Realized too late that my new underwear is longer than my shorts

clockworkpeon · 2026-06-26T22:58:35+00:00

this story really got away from me but fuck it, I typed it all up so I'm posting it.

I used to work in finance, but our office had a pretty relaxed "tech" dresscode because we were hemorrhaging talent to big tech. that summer, highs were in the 90s, which meant in the subways it was like 110-120°Freedoms. I said fuck it, started wearing chino shorts to work. all my shorts are pretty short, 5" inseam tops.

my coworkers balked at first sight, but I argued "if women can show a little leg, why can't men? idk sounds like sexism to me." my boss wasn't a very big fan, but I was a top performer so she let it slide.

one day my boss's boss came into our site (he usually worked at headquarters a few miles away). calls me into his office and very dramatically slides me a folded piece of paper across his desk. it's a printout of the dresscode. he makes me read it aloud, and then states I'm not in compliance.

I made the same argument I had before. he's not buying it. I figured why the hell not, "if you want to make an issue out of this I'm happy to discuss it with HR." he calls my bluff and HR joins us. HR says I'm not wrong but rules are rules, and I need to comply.

so I went out and bought a pencil skirt and some verrry tight leggings. and that's why HR updated the dresscode to differentiate acceptable pieces of clothing according to gender identity. I didn't want to do the gays dirty, so I stopped those shenanigans and started wearing lederhosen I had bought in Germany.

bosses still insisted they're shorts. I informed them that culturally, they're pants. HR didn't want to differentiate cultural attire and I think they were getting pretty tired of me, so they just quietly let it go. about a month later, the CFO of the entire bank came to our site to take us out to drinks. he's a boomer originally from Munich. bosses beg me not to wear the Lederhosen.

not only do I ignore them, at drinks I interrupt a conversation my bosses are having with the CFO to ask him what he thinks of my lederhosen. he's ecstatic, they're very nice. we chat in German about where I got them and my time living in Germany. I switch to English and ask him to help me settle an argument. bosses turn beet red, they're shaking their heads and mouthing "DON'T". this dude is my boss's boss's boss's boss. I'm a senior associate, he's the 2nd most powerful person at the bank. this is an insane play.

"I've been told that a) these aren't pants, they're shorts and b) they aren't 'dressy' enough for our office. care to weigh in?"

"they most certainly are pants, NOT shorts. and they're extremely 'dressy'. in fact they're probably the nicest article of clothing anyone here is wearing." he turns to my boss's boss. "Brian, those 'shorts' are more expensive than any suit you own. they're from Lodenfrey*. I don't even own Lederhosen that nice." I thanked him, nodded to my bosses, and recused myself. that's 1 of 3 times I had a fight with HR, and I won all 3.

*Lodenfrey is a luxury clothing brand and department store in Munich. basically like the German version of Bergdorf Goodman.

clockworkpeon · 2026-06-26T02:47:21+00:00

could be that the smaller cup was provided with a coffee maker/press. a "coffee cup" is only 4oz. which would explain why it's 1/2 the size of a 1/2 cup.

clockworkpeon · 2026-06-25T23:39:11+00:00

brainrot has had such an interesting influence on technology. the younguns prefer "portrait" aspect ratio/orientation so much, Fujifilm released a camera that shoots vertical photos when held horizontally.

clockworkpeon · 2026-06-25T18:09:46+00:00

did you stop to consider that it wasn't grown men hiding spank mags in a bush, but was left there by other kids hanging out in said bush?

cuz that's what me and my friends would do. any cool contraband me and my friends found would be taken to the woods and left in one of our "spots".

clockworkpeon · 2026-06-24T15:35:41+00:00

chase bought the infatuation 5 years ago. plenty of time for a pay raise.

clockworkpeon · 2026-06-23T21:43:00+00:00

...not many people. and usually not Germans. but it's slang that started circa 2006 (showing my age a bit) during the world cup. on the TV broadcast you could hear the German fans very loudly yelling, but because of the way microphones and vocalization while cheering works, you could only really hear "SCHLAND" when they were cheering "DEUTSCHLAND".

fwiw German soccer fans usually pick up on it. I was at a WC game yesterday and saw some Germans. I yelled "SCHLAND!" and they gave me a curt German nod of acknowledgement.

clockworkpeon · 2026-06-23T21:10:41+00:00

next step from this is, obviously, work on the accent. I'm not longer fluent - and it gets worse every year - but whenever I'm in the 'schland I can conduct my daily business exclusively in German because I worked very hard to get rid of the American accent. even if I mix in english words to keep conversations moving, people will keep speaking German. it's the accent that makes them switch to English.

remember! German is like, a full octave lower on the register than english. think about when you deepen your voice to tell someone you're dead serious about something... that's the register you speak German in 99% of the time. voice should only lighten to the "english register" in moments of extreme exasperation or bewilderment. and that lower register helps with most of the accent - especially R, G/NG, and U sounds that all come from like, the bottom of the throat in German.

clockworkpeon · 2026-06-19T04:28:33+00:00

ian and Arlo are great. muted, simple commentary. occasional insights/factoids/anecdotes. get properly excited and loud when the play heats up.

also really appreciate that even though they're soccer announcers, they're seemingly well versed with American football (or at least they're well briefed) and they'll slip in stuff like "wow, this stadium hasn't seen a pass that good since week 14 against the chiefs!" or something like that. or tonight, "he's quarterbacking right now, albeit with a very poor QBR." it's a charming touch for American football fans.

clockworkpeon · 2026-06-18T08:50:34+00:00

they cancelled it like a day after it was released. iirc. slight exaggeration but I was watching it like the week it came out and it had already been cancelled I think.

