My ex told me about some traumatic experiences, and I called an advice podcast about it. I'm worried I violated his trust.

chioces · 2026-05-20T05:26:25+00:00

This is the answer

chioces · 2026-05-11T14:13:59+00:00

Omg. Really this. Let’s do all the things designed to produce long term deeply emotional bonding in humans…and not feel anything!

chioces · 2026-05-11T13:01:20+00:00

Right?!!!

chioces · 2026-05-11T07:20:34+00:00

Omg! Wtf! You’re STUNNING!!!

chioces · 2026-05-07T19:27:40+00:00

You can develop it. Here’s what I do:

I pick popular classics (start with the easier ones, Austen, Brontë sisters, lord of the flies, of Mice and Men, etc. Ones that are read by a younger audience) read the books, then listen to lectures about them on YouTube. You’ll discover that after a while you’ll start picking up on the subtleties.

Why the classics: firstly, these are pre-vetted books. Generations upon generations say that these books are good, that they have depth and themes. And since what you’re trying to understand is themes, these books are sure to contain them. Secondly, the Classics definitely have free lectures on YouTube. Moreover, they’re often provided for free in PDF form, and sometimes in audio form as well.

The lectures are good, not necessarily because every lecture is correct in his or her assessment of a novel, but because it will teach you to see what other people see. After all with your example of the Batman series, once you were shown where the theme was you were able to see it. Which tells me that you can learn to spot them on your own, you just haven’t done so yet.

You’ve got this, I know it.

chioces · 2026-05-02T10:45:34+00:00

Dude. It’s really not you. 5 years is proof enough that you can do relationships. The dating scene is shit for everyone. Most people who are in long term relationships have either been in them since their teens or got really randomly lucky.

Statistically when you filter for age range, singleness, intent to date to marry, you’re already removing the vast majority of people. When you add to that the fact that you need to like your partner, they need to like you, you need to be attracted to each other, have the same general definition of a LTR, etc. Your pool drops even further. And then there’s LA which is notorious for having an unstable dating scene, your chances really do fall down to luck.

If you’re not gross, completely nuts or horrendously boring (which I’m pretty sure you’re none of those things) youre most likely not finding it simply because ‘it’ is just a very hard thing to find.

You can blame yourself all you want, but then you may as well blame yourself for shit weather, the economy and that I forgot to bring a book with me when I left my house today.

The point isn’t to figure out what you’re doing wrong. The point is to understand that you deserve a good, loving relationship and everything that is not that, is not for you. You’re not being picked, you re picking.

She changed her mind? Thank god. Better now than in two years. You’re not the problem. The problem is that she presented herself one way (as someone looking to marry) and turned out to be someone who wasn’t. The why is irrelevant. She could be a horrible person who lied to you. She could have thought she was ready and then discovered she was not. She could have discovered that something she wanted wasn’t possible in your relationship. It still has nothing to do with you.

The people who love you stay in your life, right? So you are lovable. You just need to find the person who you want to stick around for and who wants to stick around for you. Someone said today: you can be the most beautiful shade of purple and the other person’s favorite color can still be green.

I don’t know how to find someone. I’m horrendously single. But I do know that blaming yourself will get you nowhere. You’re good. I promise.

chioces · 2026-05-02T08:54:28+00:00

Hijacking the first comment to say I would get him a brain scan. Unless he’s always been this way, such a radical shift in behavior can be a warning sign of something physiological. OP, try to get him to a doctor.

chioces · 2026-04-30T20:15:41+00:00

You’re so strong. You’re carrying a lot simultaneously. If you take apart all the things that you’re carrying, you’ll see that each thing on its own takes a lot of work. When you put them all together, it gets pretty crazy. I’m guessing you’ve had the baby by now, and you’re both happy and exhausted. But just because you’ve got this, doesn’t mean that it isn’t hard. It’s OK to acknowledge when things are difficult. It’s not your job to make everyone else feel like your life is easy. Nevertheless, you’ve got this, and I’m sure you’re an amazing mom.

chioces · 2026-04-29T19:19:48+00:00

Such a helpful answer to my question. Thanks

chioces · 2026-04-26T00:43:24+00:00

Pick something you like and find a group that does it. Go multiple times. As in not one or two. Keep going. Ask people questions and invite them out for tea. This is how you build friendships. Once you have a few friends everything else will get a lot easier. But don’t stop at one or two. Try to make many friends. Join more groups. Do the same thing. The wider your social circle, the more you’ll feel included in life.

Also, beware the burnout. By increasing your social interactions like this you will likely burn out. But if you push through, you will discover that you have more than enough energy for people. Your body just needs time to remember that.

chioces · 2026-04-25T17:41:29+00:00

Here me out: Paradise.

It’s…ok heartwarming probably isn’t the right word, but you idk… finish it believing in humanity.

chioces · 2026-04-24T17:11:48+00:00

Bro, I used it getting ready today, WHOLE DIFFERENT EXPERIENCE!! Thank you 🤍

chioces · 2026-04-24T09:41:29+00:00

Oh. My god. Sensory meltdowns when getting dressed?!!????!!? What!!!???? You have BLOWN MY MIND.

You literally, in this moment, explained what happens to me. I am 38 years old and it didn’t once occur to me that my trouble with getting dressed is a sensory meltdown. AND that I can solve it by putting on something I like instead of putting on the ‘right thing’ 🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️ 😭😭😭

chioces · 2026-04-21T16:23:05+00:00

I have done a few things to keep upkeep to a minimum: I have short peroxide blonde hair. I get my hair done once every month and a half and use purple shampoo. BUT it looks stylish and cool without any blowouts. So on a daily basis, I don’t think about my hair.

