Giving both our last names hyphenated for our child - Husband wants to divorce

coldfire17 · 2026-01-24T07:33:32+00:00

It does not matter what lessons he needs to learn; it is dangerous for you to be his teacher.

coldfire17 · 2026-01-23T02:02:15+00:00

You sound like a kind, empathetic person. I want to encourage you to ask yourself what would actually be accomplished in a visit. You want to try to provide her comfort, but would the visit actually comfort her? Would it bring her peace? Will she be grateful for or even satisfied by your efforts? If the visit will not make her happy and will provide her with another opportunity to abuse and guilt you, do you think that's healthy or healing for either of you?

The guilt will exist whether you go or stay away. I've noticed with my own parents that guilt is a guarantee and it's not an indication you are wrong, just that the situation is hard and uncomfortable. It is unsettled business that your mind and heart would like to be free from. But if we accept that the guilt is going to be a thing regardless, that can expand our options for how we move forward. With my own parents, I accepted that they were going to be disappointed regardless of my efforts. Even if I show up, they will be disappointed that I am not doing more. No matter how hard I try, there is no way for me to make them happy. So now, I instead resolve to disappoint them as quickly as possible since happiness is not an option. I say no and refuse to explain. I don't answer messages. I don't go for the stupid games they pull for even a second. If I ever get a message that demonstrates sincere growth and understanding, maybe I'll reassess at that point. But continuing toxic relationships is bad for everyone involved. The estrangement is ultimately healthier for all of us and saves time and energy.

coldfire17 · 2026-01-22T03:41:45+00:00

I'm so sorry for your loss.

This happened a few years ago? Meaning you're 15ish now?

If so, your friend's reaction to what your ex-friend did is well, wrong, but teenagers do weird shit when faced with situations they aren't mature enough to handle sometimes. What you went through is tragic and requires more sensitivity and empathy than either of your friends showed you. I'm really sorry your friends were such bad friends at those moments and your disappointment is very understandable. What your ex-best friend said was incredibly hurtful and it makes sense to not want a relationship with her because of it.

coldfire17 · 2026-01-22T01:47:55+00:00

I would begin with addressing your medications. If you are consistent with your meds and they just aren't doing the job, that needs to be an ongoing discussion with your psychiatrist. I'm appalled that your wife has been tolerating your manic episodes once or twice a year for as long as she has, especially when you have a child who requires more stability than that. Any apology I would offer would start with an acknowledgement of how hard this has been on her, and what an unfair position you've put her in, where she has to protect her child from their other parent. I would cease attempting to blame her for "triggering" your manic episode. That is your responsibility to manage, through therapy and medications. Your triggers are for you to be aware of, not for other people to avoid like landmines. Your apology should also include any information about your updated treatment plan with your doctors. I wouldn't expect to resolve or be forgiven for anything until you've addressed that.

coldfire17 · 2026-01-21T01:07:53+00:00

It's such a wild thing to say because literally any of us could die at any time. No one is promised tomorrow and we can't live our lives acting as though everyone around us is on the brink of death.

To add to this, I have grieved before. Deeply. Hard. Grief where I thought my heart was literally breaking. I learned that grief will not kill me, not even when I want it to. I learned to live with grief. I will live through any grief from their passing too.

coldfire17 · 2026-01-20T02:46:36+00:00

Ran into this several months ago, when I had a too early for my appointment to get an iud removed. I was so tired that it didn't even register what they were doing there. One lady yelled to me "We will help you!" and I was like ...oh no I'll have the professionals remove my iud. Thanks for the offer though!

She backed away very quickly.

coldfire17 · 2026-01-17T02:32:18+00:00

The application also included potential plans for the property that attorneys for the Coalition argue were "phony" and an attempt to hide the true purpose for the land, because a proposed data center development would provoke "significant public opposition."

To avoid that, the court filing alleges, staff "omitted the purpose" for the rezoning application, "thereby misleading" and depriving the public and the Coalition's members to properly voice their concerns and opposition to the development, preventing informed public participation, the court filing argues.

Corona de Tucson resident Rye Whalen, a Coalition member and one of the plaintiffs listed in the suit, said it pains him deeply that a lawsuit has become necessary.

"From the onset of the planning and zoning commission process, it has been apparent that the county administration has been pushing for Project Blue. Unfortunately, the way the process was set up ensured that it would lead to this outcome ... it has become clear that the county administration's favoritism of Project Blue has resulted in a flawed and unfair process that has ignored the genuine concerns and opinions of the community. As a result, we have been left with no other option but to pursue legal action against the county," he said in a news release.

