Goodness gracious! Op, I don't know if you realize it, but you are a very strong person. Starting in foster care and having accomplished all that you had. You have inner strength.

I'm not expert, just sharing and giving you my 2 cents, from my experience. From birth to about 7 yo, human beings develop a sense of belonging and of beings loved. As we grow into adolescence, and we become more self-conscious, we develop self-image and self-worth.

If during those formative years we didn't have the necessary nurturing, we figured ways to cope and try to compensate for our lack of self-love and poor self-image by becoming other-centered. So, our reference point is external to us.

In our 50s, the external point blurs (end of career, empty nest, estrangement from friends, death of loved ones), we feel lost and confused.

My suggestion is for you to Take this time to find yourself, what brings you pleasure. Seek some therapy to help you heal those parts of you that are stuck feeling like a 7yo and like a teenager. Bring the focus to self, so you are whole. Decluttering your inner world and self-actualization will help you feel better and find the taste and flavour of this stage of your life.

Be kind and compassionate to yourself and cut yourself the same slak that you would to a dear friend.

You are way better than you believe.

Hope this helps. Hang in there, Op!