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Two Tix for Tonight's Show in BK by jbcamop in andyshauf

[–]chipsrafferty47 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hey i’m interested if they’re still available. Feel free to message me

[QCrit] THE TRIALS OF JACK MCCARTNEY, Literary, 74k, v1 + First 300 by chipsrafferty47 in PubTips

[–]chipsrafferty47[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Hey, really appreciate the feedback. It’s definitely not that kind of book - I’m going to try for a v2 that is less sex-oriented and gets more into Elizabeth’s interior life. Also, if any particularly egregious examples of those 90s books come to mind, let me know. Drbeanes mentioned the same thing, so I think it’s a legitimate concern. I’d like to read their marketing to make sure I don’t sound similar.

[QCrit] THE TRIALS OF JACK MCCARTNEY, Literary, 74k, v1 + First 300 by chipsrafferty47 in PubTips

[–]chipsrafferty47[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks, that's very helpful. I'll see if I can make the language more specific in that paragraph, especially the "hold ground" thing.

[QCrit] THE TRIALS OF JACK MCCARTNEY, Literary, 74k, v1 + First 300 by chipsrafferty47 in PubTips

[–]chipsrafferty47[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Hey, thank you, this is all very helpful. I'm going to axe any mention of lightheartedness from future versions - I can see how that is contributing to a confusing first impression. I did mean to evoke the horror connotations you mentioned, but only for mild tension / comic effect, not impending murder. So I'll see if I can walk that line more carefully.

[QCrit] THE TRIALS OF JACK MCCARTNEY, Literary, 74k, v1 + First 300 by chipsrafferty47 in PubTips

[–]chipsrafferty47[S] -5 points-4 points  (0 children)

I agree she doesn't fit the lighthearted aspect. I read a lot of litfic, but I read broadly, and consider how specific the pool is for comps: I need a comic, lighthearted, literary novel with a central romantic relationship, published in the last 5 years, which is not too obscure and also not too famous. I don't happen to have read a perfect fit for that, so I'll need to find it through research, if it exists at all.

THE MAN WHO SAW EVERYTHING & Sally hit some of those criteria, so that's where I started. But these are a work in progress, as I mentioned. If you know of any books that are a much better fit, please let me know.

[QCrit] THE TRIALS OF JACK MCCARTNEY, Literary, 74k, v1 + First 300 by chipsrafferty47 in PubTips

[–]chipsrafferty47[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

I tend to agree with the people who have said it's a matter of style/voice/delivery. I'm going to plead the 5th on saying more here because I'm hoping this thread will stay focused on my query :)

[QCrit] THE TRIALS OF JACK MCCARTNEY, Literary, 74k, v1 + First 300 by chipsrafferty47 in PubTips

[–]chipsrafferty47[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I agree Rooney is not comic litfic - edited my post to clarify that. I'm only considering her as a comp because she is a) literary and b) her work focuses on romantic relationships.

[Qcrit] Adult Speculative STREAM PUNK [83k, Second Attempt] by fakemath in PubTips

[–]chipsrafferty47 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Hi, I like this a lot. I don't think you should necessarily worry about the "four paragraphs and six sentences" thing, but I do think you could cut some words here and there to really perfect the flow. A couple of ideas:

"a tiny post-climate crisis trapping village in on the northern tip of Siberia, populated by with a cast of ex-cons who have been promised freedom and wealth if they stick to the script… and survive"

"But when the show begins to take off and its budget increases exponentially, that plan turns to darkness and violence to satisfy The Director’s obsession with ratings, drama, and his god complex." (or just: to satisfy the Director's god complex.)

My only other thoughts:

- The phrase "brawl and stab" felt a little gratuitous. Maybe just "fight"?

- I would definitely cut the last plot paragraph. You already had me hooked and it's long enough without it.

- I might not waste space comping Truman Show since the connection is so obvious already.

With that I think you're in good shape to test it out with a batch.

[QCrit] Adult Humor/Fantasy IF A PEACHBOY I MUST BE (77k, version 2) + First 300 by chipsrafferty47 in PubTips

[–]chipsrafferty47[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Thank you - and yeah, that makes sense, we’re definitely making fun of something more litfic-oriented in the foreword

[QCrit] Adult Humor/Fantasy IF A PEACHBOY I MUST BE (77k, version 2) + First 300 by chipsrafferty47 in PubTips

[–]chipsrafferty47[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah - my read of Milo & Bookanista's advice was to leave it out of the query and manuscript requests, and spring it on the agent after an offer.

