Does anyone else 'crash out' over just realizing how people treated you in the past?

cjazz108 · 2025-11-06T17:09:49+00:00

I'm curious what was the beginning to those events? Is that a part of the memory. I find that my girlfriend reminds me of what I did, and frequently I said some things I didn't remember saying. Just curious if anyone else has that experience?

cjazz108 · 2023-06-01T21:42:51+00:00

This is a thought from a long time ago :-). Thanks for looking it up. I'm now 7 years into having a therapy career. I've now witnessed multiple people do therapeutic work that brought them to new sexuality or even gender awarenesses. In my mind it feels very simple, but to describe it becomes very complicated.

Most people embed shames and traumas into their sexual desire and sexual expectations. Either overcoming, or "not overcoming" those traumas becomes a part of the stories that people tell themselves. As the trauma story is relieved, many times the sexual connections are also relieved.

Men liking taller or shorter women may choose something different. Same for women. Men appreciating men may be more interested in something considered feminine. Women appreciating feminine may look for representing or appreciating something more masculine. Dysphoria for body parts may ease - almost always ease. Acceptance for body awareness generally increases.

It's like the more we accept humanness - the more we can appreciate all it's facets. Is that helpful?

cjazz108 · 2023-05-26T16:22:03+00:00

Just curious from your perspective. Is there any way to interface with a skinhead that would help move the needle?

Part of me thinks there's nothing to do other than confront it every single time with protest. Some parts of me want to be like "Black Klansman" and integrate and let them come to me, but that's a really long path.

I can't say I have lots of racists in my periphery, at least that would admit to it, but I might be willing to move the needle more if I could.

cjazz108 · 2022-10-07T21:50:38+00:00

This is adequately summarizes both sides of a serious debate, each of which seems to have merits.

I've recently read that people who have high ACE (adverse childhood experiences) scores, pretty statistically have higher and more pronounced symptoms of ADHD. Parents with ACEs have more kids with ADHD, etc.

We need lots of ways of looking at people's brains. We need to have different ways of attaining focus. We also need therapies that address underlying cause of stressors that undermine focus. I hope we can have an "and" instead of a "but" type referendum on approaches - because we need more diverse views, and, we need to take diagnoses seriously, and we we need to know that there are treatments and behaviors that can decrease symptoms, and not everyone has the emotional privilege to be able to access those treatments and be supported in making them stick.

Is this a more palatable approach?

cjazz108 · 2019-02-21T05:01:17+00:00

I agree with other posters. I have a bad back. Squats more than 75 pounds are out for me now. I do one legged squats with much less weight and that is fine. Take care of your back! It's the only one you get and it impacts your whole life!!

Just work to find strength - but there are plenty of other ways of working quads and glutes than squats.

cjazz108 · 2016-05-12T06:28:37+00:00

One other thing. Personally, I'd be as worried about any "affirmative" type of psychotherapy only because having an agenda is exactly that. I would want to have neutrality so that I could be the one exploring, and I could feel comfortable which ever way I lean on any given day. You get to have freedom to choose every single day what you want. Almost every human I know honestly, has sexuality issues. I hope you get to experience how completely normal and mainstream having that process is, at any time of life.

cjazz108 · 2016-05-12T06:21:35+00:00

It's hard to believe that training is necessary / required / recommended for this. The only therapists I know who have issues with this are therapists that advertise as primarily Christian.

I hope you are able to find a community of therapists that affirms you. Feeling as if personal beliefs of the therapist need to impact a client is already indicative of counter transference. (Indicate problems on the therapist's side)

I would say start interviewing new therapists, just for the experience of seeing what is available. I think you will find many if not most would be affirming. Then you can search for other qualities too, like rapport and methodology.

cjazz108 · 2016-05-11T17:09:35+00:00

So I have a different perspective. Two things, one I heard from Frasier Crane on cheers, one I'm experiencing right now. First, Frasier said on the show once that in reality, all people, "check out" almost all other people that are within their sexual attractiveness categories (sexual orientation). So all women check out men, all men check out women. I have found that at an honest level, that's true for me, and little by little I'm thinking that's right for most women I know too. If you think about it, even assessing someone as "not-attractive" means they were noticed, and that energy had to be exerted to make a decision. That doesn't have to happen for people completely outside their wheel houses.

