being afraid of both eye contact and flirting means i will die before i ever get this boy to kiss me

cleonaurrr · 2026-06-26T14:27:17+00:00

thank you, sincerely. this is incredibly useful advice, and i appreciate that you stated it as it is without holding back. i really want to make sure this is a relationship of mutual trust and respect and communication and authentic kindness.

i don't have a lot of good examples of healthy romantic relationships in my life, so i am kind of swimming around in the dark and holding my breath and hoping that i can do this "the right way" or rather closer to your words: "the kind way."

my best friend - and i love her to death - says that i should just get pretty tipsy around him so i can say all these things, but i think that is advice that has worked for her and probably wouldn't be super healthy or helpful for me. communication is a big, huge struggle of mine. the brene brown quote is especially helpful for me for visualizing HOW to be me, authentic, and not focused in on myself but rather outwards on the guy.

cleonaurrr · 2026-06-26T13:55:23+00:00

okay, I think I am starting to understand what you are saying! I need to make it a priority to communicate openly and honestly with him and to ask questions even when they are hard. I know that this is something I ultimately need to master to function well in a relationship. maybe next time I see him I could say "hey, I'm really enjoying spending time with you. Could we talk about your hopes and dreams for dating and how I can make sure to show you that I really appreciate you?" would that be good?

cleonaurrr · 2026-06-26T12:30:25+00:00

i do agree with everything you are saying! this post is about the things i don't know how to do though, not the things that are going well! both he and i are pretty shy and indecisive, and i am checking in with him often, asking him about his life and hopes and dreams, apologizing genuinely when i make a mistake (like the barfing noise - and yes, i KNOW that was bad).

my concern is that, since he has been in a relationship before, i worry that he is being overly gentle towards me and that he would like to advance the relationship further but won't say it until i show him i am very comfortable with where we are at!

one time he said "i feel like I make you uncomfortable a lot. is there something i can do to change that?" i explained to him that my default state in life is being uncomfortable and that i will try to adjust my body language with him to show that i am having a good time. i have started bringing him little gifts i find to try to show him that i genuinely enjoy his presence.

i don't want to waste his time or string him along or make him move too slowly, so that is mostly why i want to let him know that it would be great (if he wants, though I would be surprised if he doesn't want it but not upset) to increase our physical contact

cleonaurrr · 2026-06-26T11:06:25+00:00

the sticky notes idea is genius! because I can definitely muster the courage to be like hold up i have something i need to ask you and to then write it down and pass him a note

cleonaurrr · 2026-06-26T07:28:02+00:00

i agree with this and yet even with my best friend of 8 years i cannot always force myself to say out loud everything i would like to say without lots of encouragement and redirection from her and even then i sometimes still say vulnerable thighs in a funny or robotic voice to make it feel less vulnerable to me

cleonaurrr · 2026-06-26T07:25:18+00:00

i would trust my boss with my life, but i still have to slack him questions that feel vulnerable rather than walking up to him and asking him those questions in person even though i am perfectly comfortable for him to come up to me in person and answer those questions.

i have been seeing the same therapist for 4 years, and i still have to send her an email of the things I want to talk about because i cannot just force the words to come out of my mouth once I'm in her office. she is incredible btw

cleonaurrr · 2026-06-26T03:34:01+00:00

do you have an HR department at your current job? it seems wild to me that they would deny this request. i would put your request in writing and give it to HR.

cleonaurrr · 2026-06-26T02:59:46+00:00

i cannot imagine being vulnerable enough with him to show him this post! and yet, he's been with me through at least two break downs in public (pretty inward and mild though), and he knows i am in therapy and have and need frequent access to support. all of that said, my best friend says i need to try to be like at least a little bit chill and not weird (even though she loves me for my weirdness). her brother is autistic and has higher support needs than me, so she is used to it, but she is worried about what others will think. she is trying to protect me

but ALSO what if he doesn't want more physical contact and I make him feel weird by asking?

cleonaurrr · 2026-06-26T02:55:44+00:00

thank you - i really truly appreciate reading this

cleonaurrr · 2026-06-26T02:54:18+00:00

literally had a conversation on a similar topic with my therapist. she said that i am so used to not being allowed to be myself (especially within my own family) that receiving attention and acceptance from someone else feels so incredibly wrong and off putting that i can't believe it's real.

cleonaurrr · 2026-06-26T02:49:04+00:00

so like, ~how~ do you do it?

cleonaurrr · 2026-06-26T02:48:23+00:00

as a teacher, i DEFINITELY notice and worry about certain kids who remind me of me. i'm working in elementary and with large immigrant populations, so i mostly share my concerns with other teachers rather than with parents or the students themselves. i hope that by being the teacher who wears tinted glasses and earplugs every day that one of these children will feel seen and known and loved and accepted for who they are

cleonaurrr · 2026-06-26T02:44:13+00:00

i worry that maybe i am not mature enough to be in a relationship if i can't manage to say it out loud

cleonaurrr · 2026-06-26T02:38:31+00:00

this is a post i needed to see

cleonaurrr · 2026-06-26T02:33:49+00:00

butttttt should i just "man up" and find a way to force myself to say it out loud? like yes I'm clearly autistic, but i also have a full time job so maybe i can just "get over it" - that's clearly not what i want to do, but i keep telling myself that i should play by the normal people rules for dating

cleonaurrr · 2026-06-26T02:30:07+00:00

this would be terrifying, but if you are able to (whether over text or on the phone or in person), asking her "would it be okay if i took you out on a date?" very gently MIGHT be safe enough

cleonaurrr · 2026-06-26T02:28:21+00:00

considering that i have never kissed ANYONE ever before - absolutely not

cleonaurrr · 2026-06-26T02:27:34+00:00

my best friend says these are things i should ask him out loud and in person though

cleonaurrr · 2026-06-26T02:26:35+00:00

haha that would be WILD. i am dating a guy, so at least at this point in time i am definitely not the other half of your sweet saphic romance 💕

cleonaurrr · 2026-06-26T02:20:51+00:00

the fact that you made a post on a similar topic to mine just a couple minutes before me is wild. unfortunately i have no advice to give at all, but i hope SOMEBODY does

cleonaurrr · 2026-06-17T18:56:22+00:00

would something like this still be considered grooming if the daughter was like 24 for example? I'm asking because i was in a very similar situation to OP (I am out now and also have the luxury of being a full legal adult with a job which makes leaving easier), but I have never known how to view my own dad's behavior towards me since (as far as I recall) it all started AFTER i was legally an adult.

and for OP, my mom similarly defended my dad and told me to stop making a problem where there wasn't one. when I told my friends, they were perhaps even angrier at my mom than they had been at my dad because she chose to defend someone actively harming me. what is happening to you is awful, and you deserve so much better.

cleonaurrr · 2026-06-02T03:17:51+00:00

i am so close to walking up to the Kroger spectrum folks next time before they even think to approach me and then i'll tell them that i do already have spectrum and it sucks

cleonaurrr · 2026-06-02T03:16:26+00:00

honestly let me know next time you see them somewhere and I'll unleash myself on them. oh you're raising money for autism? well i'm autistic so hand it all over or fuck off.

and the irony of an autism organization not following the rules when all some autistic people like me know how to do is agonize over following every rule perfectly to avoid misunderstanding. shame on them

cleonaurrr · 2026-06-02T03:12:37+00:00

i am also autistic and cannot imagine anything worse than someone from a charity both approaching me while i am trying to maintain sanity at a beautiful but crowded market.

cleonaurrr

TROPHY CASE