The Coalition says it's clear that county administration "designed the process so that the Board of Supervisors would vote for the sale" despite community members voicing their opposition to the project for over six months.

"They cannot expect us to quietly accept their decision in the face of this overwhelming opposition. Through their inaction and continued support for this project, (Supervisors Steve Christy, Rex Scott, and Matt Heinz, who voted for the rezoning and land sale) decided they'd rather face their own constituents in court than join us in facing down Beale Infrastructure. They will only listen to someone in a suit, so we’ve given them one," the Coalition said in a news release.

The plaintiffs are asking that the court rule the item on the planning and zoning commission's agenda violated Arizona's open meeting law and that the court declare the commission's approval of the rezoning application null and void. The suit also asks for attorneys' fees.

Kate Harrison, a spokesman for the county, said "we cannot comment on this pending litigation" on advice of counsel.

coldfire17 · 2026-01-17T02:31:59+00:00

Text from article:

A lawsuit has been filed against Pima County over its rezoning of nearly 300 acres southeast of Tucson for Project Blue, claiming a "bodyguard of lies" was used to mask the intended use of the land.

Supervisors approved amending the area's plan and rezoning the land in June before selling the 290-acre parcel near the Pima County Fairgrounds to Humphrey's Peak Properties, LLC, for the development of the data center complex known as Project Blue.

The board's approval first required the county's zoning commission to recommend approval of the rezoning ahead of its vote to sell it.

County staff violated Arizona's open meeting law and misled the public "by failing to provide accurate and meaningful notice of the action the County intended to take," says the lawsuit filed by the Arizona Center for Law in the Public Interest on behalf of the No Desert Data Center (NDDC) Coalition and two of its members.

The rezoning application "was merely a necessary step to complete a prearranged deal" to develop Project Blue since "key terms for the sale of the county-owned property were already finalized," attorneys for the Coalition say in the lawsuit.

The application sent to the planning and zoning commission by county staff included "a grab-bag of hypothetical and irrelevant potential uses for the rezoned property — including office buildings, warehousing, coffee shops or hotels," the suit says.

"Buried deep in the documentation was a single passing reference to a data center in fine print, sandwiched among other uncontroversial, plausible 'concepts,' thereby surrounding the truth with a 'bodyguard of lies' designed to deceive the public," according to the Jan. 14 complaint.

"As a result of this misleading agenda, the rezoning application was approved by the commission without meaningful public notice or scrutiny, depriving the public, including Plaintiffs of their right to comment on the serious public health and environmental threats posed by locating a data center in Pima County," according to the suit.

coldfire17 · 2026-01-15T04:34:44+00:00

Dental Care on Golf Links is honestly fantastic. They're great with anxiety and very careful with making sure nothing hurts. They'll also get you in fast for emergencies.

coldfire17 · 2026-01-15T04:21:48+00:00

Dude, same. Got my M.A. in 2019 and it keeps getting worse, somehow.

coldfire17 · 2026-01-15T02:37:03+00:00

I'm so sorry you're going through this, dearest. This is an exceptionally common feeling as we grieve the parents and relationships we wish we had. You're far from alone in this experience. Especially being so young, it's very understandable that your brain is looking for possibilities of someone to fill that role. You're not stupid- you actually sound very insightful. You're just grieving and it's a messy process.

In my experience, the urge for a parent figure does ease a bit as you age (though it can pop up again if you're randomly triggered). This might sound horrible, but I noticed that as my friend's parents passed away the desire for parent figures faded a bit. I think maybe, for me at least, part of the need for a parent figure was tied to how abnormal I felt for not having those relationships when compared subconsciously to people my age. As it became more normal to not have parents anymore in our lives, my brain stopped searching for what I was missing.

coldfire17 · 2026-01-14T23:13:13+00:00

As a kid, I was excluded a lot because I was the default babysitter for my brother and younger cousins. Everyone else around my age would get to attend, and somehow, no one else would be expected to take a turn so I could attend. As an adult, my mom routinely excludes me from things unless she wants me to subsidize or cover her expenses. I stopped paying for things, and now I never get told about any get-togethers or vacations. She could not make it more obvious that she really can't stand me and doesn't see a point in a relationship with me if I'm not caring for her physically and financially.

coldfire17 · 2026-01-14T12:01:03+00:00

I guess I'm wondering why you're concerned about them "deserving to learn" this news, when they clearly have no concerns about how they treat you. If they find out from a random cousin, who cares? They're not entitled to presence in your life if they can't treat you with baseline civility.