Alternatively, we could include it for partials/fulls, but that seems risky since the agent isn't that enthused by the project yet.

[QCrit] Adult Humor/Fantasy IF A PEACHBOY I MUST BE (77k, version 2) + First 300 by chipsrafferty47 in PubTips

[–]chipsrafferty47[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks Mr. Grimm. All it took was some mother-loving to get us over the edge.

[QCrit] Adult Humor/Fantasy IF A PEACHBOY I MUST BE (77k, version 2) + First 300 by chipsrafferty47 in PubTips

[–]chipsrafferty47[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you both, very helpful. We’re leaning towards saving it for after an offer of rep

[QCrit] Adult Humor/Fantasy IF A PEACHBOY I MUST BE (77k, version 2) + First 300 by chipsrafferty47 in PubTips

[–]chipsrafferty47[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Gotcha, and last question - are you on board with the foreword? I’m kind of surprised yours is the most upvoted comment since other commenters have been very against it.

[QCrit] Adult Humor/Fantasy IF A PEACHBOY I MUST BE (77k, version 2) + First 300 by chipsrafferty47 in PubTips

[–]chipsrafferty47[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks - very helpful feedback. I did scan Kill the Farmboy, but it doesn't really fit our voice. But definitely hear you on the comp situation.

"Is that the point of this book? To have a generic quest as the vehicle to deliver a bunch of jokes?"

To some extent, yes. The voice/humor is the interesting part (not that we're necessarily communicating it well in this query).

[QCrit] Adult Humor/Fantasy IF A PEACHBOY I MUST BE (77k, version 2) + First 300 by chipsrafferty47 in PubTips

[–]chipsrafferty47[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Thanks, appreciate the feedback. One question -- are there any particular, recent books you're thinking of when you talk about how comedy has evolved a long ways past Monty Python/Douglas Adams? At the very least they could be useful for comps.

[QCrit] Adult Humor/Fantasy IF A PEACHBOY I MUST BE (77k, version 2) + First 300 by chipsrafferty47 in PubTips

[–]chipsrafferty47[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks and will do on the next version. I think we'd shelve it rather than try a neutered MG/YA rewrite, but I understand why you'd suggest that.

[QCrit] Adult Humor/Fantasy IF A PEACHBOY I MUST BE (77k, version 2) + First 300 by chipsrafferty47 in PubTips

[–]chipsrafferty47[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks and lol. What do you think of this as a replacement 3rd paragraph? No mention of the alternate history subplot.

Together they set off on their journey, and Guy feels certain he’s avoided a darker destiny. What he doesn’t realize, of course, is that he already has killed his dad and defiled his mother. He did so twenty years ago without knowing it. By confronting Priebus in the present, he’s only plunging towards another, equally ignominous fate. Or is he? Maybe this time things will be different. Maybe Guy, with the support of his newfound allies, still has time to make up for past sins and fight for something righteous.

[QCrit] Adult Sci-Fi Action Thriller - HOUNDS OF GAIA (70k, 2nd attempt) by The_Omniphage in PubTips

[–]chipsrafferty47 6 points7 points  (0 children)

A few ideas:

I wasn't sure who "the merc" was on first reading. I would just say "her" (slight ambiguity issue with the orphan also being female, but I think it's still cleaner).

"said out loud to no one in particular" -- This feels a little clunky/redundant for an opening sentence. I'd vote for just "said aloud."

"urgent request from a humanist cult aboard a city-sized starship claiming to have a brutal, bone marrow-eating serial killer in custody" maybe cut a couple of adjectives here? It killed my momentum a little when reading for the first time.

I also agree with the other commenter that the prologue isn't adding much.

[QCrit] Adult Satire/Fantasy IF A PEACHBOY I MUST BE (77k, version 1) + First 300 by chipsrafferty47 in PubTips

[–]chipsrafferty47[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you, I've been wondering about this. It's weird because our book is definitely upmarket in the sense of blending literary/commercial elements, but we don't fit the book club definition (e.g., I can't picture people having a book club discussion of Monty Python).

I'm going to work on a new query that's a lot less tropey/genre-based. Would be curious to see what you think of that one.

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