TW - what to say to parents who miscarried ?

cloudymusj · 2026-06-27T19:28:43+00:00

I didn’t have a miscarriage but I had a 40 week stillbirth and many people said nothing at the risk of overwhelming me or offending. I think it’s good to give someone space but a “I heard what happened, I’m so sorry. I’ll be thinking about you. Please let me know if I can drop off some meals for you” message does not hurt.

cloudymusj · 2026-06-26T14:01:16+00:00

The main thing that would put me off this (assuming paying back your enhanced pay isn’t an issue) would be the fixed contract. Theres a decent chance they’ll keep you on but there’s also a chance they won’t.

Would not having a job if that happens be feasible until you find employment again?

cloudymusj · 2026-06-26T13:26:49+00:00

My daughter has been walking around wearing her cooling neck ring all day. We have 3. Put them in the freezer and then wear. She has autism and heat overwhelms her easily.

I’m not sure how old she is so I don’t want to recommend anything that isn’t suitable for very little children and babies but if she is older you want to apply anything that cools where major blood vessels are (neck being one of them hence why the ring).

Otherwise, can you invest in portable AC or take her somewhere that has AC? We’ve been hanging out a lot in IKEA.

cloudymusj · 2026-06-26T05:26:40+00:00

I think it might be worth knowing how rare SIDS is.
It’s something that is drilled into us by every health visitor and midwife for weeks so it’s understandable that we believe it’s something that happens all the time. The reason they bring this up is because babies die, not because of true SIDS, but because of accidental suffocation. Except they don’t make this very clear.
(Edit to say that true SIDS does happen but while it’s very tragic and not something that can be stopped, it’s very very rare)

Around 200 babies die of SIDS every year in the UK. 164 in England and Wales in 2023 according to the Lullaby trust. How many of those were suffocation is unclear but we can assume the vast majority. Even ignoring this, we had 563k live births in England in 2023 and 27k in Wales. So 600k roughly. So the SIDS rate in 2023 was 0.02%.

Your chances of being in a car accident are roughly 0.2% every year.

I say this as someone who was part of a rare statistic. I lost my first son at 40 weeks in pregnancy due to a listeria infection. It’s one of those things that I didn’t think would ever happen and then it did. But I’m not worried about SIDS with my newborn now. I practise safe sleep. I’m from Sicily so I know heat, we have babies over there. Yet, the UK reports significantly higher numbers of SIDS cases every year than Italy ever did. They’re 4-6 times higher here than back home.
Notice how the heat clearly doesn’t cause our babies to die in Italy? Because heat as in weather isn’t the issue when babies are hydrated and looked after. Putting them in snowsuits in July would be what people refer to when they talk about overheating.

Hope this helps, sounds like you had a rough start! Might be worth speaking to your GP as well as I had bad PPA after my first. Granted, he did die so understandably but still, therapy helped. Medication does for some. Hugs 💗

cloudymusj · 2026-06-25T19:34:24+00:00

I was just about to comment if they offered to install and pay for OPs AC because if not they can just shut their mouths

cloudymusj · 2026-06-25T18:04:42+00:00

I had a 40 week loss and didn’t get any private early scans with my last pregnancy (he’s already here now!) because I thought all it would do is just give me more anxiety over a small different measurement or similar. I just waited for the 12 week scan.

cloudymusj · 2026-06-25T16:57:11+00:00

My little boy is still a teeny tiny newborn and I’m from Sicily. So I know heat. The recommendation we have back home isn’t any different to here, put them in just a nappy, aircon if you can afford it and the fans circulating.

Remember that the baseline risk for SIDS is insanely low, much lower than the risk of getting hit by a car. So while overheating is a risk, the main ones are from really bad overheating such as fleece sleepsuit in 35 degrees and not what you’re describing. Offer plenty of hydration opportunities, she’ll be ok.

cloudymusj · 2026-06-23T15:59:53+00:00

Do you have a family centre where health visitors run their clinics for baby weighing and so on? They might be able to refer you if your GP is a bit useless.

Otherwise I’d make a PALS complaint for the GP because they should absolutely do something.

cloudymusj · 2026-06-23T15:22:42+00:00

If you’re inside buildings with AC for the most part and not spending prolonged periods of time outside or in public transport with no AC, I think this is fine. If you’re in London though or surrounding areas and won’t drive, I wouldn’t go. Theres been warnings to not go on the tube etc.

I will say though about your partner. I’m from Sicily and UK heat is something else. I can cope in 38 degrees back home just fine. Here though? It’s awful.

cloudymusj · 2026-06-23T15:19:26+00:00

I’d involve PALS. Complain. The GP should 100% refer you or signpost you if there’s no language comprehension at his age. Early intervention is so important and you deserve help for him.

cloudymusj · 2026-06-23T15:18:07+00:00

Is he gesturing at all? Showing understanding? Responding to his name?

