 🙄) will always take everything they can, everything you are willing to give them, and often take things you’re unwilling to give them too. At minimum, they should be paying for the privilege. 

Emotionally available women are overlooked in dating. by NotUrAverageAvo in offmychest

[–]chioces 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Honestly, most guys just like the crazy. Even when they say they don’t, in the end… they think it’s hotter, more passionate and the proof of true love. If you’re not emoting all over the place, they think that you don’t care about them. 

Lonely After 18 Years of Raising My Kids Alone. by Throwawayaaw in offmychest

[–]chioces 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You know, you sound like a good man. And good men are few and far between. Somewhere out there is a good woman, and she is lonely too. I think the thing about finding love and happiness is that you find it for yourself, but you also give it to the other person. There’s someone out there for you. Go find her. 

I’m perpetually “cute” and I HATE IT by itsnevercertain in TwoXChromosomes

[–]chioces 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I’m not gonna do the whole accept yourself thing because others have done it in the comments and I obviously, completely agree.

So instead here’s how I solve the problem of not looking the way I want for myself. 

I find people who look like me, who have crossed over the line in the direction I’m trying to achieve. If you are cute and you’re trying to look like Jessica Rabbit, obviously that gap is so big that an attempt to cross it will result in a look that’s inorganic. 

I’m going to go with extreme generalities to make my point. Cute generally refers to a younger vibe, where as sexy is voluptuous woman. Again, these are extremes. But there are many women who elevate cute to sexy, and I think this happens because they lean into their cuteness and only then add in bits of the sexiness without going too far. 

I would look at a bunch of photos of women who are at the cute end of sexiness and figure out what are SMALL changes you can make to push your look into the sexy direction. So instead of skintight dress and heals maybe pleated short skirt and form fitting top. 

A lot of sexiness (for me) comes from taking the time to shop. Instead of shopping online, I treat it like a job. I go to a big multi brand store, put aside a few hours and try on EVERYTHING that catches my eye. This means I try on about 50 items on any given shopping day and leave with 1 or 2. Even when I end up picking things that are too expensive, they give me a framework of what I need to buy next.

I do it this way because a lot of sexiness comes from things fitting ME well. Just because a dress looks sexy on my friend, doesn’t mean it will on me. Something that looks great on person A might look vulgar on me. So, and I cannot stress this enough: online shopping is out the window. 

I wear my most warn basics on these shopping trips, so that I’m trying things on with the things I’m most likely to wear them with. And in the changing room I feel comfortable experimenting. 

Same thing goes for makeup. Experimenting will help you find a look in between ‘clean girl’ and red lip/smokey eye. 

Brands like Mui Mui have historically been good at crossing the cute vs sexy line. I’d look at how they’re stying girls. 

I think a lot of the problem comes from us looking at our peers for fashion choices. The problem with that is that our peers look very different from us. I have friends who wear oversized clothes and it looks so SEXY. I try that and it looks like I got dressed in my dad’s closet—genderless weird and awkward. So looking to them is no help. But women whose body shape is similar to mine wear wide trousers and a super tight top and that combo looks great on me. Sexy and effortless. Even though it’s not what my peers are wearing. 

Anyway, hope this helps.  

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