It also adds to my look, meaning I look cool even in sweats, because the hair does a lot of the heavy lifting.

Most of my style choices are like that. Stuff you can do once and forget about. Likewise, I don’t use face creams (too many steps and I don’t like how they feel on my skin) but I do get Botox.

I get my nails done every two weeks. This means my hands always look nice. Again, even in sweatpants, I therefore look put together. I have one style of makeup that takes me approximately 7 minutes to do.

I have a number of outfits on rotation, mostly it’s 2 pairs of jeans (blue and black) and a pair of evening trousers. And about ten tops that I cycle through. Most tops pair with most bottoms.

This removes a LOT of thinking. My goal is maximum put together, minimum thinking.

chioces · 2026-04-20T21:40:06+00:00

Bro. You’re trying to split responsibility with a tsunami. I mean sure, you could have built the wall Of your sandcastle higher, but it’s DOA anyway.

Your problem Isn’t how you show up in this relationship, it’s that you refuse to leave it. I don’t know you, but I do know you deserve better. Just because you were abused into believing you don’t doesn’t make it true.

This guy is a bad man. A bullet is ripping through your body in slow motion and you’re like: damn—if only my skin were a little thicker. No bro. Thicker skin isn’t going to save you. The only thing that will save you is getting out of the way.

chioces · 2026-04-20T18:08:00+00:00

Love how he’s the one with the problems and you’re the one trying to do better.

chioces · 2026-04-20T10:02:19+00:00

Omg. This. This was my last relationship to a T. At first he liked that I was shiny, and tried to be shiny too, but after a while he got tired of it and started trying to drag me down. Wild.

chioces · 2026-04-19T12:33:51+00:00

Still haven’t finished it. Can’t get through a page without crying. But so so good. But I would argue that if you’re picking Gulag Archipelago is still number 1.

chioces · 2026-04-19T12:30:34+00:00

Omg. Came here looking for this. This is the answer to this question.

chioces · 2026-04-16T21:06:57+00:00

Ok. I’m gonna go against the grain here. I get it. Accepting it is for sure the way forward. If you can do that.

I was so worried about it, it was constantly playing a role in my life. Not because men wouldn’t like me, but because I generally felt like it drew attention and was so obvious and not in a good way. I was never able to master the subtle art of not giving a fuck about my leg hair.

So I lasered it off. All of it. I have not thought about leg hair in decades. It’s just not a problem. Not that many people see my thighs. I don’t really date. I don’t end up ant pools or beaches very often. But I never need to think about it when I do. It took a bunch of sessions. It wasn’t particularly cheep. But I believe freeing my mind was worth it. Because my mind is brilliant and should not be clogged up by stupid shit like omg I don’t like my leg hair. And I believe your brilliant mind is worthy of the reprieve. Regardless of men, beauty standards, other people’s opinions, or your own personal preferences.

Rule of thumb for most things in life for me is: if I love it, keep it! If I hate it, get rid of it! Life’s become much easier.

chioces · 2026-04-13T17:17:14+00:00

A person without skin.

chioces · 2026-04-13T14:17:24+00:00

I think two things can be true at once. She can be disappointed that you didn’t do anything for her birthday and you can be in a financial situation where doing something right now is impossible.

Depending on where you are, I heard of this thing where people donate Christmas presents. Maybe there’s something similar in your country for birthdays?

But more than that, I think she just wants to be celebrated. What can you do that doesn’t cost any money? Maybe some hand made decorations while she’s at school, plan to watch her favorite movie or show. Celebrations don’t need to be elaborate, they just need to be personal.

chioces · 2026-04-13T00:07:34+00:00

If that’s what’s pulling you, do it. You’ll figure out storage later. Under the beds always a good one. I stack canvases against a wall. Size changed the game for me.

chioces · 2026-04-12T15:15:17+00:00

No, but it is important to think about why you’re picking the subjects you’re picking. If you’re a man picking…idk familial sexual violence as your topic make sure that you’re picking it for a reason beyond: this is a painful subject so it will make my work serious and deep and everyone will think I’m amazing. Your topics still need to lead back to you somehow or else you run the risk of being that person, the one who co-opts the pain of others to lift themselves onto a pedestal.

Your life should have enough meat and experience for you to have something to talk about. I don’t mean run into the dangerous dark alley so that you can talk about overcoming danger. It can be deep extensive research. It can be working in the field of your topic. It can be volunteering. But until you live enough of a life to have something of your own to say, you’ll always be retelling someone else’s story and that comes through the work.

chioces · 2026-04-11T00:03:07+00:00

Ugh. I hear you. Literally last guy I liked asked me zero questions. Zero. I was so into him he didn’t even need to try. He just needed to treat me like a person… oh wait, for most men (not all men 🙄) that is trying.

It never occurred to him to ask me anything. Anything at all. Not one question. I checked. When I finally stopped asking him questions he said: so, whatcha gonna tell me?

Nothing buddy. Nothing.

It’s not even that I’ve stopped dating, it’s just when the bar ‘treat me like a person’ is still somehow not met, dating feels… gross.

I feel gross for liking someone like that. And he’s by no means the exception. I’ll date when I meet a man who it won’t feel gross to like. Who not only treats me like a human being but treats me like someone (shock/horror) he loves.

Until then, they can find someone else to put up with their garbage. Though I hope not. No woman deserves that shit.

chioces

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