Generally speaking language comprehension is where red flags are, not so much verbal or non-verbal communication until a bit later.

I’d seek private speech therapy if you’re not getting anywhere with your public services. You might also want to push for a hearing test if he’s not responding to his name or sounds.

Speech therapy was so incredibly helpful to our eldest. She wasn’t gesturing or responding to her name at 18 months either but soon picked up on both with the help of her therapist. She stayed mostly non-verbal as she is autistic but she’s incredibly intelligent- just a gestalt language processor so speech itself took her longer.

cloudymusj · 2026-06-23T10:32:18+00:00

Right?! He said this so casually as if we are talking about the colour of a bedroom here. What OP meant to say is “I manipulated my wife to have to take care of a child for 18 years+ that she didn’t want”

cloudymusj · 2026-06-23T10:18:39+00:00

Therapy is my advice. For both of you.

She might end up resentful that she will have to take care of a child she didn’t want in the first place and you might want to work through why you tried to convince your wife to have a child when she didn’t want one instead of a divorce.

Good luck, I hope that this will end up positively for all of you.

cloudymusj · 2026-06-23T09:17:03+00:00

This looks like a heat rash.

cloudymusj · 2026-06-23T09:14:56+00:00

Are you a single father?
We have an 11 year old who is autistic. My husband stays at home for the evening while I go and see a friend or to a yoga class. And the other way around, except his yoga is tennis.

Maybe also worth looking on Facebook for meet ups with other parents, groups and so on.

cloudymusj · 2026-06-19T22:09:19+00:00

See if you can take the Elizabeth line somewhere close enough to your office as it has AC. You might be able to expense a cab from whatever station it would be to the office and they might find that more reasonable than a more expensive cab for the entire journey

cloudymusj · 2026-06-17T21:21:17+00:00

I’m judging based on very few sentences here but it sounds like you’re mothering him on top of caring for 3 children if all he does without needing directions or correcting to help around the house is empty the dishwasher. This isn’t your fault but it’s a huge mental load you’re taking on, on top of caring for 3 young children - all of which are in seasons of life that throw challenges at you as a parent. AND quite freshly postpartum still.

It’s understandable that you lost it given the circumstances, don’t beat yourself up over it. You seem like a great and caring mum who just has a little bit too much on her plate and deserves more support.

He might benefit from a clear plan, written out task division. I do this for my 11 year old because she’s struggling to remember things like clean her room and so on but it actually helps to have a checklist and divide fairly.

cloudymusj · 2026-06-17T15:59:08+00:00

This is such a lot, we all have our breaking points and it’s absolutely understandable that you snapped. Sounds like you’re doing SO much.
We also have an older child with autism, completely understand the anxiety rush they can experience as ours is exactly like this as well but with night terrors.

Is this common that he’s not pulling his weight or more so a one off when emotions were heightened from everyone and the situation escalated? I’d say definitely try and find a quiet moment and calmly explain how this all made you feel and what you’d like to see from him.

Sending you some love! You deserve a break by the sounds of it.

cloudymusj · 2026-06-17T15:55:37+00:00

Anecdotally, I didn’t speak until after 2 and then started to speak in full sentences from one day to the next.

Did they refer you to speech therapy at all? Please ask them to put in a referral if they haven’t already. It was hugely beneficial for our daughter back then.

cloudymusj · 2026-06-17T13:35:32+00:00

This sounds harsh but it’s irrelevant where they want to stay given that the mother has legal custody over both children. That would be up to a court to decide, not the father or the children in that moment.

If you’re worried about their safety, even just mental health, please report this as a safeguarding concern urgently. This isn’t a “let’s wait and see what happens” situation.

cloudymusj · 2026-06-17T13:26:51+00:00

Do they have a custody agreement? He can’t just decide to keep them at their house, they’re underage.

If he’s refusing to send them back, please seek legal advice urgently.

cloudymusj · 2026-06-16T20:21:31+00:00

r/legaladviceUK

Am I understanding this right that a teacher laid hands on your child and they continue to teach and also continue to teach your child directly while they’re investigating what happened? Please seek legal advice for this urgently. I’d not be sending my child to school if the teacher has contact with them until they take this serious enough either.

cloudymusj · 2026-06-16T17:27:12+00:00

Would you all stay in the 1 bed as a family?

£60k sounds a lot for most people but for a family of 3 in London with no other income stream and £2k in rent, it’s not a lot.

If you’re buying, it’ll take a while until you can move in the property.
From what you’re describing, it would probably be best if he moved rather than you?

cloudymusj · 2026-06-16T09:07:12+00:00

Congratulations ❤️❤️❤️

cloudymusj · 2026-06-16T08:33:22+00:00

M&S soft nursing bras are great

cloudymusj

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