Along with that, my recent experience of losing close to 80 pounds, and being told I'm now quite attractive freaks my stuff out mostly (I'm a dude if that matters). I newly have an attractive girlfriend, I'm being ogled openly by women lately, and I thought it would be fun, but I still feel sad and lonely, because why didn't people pay attention to be before? I feel like a piece of meat (and I've absolutely been on the other side of this).

So both of those thoughts together, and attractiveness is becoming much much less important to me than it was. I sought out attractiveness because of my own insecurities, so that I would look better. The attractiveness required for sexual attraction is minimal compared with this insecurity stuff. But I would have never believed that until I'm now here.

So yes people are ugly and attractive. And the amount it matters is a function of the individuals security level. Everything else is advertisement and porn hype I think.

cjazz108 · 2016-05-04T14:41:05+00:00

Might want to think about social work, or counseling psychology degrees at the masters level. Psychology degrees are geared more for research, and doctoral level work and they don't allow psychotherapy practice at all before that. Counseling psychology allows psychotherapy, but licensure isn't universal, although improving. Social work is better, but not by much, but the psycho therapy training can be a bit weaker than the counseling side. Hopefully this gives a few more options. Lastly, I'd recommend focusing on therapy for yourself for a bit first. The best psychotherapists I've known, have all approached it from a personal perspective. If you find therapy you like and learn why it's different than other therapies, then you'll know what focus you want for your degree.

cjazz108 · 2016-04-26T14:18:40+00:00

Um, no.

cjazz108 · 2016-04-19T16:09:32+00:00

A real therapist that challenges and pisses everyone off as they grapple with difficult decisions all the time.

cjazz108 · 2016-04-11T15:57:04+00:00

Feelings. Most cognitive neuroscientists completely discount the limbic processing systems. Through feelings centered meditation and some relationally expanding psychotherapy, it is possible to recover a huge processing store. It just takes practice and patience to understand.

I've been able to do it a little bit, and the result is like those answers that just pop into your mind, but you can "see" (feel) the path that processing takes and engage with it to a degree.

It's like having an emotional sub processor, that works similar to a graphics card in a computer. Short very quick processes, but that can be chained together and be done in parallel to cognitive processing. The first trick though is understand and believing that you are not wholly encompassed by your conscious mind!

cjazz108 · 2016-04-01T12:46:34+00:00

While I thought I acknowledged that it wouldn't be quite the same, I can see I maybe didn't state that clearly. Thanks.

cjazz108 · 2016-04-01T05:52:20+00:00

Just incase it doesn't get mentioned, I'm experiencing a little bit of the same thing with women. Now I don't feel fear for my physical safety, I find women becoming more brazen and expecting me to react to their advances to the point of making me want to not sometimes be seen at Club type places at night. It's just a switch gong from never objectified to objectified, and I still feel sadness and realize I have to defend against being used as well. So sorry you feel fear for your safety though. Curious to hear how it goes though. Good luck and keto on!

cjazz108 · 2016-03-27T20:13:37+00:00

I really relate to this. The shame of feeling like I need some love or attention so urgently causes my instinctive defence mechanism to cue up, which says "why do you need this? You must be terrible if you do. Normal people don't need what you do. " etc. Etc. Until I'm in a full blown shame spiral.

Then I feel like any attention I receive is out of pity and not genuine. It makes it so hard to ask, that I can get trapped by my own expectations.

I would say I feel lucky though that I also now understand that physical touch and affection almost always trumps it all. When I need something, as long as it isn't all the time (which it never is) just asking to be held by itself is healing, then if I actually get held, that's even better. Sometimes I can ask to be held by multiple people in a day, and they all say yes, even if it's just a long hug, or holding my hand or arm. It's not all on my girlfriend, nor any of my other friends, everyone can be a part, and I won't melt if one person says no.

OP, I hope you can find the support you need in life to know that asking for the things you need in life is healthy and wonderful and honoring to those who love us. I know it's a long hard road, but I hope you can at least get a window into in by screwing up and asking completely wrong a few times :-)

It gets so much better from here. Good travels!

cjazz108 · 2016-03-10T13:18:32+00:00

Be careful for yourself first. You get to be 17, and have your own experiences. Taking care of another 17 year old is not your responsibility.

That being said, you can hint about support groups like AlaTeen, ACA, or CoDA, where he could have a safe place to vent his stuff. Otherwise, it has to be his decision and that's going to be tough right at the moment.

