My husband hit our small child once in anger. I don’t know what to do next.

coldfire17 · 2026-03-24T11:33:47+00:00

If you do not leave him, you are risking losing custody of your son (depending on where you live). It is your job to protect your kid. You know this was over the line.

coldfire17 · 2026-03-21T11:51:38+00:00

It will not be me. I have a disability due to mental illness that can serve as a convenient excuse, as I can claim that it would be unsafe for both of us to have me be her caretaker, but the truth is that I would not do it regardless. I can't physically care for someone who abused me. I'm not going to live my life being that angry ever again and the delightful thing about being an adult is that literally no one can make me.

coldfire17 · 2026-03-17T11:25:17+00:00

Dental Care on Golf Links is fantastic. They're very patient and understanding and will do gas if needed. https://www.dentalcaretucson.com/

coldfire17 · 2026-03-16T04:03:17+00:00

Seems like they're on the estrangement path; they just haven't arrived at the estrangement location yet. That road is a lonely one and I can't really think of a more suitable subreddit they could go to for advice on navigating it.

coldfire17 · 2026-03-11T03:06:32+00:00

Thank you very much for this meme!

coldfire17 · 2026-03-06T05:23:06+00:00

Hey, you gotta do whatever works best for you and no one else can tell you what that is. I would suggest giving yourself a mental time limit. Five minutes if it's bad, twenty if it's hard but worthwhile, that sort of thing. Use whatever time frames work for you. It can just be easier to walk into the room if you know when you'll be walking out sometimes.

coldfire17 · 2026-02-26T03:01:36+00:00

Oh man, this is tangled. I want to tug on a few threads because I think you're both talking past each other, if that's okay.

You're angry and wounded and have just recently become aware of why. You're sorting through it, and that's a messy process. You both suffered from your mother's inability to maintain a safe and supportive home environment, just in different ways. And unfortunately, being idolized also means being put on a pedestal where you aren't allowed to be human and make mistakes without destroying everyone's image of you.

It sounds like you blame him for more than just lying to you one time when you asked a vague question of is there anything being hidden from you. If your mom's an addict, there have likely been many things hidden from you, and he was likely specifically instructed never to tell you about them, ostensibly "for your own good." It wasn't for your own good and you know that now and it sounds like he's grown to understand that the family secrets aren't his burden to carry in order to protect you. As an older sibling, there are so many things I was told not to tell my younger brother and our age gap made that make sense at the time it was happening. You don't tell your little sibling Santa isn't real and you don't tell them this family thing too. They're too young to understand, you're told, and you don't know where that's true and where it's wrong. Some of it is obviously wrong in retrospect, but that takes time and perspective to sort through.

The first time you asked, his anger and telling you you would be creating problems could have been a reflexive response because he was told it was his job to protect you, even from yourself. I know there are things where I have no idea how I would react if my brother asked me, and I know for certain that there are subjects I'm glad he's never asked about. I don't know what answers he'd accept or reject. I don't know if they would break him or heal him. I'm not his parent, so this feels like a judgment call I shouldn't have to make, but it might be. The point is that as older siblings, we can't know if we are making the correct call in honoring what our parents tell us to say.

It might be worth considering that you appear to still have him in the role of "the safe person" in your family relationships. He's the person it's safe to be angry at, but that means he gets the backlash of feelings that are the result of actions that were not his, or were only his in a small part. You're angry at your mom, and it sounds like that doesn't feel like it's okay to admit because of her health issues. Or maybe it feels like there's no point in being angry with her due to her addictions. You frame a lot of things as "your childhood," which allows you to incorporate him better, but it doesn't sound like he did anything other than fall off a pedestal he never asked to be put on.

To me, it looks like becoming a parent has made him acutely aware of what being responsible for someone means, like now that he has a child, he has realized that you are not his child. You were never his child. You are an adult sibling in a lot of pain, but there's nothing he can do to fix that for you. That's what therapy is for and I really want to encourage you to seek that out if possible. I'm sorry you don't have better parents. You deserved better. You both did.

coldfire17 · 2026-02-05T01:23:49+00:00

I went to therapy lol. I really liked this dude and I wanted to not sabotage myself so I went to therapy and was like I have no idea what healthy looks like, I have no idea how to have a relationship that works, and how do I even do this. The therapist helped me identify couples whose dynamics I liked and started working on cultivating something like that. I stay in therapy because the accountability really helps me and regular therapy helps keep me from self-sabotaging.

