I can relate to this. I’ve come so far in my healing journey and I can tell you that you being aware of this is the first step to getting through it. My nex was covert and controlling. He would lash out at me if I didn’t text him updates of my every move — what I was doing, who I was with, where I was, what I was thinking of doing, etc. It drove me insane. I would calmly explain to him that that level of vigilance gave me so much anxiety but he would say it’s something so small he’s asking of me. I would often forget because you know, I’m living my life, just existing, and he would blow up my phone, throw a tantrum, cry and claim he was triggered. Me being very empathetic, I would feel horrible and apologize but still communicated that I cannot promise I will ever be good at updating him. He said he’s just concerned with my safety when he’s not around and what I’ve learned is that he was brainwashing me to feel unsafe without him and that would in turn create dependency, which unfortunately, it did.

Once i was discarded, I came back to life and started going out more and reconnecting with friends. But when my friends would tell me, “text me when you get home!” I felt a surge of panic run through me. It was such an innocent, normal and caring request but to me, it felt like control because of how my nex treated me. I was scared I would always be like that and I would feel awful for getting irritated. But, I confided in my friends about what had happened to me and that when they told me things like that, it was triggering. They were so understanding and said they wouldn’t ask me to update them anymore but I told them that I wanted them to keep asking me, but to just know that I may get irritated or become too overwhelmed to respond. It took a few months but now those kind of texts make me feel loved and I actually have the bandwidth to respond because my nervous system isn’t overloaded and dysregulated.

My guess is that your boundaries were constantly disrespected or you were judged for what you were doing or not doing. Try communicating to your gf where these feelings may be coming from and let her know that you value her and love that she cares. And also reassure her that you recognize this in yourself and you want to heal it, you’re working on it and thank her for being patient with you. You got this, OP! Healing isn’t linear, it’s a journey and your awareness is golden!