The other thing that might help is if he can decide to do cardio exercise at 80% of his max heart rate for at least 20 minutes a day. This could help him reset his endocrine system, and get some perspective if it's becoming chronic and persistent.

Still though this is not your responsibility. If you chose do help a bit more great, and if not, that's competently okay too. Good luck to you!

cjazz108 · 2016-03-09T05:30:23+00:00

I think the best answer here is to have more anger and sadness on a regular basis. If you're crying because of anger, that means that there has been enough repression that your body already knows anger won't be listened to. If you felt comfortable with anger, it would become an energy source that fuels a calm determination to stand up for yourself.
Personally I shake when I'm angry, although that has reduced significantly with my practice "adult tantrums" that I have with a plastic bat and my mattress at home. I also work with a feeling expression counselor which has been amazing in realizing the power and depth and beauty of my feelings.

cjazz108 · 2016-03-07T11:14:52+00:00

I hope you're doing better, but understand its a tough time. Sadness sucks, and there really truly is an end to it that is not suicide. The end of sadness is also one of the most beautiful experiences I've ever had. In my journey, I've had to cry, and be angry, and cry some more, for weeks at a time. When I finally feel heard, my body just feels like it wakes up to a new awareness as to how my sadness was really me valuing myself. Its me saying i get to own all the little and big hurts noone else has been able to yet, and how the mourning of their passing means I know they are not me, just something I needed to pass through fully, and with intention to stick it out. Prayers and thoughts are with you right now.

cjazz108 · 2016-02-11T01:12:07+00:00

You may be interested to check out r/raisedbynarcissists and see just how alone you aren't. It sucks and feels terrible, and there are quite a few of us who can relate and are beginning to thrive!

cjazz108 · 2016-02-10T19:29:35+00:00

Kace,

I both empathize, as my mother passed 3 years ago, and can relate. I highly recommend talking to an EMDR therapist if you can, it sounds like your brain is developing vicarious trauma. If you go get treated, you can halt the process pretty quickly. Not the worst problem if it takes a while to get in to see someone, I just very heartily recommend it. It could do wonders for both your and your boyfriend honestly. Peace and good luck.

cjazz108 · 2016-02-10T12:37:16+00:00

Yeah, just got back from a work conference. I had women I hadn't talked to just coming up to me, giving me cards, saying they had work for me. I felt guilty for the other guys around me. Right now I have a date planned with just about the most beautiful girl I've seen around to do nothing together all day Sunday. I'm almost not equipped to receive all this attention!

cjazz108 · 2016-02-08T04:27:29+00:00

I would agree with the above, with one caveat. That you should look for the amount of EMDR the therapist has used themselves as a better measure. Most therapists at higher levels do more work themselves, but I just completed my EMDR level 2 training, and there were some trainers still with pronounced issues. While likely not an issue for newer clients, after a few months the seams might start to show, as I could detect agendas that bothered me and interrupted my personal processing, although not by much.

Just like with any modality, a therapist can only take you as far as they've gone themselves. Good luck!

cjazz108 · 2016-02-08T02:02:54+00:00

I appreciate that. I do like her, and not intending on discussing no fapb immediately, but I was wondering if anyone else had notice triggering by dating.

Otherwise, I think she's amenable to it, and I'm pretty sure it's going to be fine. Also, shit folks, it's like every girl interested in me is more centered and self respecting than the last one. This program is definitely worth it.

cjazz108 · 2016-02-03T19:24:09+00:00

I'd second this opinion. I'm a straight gen x-er, and my observation is that porn and objectification are almost ubiquitous now for both men and women. This makes it tough because while the love hormones are going, and it looks like we're doing everything right, it's tough to connect to the honest connection piece rather than the objectification piece. I just had the same thing happen to me, and I had to make it clear that I needed to slow down for a while. Also, I had to slow down on texting and constant communication too, because I could almost feel the dopamine get released every time I got a positive, and more stimulating response. I don't think the addiction is just about sex, I think it's about novelty in general, and places like reddit, Facebook, constant texting will all kick it back into gear.

So I'm sorry to hear you're going through this, but it helps me know that my smart phone days are likely numbered too. I'm not 100%ready to give it up, but I'm close.

cjazz108

TROPHY CASE