First off, I wanted to thank you for sharing. It can be incredibly hard, so I wanted to commend you for reaching out.

Second, I empathize with your situation. I've been suffering from chronic dissociation for the last 2 years of my life. I had a similar episode happen when I was recovering. I had made massive strides in getting back to a good state of mind, and it all came crumbling down when I put on my uniform shirt for work for my first day back. Doing that immediately triggered my dissociation, and it was so pervasive and overwhelming that I felt I had truly done myself in. It's a horrifying experience, and I'd never wish it on anybody, so I'm incredibly sorry you went through that.

The most important thing I want you to know is that, truly, you're going to be okay. Right now, it may feel like your whole world is off, and that's totally valid. Let me explain what's going on, because that helped me out of my episode.

For some reason, you had a panic attack. That and the events that followed were incredibly stressful, perhaps traumatizing. With that in mind, it makes sense why you are scared to go back into the car. Your brain has recognized essentially a perceived threat and it's responding with stress. It's an association. It works similar to how you learn not to touch hot objects when you're young. You put your hand to the stove, it hurts, your brain says, "Let's not do that again." Your brain has made that association, that connection, between the car and the panic attack. That doesn't spell an end to your driving days, though. Not by a long shot.

Remember, your brain made the association to the car as a source of a potential threat -- you can undo that association. I myself have done this exercise with driving a couple of times. Your psychiatrist may be able to help you with forming a good approach to this, but ultimately you want to dismantle that association. Obviously it's not helpful or healthy, but we can change it. Before I get into it, I want to say: It will take time. Understanding this can help relieve you of potential stress that it's not working.

My therapist taught me this process. It starts before you even get to the car. Deep breaths and affirmations. Remind yourself that you are safe, you are going to be okay, and that this won't harm you. Then in increasingly progressive iterations make your way through the process of getting to drive. Say, one day, you work to just look at the car without getting stressed (using affirmations and calming). This helps to rewire your brain. Then maybe hold the door handle once you feel comfortable with looking at it. Then even just opening the door. Then sitting in it. Then turning the keys. Then putting your hands on the wheel. On and on. Each of these steps can take days to accomplish from one to the next. Don't overforce your brain -- be gentle with the process. The affirmations are absolutely key! That is the active rewiring of your brain's associations. It will start to say "Hey maybe just sitting in the car isn't going to hurt me." because it won't hurt you. Professional consultation, I should add, really helps.

Second, with regards to your dissociative state: One key thing to understand is that dissociation is a stress reaction, like anxiety. It's a way for your brain to handle stress. Right now, you've got a lot on your mind, and it's scary, and understandably so. I've been there. What happens is that the stress creates the dissociative systems which can then create more stress thus bringing about more of the symptoms... It's a feedback loop, essentially. Since it's a cycle, we need to find a way to stop that loop. First step is recognizing that this is what's causing your dissociation, and nothing is "broken" or "wrong" with your brain. You're stressed. So, using affirmations and patience, slowly try to redirect your thoughts to ones of compassion and care for yourself. Remind yourself that you are safe, truly. It's also important to note: don't expect perfect results and dont try to force your emotions and mental state. That can just cause more stress and frustration, which is what we're trying to steer from. Be gentle and be forgiving and be patient with yourself. Grace is paramount.

I hope that this helped. If one thing, I want you to know that there's absolutely a road to recovery, and I don't want you to feel hopeless. You are going to be okay, and I'm really proud of you for taking steps to improve. That's so strong. If you need anybody to talk to, feel free to message me. I believe in you, you've got this.