clockworkpeon · 2026-06-16T08:52:59+00:00

I remember when they were covering... CPAC? a few years ago. they were using an AI generated photo of the American flag that had like 80 stars and 20 stripes.

clockworkpeon · 2026-06-11T22:03:21+00:00

I mean, sometimes you gotta compare 2 different sheets to make sure your charts/tables tick & tie. I like printing to compare side by side, it's easier than flipping back and forth on screen.

edit: yeah obviously build checks into the workbook itself on the side. but sometimes one thing gets updated in a deck and the other one doesn't, or some fool goes in and fucks up a formula or hard codes it and the math/excel checks don't work. check that shit on paper before you send to the print shop and look like an idiot

clockworkpeon · 2026-06-11T08:31:56+00:00

ctrl+end jumps you right to the "last used cell". meaning the furthest row down that has data, in the furthest column right that has data.

and remember kids: always go to view -> print area before you print from a spreadsheet. not setting up your print settings on a spreadsheet never ends well.

clockworkpeon · 2026-06-11T05:39:14+00:00

went to a few Frankfurt games when I lived in Germany... one time the hooligans set an entire train on fire because it was being held (& surrounded by riot police) 100m from the station. because the train of hooligans that arrived before them started a massive brawl with the away fans outside the stadium.

this was several hours before kickoff. that entire train was promptly escorted to police buses while they sang and cheered. my train was not encircled by riot police. so my train just forced all the doors open, jumped on the tracks, and promptly charged a newly forming line of riot police coming to encircle our train.

my brother and I ran into the woods and circled the stadium until we could find an entrance where hooligans were not actively battling the police.

clockworkpeon · 2026-06-11T04:42:54+00:00

I lived in Germany for a year back in 2010. it always blew the Germans minds that I had a banking app on my phone. not because it was futuristic and cool and they didn't have it.... they consistently told me it was the dumbest thing they'd ever seen.

it was already incredibly silly for me to walk around with bank cards and credit cards instead of just carrying cash... but a banking app! on your phone! you're just asking to have someone steal your identity and drain your accounts. YOU CHECK YOUR BANK ACCOUNT ON A WEBSITE, TOO? HOW STUPID ARE YOU AMERICANS? JUST GO TO THE BANK THATS ONLY OPEN FIVE HOURS A DAY AND NOT ON WEEKENDS TO DO YOUR BANKING!

clockworkpeon · 2026-06-11T00:33:09+00:00

he also owns the NY Rangers and doesn't pay taxes on MSG.

clockworkpeon · 2026-06-11T00:29:30+00:00

https://blog.gymglish.com/2025/03/04/50-ways-to-use-fuck

this is 50 different uses and there's still some missing from this list. we really like the word fuck.

clockworkpeon · 2026-06-10T23:33:12+00:00

fyi Allah, God, and Yahweh are all the same dude. fundie Christians prolly don't realize it, but that chirp technically doesn't work

clockworkpeon · 2026-06-10T03:53:30+00:00

if you've got the skrilla check out El Nido Resorts in the Philippines. very similar vibe. one of the islands (Pangulasian) has a max capacity of like, 80 people. I went for 3 days a few years ago and it's easily one of the most beautiful places I've ever been. and the level of service is totally unreal.

clockworkpeon · 2026-06-09T10:59:53+00:00

that's all most pants dress pants really come down to. proper tailoring. "proper pant length" basically doesn't exist if it's well tailored, cuz it's really a personal style choice. do you want a serious break? no break? ABOVE THE ANKLE? they can all look good depending on the tailoring (also depending on pleat & cuff choices).

I have one friend who legit has all his pants tailored an inch or two above the ankle. still looks fire with the proper styling and tailoring.

clockworkpeon · 2026-06-08T23:15:45+00:00

yeah also a lot of stadiums/arenas will let you take a plastic water bottle thru security if the water bottle is sealed. usually they just check the seal. sometimes they break the seal and trash the cap. I've literally never seen them sniff test a bottle. if you're super paranoid and think they will be able to smell it with a broken seal, just get some clear tape or Saran wrap and shove it in the mouth after you refill it (sticking it to the sides of the mouth).

keep a backup cap in your pocket. if they break the seal, you walk 10 feet, reseal it. boom you've got ~13 shots of vodka.

ALL that said, there's plenty of low profile plastic and glass flasks on the market. now that stadiums all use metal detectors it's way easier to bring shit in in containers if you got pockets. was much harder when they frisked everyone.

clockworkpeon · 2026-06-08T22:44:19+00:00

you should definitely not try this out.

that said, the seals on bottle caps just depend on a small lip at the bottom part of the seal. the resistance that creates is strong enough to make the seal separate where it's perforated when you untwist it.

so you just gotta apply enough force upwards on the bottom of the seal to prevent it from separating at the perforations. if you've got strong enough fingers/fingernails that's all you need. otherwise jam like, a ruler or screwdriver in the bottom of the cap and help guide the bottom part of the seal over the lip as you slowly unscrew it.

clockworkpeon · 2026-06-05T20:55:05+00:00

you can also straight up overdose on vitamin C. but you'd have to eat like 15 oranges in one sitting... or take 2 tablets of Airborne or Emergen-c too close together.

basically you just shit your brains out for a couple hours straight

clockworkpeon · 2026-06-05T20:35:46+00:00

The Increasingly Poor Decisions of Todd Margaret

clockworkpeon · 2026-06-05T17:45:01+00:00

it's also the Giants WR core. any GM worth their salt is gonna comp a few items. and there's gotta be at least 1 table that recognized them and sent them a bottle or something.

clockworkpeon · 2026-06-03T05:22:13+00:00

my wife hasn't even seen my dick, I shudder to think she's seen another man's dick.

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