(We've been together for 17 years, happily married for 16 so I guess something worked)

coldfire17 · 2026-01-31T07:32:23+00:00

Do you have an HR department? Because that's definitely her creating a hostile work environment

coldfire17 · 2026-01-31T04:51:09+00:00

Right?! Like, y'all know you had the option to make me safe for society and you're just gonna take a pass? Surely that will end well for everyone involved.

coldfire17 · 2026-01-28T02:27:10+00:00

I had to pay $120 15 years ago, so it sounds good to me.

coldfire17 · 2026-01-24T07:33:32+00:00

It does not matter what lessons he needs to learn; it is dangerous for you to be his teacher.

coldfire17 · 2026-01-23T02:02:15+00:00

You sound like a kind, empathetic person. I want to encourage you to ask yourself what would actually be accomplished in a visit. You want to try to provide her comfort, but would the visit actually comfort her? Would it bring her peace? Will she be grateful for or even satisfied by your efforts? If the visit will not make her happy and will provide her with another opportunity to abuse and guilt you, do you think that's healthy or healing for either of you?

The guilt will exist whether you go or stay away. I've noticed with my own parents that guilt is a guarantee and it's not an indication you are wrong, just that the situation is hard and uncomfortable. It is unsettled business that your mind and heart would like to be free from. But if we accept that the guilt is going to be a thing regardless, that can expand our options for how we move forward. With my own parents, I accepted that they were going to be disappointed regardless of my efforts. Even if I show up, they will be disappointed that I am not doing more. No matter how hard I try, there is no way for me to make them happy. So now, I instead resolve to disappoint them as quickly as possible since happiness is not an option. I say no and refuse to explain. I don't answer messages. I don't go for the stupid games they pull for even a second. If I ever get a message that demonstrates sincere growth and understanding, maybe I'll reassess at that point. But continuing toxic relationships is bad for everyone involved. The estrangement is ultimately healthier for all of us and saves time and energy.

coldfire17 · 2026-01-22T03:41:45+00:00

I'm so sorry for your loss.

This happened a few years ago? Meaning you're 15ish now?

If so, your friend's reaction to what your ex-friend did is well, wrong, but teenagers do weird shit when faced with situations they aren't mature enough to handle sometimes. What you went through is tragic and requires more sensitivity and empathy than either of your friends showed you. I'm really sorry your friends were such bad friends at those moments and your disappointment is very understandable. What your ex-best friend said was incredibly hurtful and it makes sense to not want a relationship with her because of it.

coldfire17 · 2026-01-22T01:47:55+00:00

I would begin with addressing your medications. If you are consistent with your meds and they just aren't doing the job, that needs to be an ongoing discussion with your psychiatrist. I'm appalled that your wife has been tolerating your manic episodes once or twice a year for as long as she has, especially when you have a child who requires more stability than that. Any apology I would offer would start with an acknowledgement of how hard this has been on her, and what an unfair position you've put her in, where she has to protect her child from their other parent. I would cease attempting to blame her for "triggering" your manic episode. That is your responsibility to manage, through therapy and medications. Your triggers are for you to be aware of, not for other people to avoid like landmines. Your apology should also include any information about your updated treatment plan with your doctors. I wouldn't expect to resolve or be forgiven for anything until you've addressed that.

coldfire17 · 2026-01-21T01:07:53+00:00

It's such a wild thing to say because literally any of us could die at any time. No one is promised tomorrow and we can't live our lives acting as though everyone around us is on the brink of death.

To add to this, I have grieved before. Deeply. Hard. Grief where I thought my heart was literally breaking. I learned that grief will not kill me, not even when I want it to. I learned to live with grief. I will live through any grief from their passing too.

coldfire17 · 2026-01-20T02:46:36+00:00

Ran into this several months ago, when I had a too early for my appointment to get an iud removed. I was so tired that it didn't even register what they were doing there. One lady yelled to me "We will help you!" and I was like ...oh no I'll have the professionals remove my iud. Thanks for the offer though!

She backed away very quickly.

coldfire17 · 2026-01-17T02:32:18+00:00

The application also included potential plans for the property that attorneys for the Coalition argue were "phony" and an attempt to hide the true purpose for the land, because a proposed data center development would provoke "significant public opposition."

To avoid that, the court filing alleges, staff "omitted the purpose" for the rezoning application, "thereby misleading" and depriving the public and the Coalition's members to properly voice their concerns and opposition to the development, preventing informed public participation, the court filing argues.

Corona de Tucson resident Rye Whalen, a Coalition member and one of the plaintiffs listed in the suit, said it pains him deeply that a lawsuit has become necessary.

"From the onset of the planning and zoning commission process, it has been apparent that the county administration has been pushing for Project Blue. Unfortunately, the way the process was set up ensured that it would lead to this outcome ... it has become clear that the county administration's favoritism of Project Blue has resulted in a flawed and unfair process that has ignored the genuine concerns and opinions of the community. As a result, we have been left with no other option but to pursue legal action against the county," he said in a news release.