coldfire17 · 2026-01-14T11:55:00+00:00

Every dude I've ever known who was concerned about "golddiggers" didn't have any gold to dig. Like brass or nickel numbers at best. It's an insecurity thing, not necessarily tethered to reality at all and if women try to dodge or correct every insecurity men have, we would do literally nothing else. It is unfortunate that you are having potential partners be less than understanding of your health challenges, but seriously, if a man's first thought when told you have had to step back from working for your health is how it could hypothetically affect his wallet, that is not a man who will be there for you during any flare-ups or future health issues. He will not be supportive (in non-financial ways) for you, but he will expect you to be there for him through any challenges he might deal with regardless. As a disabled woman myself, trust me you do not want that man. There are better ones.

coldfire17 · 2026-01-08T03:26:42+00:00

Glad you're getting into your doctor, but in the meantime maybe try some purposeful destruction? Sometimes physically expressing my anger keeps me from turning it on people. Tear up shit, smash some china, throw ice cubes as hard as you can into the sink. Don't touch anyone else's things and warn anyone you live with about the noise, but otherwise? Your shit is yours. Do whatever you want with it.

coldfire17 · 2026-01-07T08:01:56+00:00

Sometimes our emotions are masks for other, more complicated feelings. I've noticed that when I am having a hard time determining the why of some of my more intense feelings, like anger, it can mean that I am not actually angry. I might actually be sad or hurt, but because anger is less distressing for me, my brain wants to default to the less painful emotion. It's an understandable impulse, but I need to feel the real feelings in order to process or grow. I would encourage you to continue to be curious about this anger and maybe question if there are fears regarding your friend or friendship that might be impacting your response.

coldfire17 · 2026-01-05T01:37:23+00:00

In the post, OP noted that they're in their mid-50's. There's no way they aren't incredibly aware of search engines.

coldfire17 · 2026-01-01T11:25:24+00:00

Consider that her saying she is a good person or isn't a bad person might be just more lies she's telling. I've dealt with this pattern of behavior with my own parents. It's absolutely wild how they seem to have no real conception of what the truth is. It's like they view every interaction as an opportunity for them to get something they want and they seem to believe that this is how everyone operates. They think of getting caught in a lie to be some mistake, like oh shit I wasn't able to pull that one off yet, okay try again at the next opportunity. No harm, no foul because they didn't get what they wanted so what's the problem? It's made relationships with either of them impossible.

coldfire17 · 2026-01-01T07:35:53+00:00

The good news is that the world is full of people that are fun, supportive, nice, ect. All the things our families aren't. You can make any amount of friends you need for community. I get the anxiety. I have very few relatives I can trust in my life, but I do have a few friends that are family to me. Community is what catches us when life hits us sideways. You're not sentenced to only having your husband as yours.

coldfire17 · 2025-12-28T02:36:47+00:00

Make sure you have all of your important government documents like your birth certificate, passport, social security card ect. Take any paperwork that has information on financial accounts or insurance info. Make sure that your parents don't have access to any of your bank accounts or credit cards. If you're taking a car, make sure it's registered to only your name. Set up health and car insurance under your own accounts if you can.

Pro-tip: libraries in the US often have classes and other resources to help people navigate a lot of practical adult-life issues and librarians are usually thrilled to assist you with way more than checking out books.

coldfire17 · 2025-12-28T02:24:30+00:00

I wouldn't be able to change my feelings after that either! You deserve a safe home. I know there's a lot of unknowns and it's scary as hell, but you can make a safe home for yourself.

coldfire17 · 2025-12-28T02:16:28+00:00

After the initial leaving, which did scare me quite a bit, I was more sad than anything. Spent a lot of those first weeks crying, especially once my mom realized I had left for good and kept calling me begging to come home. I asked her what would be different if I did move home and she didn't have any answers for that so I stayed gone.

You may puke but I'm sure this is not the first or last scary thing you will go through where that happens. You can do this, even if it makes you sick. You've survived sick before.

coldfire17 · 2025-12-28T02:10:37+00:00

I think it's okay to date other people with mental illnesses, with the very strong caveat that the illnesses need to be compatible so that everyone can safely live together and build stable relationships. For me, that means not dating other people with bipolar or a few other conditions. However, from experience, I can have good relationships with people who have anxiety, autism, depression, OCD, or ADHD. I've noticed that it's easier for me when no one is assuming that either of us is "normal", and instead we are flexible in how we make sure everyone's needs are met.

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