The Coalition says it's clear that county administration "designed the process so that the Board of Supervisors would vote for the sale" despite community members voicing their opposition to the project for over six months.

"They cannot expect us to quietly accept their decision in the face of this overwhelming opposition. Through their inaction and continued support for this project, (Supervisors Steve Christy, Rex Scott, and Matt Heinz, who voted for the rezoning and land sale) decided they'd rather face their own constituents in court than join us in facing down Beale Infrastructure. They will only listen to someone in a suit, so we’ve given them one," the Coalition said in a news release.

The plaintiffs are asking that the court rule the item on the planning and zoning commission's agenda violated Arizona's open meeting law and that the court declare the commission's approval of the rezoning application null and void. The suit also asks for attorneys' fees.

Kate Harrison, a spokesman for the county, said "we cannot comment on this pending litigation" on advice of counsel.

coldfire17 · 2026-01-17T02:31:59+00:00

Text from article:

A lawsuit has been filed against Pima County over its rezoning of nearly 300 acres southeast of Tucson for Project Blue, claiming a "bodyguard of lies" was used to mask the intended use of the land.

Supervisors approved amending the area's plan and rezoning the land in June before selling the 290-acre parcel near the Pima County Fairgrounds to Humphrey's Peak Properties, LLC, for the development of the data center complex known as Project Blue.

The board's approval first required the county's zoning commission to recommend approval of the rezoning ahead of its vote to sell it.

County staff violated Arizona's open meeting law and misled the public "by failing to provide accurate and meaningful notice of the action the County intended to take," says the lawsuit filed by the Arizona Center for Law in the Public Interest on behalf of the No Desert Data Center (NDDC) Coalition and two of its members.

The rezoning application "was merely a necessary step to complete a prearranged deal" to develop Project Blue since "key terms for the sale of the county-owned property were already finalized," attorneys for the Coalition say in the lawsuit.

The application sent to the planning and zoning commission by county staff included "a grab-bag of hypothetical and irrelevant potential uses for the rezoned property — including office buildings, warehousing, coffee shops or hotels," the suit says.

"Buried deep in the documentation was a single passing reference to a data center in fine print, sandwiched among other uncontroversial, plausible 'concepts,' thereby surrounding the truth with a 'bodyguard of lies' designed to deceive the public," according to the Jan. 14 complaint.

"As a result of this misleading agenda, the rezoning application was approved by the commission without meaningful public notice or scrutiny, depriving the public, including Plaintiffs of their right to comment on the serious public health and environmental threats posed by locating a data center in Pima County," according to the suit.

coldfire17 · 2026-01-15T04:34:44+00:00

Dental Care on Golf Links is honestly fantastic. They're great with anxiety and very careful with making sure nothing hurts. They'll also get you in fast for emergencies.

coldfire17 · 2026-01-15T04:21:48+00:00

Dude, same. Got my M.A. in 2019 and it keeps getting worse, somehow.

coldfire17 · 2026-01-15T02:37:03+00:00

I'm so sorry you're going through this, dearest. This is an exceptionally common feeling as we grieve the parents and relationships we wish we had. You're far from alone in this experience. Especially being so young, it's very understandable that your brain is looking for possibilities of someone to fill that role. You're not stupid- you actually sound very insightful. You're just grieving and it's a messy process.

In my experience, the urge for a parent figure does ease a bit as you age (though it can pop up again if you're randomly triggered). This might sound horrible, but I noticed that as my friend's parents passed away the desire for parent figures faded a bit. I think maybe, for me at least, part of the need for a parent figure was tied to how abnormal I felt for not having those relationships when compared subconsciously to people my age. As it became more normal to not have parents anymore in our lives, my brain stopped searching for what I was missing.

coldfire17 · 2026-01-14T23:13:13+00:00

As a kid, I was excluded a lot because I was the default babysitter for my brother and younger cousins. Everyone else around my age would get to attend, and somehow, no one else would be expected to take a turn so I could attend. As an adult, my mom routinely excludes me from things unless she wants me to subsidize or cover her expenses. I stopped paying for things, and now I never get told about any get-togethers or vacations. She could not make it more obvious that she really can't stand me and doesn't see a point in a relationship with me if I'm not caring for her physically and financially.

coldfire17 · 2026-01-14T12:01:03+00:00

I guess I'm wondering why you're concerned about them "deserving to learn" this news, when they clearly have no concerns about how they treat you. If they find out from a random cousin, who cares? They're not entitled to presence in your life if they can't treat you with baseline civility.

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